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Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?


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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:04 AM   #46
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Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

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Originally Posted by bachdude View Post
OP, you are softening. Donít do it! Do you want your daughter to grow up with such a disfunctional man?

He canít even keep the drama behind closed doors away from the kids. If he has issues regarding how you handle things, then he needs to keep it to himself in front of the kids and bring it up with you when you two are alone.

You sound like you have your life well put together. Why invite such disfunction into it? Your daughter will pay the biggest price.
Yes you are right which is why I'm glad I am strong enough to keep my distance and have zero contact for the last 3 days. It has given me a chance to really think seriously about all this and although I do love him it's not the right reason to stay with him. I will be very honest here when I say that since getting back together with 3 weeks ago it just hasn't felt the same for me this time sadly. I feel like something is missing like the bond is not as strong on my end and the intensity of my desire to want to be with him is lacking somewhat and it's for this very reason I have not bothered contacting him since he went home, I love him but it's just not like it was when we first get together 10 months ago. You could probably say that the glass now has a crack in it and it can never be the same. Makes me sad because he admitted that he realises just how much he loves me this time round.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:08 AM   #47
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Lou1973,

You yourself said ;

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and we have had very different upbringings so there are certain areas where we clash because our values and morals can differ and unfortunately that creates a certain amount of incompatibility if your looking overall at the bigger picture. That does concern me...
Yoiu are trying to build a relatiosnhip with a alchoholic who has only been "dry" for 4 weeks (that you know of).

Most AA groups recommend that attendees don't get any relationship until they have been sober for a year.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:19 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by Lou1973 View Post
Yes you are right which is why I'm glad I am strong enough to keep my distance and have zero contact for the last 3 days. It has given me a chance to really think seriously about all this and although I do love him it's not the right reason to stay with him. I will be very honest here when I say that since getting back together with 3 weeks ago it just hasn't felt the same for me this time sadly. I feel like something is missing like the bond is not as strong on my end and the intensity of my desire to want to be with him is lacking somewhat and it's for this very reason I have not bothered contacting him since he went home, I love him but it's just not like it was when we first get together 10 months ago. You could probably say that the glass now has a crack in it and it can never be the same. Makes me sad because he admitted that he realises just how much he loves me this time round.
Stay strong, OP!

Imagine living with his behavior on a daily basis. Now imagine if he starts hitting the bottle again on top of everything else. If he has an anger problem now, imagine when he is drunk! Will he hit your daughter? Youíll wish you had the power to turn back the clock.

Right now, thank goodness, itís all a hypothetical. Keep,it that way, OP!
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:29 AM   #49
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Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

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Originally Posted by bachdude View Post
Stay strong, OP!

Imagine living with his behavior on a daily basis. Now imagine if he starts hitting the bottle again on top of everything else. If he has an anger problem now, imagine when he is drunk! Will he hit your daughter? Youíll wish you had the power to turn back the clock.

Right now, thank goodness, itís all a hypothetical. Keep,it that way, OP!
Well yes it seems you are right
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:33 AM   #50
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Many alcoholics also have anger issues: the two are interrelated. You shouldn't have gotten back with him until he's been sober for a few months at least. Such drama is exactly the reason people always advise against mingling your children until you're sure the relationship would be long term. I bet a lot of the stuff happen in front of these 3 innocent small kids, who probably have to endure the trauma of their parents divorce.

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He did not drink or smoke in the house around my daughter. He was doing most of his drinking behind my back, I had no idea he had this issue going on until the end when his behaviour and priorities started changing. In the end I confronted him, asked him a bunch of questions and then ended things. I certainly wouldn't want that going on in my daughters life so I am a good role model for my child. She can see that I stand up for myself and don't take any bull****.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:32 AM   #51
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I did not read all your prior posts or all of the comments on this one. But assuming your description is accurate, get the hell away from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:17 PM   #52
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Just because he isn't actively drinking or smoking in front of your daughter or you, doesn't mean he's changed. He's going to act the same way he always has using angry abusive behavior to deal with his emotions. Until he learns proper coping mechanisms, other than using substance abuse to numb himself from emotions, he can stay "sober" forever but nothing will have changed.

You're caught up in a vicious cycle. When things are good, he's amazing and loving. But when he's triggered, he's an abusive ass. You're going to hang in the there until the next "good" cycle because the happy feelings are a drug for you.

Save yourself and your daughter while you still can.

Last edited by 1fish2fish; 2nd January 2018 at 1:22 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:24 PM   #53
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I found out he has been hiding a drinking problem from me which was in my eyes the same as lying to me. It had been affecting our relationship and I broke up with him.

He has been genuinely trying to turn things around and I have been supportive of that. He attends AA meetings twice a week, has also quit smoking and making healthier choices, hasn't touched a drop of alcohol for 4 weeks. He has been trying. Was doing so well in the relationship overall for the last 3 weeks until this issue on Sat evening..
Oh, it's way too soon to expect an alcoholic to turn their lives around and be living consistently as a sober person. He needs at least a year before he's of any good to you.

