Am I getting slow faded or am I just anxious

[Mx12345]

I want to preface this by saying Im learning that I have anxietywhen it comes to dating (amount other things.) This forum has been so helpfulin helping me to determine if Im overthinking something, moving too fast, or ifmy gut is right about something.

 

Ive been on six dates in four weeks with this guy. We metonline. His profile said his interests then said “I have myself together, and I’mready for the real thing.” This was such a draw to me, because I too am pastthe casual stuff and Im looking for something substantial. For reference, Im 31,hes 32, never married, no kidsfor both of us.

 

1stdate: casual drinks, got to know each other,really got along, great chemisty

2nddate: two days after the first, he invites meto his company Christmas party, his company is owned by his parents. Met hisparents and co workers. Had a great time. We are more affectionate this date,holding hands, him rubbing my back. (all in front of his parents/coworkers).After the party we go to have a drink and we kiss. He asks if I want to go backto his place to meet his dog. (common interest we both treat our dogs like ourkids.) I tell him that its too soon for me to go back to his apt and I use theopportunity to tell him I don’t have casual sex, that I prefer to beexclusively dating someone. He of course says that wasn’t his intention. Weboth say our last true relationship ended three years ago for him and fouryears ago for me. He is also in the process of getting his doctorate. So hesays he doesn’t date a lot because he doesn’t have time, and therefore he ispicky about who he dates because his time is limited.

3rd date: originally scheduled for right before Christmas.He texts me the day before our date that something has come up and he will beleaving home for Christmas that night and will have to miss our date the nextday.(his family has a ranch five hours away) I say that’s fine. He texts me anormal amount around the Christmas break. He wants to schedule a date the dayhe returns, I push it back to Friday bc work is busy. He keeps on constant contactwith me. Keeps saying how he cant wait to see me, compliments me. Friday comesand he takes me to a VERY expensive restaurant (I didn’t realize it was goingto be that expensive) and then we go to a movie. Again, we get along great. We kissat the end of this date too. In between date 2-3 he asks my NYE plans andinvites me downtown with his friends who are getting a condo. After date 3 I agreeto go with him

4th

date: NYE party with his friends. AMAZINGnight. I get there at 10 but was supposed to get there at 9, supposedly accordingto his guy friends he started to worry I wouldn’t show up. Even though I wouldhave preferred to wait for more dates, we did sleep together that night. We stayedthe night at the condo. We were both kinda drunk. I do remember though ourconvo right before it happened. He told me how much he liked me, how awesome I was.I said I didn’t have casual sex because lots of times after you have sex with aguy you don’t hear from him. The next morning he is very affectionate, no weirdnessnow that we are both sober. At one point when cuddling he reminded me that Isaid guys disappear after you have sex. He whispers in my ear “im not goinganywhere.”

 

]Between this we make a date to go hiking (his idea). Hetells me he really enjoys spending time with me. However, texting has decreasedin this week. Prior he was texting me a lot, almost too much. Now its down totwice a day. He also doesn’t answer a text for over 14 hours, which is very notlike him. He also at one point says he is starting to feel ill and hopes he doesn’thave to miss the hike. I start to get worried but try to not let it bother me. Theday before the hike though he mentions we will be gone for quite some time, sohe had to ask his friends (a couple I met at the NYE party) to come let his dogout. Then he says they are going out that night of the hike, so he hopes I don’tmind but he signed us up for a double date with them. I say that’s great, theywere super nice people.

5 date: we go hiking, meaning we have 6 hours todo nothing but talk. The talk is good, we get to know a lot about each other,but hes not affectionate at all. Also leading up to the hike, again the textingis significantly decreased.

6date: we go out that night on a double datewith his friends. Hes not affectionate a first, but after a few drinks beginstouching my back and kissing my cheek. The night is good. Again we sleep together,but I cant stay because I have my dog at home.

That was Saturday night. No texting on Sunday. I texted him yesterdayafternoon and he responded, but nothing else. Nothing last night. Now I leavein two days on vacation and will be gone for six days. He knows this, wevetalked about me going plenty of times. I purposely kept Monday/Tuesday/and Wednesdayopen of this week, so I could see him before I left. But there has been solittle communication that nothing got planned. When Im gone of course I don’t thinkwe will communicate that much. But for some reason Im expecting to not hearfrom him at all. Im planning to ask him whats going on with us when I return.Is that too soon though? Am I freaking out over nothing? I will also mentionthat school starts for him this weekend too. We started dating right after hisfinals. So he will be back to working full time plus getting his doctorate. Iam fully prepared for his busy schedule. But hes not busy yet and I feel likehes doing the slow fade. Does any one else get that impression?

