Jump to content

Woman who put their guards up


Cjaxrun85

Recommended Posts

Always or at least 90% of the time when I meet a woman she always puts her guard up during the initial dating stage. I always say or do the wrong thing when that happens and it never works out. How do you successfully navigate that issue?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Relax.

 

Most men want to try harder and “prove” to her that she has no reason to have her guard up. It tends to make the situation worse.

 

What you should do is carry yourself as if you are trustworthy and sincere - better yet BE trustworthy and sincere - while continuing to interact with her. Hold your own frame (confident, trustworthy, and sincere) regardless of what she may think about you. Once she sees she’s wrong about you, then she’ll relax also.

 

However, if you panic and start to try to prove yourself then you’ve lost her. You’re shaky, shady, and unstable. Only proves her suspicions to be right.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I guess some patterns I’ve noticed recently is this, it’ll be a month or so into it things are going good then all of a sudden she changes and says it’s because her ex boyfriend treated her badly and then she kind of starts treating me like crap out of nowhere. I would say that’s been the case with at least the last 5 woman that I’ve dated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd say those ladies are emotionally damaged in some way, and women like them should be recognized and avoided.

 

Recognized and avoided? Not necessarily. Kindness and understanding might do wonders.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine

Maybe they just lost interest?

 

I have my guard up and it's important to me the the guy is transparent, sincere, honest and consistent. Some of the concrete steps you can take:

 

1. Make a next date at the end of last date. Together with place, day and time.

 

2. Always do what you say you will do. Try to not reschedule unless there is genuine emergency and be very open about what it is.

 

3. If she asks about your social media, offer to add her immediately.

 

4. If she asks for a date on say Saturday, don't say "I can't on Saturday because I will be out and about". If you can't do it on the day she suggested, say what you are doing and don't be vague. "Out and about" means nothing.

 

5. Don't over compliment or love bomb early on. This is a classic player move and will put woman's guard up even higher.

 

6. Check in with her regularly, even just 1-2 texts a day is enough.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

Maybe they do have emotional issues from past relationships and while I feel for them, it's not an excuse to treat someone badly and not something I'd recommend a guy to take on. Plenty are willing, though. I think the most first step now is for you to identify why you are attracting (or attracted to) women like this and change it. Trying to fix isn't something I'd rec

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess some patterns I’ve noticed recently is this, it’ll be a month or so into it things are going good then all of a sudden she changes and says it’s because her ex boyfriend treated her badly and then she kind of starts treating me like crap out of nowhere. I would say that’s been the case with at least the last 5 woman that I’ve dated.

 

I figured it was something like this.

 

Here’s the deal: You’re not her ex.

 

When she starts treating you like you might turn out like her ex, that’s when you have to chill. Not let it shake you or bother you. Just keep being a rock solid guy and eventually she’ll realize ... you’re not her ex. Her fears are unfounded. Most women with any sense will start to treat you accordingly.

 

But, if you start acting squirrelly and start trying to prove yourself, the wall stays up. Relax and just BE a solid man.

 

What enigma said has merit too. Five broken women in a row? Maybe picking a woman without problems and issues with exes might be a good idea. Or at least one who has healed from her last relationship. That might help avoid some of these issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I reserve kindness and understanding for people who treat me with kindness and understanding. Not women who suddenly start treating me like crap after a month of dating because some other guy allegedly treated them poorly.

 

*nods*

 

It’s one of The 48 Laws of Power

 

Law 10 Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

 

It pays to keep people like that out of your life as much as possible. Definitely don’t want to keep choosing women who have a history of bad relationships.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Recognized and avoided? Not necessarily. Kindness and understanding might do wonders.

 

Nope. Do not allow yourself be treated by rubbish by someone else. Doesn't matter what their reasons are....it's never OK.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Retune your picker. Try and recognize what was the common denominator in all these ( except you lol ) women that you missed or chose to ignore early on.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Quoted for emphasis. I sadly have my guard up in the beginning stages, I can't help it. It's possibly what ended my last relationship. But the things below would have really helped. When I start to really like someone, I get worried. Worried that they don't like me back (or at least not enough), worried they'll leave me. It is rare that I like someone and when I do, I fall hard and it will take me a loooong time and a lot of pain to get over them. So if I like someone, I panic a little and want to pull out to protect myself from being hurt. Consistency and showing that I am liked helps a tonne. Showing you want to see me and like me is key to prove my irrational thoughts wrong.

 

In the early stages, once I start to feel something real, I pull back a little and panic internally. I do not start treating them badly. I recognise this in myself and try to push through. It's something I desperately need to get better at. BUT, my own issues are no reason to treat someone like crap. In what way do they do this?

 

Maybe they just lost interest?

 

I have my guard up and it's important to me the the guy is transparent, sincere, honest and consistent. Some of the concrete steps you can take:

 

1. Make a next date at the end of last date. Together with place, day and time.

 

2. Always do what you say you will do. Try to not reschedule unless there is genuine emergency and be very open about what it is.

