Jump to content

Does he care about me?


emzara

Recommended Posts

I have an illness that I am not going to identify because it's not well understood and the point of my post is to ask about my relationship. The key part that you need to know is that there was something in my apartment that was making me really sick because of this illness.

 

My boyfriend came over and saw how sick I was (I wasn't fully aware how sick I had become because I was so out of it) and said he needed to get me out of there. So, he brought me home and invited me to stay there to get away from my apartment, so I was there all week.

 

A week later, I met him at a special event he had invited me to, so we took separate cars. After it was over, we were both going to his place. I was unfamiliar with the area, so I told him I would follow him.

 

All of a sudden, he did a U-turn and whipped around a small side street and then stopped at a red light. I had a car behind me tailing pretty closely, so I couldn't do the same sudden U-turn. I had to put my signal on and turn into a driveway and turn around more slowly. As I was backing up, I noticed he turned right on the red.

 

In other words, he didn't check to make sure I was behind him and wait for me. He kept going, assuming I was behind him.

 

By the time I got to the light and turned right, I couldn't find him. Other cards had driven up behind him (it was dark out) and I lost him in the traffic.

 

He phoned me bluetooth to bluetooth a few minutes later when he realized I wasn't behind him.

 

I said, "That was a pretty dick move". Who whips around like that when someone is following?!

 

He told me the name of a gas station he was at, but at that point, I had already driven to where I was forced to choose a turn and it wasn't the kind of turn you can just undo. I was on some other highway and no idea how to find him. So, I turned on my crappy map on my phone and decided to follow it. I told him never mind, I'm using my map app.

 

The trouble is, every once in a while that app sends me in circles and this was one of those times. It told me to take the left highway and then suddenly told me to do a U-turn and I was totally lost. I didn't know how to get to his place.

 

I did end up seeing a sign that I knew would lead me to my apartment.

 

I bluetooth phoned and phoned and phoned, but kept getting his answering machine. Finally, I left a message telling him the app was sending me in circles and I didn't know how to find him, so I was going to go back home. At a red light, I texted him, "Going home".

 

Well, in the end, I ended up seeing another sign that I realized would take me to his place, so I took it and found my way after all. I got in significantly later than he did. I was driving for quite a while (30 minutes? 45 minutes?) and no phone call from him.

 

When I walked through his door he said, "Oh, you did come here after all". He had received my message and hadn't phoned to see if I was ok.

 

When I confronted him about it, he said he was upset with me for calling him a dick and said he let me go home. He knew it would make me sick there and didn't bother phoning me back to make sure I was alright.

 

What do you think?

Edited by emzara
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it was a series of errors that led to high tension & misunderstanding. Some people like your BF suck at having somebody follow them. You understandably got stressed & upset. You lashed out, calling him a name. He was stressed when he realized you were lost then got upset when you called him a name. When you then went home he felt even worse but lashed out.

 

Both of you need to apologize. Then you need to learn your way around his neighbor & invest in a better GPS/mapping system.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think it was a series of errors that led to high tension & misunderstanding. Some people like your BF suck at having somebody follow them. You understandably got stressed & upset. You lashed out, calling him a name. He was stressed when he realized you were lost then got upset when you called him a name. When you then went home he felt even worse but lashed out.

 

Both of you need to apologize. Then you need to learn your way around his neighbor & invest in a better GPS/mapping system.

 

Actually, I didn't call him a name. I said it was a "dick move". This is lingo I hear all the time, especially at work. For example, my former colleague said that I should only attend an interview if I wanted the job because otherwise it would be a "dick move".

 

I wasn't lashing out at my boyfriend. I was trying to tell him that what he did was inconsiderate.

 

The thing I'm stuck on is that he was fine to let me go and be sick.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Both of you need to apologize. Then you need to learn your way around his neighbor & invest in a better GPS/mapping system.

 

Mapping aside, the point is that he was fine not to phone me back and let me go be sick. That's significantly more serious than the word "dick", no?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand what you said. You were describing infuriating behavior. Do you understand what he heard -- you calling him a name?

 

I won't say based on this incident alone that he lost feelings for you. I will agree with you that he could have expressed concern in a more concrete manner but some people are just clueless. Not knowing him I can't say whether he no longer cares for you or that he just assumed you would be OK because he perceived no danger.

