Caught me off guard

[gcp]

Back story, I have been dating this girl for a little over a month. Things have been going great, a lot in common, laugh together all the time, and she seemed extremely interested and happy with being with me. Last week I sensed she was being a bit standoffish and asked if everything was ok. I received this text yesterday morning:

 

Hey ... first off, I hope you made it to work safely. (Roads were icy) Secondly, I’m really sorry you feel that way. It’s not that I’m uninterested, that’s not it at all. I think I’ve just had too much time to think, and I tend to overthink and get anxious... especially with relationships, given my past. I think maybe I just wasn’t expecting myself to really like someone so soon and it’s kinda scary. You have been pretty much perfect and I’ve been so enjoying my time spent with you. I just think maybe we are moving too fast or I dunno. I just need to figure my **** out I guess. I do still see a counselor and take medication for anxiety (something I don’t like to admit) and I’m not using that as an excuse but that is playing a small role in my overthinking. I’ve been trying to ignore it and act normal around you because you’re so great, but I’m struggling.

 

I told her I understand and that I really do like her a lot and want nothing more than to keep building on what we had/have. I also asked what “slowing down” was in her eyes so I could accommodate that. That was the last text I sent to her yesterday morning and I have heard nothing back yet. I’m going to give her her space but I have so many questions. Should I wait for her to reach out? Should I wait a few days and try to reach out? Did I get “dumped” lol. I’m so confused because she seemed SO into me then bam this happens and I’m pretty scared/bummed out. I don’t want it to end, she’s great.

[fred123]

move on. she aint interested. also u dont need her crap. find a girl without problems

dont ever actually read or believe her texts when u get a girl like this. trust me been there.

[alphamale]

yes, you got dumped

[Zahara]

If she can't handle relationships then she should not be dating. It's unfair to walk into someone's life and then soon enough throw the past/issues flag. I've been where you are and usually when the they start retreating and using "excuses" such as the past/issues, it's more often than not their way of exiting.

 

I would not contact her. It's only been a month and you're already having to deal with indecisive behavior. Let her come to you, and even then, tread carefully.

[smackie9]

I don't think you got dumped per say. Anxiety is a real thing, and it will stop someone in their tracks....they rather hide in their snail shell and not think about it. I believe this is what she is doing. Avoidance is normal reaction for people who suffer from anxiety.

 

Sounds like she has it bad, and it may take years or even never to control it.

 

I know people who have anxiety, and they are the flakiest. Always canceling on you, you don't hear from them like forever, then all of a sudden they want to be your best friend again. Hot and cold is what they are.

 

You told her you are willing to work with her, but that may not be enough. Just leave her alone and let her come to you. If nothing happens, walk away.

[lo3223]

Yeah, like smackie said, leave her be and if she comes to you sometime down the road; great, set up the next date.

 

I know you have many questions, but as unfortunate as her actions may be she doesn't really owe you any sort of further explanations. The only thing to do here is move on and learn from any potential mistakes you may have made. Were you needy at all? Were you texting back and forth nearly every day? Were you putting HER above your purpose and goals?

[gcp]

Yeah, like smackie said, leave her be and if she comes to you sometime down the road; great, set up the next date.

 

I know you have many questions, but as unfortunate as her actions may be she doesn't really owe you any sort of further explanations. The only thing to do here is move on and learn from any potential mistakes you may have made. Were you needy at all? Were you texting back and forth nearly every day? Were you putting HER above your purpose and goals?

 

Looking back maybe I was appearing needy, simply by wanting to see her as much as I could, but at the time she reciprocated so I thought all was cool. This could have lead to some anxiety on her end though. I feel terrible for being a source of anxiety

[smackie9]

You are not the source....she already has anxiety. She admitted she tried to hide it. This is something that she suffers from, you couldn't have done anything to prevent it from happening.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think this is a wordy way of saying, "It's not you, it's me...."

 

[gcp]

I think this is a wordy way of saying, "It's not you, it's me...."

 

 

Kinda what I was thinking, but I'll keep my line open incase she does just want some time to figure things out.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with snackid. I have anxiety and I’ve said a variation of this to countless guys after some dates and once when we were ‘bf/gf’. I guess it’s a thing that people with anxiety do when they feel trapped because I pretty much said it verbatim. If she really has anxiety, she’s probably beginning to feel too much discomfort for it to be worth continuing

 

The good news is I’m trying to figure out how to ask out one of the guys I said this to a quarter of a year later. The bad news is it’s prob over

Edited January 4, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[rushed]

I disagree with what most everyone else has advised you to do. I'd follow up with her if you really like her, which it sounds like you do. Just something simple like, "Hey just wanted to see how you're doing today."