 

3. If she asks about your social media, offer to add her immediately.

 

4. If she asks for a date on say Saturday, don't say "I can't on Saturday because I will be out and about". If you can't do it on the day she suggested, say what you are doing and don't be vague. "Out and about" means nothing.

 

5. Don't over compliment or love bomb early on. This is a classic player move and will put woman's guard up even higher.

 

6. Check in with her regularly, even just 1-2 texts a day is enough.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The initial stage is the HM stage. It should flow easily & be fun after the 1st few awkward dates. Once people are pulling back or blaming their EXs just cut to the chase: it's not working & it's time to move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Nope. Do not allow yourself be treated by rubbish by someone else. Doesn't matter what their reasons are....it's never OK.

 

See but this is a totally different thing the OP is referring to... he's talking about women who always initially 'have their guard up' ... that is not the same thing as treating someone like garbage.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah true I agree have to have some self respect and just move on. Me personally I can honestly say I’ve never had a good relationship and I’m 32. It’s always some kind of excuse in the beginning why the girl treats me crappy (usually the excuse is their ex bf cheated on them.) Dummy me I put up with it and it never works out anyways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey man, I know this situation all too well. Usually the girls with the high guards use this as a cop out excuse..

 

I'll tell you this much, every girl that I've dated that put a high guard up (at least 50% of them) and admitted it to me were usually mental. Usually just an excuse because her feelings weren't clear to her-whether she's into you or not, or they were ALSO interested in other person.

 

Unless she's been through something extremely dramatic, no excuse really..

Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

They probably have issues from past relationships - either friendships or romantic ones. It's not your fault, keep in mind, you just met this person and it has nothing to do with you.

 

Solutions? I wish I could give you one but unfortunately I don't have it. All you can do in such situations are be the best you can be for them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess some patterns I’ve noticed recently is this, it’ll be a month or so into it things are going good then all of a sudden she changes and says it’s because her ex boyfriend treated her badly and then she kind of starts treating me like crap out of nowhere. I would say that’s been the case with at least the last 5 woman that I’ve dated.

 

This isn't about having guards up--this is about not being emotionally done with their ex.

 

You're at that point in all new relationships where the representatives who are on their best behavior are dismissed and the real you and the real her (them) come to the fore----and THAT is the real person, not that being who has been saying/doing the right thing for the last 3-6 weeks.

 

Anytime you're that new in an involvement and someone mentions anything about their ex and their behavior changes, that means they're still stuck on the ex, in whatever twisted way, and they're battling within themselves because you can't flip into that other person and that's why they're mad at you and start treating you like crap.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd say those ladies are emotionally damaged in some way, and women like them should be recognized and avoided.

 

agreed

 

ten characters

Link to post
Share on other sites
Recognized and avoided? Not necessarily. Kindness and understanding might do wonders.

 

Not with broken/damaged, fragmented people and especially not with people who are incapable of reciprocating and don't think they have a problem. That's just nuts. I'm not here to be anyone's emotional punching bag just because they refuse to get a grip on themselves.

 

Therapy is what they need.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Always or at least 90% of the time when I meet a woman she always puts her guard up during the initial dating stage. I always say or do the wrong thing when that happens and it never works out. How do you successfully navigate that issue?

 

It might be you who is damaged if you keep attracting these types.

Edited by Fair
Link to post
Share on other sites

In fact, if you were a woman coming here with these concerns everyone would have been pointing at you right from the start saying you're the one with the issues.. that you need therapy to stop yourself from going for these types, and nevermind about the other...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess some patterns I’ve noticed recently is this, it’ll be a month or so into it things are going good then all of a sudden she changes and says it’s because her ex boyfriend treated her badly and then she kind of starts treating me like crap out of nowhere. I would say that’s been the case with at least the last 5 woman that I’ve dated.

 

Can you define treating you like crap?

 

As a woman who as been in an abusive relationship, I can say that when a woman starts to trust, that's when our "stuff" comes out.

 

Also, it may be going well according to you, but you might be doing things without realizing it that trigger her or remind her of her ex.

 

There are many abusive men. The statistics are shockingly high of the amount of women who will be in an abusive relationship at one point or another in her life.

 

So, I think it's wise to have guards up. If she's being dishonest, that's a whole other story. But if she genuinely has a traumatic past and has her guards up because of it, she just needs time and reassurance.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It could be that they are losing interest. Relationships tend to have lifetimes: some last for a few days, some a few weeks, some months and others for many years. When you go into a relationship, you have no idea how long it will last. It sounds like you are getting involved with women who are not sure from the start. If that is the case, as soon as you start to seem more involved than them, they will panic and start backing out. They do not want to feel trapped because they are not sure about you.

 

If you start sensing this backing out, then back off yourself. Give them space. Let them miss you. Take any sense of pressure off. I go through a long period of not being sure with anyone. It takes me time to trust, to feel at ease with someone, so if they start pushing for a committed relationship, I feel it's getting out of control and try to opt out. You may find that simply taking pressure off and spending more time on your hobbies will help. If a woman feels she can contact you and spend time with you, without you assuming she is your girlfriend from the start, then she may relax and allow herself to get to know you better.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...