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Found out boyfriend slept with prostitutes in the past


kumar123

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I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months and we just exchanged I love yous this weekend. A few hours later, while preparing to go to sleep, he told me he had to tell me something and mentioned that when he was 19 (6 years ago) he had slept with 5 prostitutes (just 5 times) because he was deeply depressed and hated himself, wanted to die and wanted to feel something. We've both dealt with depression in the past, and we've discussed depression since our third date. However, he's also been forthcoming about his depression and how worthless he felt so I understand that he was going through a painful time in his life and can relate to that feeling. He said he's never told anyone about this before and feels deeply ashamed. He was visibly upset and was crying so much when he told me. He also told me he slept with a prostitute while traveling in Amsterdam one time with his friends a couple years ago. He's only used prostitutes in his home country Australia and Amsterdam where it's legal. He's been tested, the latest was 3 months ago, and he's healthy, no STIs.

 

We have had discussions prior to this about sex trafficking and so forth and I know he does not agree with prostitution now. My boyfriend tends to be ill informed of issues regarding this, and I know I had to inform him on a few things on topics similar to this when we first met because he was a little ignorant on those topics.

 

I'm nervous that this is a red flag? Just want your opinion. My gut instinct is to trust him and leave the past in the past. I've talked to my boyfriend many times about prostitution and similar topics since we met (for varying reasons unrelated to him) as it's an issue I feel very strongly about. He didn't have to tell me and I never once suspected him of using prostitutes. I was in shock when he told me cause I never even expected it at all. He said that once he knew he loved me, he knew he couldn't keep any secrets from me and he's been struggling to tell me this for the past couple months. He's assured me it will never, ever happen again. I'm just confused if this is a red flag, or even a good sign since he knows how important this topic is to me and decided to just tell me? Would appreciate any input on this. Thank you!

Edited by kumar123
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I would leave it be. We've all done mistakes in the past and his aren't so grave - I mean he hasn't raped or killed anyone. It's good that he's honest with you, I respect that.

This would certainly be a deal-breaker to some, since not everyone is able to accept their partner's sexual past, but it's entirely up to you. If you feel you are OK with it, then so be it.

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He's volunteered this info on his past out of his own choice. Wanting to be upfront and is trusting you.

 

He didn't have to do that. You can't punish a man for things he did years ago before being with you. If it was cheating or something more sinister okay, reconsider things, you'd have issues to talk about.

 

But no, this isn't a red flag, and it'd probably surprise people how common it is for a guy to have done similar.

 

My friends ex broke up with him over this issue. I personally think it was a red herring and just ammo to break up with him.

 

You've got a good, honest guy there, by the sounds of it.

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Kumar123,

Folks on the US side of the pond may not have heard fo Wayne Rooney the English Premier League Footballer and his "colourful" escapades.

 

Wayne Rooney, a Roman Catholic, married his childhood sweetheart Colleen also a Roman Catholic. He started sleeping with prostitutes aged 16 and seems to have trouble keeping it in his pants ever since.

 

Wayne Rooney's many indiscretions ? cheating with prostitutes, romping with grannies and how Coleen always takes him back - Mirror Online

Edited by Arieswoman
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He's volunteered this info on his past out of his own choice. Wanting to be upfront and is trusting you.

 

He didn't have to do that. You can't punish a man for things he did years ago before being with you. If it was cheating or something more sinister okay, reconsider things, you'd have issues to talk about.

 

But no, this isn't a red flag, and it'd probably surprise people how common it is for a guy to have done similar.

 

My friends ex broke up with him over this issue. I personally think it was a red herring and just ammo to break up with him.

 

You've got a good, honest guy there, by the sounds of it.

 

Women in general do not want anything to do with guys who sleep with prostitutes, so I am unsure why you thought your friend's ex was "making up" an excuse to break up with him.

 

And yes you can "punish" a person for their past, people do it all the time. The past can reveal a lot about a person and people tend to see misdemeanours as who that person really is, as with experience, they find people tend to rarely change in reality.

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The past can reveal a lot about a person and people tend to see misdemeanours as who that person really is, as with experience, they find people tend to rarely change in reality.

 

This ^^^^ is spot on.

 

That's why I posted that link to Wayne Rooney :)

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I guess I'm crazy but what is the difference between a horny guy who sleeps with girls who give it up to anybody for free and a guy who hires a Prostitute? I have more respect for the Prostitute. At least they use condoms.

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FilterCoffee

If this bothers you so much that you’ll never be able to look past it then break up with him. It’ll save both of you a lot of time and energy.

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littleblackheart

It's one of those personal boundaries that are different for each individual. It's up to you to decide where you stand on this.

 

If you are on board with this based on what you know of your BF and your own gut feeling, go with that. If it's one other thing in a list of things that are giving you pause, take it into consideration and make a decision based on the overall picture.

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FilterCoffee
Kumar123,

Folks on the US side of the pond may not have heard fo Wayne Rooney the English Premier League Footballer and his "colourful" escapades.

 

Wayne Rooney, a Roman Catholic, married his childhood sweetheart Colleen also a Roman Catholic. He started sleeping with prostitutes aged 16 and seems to have trouble keeping it in his pants ever since.

