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Overcoming Sexual Feelings For Someone


Red_54

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Hi there, first time posting but I am an avid reader and have learned a lot and found a lot of useful advised in these threads in the past. I need advice. Recently, I approached my SO of 4 years with the suggestion of opening up our relationship. We are in love and want to be together for the long haul, but we are both very open, independent people and think this would be a fun new chapter for us to embark on together.

 

There is an acquaintance that I have lusted over for the last couple of months. I have become obsessed with going to bed with this man. He is well known in the area we are located in and is extremely successful and professional (the company I work for has a contract with his company and he is in and out of the area often) so there has never really been an opportunity to try and go home with him, also, my relationship wasn't open until about a week ago so I wouldn't have tried anyway. He is a charming and flirtatious man and has made comments about my appearance before, so I am almost certain he finds me attractive.

 

This is where the issue comes in. I'm starting to think I might be mildly narcissistic or that maybe my ego has just gotten to be to big and is affecting my personal life. At the risk of sounding conceited and not helping my cause, I am a very attractive and charismatic woman. I take pride in my appearance and make sure to always look good and take care of myself. I've been asked on many occasions why I haven't pursued modeling and why I am working in the field I am in. I am only stating this to show that I am universally attractive, so that is not the problem, I don't think. The reason I feel this is important to note, is because the man I speak of is not as forthcoming as all the other men that break their necks when I walk by and it is starting to irk me.

 

He used to be a little more flirtatious when we first met and even asked me to disclose details of my dating life but never made a move or showed more interest than the bare minimum to make me question his motives. I'm ashamed to say, I did not disclose that I was in a long term relationship. I vaguely told him that I date from time to time, so I don't think that he backed off because I was taken.

 

I'm having a hard time figuring out if he would be interested if I weren't involved in his business/professional life. This is the only thing I can think of. He claims to be single and at a networking event told me that he was married years ago and divorced so now just wants to have fun and find someone to casually hang out with. He has also mentioned that he does not like to mix business and pleasure but proceeded to flirt with me the rest of the night.

 

I keep trying to shake the feeling and redirect my attention to my relationship at home or even meet new people but I am very particular about who I find attractive and this is the only person I have been attracted to in a very long time (other than my SO) so I feel even more strongly about it. I also have a male mentality when it comes to this kind of thing so I know it's going to continue to bother me until I am able to "conquer" the situation so to speak.

 

Also, I have recently been promoted and am no longer going to be working with his company at all. We exchanged phone numbers "for networking reasons" (we work in entertainment) and he has had it for months now but hasn't used it or tried to go out of his way to see me. When he does see me though, I can tell he is intrigued and still asks about my dating life and I catch him looking at my sometimes when I walk by. I'm really confused and it is starting to irritate me, because I am not used to the lack of attention from someone I am attracted to/interested in. I want to try to get over these feelings. I have become so self absorbed trying to figure this out that it has snowballed into this big thing and it's starting to seep into other areas of my life. Am I alone here or has anybody else experienced anything like this? Even if you haven't any advice would be appreciated. I need an outsiders perspective. Please help!

Edited by Red_54
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Trust me, this man knows what he's doing. He will take you when he's ready, if you allow it. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to hasten things and it will all unfold according to his timetable. Just be ready when the time comes and enjoy the anticipation in the meantime.

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What is good for you should be good for him. What next week your SO says he found a woman he lusts for and next month another. Are you good with it?

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Not every guy wants to pursue a woman in a relationship no matter how hot and/or smart she is.

 

I can tell if a woman is with someone. And if they are, they're not even considered. Flirting, having fun when I see them? Sure. More than that? It's a definite no

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What is good for you should be good for him. What next week your SO says he found a woman he lusts for and next month another. Are you good with it?

 

Simple Logic- I would be fine with that actually. That's part of being in an open relationship and lust is a completely different thing from love, so I would not feel hurt if this was the case. We have set ground rules and have very open communication.

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Trust me, this man knows what he's doing. He will take you when he's ready, if you allow it. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to hasten things and it will all unfold according to his timetable. Just be ready when the time comes and enjoy the anticipation in the meantime.

 

Iseult-Thanks for the input. Now if only I knew how to enjoy the anticipation. That's what I am struggling with. I am used to usually getting what I want relatively quickly thanks to a very sheltered and entitled childhood and its definitely shaped me into the person I am today. I have a very hard time dealing with rejection and that is what this feels like, only all the flirting and mixed signals are throwing me off. It's also making me resent the attention I get from other men and so there's the anxiety of feeling like I might miss out on another potential "situation" because I am so wrapped up in this one man who may or may not chose to make a move one day. Maybe this is just the first time I am experiencing being attracted to a man who can show self control and restraint. That just makes him more attractive :( End rant-clearly I'm becoming neurotic about this.