 

OH! Last thing. He cancelled our right before Christmas datebc he said he was going home earlier than expected. At the double date he gotasked about how long he was home for. He answered from the 23-27. That’s whathe told me too originally. But he text me on the 21saying he wasleaving that night. So of course Im super bummed about that. He obviously brokeour date and just said he was going home when he wasn’t. I feel like I may justbe holding on to the good things: meeting coworkers/family/friends so early,his whispering hes not going anywhere, him being anxious that I wasn't going toshow up to NYE, him signing us up for a double date (like a couple).

Edited January 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix formatting after deleting duplicate thread.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Mx12345, will just give you my opinion. Am sure you'll hear other posts that differ.

 

It does seem to me as if he's doing the slow fade. I'm so sorry to write this to you. When you get past the disappointment, I believe you'll be able to benefit from some tips from posters.

 

My main tip would be to go into each relationship knowing that every one is searching for that perfect someone and they would be delighted to find they've struck gold and you're it, unless the person is a player. And even players get hooked in by someone who is super confident and not intimidated. So go in to a dating R with great confidence!

 

Secondly, because almost every single person who is dating has disappointments from past relationships here's a tip on those: Don't share your disappointments from past relationships with this new person you're dating. Such as, you mentioned you told him once you sleep with guys it seems they quit texting, calling or whatever afterwards.

 

Many men and women (some who wouldn't admit it, even) like to believe they're with the person everyone else wants to be with. When you tell him multiple men have left you after having slept with them, it doesn't set you up in his eyes as someone others want to date and this could have a subconscious effect on his opinion of you (though he may not admit it, as in your situation he tried to reassure you after you had done it that it wasn't going to happen in your R with him). So sorry to write this but don't beat yourself up for having said it, just learn from it and move on.

 

The most attractive thing you can do when you are in a relationship is to show confidence at all times. The best way to do that is to be confident.

 

This, most on this forum will disagree with, but I hold to it because it can save a lot of grief: Don't sleep with a guy until you have confirmed you are each deeply into each other. And realize that some guys will make it seem that way just to get you to sleep with them.

 

This guy you've written about seems to play fast and loose, in that he very quickly escalated the R, having you meet his parents, dog, etc. I have read and heard that's a red flag though it hasn't been my own experience.

 

I would chalk this one up to a learning experience and if you end up hearing from him again, great. However, I don't believe I'd sleep with him again if you hear from him, just because he hasn't treated you well since you've done it. It's usually very difficult to backtrack in a R, but in this case I'd try to do it, if you hear from him again.

 

Follow his lead and if you hear from him again take some steps back yourself, the biggest being don't sleep with him.

[olivetree]

He lied about going to his parents house early.

 

At this early on in the relationship, that lie would be enough for me to end things right there.

 

Add in his inconsistency and fading out... I'd just let him go.

 

I'd definitely not ask him what you are when you get back.

[Mx12345]

For some reason I didn't think telling him I didn't casual have sex because guys will leave after the fact was a bad thing. But reading your response makes me feel stupid that I did. Now I look pathetic.

 

 

And I normally do a good job of not having sex too quickly. I think if it hadn't been NYE and we were in this great downtown condo it wouldn't have happened.

 

 

So what do I do now? Just go on my trip and not contact him?

[Mx12345]

He lied about going to his parents house early.

 

At this early on in the relationship, that lie would be enough for me to end things right there.

 

Add in his inconsistency and fading out... I'd just let him go.

 

I'd definitely not ask him what you are when you get back.

 

The only reason I give him a slight pass on this is because after our 2nd date and before he broke our Christmas date, he asked to go out during the week. I has already had a first date planned that same night. (That date had zero chemistry.) but of course when he asked me I just casually said I already had plans. Then when we talked a day or two later he specifically asked how my night went. I couldn't tell him I went on another date so I said I went and played trivia with friends. Which I didn't. Only he doesn't know that. After that though I have not been out with anyone else and don't really want to be either.

 

 

Because it was so early, I'm bummed he broke our before Christmas date, but I had been out with someone else that week too.

[smackie9]

Keep dating other people.

[Zahara]

F

So what do I do now? Just go on my trip and not contact him?

 

Introducing you to his parents and friends on the second date and then inviting you to his place under the pretense of meeting his dog would have raised flags for me. Along with the lie about canceling your date to head home earlier would be a no go for me.