 

If you think this incident was break up worthy then dump him. I think it's worth getting mad about, worth discussing your expectations should something similar happen in the future, & worth investing in some better technology so it doesn't happen again. But then you need to get over it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

But you are an adult and you are responsible for your own wellbeing. If your apartment was making you sick, why would you be going back yourself? Also, are you doing anything to change the situation about your apartment?

 

Mapping aside, the point is that he was fine not to phone me back and let me go be sick. That's significantly more serious than the word "dick", no?
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara

I think he had good intentions and cared enough about your well being to let you stay temporarily. However, it doesn't sound like he wants to take on more than that. Perhaps he is feeling the pressure and the responsibility of this relationship is becoming a bit much for him, so he is pulling away.

 

I'd be inclined to see his behavior as a passive aggressive way of trying to assert his independence from you, and possibly make you mad enough at him to give each other some space.

 

Sometimes people don't know how to express how they are feeling so it comes out in different ways. In your case, I imagine it would be difficult for him to admit that he doesn't want you living their all the time, because it would make him the bad guy if you went back to your place.

 

If I was in this situation, I would take it as a sign that I needed to find a new apartment sooner rather than later.

Edited by Scarlett.O'hara
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The phrase you used may be commonly used in your circles, but it's the type of phrase which is attacking in it's intent. I can easily understand why someone would get upset to have it used in relation to something they did.

 

Had you said "I lost you at the U turn", it gives the exact description of what happened without being offensive. Thing is, if you use offensive expressions, people will get offended and not be as helpful as they could have been.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

You stayed at his apartment for a week, yet somehow couldn't find it on your own that one night? I don't get it.

 

It's generally a good idea to have a meeting spot in case someone gets lost behind at a light or traffic. You, as a driver, should have a better handle on where to go. Meeting at the local convenience store on X and Y streets in case someone gets lost is reasonable. It should be pre-planned. Some people really aren't good leaders when driving and others are not good followers. It sounds like a series of unfortunate events and not some deliberate ploy to lose you or some uncaring gesture.

 

You seem to want extra sympathy on this unnamed illness of yours; otherwise, I don't see how it's relevant to this story. Apparently it causes driving impairment, so you shouldn't be driving.

 

I don't know how long you've been dating, but this boyfriend of yours may not be ready to take on a live-in girlfriend, and while he cared enough to help you out and give you a place to recover, you really need to be dealing with whatever the issue is at your apartment with the landlord. He didn't expect you to be a permanent fixture. Have you taken any measures to improve your home situation?

 

Have you taken the time to learn how to get to the apartment you were living in for a week?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The phrase you used may be commonly used in your circles, but it's the type of phrase which is attacking in it's intent. I can easily understand why someone would get upset to have it used in relation to something they did.

 

Had you said "I lost you at the U turn", it gives the exact description of what happened without being offensive. Thing is, if you use offensive expressions, people will get offended and not be as helpful as they could have been.

 

 

This is very helpful, thank you. I honestly didn't think of those words as being attacking. I can see how that was taken by him.

 

I did say, "I lose you at the U-turn" and several other non-attacking things. But, I also said the other words.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, did the relationship issue you outlined here, also apparently some communication problems, predate or postdate the current issue in this thread? I was a bit confused on the timelines. It seems to me that communication styles are missing each other here.

 

As to the title, it sounds like he cares but isn't expressing it in a style which speaks to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You stayed at his apartment for a week, yet somehow couldn't find it on your own that one night? I don't get it.

 

We were coming from a completely different end of town and I'm new to the city. I know my way there from work and from my old apartment, but not from this other place we were at.

 

Honestly, this is irrelevant. I was lost. That's what was relevant.

 

Some people really aren't good leaders when driving and others are not good followers. It sounds like a series of unfortunate events and not some deliberate ploy to lose you or some uncaring gesture.

 

Thank you, that's what I was looking for - perspective on that.

 

You seem to want extra sympathy on this unnamed illness of yours; otherwise, I don't see how it's relevant to this story. Apparently it causes driving impairment, so you shouldn't be driving.

 

Where did you get driving impairment from? I get lost easily and had no idea where I was going. Completely unrelated to illness or no illness. Mentioning it was relevant because going to my apartment makes me sick. If I wanted "extra sympathy", I would have explained a heck of a lot more about the illness.

