Open Relationship

[LoverOfDance]

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 and half months ago. We kept in touch after the break up and are now in an open relationship - we are not committed to each other and are both allowed to date others.

 

I haven't spoken to him in two weeks now and that's fine. When we talk though, he responds to my messages pretty quickly - usually within 5 mins or less. I take this to mean that he is respectful of my time. I think this is why we are still kind of together - I like the fact that he treats me with respect.

 

I was just wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do you think it is healthy to have this relationship with him after we had previously broken up?

[FilterCoffee]

My understanding of an open relationship is that the people involved are first and foremost committed to each other but are allowed to date others as well. Since there is no commitment, it sounds like he’s your fwb where both of you can discontinue the relationship, at any time, in favour of a more traditional one. Are you ok with that?

[LoverOfDance]

@filtercoffee Thanks for the reply. I don't think he would discontinue the relationship as he is kind of a "nice" guy. But he is passive and will pretty much sit there and let me take the wheel since i'm not someone he feels strongly about.

 

We both agreed that we are in an open relationship but I guess you can call it a fwb if that's what it seems like. I don't really care too much about the label. I've never been in this situation and I guess I'm just trying to make sure that i'm handling it in a way that is healthy for both myself and him.

[FilterCoffee]

I don't think he would discontinue the relationship as he is kind of a "nice" guy. But he is passive and will pretty much sit there and let me take the wheel since i'm not someone he feels strongly about.

 

Since he doesn’t feel strongly about you, he could end this arrangement when he does meet someone he wants to have a serious relationship with. That wouldn’t make him less “nice” in my opinion. I would be wary about getting too attached to him because if he does end it for some other woman, you could be devastated. In an ideal world, what kind of relationship you would like to have with him?

[LoverOfDance]

When I say "nice", I mean he usually tries not to hurt my feelings. He might never discontinue our relationship because he cares for me as a friend, I think and wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. But he is free to do whatever he wants - I told him this when we defined our relationship.

 

I would have liked for us to never have broken up. I wanted us to fall in love and be together. Now, I think he is more like a safety net. I'm trying to find the perfect man for me - one that is sure about me. He would be willing and ready to fall for me and would be willing and ready to catch me when I fall for him.

 

I'm looking for that man and my bf doesn't mind staying around while I try to find him and I think i'm ok with staying around while he tries to find his perfect girl.

[FilterCoffee]

When I say "nice", I mean he usually tries not to hurt my feelings. He might never discontinue our relationship because he cares for me as a friend, I think and wouldn't want to hurt my feelings.

 

Picture this, he meets someone he falls head over heels for. They date for a while and his new gf asks him about you. Being the nice guy that he is, he’s completely honest and tells her that the two of you were dating and that before he met her, you were his fwb. She gets uncomfortable and voices her concerns. He then decides to cut contact with you to show how serious he is about his new relationship. Do you think this above story is too farfetched? I don’t.

 

I'm looking for that man and my bf doesn't mind staying around while I try to find him and I think i'm ok with staying around while he tries to find his perfect girl.

If you can be this objective then I think things will be fine. However, it sounds like you’re looking for something more.

[LoverOfDance]

If he cuts contact, it would hurt but i'd be fine eventually. At least I would know why he was leaving. I had a 12 year friendship that ended without notice so I've experienced worse unfortunately. Life continues and everything ends up ok.

 

I'm not opposed to something more with him but to be honest, I'm not banking on it. This is why I'm dating others because I do believe that I deserve better and I believe I will find it.

Edited January 6, 2018 by LoverOfDance

[FilterCoffee]

Ok. Just keep this level of objectivity and things will be fine. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

[TunaInTheBrine]

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 and half months ago. We kept in touch after the break up and are now in an open relationship - we are not committed to each other and are both allowed to date others.

 

I haven't spoken to him in two weeks now and that's fine. When we talk though, he responds to my messages pretty quickly - usually within 5 mins or less. I take this to mean that he is respectful of my time. I think this is why we are still kind of together - I like the fact that he treats me with respect.

 

I was just wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do you think it is healthy to have this relationship with him after we had previously broken up?

 

Well, clearly you're questioning whether or not "this situation is healthy" by posting to us. So let's start there.

 

How genuinely interested are you in exploring non-monogamy? Forget the context of this guy for a minute. Is it something you feel is in your nature? Or is it just a "soft breakup" approach with your ex?

 

I'm no psychic, but I worry that this situation is going to require a lot of damage cleanup before too long. You both don't want to grieve the loss of the relationship just yet, despite signs of knowing that it's not working. At the same time, neither of you are comfortable being completely alone and so may be numbing the pain by being in an "open relationship" until you find others that are at least as good as each other.

 

I really can't speak for you, but just based on experience and what I've seen, this is what I'm thinking. I may not be spot on, but I'm somewhere in the ballpark I'm sure.

[Lorenza]

No, it doesn't sound healthy. Sounds like you still love him and have convinced yourself that a tiny bit of his attention is better than none. He has downgraded your relationship to a booty call and I disagree that he respects your time, as he would let you off his hook completely if he did. For all you know, he could be dating someone else telling them they're the one, while you call this an "open relationship".

 

I see this situation as very damaging to your self-worth and I'm pretty sure deep inside you feel this isn't right for you, hence posting this thread.

[LoverOfDance]

@TunaInTheBrine - I think you're right in some ways but not entirely. I did grieve the loss of our relationship. I cried for three days. I cried until there were no tears left to cry. I think the reason I am in this situation has a lot to do with me and not him. I'm not holding on to our relationship because it wasn't a good relationship. I'm glad it ended. I just wish it didn't have to be bad to begin with. I wish he knew what he had and I wish he valued it. He was the first guy I ever slept with. I trusted him with my body and heart but he didn't value either.