 

Yes, go on your trip. Have a great time and don't respond to this guy. If and when you get home and you decide you want to communicate, then tread carefully and don't place much investment into any sort of potential in this one.

[olivetree]

The only reason I give him a slight pass on this is because after our 2nd date and before he broke our Christmas date, he asked to go out during the week. I has already had a first date planned that same night. (That date had zero chemistry.) but of course when he asked me I just casually said I already had plans. Then when we talked a day or two later he specifically asked how my night went. I couldn't tell him I went on another date so I said I went and played trivia with friends. Which I didn't. Only he doesn't know that. After that though I have not been out with anyone else and don't really want to be either.

 

 

Because it was so early, I'm bummed he broke our before Christmas date, but I had been out with someone else that week too.

 

Alright, well if you're flexible on the truth too then I guess you have different standards than me.

 

I agree with LivingWater that this started out a bit hot and heavy and that tends to burn out fast.

Also agree not to tell a guy that guys disappear after sex.

Makes you seem less valuable.

 

But chock this up to a learning experience and don't beat yourself up over your comment.

There are also men that wouldn't judge you for this statement if they're really taken with you.

 

If you want to gain your value back so to speak, you should pull back when a guy pulls back.

Better yet, when a guy pulls back in the beginning, I'd start moving on.

A man who is really into you wants you to know exactly where he stands.

 

So I repeat, do not ask him your status when you get back.

[Mx12345]

Alright, well if you're flexible on the truth too then I guess you have different standards than me.

 

I agree with LivingWater that this started out a bit hot and heavy and that tends to burn out fast.

Also agree not to tell a guy that guys disappear after sex.

Makes you seem less valuable.

 

But chock this up to a learning experience and don't beat yourself up over your comment.

There are also men that wouldn't judge you for this statement if they're really taken with you.

 

If you want to gain your value back so to speak, you should pull back when a guy pulls back.

Better yet, when a guy pulls back in the beginning, I'd start moving on.

A man who is really into you wants you to know exactly where he stands.

 

So I repeat, do not ask him your status when you get back.

Thank you very much for this advice. I debated asking him because I AM looking for something not casual. I felt like if I just let this one flounder off, he would think that *I* was looking for casual. My issue is me not specifically telling him that I feel like hes doing the slow fade and I'm not interested in just casually dating, that he will contact me whenever is convenient for him. If I specifically end it with him by calling him out he knows not to contact me anymore.

 

 

Is this not right?

[Mx12345]

I like him enough that I don't want to just casually see him, so I should actually end it. no?

[Zahara]

Thank you very much for this advice. I debated asking him because I AM looking for something not casual. I felt like if I just let this one flounder off, he would think that *I* was looking for casual.

 

He knows you are not looking for anything casual -- based on your profiles on OLD as well as you telling him on your second date.

 

My issue is me not specifically telling him that I feel like hes doing the slow fade and I'm not interested in just casually dating, that he will contact me whenever is convenient for him. If I specifically end it with him by calling him out he knows not to contact me anymore.

 

There are guys that will contact you regardless of what you desire. Some may feed you with whatever you need to hear to get what they need from you -- sex, attention, etc. There are guys that will pay no heed to what you want as long as they get what they want.

 

So, you announcing your intent isn't the way to go but focus and observe his behavior and decide as to whether it is working for you. So far, fail on his part. If anything, you should move on. There is nothing to end. It was six dates in a span of four weeks. Go on your vacation, enjoy yourself, focus on dating others and don't make him your center.

[hippychick3]

I like him enough that I don't want to just casually see him, so I should actually end it. no?

 

 

Honestly, I would say nothing and just move on with your dignity. Let him wonder why you’re not chasing him (if he even bothers to care at this point).

[olivetree]

Thank you very much for this advice. I debated asking him because I AM looking for something not casual. I felt like if I just let this one flounder off, he would think that *I* was looking for casual. My issue is me not specifically telling him that I feel like hes doing the slow fade and I'm not interested in just casually dating, that he will contact me whenever is convenient for him. If I specifically end it with him by calling him out he knows not to contact me anymore.

 

Is this not right?

 

Look at it this way, if you ask a guy to basically tell YOU what you two are it, it communicates that it's all up to him = you don't value yourself.

 

Add to that his behaviour just prior to this is leaving you feeling insecure and wondering = you are willing to settle for less and want exclusivity at any cost = you really don't value yourself.