 

I don't know how long you've been dating, but this boyfriend of yours may not be ready to take on a live-in girlfriend, and while he cared enough to help you out and give you a place to recover, you really need to be dealing with whatever the issue is at your apartment with the landlord. He didn't expect you to be a permanent fixture. Have you taken any measures to improve your home situation?

 

Yes, I've taken measures to improve the home situation. It's not as simple as talking to the landlord. I have sublet it and found another place.

 

Before this, he had asked me to move in, so I don't think it's accurate to say he's not ready.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP, did the relationship issue you outlined here, also apparently some communication problems, predate or postdate the current issue in this thread? I was a bit confused on the timelines. It seems to me that communication styles are missing each other here.

 

As to the title, it sounds like he cares but isn't expressing it in a style which speaks to you.

 

This event with the driving happened before the issue in that thread. Overall, we've had communication problems.

 

Every time I post more than one story at a time, two things happen:

 

- People who reply go wayyyy overboard in overanalyzing and end up calling him abusive, which is way off track

- Fewer people want to read a whole, long book of a post

 

So, I'm breaking up stories into separate posts. I have trouble gaining perspective because of previous hurts and because I'm very sensitive. So, it's helpful to get other points of view on various things that have upset me to evaluate whether I'm reacting appropriately or being over-sensitive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think he had good intentions and cared enough about your well being to let you stay temporarily. However, it doesn't sound like he wants to take on more than that. Perhaps he is feeling the pressure and the responsibility of this relationship is becoming a bit much for him, so he is pulling away.

 

I'd be inclined to see his behavior as a passive aggressive way of trying to assert his independence from you, and possibly make you mad enough at him to give each other some space.

 

Sometimes people don't know how to express how they are feeling so it comes out in different ways. In your case, I imagine it would be difficult for him to admit that he doesn't want you living their all the time, because it would make him the bad guy if you went back to your place.

 

If I was in this situation, I would take it as a sign that I needed to find a new apartment sooner rather than later.

 

Thanks for your reply, but I think you're jumping to conclusions and making some pretty big assumptions. Pulling away? Hardly.

 

He got really upset with me for "calling him a dick" and said he felt really hurt, so he didn't think twice about me going back to my apartment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
But you are an adult and you are responsible for your own wellbeing. If your apartment was making you sick, why would you be going back yourself? Also, are you doing anything to change the situation about your apartment?

 

Because I had nowhere else to go. That is, until I found my way to his place without my stupid app getting me lost.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I understand what you said. You were describing infuriating behavior. Do you understand what he heard -- you calling him a name?

 

Yes, I get that now. Thank you for reiterating. That explains a lot more and reassures me that it's not because he didn't care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Calling it a "dick move" implies that you perceived his actions as something purposefully directed against you, which is really unfair to him. He cared enough to offer you to stay at his place until you fix your situation or whatever, and you went ahead and thought the worst about him (or so he believes). No wonder he was hurt by your words.

 

I've met guys who are absolutely horrible at giving driving instructions or describing locations. It's something you're either naturally good at, or you're not. Some people, when they excel at something, has certain difficulties identifying with those who don't. They lack this special type of intuition pedagogically inclined people have. That could be the case with your boyfriend.

 

The fact that he didn't answer or check with you is him being upset. I guess you're an adult and can do well enough on your own when needed, or?

 

However, I do think he should apologize for being inconsiderate about his driving, but so should you. Don't automatically assume the worst about someone who showed care and consideration in other spheres.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Calling it a "dick move" implies that you perceived his actions as something purposefully directed against you, which is really unfair to him. He cared enough to offer you to stay at his place until you fix your situation or whatever, and you went ahead and thought the worst about him (or so he believes). No wonder he was hurt by your words.

 

I've met guys who are absolutely horrible at giving driving instructions or describing locations. It's something you're either naturally good at, or you're not. Some people, when they excel at something, has certain difficulties identifying with those who don't. They lack this special type of intuition pedagogically inclined people have. That could be the case with your boyfriend.

 

The fact that he didn't answer or check with you is him being upset. I guess you're an adult and can do well enough on your own when needed, or?

 

However, I do think he should apologize for being inconsiderate about his driving, but so should you. Don't automatically assume the worst about someone who showed care and consideration in other spheres.

 

This is super helpful, thank you.

 

I didn't even consider that he wasn't good at having someone follow him. To me it's obvious, but I didn't consider it was something he wasn't good at. I assumed he didn't care. You're right, I assumed the worst.