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If he's single, good looking and successful he more than likely has a lot of takers so another attractive woman is probably just that, another attractive woman. Plus women are so assertive these days they are more than willing to let their attraction to a man be known so this man doesn't seem hard up for female attention. Also if he is smart he wouldn't dare get involved with anyone in his business for fear of sexual harassment.

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The problems with feelings is that they cannot be wished into or out of existence. They can only be dealt with. This is why people cheat and divorce. We are designed to have sex with as many people as we can as that greatly increases the odds of having superior children. If you confine sex to one person and he has bad genes or not too smart, you are doomed to populate the earth with not too smart kids. In the old days it was survival of the fittest, but now we are all protected by police, the military and medical science so the future is going to be interesting.

 

I have struggled as you have. I cheated once while married. I felt so bad about it that when I was attracted to women I worked with in and out of my company who indicated that they are interested in me, I moved or quit my job. Did that 4 times in my 45 year marriage. Often that is the only thing to do because feelings of attraction and love will make you do things that will not end well even though you know that.

 

You are not going to lose your feelings. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Most are hesitant to do that because they really do not want to. I moved out State to get away from a secretary that was in love with me and divorced her husband hoping that it would change my mind. She is a good example of someone so in love that she was willing to destroy her marriage for the object of her love. I put in for a transfer and the day before I was to move out of State she offered me a going away dinner and then grabbed my naughty bits under the table and asked me to rent a room.

 

Emotions cause humans to make made decisions. I know that for a fact. I would consider changing jobs at all cost if you do not want to have things end bad.

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If you were to have sex with this man who you are lusting after, do you think that it would only be sex or would you develop feelings for this man? Because, that is a whole 'nother ball game... And, how exactly do you think your significant other would feel about that?

 

Correct me if I'm wrong LS, but most people with experience in open relationships will say that the problems in the primary relationship begin when feelings develop and the significant other begins to feel displaced. Seems to me, that could be a valid concern in this situation...

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Not every guy wants to pursue a woman in a relationship no matter how hot and/or smart she is.

 

I can tell if a woman is with someone. And if they are, they're not even considered. Flirting, having fun when I see them? Sure. More than that? It's a definite no

 

^^This. Most of the super attractive women have been told how gorgeous they are their whole lives, and they're way too high maintenance. I prefer a more understated, subtle beauty. And a woman who's married or in a relationship? Heck no.

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If you were to have sex with this man who you are lusting after, do you think that it would only be sex or would you develop feelings for this man? Because, that is a whole 'nother ball game... And, how exactly do you think your significant other would feel about that?

 

Correct me if I'm wrong LS, but most people with experience in open relationships will say that the problems in the primary relationship begin when feelings develop and the significant other begins to feel displaced. Seems to me, that could be a valid concern in this situation...

 

My brain can't even comprehend an open relationship. I am wired for monogamy.

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My brain can't even comprehend an open relationship. I am wired for monogamy.

 

Me too. This doesn't sound to me as much like an open relationship, as permission to cheat with her crush...

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Cookiesandough
Please help!

 

I feel like I can only give proper advice if I have a accurate picture of what the guy looks like in my head either through pics or a very detailed description, but I will try my best.

 

Seriously though,

I don't know why he's not paying attention to you, but I can say your posts sounds a lot like that of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I am just playing internet psychologist here. NPD gets thrown around a lot, but this post is single most accurate display of the characteristics I've ever seen posted here. Again, I don't mean it to be rude, and I may be wrong, but just in case it's something you want to look into. If it bothers you a lot that this man isn't paying much attention to you because you are "universally" (not possible) attractive, you are in for a rude awakening because sooner or later you're not going to be sexually attractive to less and less people and think of how much that will suck if that's such a priority for you.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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If he's single, good looking and successful he more than likely has a lot of takers so another attractive woman is probably just that, another attractive woman. Plus women are so assertive these days they are more than willing to let their attraction to a man be known so this man doesn't seem hard up for female attention. Also if he is smart he wouldn't dare get involved with anyone in his business for fear of sexual harassment.

 

Right.

 

This guy has options. While she’s intriguing, she’s not a necessity or a priority.