 

I think I am holding on to a "relationship" with him because it is the closest thing in my life right now to that thing that I really want - a REAL relationship. What I crave is a relationship with a man who truly values and loves me. A man who sees what is so special and beautiful about me just like I see how amazing and unique he is. My "bf" is definitely not that man.

 

@Lorenza - I think I've been in love before, I think. The man I loved was with someone else. I literally couldn't be anywhere near him because I couldn't stand the thought of him being in love with someone else while I was in love with him. Unrequited love is one of the most painful things you could ever experience. I don't think I really care if my "bf" is with someone else or not. If he is, good for him and I hope he is happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you didn't really want to break up and would still like to be together, I don't think this open arrangement will end well for you, OP.

 

It probably feels okay now because as far as you know, he's not dating or having sex with anyone else - yet. But unfortunately, the reality of these situations often offers a cold and painful wake-up call when it actually happens. I have seen this happen before with exes who feel they can handle it, only to find out that it hurts like hell when their former partner actually does begin to seriously date or regularly have sex with another person.

 

Do be careful moving forward. Open relationships work for some people, but in my experience, not really under these circumstances.

[morrowrd]

I think you're lying to yourself. He talks quickly not out of respect to you, it's because he's doing something more important. And he treats you "so well?" How is that? I can tell your not happy about an open relationship but those are the conditions you have to live with if you want any attention from this man. And the only attention you're going to get is when he wants sex. If you're ok with that arrangement, fine. Although it's obvious you aren't.

 

What exactly is it that you want out of a relationship? That's a question you need to ask yourself, and then patiently, deliberately, and carefully, explore other people. I'm old fashioned, but even still I think the majority of women out there, want a man who is into them, alone.

[Iseult]

Do you think it is healthy to have this relationship with him after we had previously broken up?

It would be helpful if you tell us what you think first. Then we can make judgements about you to give you appropriate supercilious advice.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 and half months ago. We kept in touch after the break up and are now in an open relationship - we are not committed to each other and are both allowed to date others.

 

I haven't spoken to him in two weeks now and that's fine. When we talk though, he responds to my messages pretty quickly - usually within 5 mins or less. I take this to mean that he is respectful of my time. I think this is why we are still kind of together - I like the fact that he treats me with respect.

 

I was just wondering what you guys think about this situation. Do you think it is healthy to have this relationship with him after we had previously broken up?

 

Wait, can you be in an open relationship with someone you are not in a relationship with?

[LoverOfDance]

@Iseult I'm not sure. This is why I'm asking to see what other ppl think.

 

 

I think he sees me more as a fwb now regardless of our definition of the relationship. I haven't slept with him since we broke up though. Don't think it would be healthy for me to do that.

[LoverOfDance]

@simpleNfit - lol, good question. Apparently we are in a "relationship". A special kind of relationship I guess.

 

I don't really care what the label is to be honest. I want him to stick around for as long as he can/wants. If he decides to disappear or leave my life, i'll let him and won't hold on.

[FilterCoffee]

I haven't slept with him since we broke up though. Don't think it would be healthy for me to do that.

 

Absolutely

[Lorenza]

@simpleNfit - lol, good question. Apparently we are in a "relationship". A special kind of relationship I guess.

 

I don't really care what the label is to be honest. I want him to stick around for as long as he can/wants. If he decides to disappear or leave my life, i'll let him and won't hold on.

 

Why do you assign such power to him? You let him do as he pleases like you're not in control of your life. Take control and cut it off.

[Iseult]

@Iseult I'm not sure. This is why I'm asking to see what other ppl think.

 

 

I think he sees me more as a fwb now regardless of our definition of the relationship. I haven't slept with him since we broke up though. Don't think it would be healthy for me to do that.

So you're an fwb without the b?

[LoverOfDance]

@Iseult Well, we've kissed and hung out since we broke up. Mostly because I love kisses, not because of feelings or anything. I just love kisses. I think i'm French deep down inside.

 

@Lorenza - hmm, your perspective is interesting. I don't feel like I've given him any real control in my life though.

[Iseult]

I think i'm French deep down inside.

That's perfect. It's customary in France for men to keep mistresses, so let your fwb do his thing and you can be his Madame de Pompadour.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Iseult
words

[smackie9]

So OP what do you truly get out of this that benefits you? Obviously there is some concern because you are here telling us about your situation. You having really come out and expressed any issues.

 

 

What I see is the slow let go. You can't completely cut him off and move on....why is that?

 

You are doing this because for the first time he respects you? And this is the price you pay to get that?

 

You say he doesn't control you....well he doesn't, you let it control you.

Edited January 6, 2018 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

@simpleNfit - lol, good question. Apparently we are in a "relationship". A special kind of relationship I guess.

 

I don't really care what the label is to be honest. I want him to stick around for as long as he can/wants. If he decides to disappear or leave my life, i'll let him and won't hold on.

 

And this is why I think reality is about to dump a bucket of ice water on your head, girl.

 

I have a feeling it's going to hurt you a lot more than you think when he does eventually move on.

[LoverOfDance]

@Smackie9 - Thanks for the reply. Although I don't quite understand the message and question. Could you please expatiate?

 

@ExpatInItaly - When we broke up, I was surprised at how much I cried. I've been hurt much worse than that before but still, I honestly didn't realize I liked him that much.

 

Now I don't feel very strongly about him though. Knowing that he doesn't feel strongly about me has caused my feelings for him to fade a lot. I don't think I really want him anymore. Not the way I did before at least. I believe that there's better for me out there.

 

He will definitely contact me again at some point to check up on me. Are you suggesting I cut him off and tell him that we shouldn't talk anymore?