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How to navigate casual dating?


No_Go

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I’ve been seeing someone very casually - so far primarily friendly but tension build up is hard to hide. The situation is not suitable for relationship but I’m enjoying it a lot and I’d be enjoying it more if we can introduce some physical component.

 

The thing is: I have never had a FWB besides with exes, so I have no idea what I’m doing. Every time things get slightly heated a trigger in my brain makes me pull away. I know I want it and it’s killing me that I can’t let this inhibition go and have a proper adult conversation about expectations and stuff. But this childlike outings are cute and fun, but IMO will run their course sooner than later.. and tbh I’d want at least an ONS out of the whole thing. If we can keep very low key long term FWB situation -even better.

 

If this particular person doesn’t work out - I’d still be on the look for casual, it is just not a good spot in my life for anything else, that’s why I want to leave the details off discussion.

 

Any tips how to gently facilitate? Or how to get over mental blocks when it comes to casual?

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Hey girly! :D

 

I have no idea how to navigate a casual relationship as I've never been in one or have had a desire to be

 

I just feel like the reason why you have mental blocks about this is because deep down, you want much, much more

 

What happened to the family you want? Kids? Your house to share with someone special?

 

You said you would keep an eye out for more suitable partners but we both know you have tunnel vision. Once you get your eye on someone you may like, you can't look elsewhere. I'm the same way. So what if your focus on this guy (who isnt cut out for what I believe you want, a LTR, and distracts you from finding someone who can give you exactly that?)

 

If someone truly wants a casual relationship, all the power to them. But I dont think you do. I think you want what you've always wanted....something real, sustainable, loving, caring, intimate, someone you can have a family with.

 

Just because you stumbled upon this guy doesnt mean you need to date him. There's plenty of people in the world. Find one that wants what you want.

 

I fear if you settle for this arrangement, you'll find yourself on a long, painful

detour leading away from what you really want :(

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Ramp back expectations and live in the now.

 

Don't telegraph any future anything. Don't sell. Just be. Enjoy the date/sex and move on.

 

I did it a long time ago and it was truly casual dating, meaning socializing. No ONS, no FWB (that wasn't a phrase back then), no sport-fcking. Just good solid fun socializing, sure with physical interaction, dancing, arm in arm, hugging, kissing all that stuff, then the night is over and move on. Sometiimes the mood would strike to revisit, other times not. All part of the deal. Very different from dating to have a LTR or become married. The mindset is different. Some folks can switch better than others. For myself it took a bit of work.

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Dis, you may be right regarding the big picture, but right now - I am too burnt out to date someone seriously... I think it is a period of time I just need to accept as is, and find the person I want to settle down with later. I just can't do it right now, I don't feel ready for committed relationship at the moment (or to put it more clearly: a relationship in which progression is expected; I know even if I'm 'casual' with someone I can't multidate).

 

This guy is just so charming and caring, and makes me feel safe around him. I don't think he'll want to detract me from my goals, he also know what I'd ultimately need to do, some day.

 

But we have this very cute bond, and I just crave so badly being with him, just once, to get it out of my system, actually this may reset me for better dating life some time this year.

 

I feel like if I let this go I'll just spin around and round and think about it for months, reinforcing the so too familiar tunnel vision. I could be delusional about it, I don't know, as said I've never had a casual intimacy or FWB so I am not sure how this will go...

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Don't telegraph any future anything. So that's my issue. I feel like that's why I suck at anything casual: in my head I'm always months (years) ahead.

 

Just good solid fun socializing, sure with physical interaction We're at this level right now and I feel like I need something more :(

 

However - Very different from dating to have a LTR or become married. - that's what I want to avoid right now. I mean any 'progression of RL' ideas (meeting friends/family etc) freak me out to no end. I ultimately want to settle down with someone and have kids, but right now - I don't think I can do it. I need more single time for myself. But I crave the intimacy (not only sexual, emotional as well), so it is a limbo situation.

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What the heck is casual dating? Is it dating just for the sake of it, without leading anywhere? How is it different from ordinary dating (since we don't expect every single date to lead to a relationship anyway... or at least we don't expect that if we're dating with the right mindset). I understand FWB, is it the same? I'm confused.