 

If she continues to wait on him to make a move, she may never be a priority.

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Maybe this is just the first time I am experiencing being attracted to a man who can show self control and restraint. That just makes him more attractive :( End rant-clearly I'm becoming neurotic about this.

 

So he’s a challenge.

 

I never understood this open relationship arrangement. It’s either you’re together or you’re not.

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Me too. This doesn't sound to me as much like an open relationship, as permission to cheat with her crush...

 

I understand the way it might seem that way to someone who is self admittedly "wired for monogamy" but in this day in age there are obviously many alternative relationship styles and what works for some may not work for all. I guess I should have included "open relationship" somewhere in the title so I could attract more people who know what it's like to be in the situation rather than just note that they wouldn't be able to do it. SO and I have a wonderful relationship and love each other very much. I have no interest in leaving this relationship or compromising it. If that were the case I would have suggested a break up instead of opening the relationship. We are both just very open minded and adventurous people who happen to share this idea and are trying it out. I believe life is about trying different things out until you find what feels right and sticks.

 

Obviously we are both aware that this kind of relationship comes with the possibility that one of us could fall for somebody else but I could argue that that is also the case in a monogamous relationship. People cheat every day because they either lack the self control to keep it in their pants or feel trapped in a relationship and want to rebel and "live a little" again via an affair. We took both those out of the equation and are open and honest about our situation with each other, so I don't feel like the open-ness of our relationship is the issue to dissect here. To each their own, just wanted to shed light with a different perspective.

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I feel like I can only give proper advice if I have a accurate picture of what the guy looks like in my head either through pics or a very detailed description, but I will try my best.

 

Seriously though,

I don't know why he's not paying attention to you, but I can say your posts sounds a lot like that of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I am just playing internet psychologist here. NPD gets thrown around a lot, but this post is single most accurate display of the characteristics I've ever seen posted here. Again, I don't mean it to be rude, and I may be wrong, but just in case it's something you want to look into. If it bothers you a lot that this man isn't paying much attention to you because you are "universally" (not possible) attractive, you are in for a rude awakening because sooner or later you're not going to be sexually attractive to less and less people and think of how much that will suck if that's such a priority for you.

 

 

cookiesanddough-Thanks for the reply. Though I don't see what his appearance has to do with anything, I will say he is a very handsome man. He is tall dark and handsome ect.. I don't feel comfortable giving specific details because you never know who reads these things and like I mentioned in my post, we are in the entertainment industry and he does have some unique characteristics that I feel paranoid to describe for fear somehow, someone will recognize him.

 

I do not say "universally attractive" to mean that everyone in the universe wants me (although that is actually what that means, literally) I was simply trying to say that I have the token "hot features" that are idolized in Hollywood and on the big screen. I know not everyone likes the same look though, and to quote the beautiful Dita Von Teese, “you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

 

I struggled with feeling insecure about my appearance for a long time and have only recently started to feel confident in myself and not ashamed or insecure that my looks were the only thing I have to offer the world.

 

I am not offended at your comment about narcissistic qualities, after all, I did ask that in my post. I have never seen anybody about this issue (the way I process and handle things). I myself have done research and dug around the web to try and validate or negate this theory I have but have seen a lot of contradictory information out there. Someone once told me that because I am acknowledging the possibility that I could be a narcissist and feeling bad about my actions that automatically tells me that I am not one. Like I said before, my upbringing plays a big part in my personality now and having everything handed to me as a child has definently set me up to fail as an adult. Jeez, the more I talk about this the more I realize I probably need a shrink!

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Right.

 

This guy has options. While she’s intriguing, she’s not a necessity or a priority.

 

If she continues to wait on him to make a move, she may never be a priority.

 

stillafool mentions "women are so assertive these days they are more than willing to let their attraction to a man be known so this man doesn't seem hard up for female attention."

 

you are agreeing with him, but also make note that if I continue to wait on him to make the first move it may never happen. Which is it? I feel that men are just as complex and confusing as they make us women out to be. If I don't make a move he won't want me, but if I am to assertive he won't want me either because I came to easy. Sounds like I'm SOL either way.

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I think you're too focused on looks.

 

So many possibilities here: You're not be his cup of tea looks-wise, logically he thinks you're attractive but the rest of you doesn't do it for him, he's found out you're attached, etc.

 

In any case, he doesn't sound really interested.

 

You might be super attracted because you want what you can't have.