 

You have those exclusivity talks when a relationship is going well and it's what you want.

 

I really hope you want more for yourself than to date a guy that bailed on you and lied about when he was going out of town.

 

Since you want to say something, I'd wait till he contacted me next and say, "Hey I've had fun with you but it's not what I'm looking for. Take care."

[Mx12345]

I cant thank everyone enough for the advice. I would have probably embarrassed myself even more.

 

 

I'm not going to contact him again. And if he does contact me again (not thinking he will) I will just say I'm not interested anymore and leave it at that.

 

 

...And there goes yet another one...Dating is probably the hardest thing ive ever tried to do.

[Cookiesandough]

Is the html showing or is it just a phone thing. Anyway, I think I already gave my opinion on this previously, but you’ve added new, even more damning info. I think he got too pushy with the sex at the beginning. Don’t blame yourself for having principles. You didn’t feel comfortable.I think you should just forget this guy!

Edited January 9, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you very much for this advice. I debated asking him because I AM looking for something not casual. I felt like if I just let this one flounder off, he would think that *I* was looking for casual. My issue is me not specifically telling him that I feel like hes doing the slow fade and I'm not interested in just casually dating, that he will contact me whenever is convenient for him. If I specifically end it with him by calling him out he knows not to contact me anymore.

 

 

Is this not right?

 

He has let this "flounder off." Ball's not in your court to let it flounder off.

 

However, if he contacts you again, the ball's in your court. Since he lied to you, as Olive pointed out, you have nothing to lose except for losing a liar if he calls you again to reconnect. At that point you can tell him you're not interested or whatever it is you want to convey.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is not to contact him and go on with your life.

 

If he should contact you again, you should have a plan set up on how to handle it. But, until then, contacting him to let him know you're no longer interested is weak, imo.

[olivetree]

I'd also say next time don't tell a guy that you don't have sex before exclusivity.

Just don't have sex till you are exclusive.

Thus, if you end up breaking your own rule, you're not openly communicating that you have weak boundaries.

 

Again, please don't beat yourself up over that part, people get swept away in the moment and influence of alcohol all the time.

Just something to consider for future.

[Cookiesandough]

Livingwater is correct. Telling someone who ghosted that you no longer wish to continue this is like telling someone who fired you that you are quitting. The limbo isn’t a great feeling, but if you are tempted to message him then I think you should delete his phone number. When he does contact, you can then tell him you are not interested anymore. And I strongly suggest you do since he set a precedent of disrespect likely to put you back here in the future.

[Mx12345]

He has let this "flounder off." Ball's not in your court to let it flounder off.

 

However, if he contacts you again, the ball's in your court. Since he lied to you, as Olive pointed out, you have nothing to lose except for losing a liar if he calls you again to reconnect. At that point you can tell him you're not interested or whatever it is you want to convey.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is not to contact him and go on with your life.

 

If he should contact you again, you should have a plan set up on how to handle it. But, until then, contacting him to let him know you're no longer interested is weak, imo.

This is the part that I wasn't understanding at first. I thought it would give him a clear understanding that I was not looking for casual and therefore not to contact me anymore. Thanks to everyone I realize now that does make me look weak.

 

 

If he contacts me (for whatever reason, whether just to say hi or to schedule a date when I return) I will vaguely tell him I'm no longer interested. At least I get a shred of my dignity back.

[Mx12345]

Livingwater is correct. Telling someone who ghosted that you no longer wish to continue this is like telling someone who fired you that you are quitting. The limbo isn’t a great feeling, but if you are tempted to message him then I think you should delete his phone number. When he does contact, you can then tell him you are not interested anymore. And I strongly suggest you do since he set a precedent of disrespect likely to put you back here in the future.

This is a great way of presenting it. Youre right, I hate feeling like I'm in limbo. But I feel less like I'm in limbo now because I know I'm not going to see him anymore. Whether he actually contacts me again and I actually get to tell him that is a wait to be seen. But I realize its over.

[LivingWaterPlease]

This is the part that I wasn't understanding at first. I thought it would give him a clear understanding that I was not looking for casual and therefore not to contact me anymore. Thanks to everyone I realize now that does make me look weak.

 

 

If he contacts me (for whatever reason, whether just to say hi or to schedule a date when I return) I will vaguely tell him I'm no longer interested. At least I get a shred of my dignity back.