 

Manchester City or Liverpool fan? :lmao:

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kumar123

 

Can you accept that a 19 year old child who was depressed wasn't thinking straight?

 

It would be tough for me to get past too but he told you about these mistakes. You know he's clean He's being honest.

 

If you can find it in your heart to give him a pass on this immature mistake especially since he seems to have learned from the error of his way, you may have a keeper on your hands. If you will always judge the man he is now by the actions of the boy he was, break things off. He needs a champion not a persecutor.

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kumar123

 

Can you accept that a 19 year old child who was depressed wasn't thinking straight?

 

It would be tough for me to get past too but he told you about these mistakes. You know he's clean He's being honest.

 

If you can find it in your heart to give him a pass on this immature mistake especially since he seems to have learned from the error of his way, you may have a keeper on your hands. If you will always judge the man he is now by the actions of the boy he was, break things off. He needs a champion not a persecutor.

 

I would tend to agree. Normally, I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior. But, we have a young man who admits that he made a mistake and he has come clean, voluntarily. I would be tempted to give him a chance...

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I'm a Liverpool fan. (Protestant team) I've never supported Man City...

 

Wayne Rooney plays for Everton (Catholic team)

 

It's a bit like Rangers & Celtic....:)

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FilterCoffee
I'm a Liverpool fan. (Protestant team) I've never supported Man City...

 

Wayne Rooney plays for Everton (Catholic team)

 

I didn’t know that. I guess you’re not single cos you’ll never walk alone right? :)

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It really is up to you. Personally, my decision would depend on many factors, including why he did it, what his thoughts are on prostitution in general and how he views what he did. I do commend him on being honest with you, though.

 

Assuming you are in a place where prostitution isn't legal or regulated (and thus are not usually "clean"), I would strongly recommend you both get STD tests ASAP.

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Women in general do not want anything to do with guys who sleep with prostitutes, so I am unsure why you thought your friend's ex was "making up" an excuse to break up with him.

 

And yes you can "punish" a person for their past, people do it all the time. The past can reveal a lot about a person and people tend to see misdemeanours as who that person really is, as with experience, they find people tend to rarely change in reality.

 

It’s obviously a preference someone hasn’t done this in the past. But to say all womankind generally want nothing to do with any man whom has slept with a prostitute is a significant exaggeration in my experience. You actually termed it ‘sleeping with prostitutes’ – the OP clearly said he had slept with some years ago. Not actively does so.

 

I’m unsure why you think from 1 summarising line as to my friends situation, you know differently about her reasons? I lived with them and saw her pulling away when they explored the idea of marriage. She checked out 2 months earlier and the prostitution was definitely just cannon fodder on her part, she’s since hinted as to the true reasons.

 

Whether you can punish someone for their past acts is a moot point. We all have history. He was young and had nothing to do with this lady, nor loyalties. Where do you draw the line, within 5 dates does everyone have to release a maintained list of legally dubious moves, morally poor decisions, negatives things done to an ex??? A relationship score book of sorts??

 

No, that’s not the real world. No one’s perfect and like it or not prostitution is legal and common place in a lot of places. The past is the past. Unless it’s a severe act then a lot of people would deem it as their discretion to share based on how much they trust and want to share with the person. And welcome that honesty. Don’t punish it with judgement. Okay express disappointment and concerns, like an adult.

 

People rarely change? Sorry, but your standards are off the roof, and you’re also rather cynical of humankind. There’s every reason this lady can maturely move forwards with this man and not react very strongly or run away as it appears you say you might. But if all women truly ran from guys whom had done this as you say, then there’d be millions of men whom are simply never worthy of dating a woman again. Hardly rational or reasonable.

Edited by BryanSmiley
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Hmm this is a difficult one and I know women who say they would never be with a man who seen a prostitute and vise versa.

 

Personally, I would see this as an red flag. I would be afraid years down the line, when the relationship goes into a rocky phase and they all do. He be likely to cheat on me with an prostitute! I know some people may roll their eyes at this but yes I would be worried about that.

 

It is your own choice to make OP.

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Space Ritual
You can't punish a man for things he did years ago before being with you.

 

What are you talking about? This subforum is littered with threads of people punishing their significant other or spouse for a multitude of things they did with other people before they even knew the other person existed.

 

Punishing people we care about because we are butthurt about things that happened long ago that does not concern us is a national past time. lol

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I've paid for favors when I was a kid... big deal. I live in an area where its everywhere, and when you're 18 years old and girls dont like you, the allure of the street is too much to overcome. Not something I'm proud of, but I did it. I see hookers on my street everyday and just keep driving. I have the social tools to find something much better for free now.

 

What I find shocking is that he even told you this on the same day you professed your love for each other for the first time. He needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. What did he have to gain from that?

 

That would be like me telling my new girlfriend "I love you... by the way, did I ever tell you about the time I had sex with a girl and then her mother later that same day?" What is wrong with him lmao.

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Since he came forward with it voluntarily and seems to think differently about it now I would leave it in the past. If he hadn't gotten past that behavior or that way of dealing with life I would move on but that doesn't sound like the case here.

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