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Would you cancel this based on the info I found?


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

I started chatting to a guy before I disabled the OLD app (before Christmas). He is in early 40s, cute, educated, seems classy and owns a software dev company. He told me that he has been married for 9 years but when I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink". So we set a date.

 

He has an unusual name so I snooped on FB and found him easily. He has no pictures of his wife or ex wife but I easily figured out who she is based on some comments. Her profile contains a lot of family pictures, last one dated October 2017 and she still has his last name on FB. So he is either married and cheating or they split up recently. What's wrong with these people? I am very clear that I don't want hook ups in my profile and conversation.

 

I am not sure if I should just cancel & block. This was supposed to be my last OLD date for a very long time.

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todreaminblue
I started chatting to a guy before I disabled the OLD app (before Christmas). He is in early 40s, cute, educated, seems classy and owns a software dev company. He told me that he has been married for 9 years but when I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink". So we set a date.

 

He has an unusual name so I snooped on FB and found him easily. He has no pictures of his wife or ex wife but I easily figured out who she is based on some comments. Her profile contains a lot of family pictures, last one dated October 2017 and she still has his last name on FB. So he is either married and cheating or they split up recently. What's wrong with these people? I am very clear that I don't want hook ups in my profile and conversation.

 

I am not sure if I should just cancel & block. This was supposed to be my last OLD date for a very long time.

 

my mum still has my step dads last name they have not been together for over a decade...closer to two decades actually ..no contact but still havent divorced....if she were to want to marry again she would get divorced i guess.and take the last name of her new husband....my mum wont change her name back because she was married for that long unless they get divorced and she remarries...she will still have my step dads last name...

 

eternal i think you should give him a chance...its a drink...let him at least explain.....for your own closure even....deb

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Ask him specifically when his divorce was final!

 

Then confirm it by looking it up on court records (public info).

 

I never take a guys word for being divorced - seriously, SO MANY married men think they can date by pretending to be divorced when they are definitely still very much married!

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I'd cancel and block. If a man isn't completely single we have nothing to discuss.

As for having exactly what you want in your profile, married men in particular are great at ignoring what you want and pushing for what they want.

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Not every woman changes her name back when she divorces, especially if there are kids involved.

 

But my best guess is that he's separated, or that's what he's going to tell you, and the divorce isn't final yet. Could be one of those 'separated in his mind only' cases.

 

I'd go just to hear what he's got to say. You already have a heads up, so it could be interesting.

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It doesn't mean they're still together or even recently divorced. My mother and father have been divorced for more than three decades, but she still bears his last name.

 

She worked in the public school system where her students knew her as "Mrs [My last name]" and it was easier on everybody that she kept it. It was never a big deal and didn't interfere with any of her post-divorce relationships or my father's.

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I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink".

Red flag. He is still married. No drink, no meeting, NEXT.

 

If you really wanted to give him a chance you could have just said "well I would rather not waste my time going for a drink with someone who is still married or is on the rebound so please answer my question".

 

Facebook stalking seems a bit excessive, here.

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I started chatting to a guy before I disabled the OLD app (before Christmas). He is in early 40s, cute, educated, seems classy and owns a software dev company. He told me that he has been married for 9 years but when I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink". So we set a date.

 

He has an unusual name so I snooped on FB and found him easily. He has no pictures of his wife or ex wife but I easily figured out who she is based on some comments. Her profile contains a lot of family pictures, last one dated October 2017 and she still has his last name on FB. So he is either married and cheating or they split up recently. What's wrong with these people? I am very clear that I don't want hook ups in my profile and conversation.

 

I am not sure if I should just cancel & block. This was supposed to be my last OLD date for a very long time.

 

Don't put too much on maintaining the married name, especially with children involved and sometimes it just works better to keep it for various reasons, including professional establishment. I'm more than a decade out of my divorce and still maintain it. Changing it costs serious money at this point and a lot of work getting everything changed with bank accounts and bills, etc. It's a pain.

 

You definitely want to be concerned about how long he's been divorced and if he's dated in between. At this point, it won't kill you to get out of the house, meet a nice man, and see what transpires, have a drink. If it turns out he's only separated, divorce not final yet, divorce brand new, hasn't dated since the breakup, then you can call it quits. It would give me pause that he couldn't simply say it while you were talking, but you really have nothing to lose at this point.

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He told me that he has been married for 9 years but when I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink". So we set a date.

 

Her name is not an issue some divorced people are Mrs ____ till the day they die, but ^^^ is the issue.

I guess he is at best separated.

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I am not sure if I should just cancel & block.

You don't know whether you should cancel and block, or what? It looks like you know everything you want to from your snooping and assumptions.