 

Be prepared that if he does contact you again, it's probable that he'll have some outlandish excuse as to why he hasn't contacted you before now. Because it sounds as if he's a smooth player, you may be tempted to believe him. But, remember that he lied to you once so you can't trust him now. Have a plan as to how you will handle it if he has you believing he has a good excuse for being a jerk.

[Mx12345]

Be prepared that if he does contact you again, it's probable that he'll have some outlandish excuse as to why he hasn't contacted you before now. Because it sounds as if he's a smooth player, you may be tempted to believe him. But, remember that he lied to you once so you can't trust him now. Have a plan as to how you will handle it if he has you believing he has a good excuse for being a jerk.

I feel like if he does contact me, its only a nicety on his part. He doesn't seem like a complete d-bag. So I'm not worried about him trying to smooth talk his way back in. If anything me saying I'm no longer interested would be an easy out for him.

[olivetree]

I feel like if he does contact me, its only a nicety on his part. He doesn't seem like a complete d-bag. So I'm not worried about him trying to smooth talk his way back in. If anything me saying I'm no longer interested would be an easy out for him.

 

It really only needs to be said if he asks you out again.

Otherwise you could either not respond to small talk or just be short.

[Versacehottie]

Mx12345, will just give you my opinion. Am sure you'll hear other posts that differ.

 

It does seem to me as if he's doing the slow fade. I'm so sorry to write this to you. When you get past the disappointment, I believe you'll be able to benefit from some tips from posters.

 

My main tip would be to go into each relationship knowing that every one is searching for that perfect someone and they would be delighted to find they've struck gold and you're it, unless the person is a player. And even players get hooked in by someone who is super confident and not intimidated. So go in to a dating R with great confidence!

 

Secondly, because almost every single person who is dating has disappointments from past relationships here's a tip on those: Don't share your disappointments from past relationships with this new person you're dating. Such as, you mentioned you told him once you sleep with guys it seems they quit texting, calling or whatever afterwards.

 

Many men and women (some who wouldn't admit it, even) like to believe they're with the person everyone else wants to be with. When you tell him multiple men have left you after having slept with them, it doesn't set you up in his eyes as someone others want to date and this could have a subconscious effect on his opinion of you (though he may not admit it, as in your situation he tried to reassure you after you had done it that it wasn't going to happen in your R with him). So sorry to write this but don't beat yourself up for having said it, just learn from it and move on.

 

The most attractive thing you can do when you are in a relationship is to show confidence at all times. The best way to do that is to be confident.

This, most on this forum will disagree with, but I hold to it because it can save a lot of grief: Don't sleep with a guy until you have confirmed you are each deeply into each other. And realize that some guys will make it seem that way just to get you to sleep with them.

 

This guy you've written about seems to play fast and loose, in that he very quickly escalated the R, having you meet his parents, dog, etc. I have read and heard that's a red flag though it hasn't been my own experience.

 

I would chalk this one up to a learning experience and if you end up hearing from him again, great. However, I don't believe I'd sleep with him again if you hear from him, just because he hasn't treated you well since you've done it. It's usually very difficult to backtrack in a R, but in this case I'd try to do it, if you hear from him again.

 

Follow his lead and if you hear from him again take some steps back yourself, the biggest being don't sleep with him.

 

1000% agree with the bolded! and a lot else in this post.

[Versacehottie]

He knows you are not looking for anything casual -- based on your profiles on OLD as well as you telling him on your second date.

 

 

 

There are guys that will contact you regardless of what you desire. Some may feed you with whatever you need to hear to get what they need from you -- sex, attention, etc. There are guys that will pay no heed to what you want as long as they get what they want.

 

So, you announcing your intent isn't the way to go but focus and observe his behavior and decide as to whether it is working for you. So far, fail on his part. If anything, you should move on. There is nothing to end. It was six dates in a span of four weeks. Go on your vacation, enjoy yourself, focus on dating others and don't make him your center.

 

Yeah don't announce your desire not to have casual or take his word that's what he said. But go on what he does. And don't let yourself HAVE a casual relationship. To me, if you don't sleep with guys that you are just casual with, you can wait until he's given you some commitment. That is not the only barometer--there are tons...but basically if you don't want casual then don't accept casual. Or only accept casual in the way that it works for you--that actually usually transmits the message that they will need to get more serious about you in order to progress the parts they want (not just physical parts--guys are more multi-dimensional too). good luck

 

oh and realistically there has to be some cushion of time where you allow someone to get to the point where they will know they want and are ready for more serious with you. That time and space is both of yours to decide and sometimes it alone can be the incompatibility issue.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Versacehottie