 

To me, "dick move" meant "inconsiderate". And I can totally see how hurtful that was. If he was doing what he thought was right and I - to his perspective - called him a name, I can see how awful that must have been for him. Thank you for helping me see this. I still don't get how it's not obvious that if you do a sudden U-turn, ya might lose the person, but I think it's more a matter of skill and awareness than ill-intention.

 

I definitely will try to assume better of someone who has shown me a lot of care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reading your posts, you seemed to make everything your boyfriend's responsibility. It could well be that you were not doing a good job following him. So what are you going to do if your apartment has an emergency and your boyfriend is on one of his spiritual trips? Blaming him? It sounds to me like you were trying to get a reaction from him by announcing you're going back to the apartment that's making you sick.

 

Because I had nowhere else to go. That is, until I found my way to his place without my stupid app getting me lost.
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Reading your posts, you seemed to make everything your boyfriend's responsibility. It could well be that you were not doing a good job following him. So what are you going to do if your apartment has an emergency and your boyfriend is on one of his spiritual trips? Blaming him? It sounds to me like you were trying to get a reaction from him by announcing you're going back to the apartment that's making you sick.

 

Would you be able to follow someone if they made a sudden U-Turn and you had a car right behind you? Yeah, me neither.

 

What do you mean if there's an emergency at my apartment? What kind of emergency? How does that relate to him being away? I've lost the plot. What would I blame my boyfriend for exactly?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Reading your posts, you seemed to make everything your boyfriend's responsibility. It could well be that you were not doing a good job following him. So what are you going to do if your apartment has an emergency and your boyfriend is on one of his spiritual trips? Blaming him? It sounds to me like you were trying to get a reaction from him by announcing you're going back to the apartment that's making you sick.

 

Also, there's a big difference between blaming... and simply wanting to know you're cared about.

 

I want to know that he cares about my well-being. That's it. Pretty basic human need.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara
Thanks for your reply, but I think you're jumping to conclusions and making some pretty big assumptions. Pulling away? Hardly.

 

He got really upset with me for "calling him a dick" and said he felt really hurt, so he didn't think twice about me going back to my apartment.

 

If that's all it was, great!

 

I'm only going by what you shared. He took off and didn't wait for you, then was offended when you became upset, and was happy enough to let you go back to the house that made you sick. It just sounded like it might be a convenient excuse to get some space.

 

I could be completely wrong, but I just wanted to warn you that if you start to see signs that he is getting easily frustrated, it might be because he misses having his own space.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If that's all it was, great!

 

I'm only going by what you shared. He took off and didn't wait for you, then was offended when you became upset, and was happy enough to let you go back to the house that made you sick. It just sounded like it might be a convenient excuse to get some space.

 

I could be completely wrong, but I just wanted to warn you that if you start to see signs that he is getting easily frustrated, it might be because he misses having his own space.

 

I hear you. That makes sense.

 

I'm realizing he was offended because he didn't mean to lose me. He insisted he thought I was behind him. I felt so hurt, that I harboured on the fact that he didn't actually look to see if I was there.

 

I think I just felt uncared for and jumped to the wrong conclusions about him not caring. He had just invited me to start moving into his place, but we had intended to wait a little longer. The apartment making me sick kind of rushed things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara
I hear you. That makes sense.

 

I'm realizing he was offended because he didn't mean to lose me. He insisted he thought I was behind him. I felt so hurt, that I harboured on the fact that he didn't actually look to see if I was there.

 

I think I just felt uncared for and jumped to the wrong conclusions about him not caring. He had just invited me to start moving into his place, but we had intended to wait a little longer. The apartment making me sick kind of rushed things.

 

I understand. You are both in a transitional period right now. Moving in together is a bit step, which might make you both a bit more sensitive to things the other person says and does.

 

It can take a bit of time and adjustment sometimes. Just try to be forgiving and kind to each other, and work on keeping the lines of communication open.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I understand. You are both in a transitional period right now. Moving in together is a bit step, which might make you both a bit more sensitive to things the other person says and does.

 

It can take a bit of time and adjustment sometimes. Just try to be forgiving and kind to each other, and work on keeping the lines of communication open.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you!

 

Yes, you're right. I, especially after having been in an abusive marriage, am especially sensitive to perceived mistreatment or uncaring behaviour.

 

And we definitely need better communication. Thanks for the good luck. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...