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What the heck is casual dating? Is it dating just for the sake of it, without leading anywhere? How is it different from ordinary dating (since we don't expect every single date to lead to a relationship anyway... or at least we don't expect that if we're dating with the right mindset). I understand FWB, is it the same? I'm confused.

 

Dating without expectations for progression to commitment (live-in RL/marriage or pre-procedures like making it 'official', meeting the friends/family, being introduced to people as a couple). Basically the emotional and physical intimacy without the burden of 'ordinary' dating.

 

So basically FWB yeah, but with more impact on the 'friends' then on the 'benefits'.

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Dating without expectations for progression to commitment (live-in RL/marriage or pre-procedures like making it 'official', meeting the friends/family, being introduced to people as a couple). Basically the emotional and physical intimacy without the burden of 'ordinary' dating.

 

So basically FWB yeah, but with more impact on the 'friends' then on the 'benefits'.

 

Hmm, ok. But doesn't it become a self-fulfiling prophecy that way? We label an interraction as "casual" so we never truly open up to a possibility of it growing into something else.

 

My mind is usually blank, when I go on dates. I don't expect anything out of it, but I try not to doom it prematurely either. So I guess I am dating casually, but without overthinking it.

 

Unless you specifically don't want to it grow at this point? But why date at all in that case?

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Hmm, ok. But doesn't it become a self-fulfiling prophecy that way? We label an interraction as "casual" so we never truly open up to a possibility of it growing into something else.

 

My mind is usually blank, when I go on dates. I don't expect anything out of it, but I try not to doom it prematurely either. So I guess I am dating casually, but without overthinking it.

 

Unless you specifically don't want to it grow at this point? But why date at all in that case?

 

Yeah, better to go with blank mind but here I don't see real possibility for more than casual. I'd be shocked if so.

 

Unless you specifically don't want to it grow at this point? But why date at all in that case? I guess I crave emotional and physical intimacy and it's hard to fight it. And this particular person just makes me feel good, cared for and happy, we are very good friends, and we always have a blast in each other's company. I'd be fully happy to leave it as, just add the physical component...

 

But d*mn I act like a baby when I have to actually act on it and pull away every time :(

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Yeah, better to go with blank mind but here I don't see real possibility for more than casual. I'd be shocked if so.

 

Unless you specifically don't want to it grow at this point? But why date at all in that case? I guess I crave emotional and physical intimacy and it's hard to fight it. And this particular person just makes me feel good, cared for and happy, we are very good friends, and we always have a blast in each other's company. I'd be fully happy to leave it as, just add the physical component...

 

But d*mn I act like a baby when I have to actually act on it and pull away every time :(

 

Is this still that biologist guy?

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Sample content:

 

When I'm planning and prepping for the date, am I thinking boy I'm going to have fun tonight or am I thinking I want to impress this gal because I want to get married someday? IME, I saw a marked difference, having dated in different realms for nearly two decades. Casual dating became much more fluid, and fun, once I got that married stuff out of my head. That didn't mean it didn't return at some future date, and it did, but for a number of years there was no focus on it and socializing was in and of itself good clean fun. Sure, nothing is perfect but the expectation for a good encounter to repeat and grow wasn't there. That meant even solid fits were treated as casual. For someone who's into casual sex as an option that could mean for them ONS or FWB are on the menu but without any expectations of future contact or a relationship.

 

I imagine it works differently for different people; for myself it was a psychological switch. Perhaps some people never have to make a switch; I did.

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Dis, you may be right regarding the big picture, but right now - I am too burnt out to date someone seriously... I think it is a period of time I just need to accept as is, and find the person I want to settle down with later. I just can't do it right now, I don't feel ready for committed relationship at the moment (or to put it more clearly: a relationship in which progression is expected; I know even if I'm 'casual' with someone I can't multidate).

 

This guy is just so charming and caring, and makes me feel safe around him. I don't think he'll want to detract me from my goals, he also know what I'd ultimately need to do, some day.

 

But we have this very cute bond, and I just crave so badly being with him, just once, to get it out of my system, actually this may reset me for better dating life some time this year.