 

I have really bad anxiety as well, and sometimes I don't text people back. And I always appreciate it when people make an effort to text me again (at least the people I like). And it does sound like she may like you. I understand people softening dumping others with "I like you but...". However, she texted "I just wasn’t expecting myself to really like someone so soon and it’s kinda scary." You don't say something that extreme to try to soften the blow.

 

Text her again, OP. It wouldn't hurt.

[gcp]

I disagree with what most everyone else has advised you to do. I'd follow up with her if you really like her, which it sounds like you do. Just something simple like, "Hey just wanted to see how you're doing today."

 

I have really bad anxiety as well, and sometimes I don't text people back. And I always appreciate it when people make an effort to text me again (at least the people I like). And it does sound like she may like you. I understand people softening dumping others with "I like you but...". However, she texted "I just wasn’t expecting myself to really like someone so soon and it’s kinda scary." You don't say something that extreme to try to soften the blow.

 

Text her again, OP. It wouldn't hurt.

 

My response to that text was about as long, I was honest and it was heartfelt. I kinda left it all out there for her and still haven't heard anything after 30hrs-ish? I might give her the weekend to feel things out, and see how she is doing Sunday or Monday if not to see if there is still a chance but just as a human being who cares about her well being.

[IReallyLovePuppies]

If you really like her.. fight for her - once.

Anymore than once and you'll just be seen as weak and needy.

 

Let her know you'll fight to keep get in your life but if she still doesn't appreciate it.. Move on.

 

I did know someone like her once.. spend a lot of time walking the beach and listening to her, but sadly, she got hooked into the bad boy bad crowd scene so I distanced myself..

[gcp]

Her response this morning: I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your text which I wish I didn’t read during class “she’s a teacher” ?? (I started to write back but forgot I didn’t finish sending it, so I thought you were mad at me). Anyway, you are so wonderful and I started liking you way more quickly than I ever have someone, seriously, which has been the cause of me overthinking and worrying. And then I start to have doubts and get scared I’m going to hurt myself again. That’s an issue I need to get over. and I’ve realized I need to be completely ready before I commit to anything further. Just wouldn’t be fair to you. Or me

[Chilli]

You got nothin to lose giving her a bit more time, she might be legit, never know.

See what happens over the next week or so but it's a dead duck if you don't end up at least talking and back on some kind of track by then.

[spiderowl]

Whether she really has anxiety or is gently pushing you away is hard to tell. I think your best course of action would be to back off a lot. Let her know that you like her a lot but you are not going to pressure her and feel she needs some time to herself. Tell her of your plans to do other things but be friendly and kind. Let her know you will look forward to hearing from her sometime.

 

I think she's feeling pressured, for whatever reason. She could like you but not be sure whether she's likely to fall in love with you. She could feel you want more than her at this point and she fears disappointing you if that is the case. I think taking any pressure off her would give her the freedom to miss you. If she feels you are not going to pounce on her the minute she gets in touch, she might feel more relaxed about that too.

 

Honestly, you don't need this shaky behaviour so it is in your best interests to let her sort herself out. You don't have to be there hanging around while she does so. Just make it clear you won't be pressuring her because that's not what you are about. Leave things on a friendly note then go and look to meet others. No point hanging around waiting for someone to make their mind up about you.

[gcp]

So Jan 5th was the last time I received a text from her, basically saying she started falling for me faster than anyone she has before, she started overthinking, mix in the anxiety, and she doesn't trust herself to put her heart out there yet. I tried for 5 days after that to talk to her about this, I don't think I was over zealous, I sent a few texts and tried to call a few times during the 5 day period. I just wanted a chance to at least talk over the phone and not text. She didn't respond to one of them.

 

BUT, I continued to just do me, do things with friends, family, my dog and as I usually do I put up instagram and snap chat stories, not all the time but a few here and there... and she is usually the first one to watch them.. everytime.

 

It could be nothing, but it is also a little confusing. I still really want to talk to her, but don't want to send any more texts or have anymore calls ignored.

[dumbass2]

I think she tried telling you in her subtle way, but you didn't take the hint, which is why she has ignored you. She broke up with you and my guess is that she was just trying to be nice and give you an excuse, hence throwing the anxiety in. To me, telling you that you were perfect after one month is a bad sign. If you were so perfect i doubt she would treat you like this. She didn't need to lay things on so thick. Don't allow for someone to continue to ignore you. It is the most rude and disrespectful thing a person you care about could do. Unless she is in a coma in the hospital, there is no good excuse.

 

Take a look at your actions early on with this girl and see if there is anything you might do different next time. Too fast? Smothering maybe? It could just be that you two aren't compatible and that's all it is. You may think you two are, but she doesn't. Don't contact her again because she knows how you feel and you've tried more than enough. If she wants to date you again or just talk to you again, she will, but if it was me with only a month vested, I'd be done and not want to deal with her again.