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I guess he is at best separated.

 

That's what it sounds like to me....based on his talk it over a drink comment rather than answer the question

 

As far as the last name.. you can't go by that.. my ExW still has my last name and we have been divorced 17 years... no kids together.

 

Most women also never change their name if there are kids...

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I agree with some others that you have nothing to lose, but if he's being evasive on the meet-up, or is actually "separated", (or even still married) be prepared to excuse yourself walk away.

 

And don't fall for all that crap about "we don't have a marriage/we live separate lives/we're only together for the kids/my wife is frigid/it's a marriage in name only/my wife has given me permission/it's too expensive to divorce her/I'm making plans to leave but now isn't a good time " etc etc :rolleyes:

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Ask him specifically when his divorce was final!

 

Then confirm it by looking it up on court records (public info).

 

I never take a guys word for being divorced - seriously, SO MANY married men think they can date by pretending to be divorced when they are definitely still very much married!

 

My guess is he's still married and looking to cheat.

 

As above said. Most married guys will try to pull this one. I know I was planning to if my EA was going to ever get.to next.level.

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But look at the bright side. At least he didn't straight out lie. He just refused to give an answer.

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Eternal Sunshine
Red flag. He is still married. No drink, no meeting, NEXT.

 

If you really wanted to give him a chance you could have just said "well I would rather not waste my time going for a drink with someone who is still married or is on the rebound so please answer my question".

 

Facebook stalking seems a bit excessive, here.

 

I don't think it's excessive at all, you gotta look out for yourself.

 

I wish it was as simple as asking a direct question. I found that when I did that in the past, men thought I was too blunt and intense. It never went down well to start off harshly. Also, he could easily just lie.

 

I think I will see how I feel on the day, depending on how tired I am after work and what's my general mood like. He works in the same area so he is not going out of his way.

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He told me that he has been married for 9 years but when I asked him how long ago was that, he said "I would rather talk about it over a drink". So we set a date.

 

The problem you may have is that, you sort of accepted he is still married, by not going "Well what exactly does that mean?"

He dodged the question and you essentially went "That is fine by me, where are we going for our date?"

 

MM often rely on subtle clues and he gave you an obvious one, and by being unfased you gave him the green light.

He may be less than pleased, if you then play the "You are a married man!!!!!! I want nothing to do with you." card.

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Ahhh , and yet another day l just thank the Gods l'm not on bloody FB.

 

You know when l first went on the date site, talking to someone, next day she text me abusing the shyt outa me and calling me david, ahh,l'm not David.

 

She said yes you are you've been lying to me l saw you on FB , l saw everything , your an effg this and an effg that and ra ra ra .

 

Yikes , dunno what this guy has on his FB but it sure pissed her off. :D

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I don't think it's excessive at all, you gotta look out for yourself.

I meant excessive time and effort wasted, investigating someone who has already shown you red flags.

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It is, of course, up to you if you want to meet. But maybe just to see what he says.

 

When my ex wife and I separated we had been marred for 20 years and had kids. So we lived our separate lives, agreed we can date whoever, but didn't see the point in a divorce unless one of us found someone we wanted to marry. I DID and am now divorced and will be getting married again. But, yeah, it's tough to verify such a story. "We're separated but nothing official." My current fiance chose to believe me, and we are now in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. But I'm sure plenty of guys would lie about their situation.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It is, of course, up to you if you want to meet. But maybe just to see what he says.

 

When my ex wife and I separated we had been marred for 20 years and had kids. So we lived our separate lives, agreed we can date whoever, but didn't see the point in a divorce unless one of us found someone we wanted to marry. I DID and am now divorced and will be getting married again. But, yeah, it's tough to verify such a story. "We're separated but nothing official." My current fiance chose to believe me, and we are now in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. But I'm sure plenty of guys would lie about their situation.

 

Good point.

 

One of my BFFs is in this situation. They've been separated for a year, but neither has filed for divorce, and she's been in a relationship for about 5 or 6 months. Finally getting around to filing is on the to-do list for the new year. They still did Christmas morning together and are, for the most part, congenial because there was no infidelity or abuse. I could see her saying, "I'd rather tell you over a drink" because on the surface it's not what it seems.

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There is also the possibility that some people just don't want to get into the details of their divorce before meeting up.

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If you can verify it with his wife - then I'd say go ahead.

 

If not, then he's not trying to divorce.

 

Bad idea. You are going to contact a complete strangers wife and ask if he is divorced. You run the possibility of being a total whacko stalker and also possibly of causing a lot of problems in someone else's life. Don't bring bad karrma unto yourself.

 

Just ask the dude flat out if he is married because you don't want to date or hook up with married men.

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