 

I feel like if I let this go I'll just spin around and round and think about it for months, reinforcing the so too familiar tunnel vision. I could be delusional about it, I don't know, as said I've never had a casual intimacy or FWB so I am not sure how this will go...

 

No_Go, I can really see your perspective. I totally understand that you're burnt out right now and dont have the heart to find something lasting at the present moment.

 

Now I understand

 

As long as this doesnt derail your future goals or end up putting you in a position to get hurt, go for it

 

I think you should invite him over. Cook him dinner. Have some wine or beer or mixed drinks, whatever he likes. Have a drink or two and just make a move. He wouldnt go on dates with you if he wasnt attracted to you.

 

Get out of your comfort zone. Embrace this journey and where it will lead or where it wont.

 

The guy is always looking for the green light so give it to him ;)

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Cookiesandough
No_Go, I can really see your perspective. I totally understand that you're burnt out right now and dont have the heart to find something lasting at the present moment.

 

Now I understand

 

As long as this doesnt derail your future goals or end up putting you in a position to get hurt, go for it

 

I think you should invite him over. Cook him dinner. Have some wine or beer or mixed drinks, whatever he likes. Have a drink or two and just make a move. He wouldnt go on dates with you if he wasnt attracted to you.

 

Get out of your comfort zone. Embrace this journey and where it will lead or where it wont.

 

The guy is always looking for the green light so give it to him ;)

 

 

I’m only have experience going on dates with diff people/having fun( or at least trying to have fun) together, but not FwB. I hear a lot of people say sex changes things. People here say “ this is why you don’t have sex until you’re ready to get emotionally involved”(like people have direct control over that lol). I don’t know how true that is. It might be bull. I think if you do not really like the person much or they have some fatal flaw but you’re still physically attracted to them it should be fine. I play it safe anyway and I guess it helps don’t get urges to do that with randoms. I always attributed to never having got ‘any’ until pretty late in life. You get used to going without. But if I recall, you were the same, so I think it’s interesring you’re having urges to jump this guy lol. He must be very attractive

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Are you sure this guy is available? In another thread, you seemed to imply that you're not sure about his status.

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Is this still that biologist guy?

 

No, it is not the summer guy. Since I start talking to this one, I kind of forgot about the summer guy which I guess is good...

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Are you sure this guy is available? In another thread, you seemed to imply that you're not sure about his status.

 

I'm still not sure. That stops me big time, although considering his time availability I'm pretty sure he leaves alone (which I know doesn't mean much, he can have a wife away etc)

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As for why, a typical example was I had a social engagement or club event and it was more fun to take someone along.

 

For the OP, apparently they have a particular guy they can't get out of their head so I'd say take him all the way with the focus on enjoying the moment and without any of the lingering 'this is going somewhere' stuff and whatever happens happens.

 

I got a 'oh carhill I miss you' voice message a couple nights ago on my phone at an ungodly hour. I texted her back the next morning that I was getting my beauty sleep. I hoped that'd sour the milk with sappiness enough that she'd focus more on her husband ;) It's a psychological change. However, this anecdote also underscores a potential pitfall, one which did occur over the years, where a casual attitude ended up being an attractant and precisely when I didn't want it to be. However, that was pretty easy to solve by ramping up the sweet and caring nice guy stuff and they went away. Don't know if that works for women but it sure works on them IME.

 

Anyway, good luck with the guy and try a few things and see what happens.

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Yeah it is the switch thing. I'm not sure myself on which side of the switch I am. Ultimately I want family one day, put the thought on hold for now,

but I don't know. I hyper-focus too much to be able to be casual, so I guess the trick is to avoid this (the hyper-focus)

 

Sample content:

 

When I'm planning and prepping for the date, am I thinking boy I'm going to have fun tonight or am I thinking I want to impress this gal because I want to get married someday? IME, I saw a marked difference, having dated in different realms for nearly two decades. Casual dating became much more fluid, and fun, once I got that married stuff out of my head. That didn't mean it didn't return at some future date, and it did, but for a number of years there was no focus on it and socializing was in and of itself good clean fun. Sure, nothing is perfect but the expectation for a good encounter to repeat and grow wasn't there. That meant even solid fits were treated as casual. For someone who's into casual sex as an option that could mean for them ONS or FWB are on the menu but without any expectations of future contact or a relationship.