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There are any number of reasons why he might not be interested. The most obvious one to me, though, is that he knows you're in a relationship. Even if you and your partner are okay with an open relationship, he (1) might not know it's open, and (2) might not be interested in having sex with a woman who's in a relationship, even if he has your SO's blessing. You are entitled to your sexual preferences, but they might not match with others' preferences.

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stillafool mentions "women are so assertive these days they are more than willing to let their attraction to a man be known so this man doesn't seem hard up for female attention."

 

you are agreeing with him, but also make note that if I continue to wait on him to make the first move it may never happen. Which is it? I feel that men are just as complex and confusing as they make us women out to be. If I don't make a move he won't want me, but if I am to assertive he won't want me either because I came to easy. Sounds like I'm SOL either way.

 

It's a conundrum. Like walking a tightrope, for sure.

 

The dating market is different for desirable men (and women). It's not unusual for people to compete to gain and keep their attention.

 

How do you compete without driving them away? I'm not a woman. I don't really know what you all do to attract and seduce a man. Can't advise you on that.

 

But, I do know you have to play the game in order to win the game. You can't win sitting on the sidelines. You have to get in the game. And be a little better than your competition.

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I think you're too focused on looks.

 

So many possibilities here: You're not be his cup of tea looks-wise, logically he thinks you're attractive but the rest of you doesn't do it for him, he's found out you're attached, etc.

 

In any case, he doesn't sound really interested.

 

You might be super attracted because you want what you can't have.

 

It's definitely because I want what I can't have. I'm planning on find a resolution to this once I leave the account and am no longer involved with his company. That way I can at least know and move on. It's just frustrating to be in the dark about someone I am actually attracted to.

 

And I am very focused on looks in this situation, sadly. In my defense, I am not typically a shallow person and everyone who knows me will agree. I actually get angry at people a lot for asking me why I am with my SO as I "can do better" and I'm "out of his league" and other insensitive comments like that. I disagree, I find him attractive not just aesthetically but mentally and emotionally. This other man, however, I just find physically attractive. After getting to know his personality I think he is actually a bit full of himself (look who's talking, but I do not present myself that way to anyone, just being totally honest on this board for the sake of getting honest feedback) and a little insensitive to other people. But he is never like that to me, just shared things with me that have made me raise an eyebrow. He has told me that he enjoys my company and has hinted at going out to a movie or something sometime but never followed through (at least not yet).

 

Also, for everyone suggesting he is not wanting to be involved with a woman that is attached, he does not know that I am in a relationship open or otherwise. I like to keep my personal life private and don't talk about my life with anybody at work. We have no friends or acquaintances in common and all of my social media accounts are private so I really don't know how he would know this.

Edited by Red_54
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It's definitely because I want what I can't have. I'm planning on find a resolution to this once I leave the account and am no longer involved with his company. That way I can at least know and move on. It's just frustrating to be in the dark about someone I am actually attracted to.

 

And I am very focused on looks in this situation, sadly. In my defense, I am not typically a shallow person and everyone who knows me will agree. I actually get angry at people a lot for asking me why I am with my SO as I "can do better" and I'm "out of his league" and other insensitive comments like that. I disagree, I find him attractive not just aesthetically but mentally and emotionally. This other man, however, I just find physically attractive. After getting to know his personality I think he is actually a bit full of himself (look who's talking, but I do not present myself that way to anyone, just being totally honest on this board for the sake of getting honest feedback) and a little insensitive to other people. But he is never like that to me, just shared things with me that have made me raise an eyebrow. He has told me that he enjoys my company and has hinted at going out to a movie or something sometime but never followed through (at least not yet).

 

Also, for everyone suggesting he is not wanting to be involved with a woman that is attached, he does not know that I am in a relationship open or otherwise. I like to keep my personal life private and don't talk about my life with anybody at work. We have no friends or acquaintances in common and all of my social media accounts are private so I really don't know how he would know this.

 

I think for simplicity sake you have to assume he's just not that into you.

If it turns out that's not the case and a matter of circumstance, then it will be a pleasant surprise.

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I love it when women make the first move. Thank you feminism, thank you.

 

I don’t see anything wrong with your focus on looks. You’re honest about what you want. Looks is what makes men and women similar when finding a mate. Tall, dark, and handsome is the woman’s holy trinity after all.

 

If he knows you’re in a relationship or some relationship, and if I were to put myself in his position? I would probably know through the grapevine one way or another because people at work love to talk, then I would put my guard up and ask myself if I’m getting played or is this a potential heartache that I’d rather not get involve in.

Edited by Interstellar
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