 

I imagine it works differently for different people; for myself it was a psychological switch. Perhaps some people never have to make a switch; I did.

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The guy is always looking for the green light so give it to him ;)

 

How do I do that? All the guys I've been with forcefully got the green light left me no escape exit :D)

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Well sure, once a guy gets his noodle wet he wants to go to that well again, and often. Just enjoy yourself and lay it out for them. Cool, loved it, great time, over, done. Typical rejection stuff. Women do it all the time to men. We're used to it. Even when we're married ;)

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Cookiesandough
How do I do that? All the guys I've been with forcefully got the green light left me no escape exit :D)

 

There’s no way to do it if the guy is too passive... Even if you literally have to pull your boobs out and place his hand on your breast jhe’d probably just take it off and say oh pardon me you seem to have dropped your blouse let me put that back on for you

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I’m only have experience going on dates with diff people/having fun( or at least trying to have fun) together, but not FwB. I hear a lot of people say sex changes things. People here say “ this is why you don’t have sex until you’re ready to get emotionally involved”(like people have direct control over that lol). I don’t know how true that is. It might be bull. I think if you do not really like the person much or they have some fatal flaw but you’re still physically attracted to them it should be fine. I play it safe anyway and I guess it helps don’t get urges to do that with randoms. I always attributed to never having got ‘any’ until pretty late in life. You get used to going without. But if I recall, you were the same, so I think it’s interesring you’re having urges to jump this guy lol. He must be very attractive

 

Yeah I am like you. I didn't get any (and didn't even tried) until my late 20s. Then only LTRs and here and there - near-platonic dates. I have only one guy in my life that I made out with that didn't become a BF. I've never had sex with a guy that didn't become a BF (although I wasn't aiming to have sex to get a BF, this was just how things went).

 

Maybe that's why I want to try something different now. Plus since we started talking this guy is in my mind all the time. I though sex will get him out of there :D

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As for why, a typical example was I had a social engagement or club event and it was more fun to take someone along.

 

For the OP, apparently they have a particular guy they can't get out of their head so I'd say take him all the way with the focus on enjoying the moment and without any of the lingering 'this is going somewhere' stuff and whatever happens happens.

 

I got a 'oh carhill I miss you' voice message a couple nights ago on my phone at an ungodly hour. I texted her back the next morning that I was getting my beauty sleep. I hoped that'd sour the milk with sappiness enough that she'd focus more on her husband ;) It's a psychological change. However, this anecdote also underscores a potential pitfall, one which did occur over the years, where a casual attitude ended up being an attractant and precisely when I didn't want it to be. However, that was pretty easy to solve by ramping up the sweet and caring nice guy stuff and they went away. Don't know if that works for women but it sure works on them IME.

 

Anyway, good luck with the guy and try a few things and see what happens.

 

Funny to see that casual attitude ended up being an attractant. Maybe that's why I'm obsessing so much. It feels like all the good stuff without all the stress (expecting to get this 'somewhere'... right now I can't stand the thought of this sh*t).

take him all the way with the focus on enjoying the moment and without any of the lingering 'this is going somewhere' stuff - yeah, that's what I want to do. Hoping both of us won't fall for the other in the process, which at least from my end is pretty risky...

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There’s no way to do it if the guy is too passive... Even if you literally have to pull your boobs out and place his hand on your breast jhe’d probably just take it off and say oh pardon me you seem to have dropped your blouse let me put that back on for you

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Oh nooooo that's that. I swear guys that act that way are justt.... EVIL. It can't be anything else, right? Nobody in their right mind becomes a p*ssy-teaser or c*ck-teaser) without any desire for action.

 

Arghhhhhhh I think I should drop this one and get to another one who is not that much into cozy talking only but also... action. Although this guy is dropping sexual hints left and right, it's my retarded brain that I can't get myself to respond accordingly.

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