It's clear that you are trying to find some magic pill recipe to cook up for him to flip him into someone he's not interested in being for you right now, but that recipe doesn't exist. He's choosing booze over you and that mistress doesn't let go easily. Your best bet is to just leave him alone and let him hit his own bottom and start his climb back out of it. He will only resent you for trying to help him. Leave him be to figure his way out of this. In the meantime, focus on raising your daughter and don't bring men with issues around her anymore.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:41 PM   #54
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Yes I understand where you are coming from but lotsvof couples argue with some raised voices and swearing, I'm not saying that's acceptable and personally I don't like it but it happens from time to time. I guess it it was happening all the time frequently then it may be time to hit the road Jack.
Just because a lot of couples argue with some raised voices and swearing doesn't make it right.
My boyfriend and me fight too, but we never raise our voices against each other and we don't swear at each other.

It's a thing called mutual respect.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:04 PM   #55
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He left early Sunday morning with his kids blurting out as he was leaving that I'm not exactly perfect myself and I have not heard from him since. He hasn't tried to apologise or to wish me a Happy New Year.

I'm not actually going to be the one to reach out or make the first move this time. I'm leaving things as they are. I'm happy with life, have my daughter, have a job, have friends, am strong and independent and have holidays booked and weekends and activities on the go all the time, basically I don't need him, I'm happy from within myself and there my friend lies the danger for him!!
Manipulative behavior. Trying to make you come to him and apologize for something that was perfectly reasonable... he clearly has no class and doesn't care for your feelings. Lame.

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Having no contact with him the last 2 days is definitely making me question whether I should just let him to for good. We have other issues too, not sure if you have been the other thread I posted earlier. Its about his carry on with his kids using my childs toys. Both arguments he picked with me at the same time on Sat afternoon.

This one here on this thread was because I pulled him up on leaving his 5 yr old in the car asleep after we got back from an outing with no windows or doors open. He told me not to lecture him and got into this mood and behavior as I've described.
He cannot handle criticism. If he shouts at you and curses at you in situations in which he is criticized, it shows that he is unable to self-reflect and take responsibility. The man is not a man, he is a child, he's not a grown up! You are better off without him. As someone else here said, abuse shows up gradually...I have been there myself. Don't give in to it. Walk away.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:27 PM   #56
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Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that on his weekends with his kids, he spends time with the (relatively) new girlfriend??? It's like he's forcing things into a pseudo family role. Rather than spend the weekend he has his kids alone with them and his weekends he doesn't with the OP, like most people do. idk, I don't like it. Seems like he is using the oP to an extent or her place etc.

Also agree with basil--parenting styles don't go together. And frankly his suck if the kid is such a terror breaking toys etc. I knew one boy close to my age who would do the same thing growing up--purposely break toys to cause trauma to the other kids and he turned into a complete and utter nightmare of a person. Idk but i think there's a little bit of sociopathy there and the lack of discipline at this stage does not make it look promising.

ugh, i'd probably break up with the guy over this. sorry, just the way i see it.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:46 PM   #57
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Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Oh, it's way too soon to expect an alcoholic to turn their lives around and be living consistently as a sober person. He needs at least a year before he's of any good to you.

It's clear that you are trying to find some magic pill recipe to cook up for him to flip him into someone he's not interested in being for you right now, but that recipe doesn't exist. He's choosing booze over you and that mistress doesn't let go easily. Your best bet is to just leave him alone and let him hit his own bottom and start his climb back out of it. He will only resent you for trying to help him. Leave him be to figure his way out of this. In the meantime, focus on raising your daughter and don't bring men with issues around her anymore.
He hit rock bottom about 6 weeks ago and while we were broken up he was at the lowest point but then he stopped and then reached out so that's when we chatted, I asked him everything I could think of about his past, history with drinking and other things, he was ashamed but answered honestly and was very open and honest. He said that with my support he would do everything to get through this, he would attend AA meetings, change other poor health habits and so far he has stayed true to his word. He did say the following when I texted about his behaviour after his outburst:

(I gave you a heads up about nicotine withdrawal and how it might affect me. Yes I overreacted and I'm sorry for swearing at you. I was out of line. I hate being lectured. And I didn't like the way you did this. I wasn't planning on having a fight with you. I just couldn't calm down quickly. I feel hurt the way you think of my kids. So OK I can leave tomorrow if that's what you want.)

I understand that can cause a little irritability and moodiness but I think the way he was behaving was a little extreme in my opinion... Can't blame the withdrawal for everything, he knew what he was doing when he told me to **** off in my own home of all places, he knew what he was doing when he chose to sleep in the other room, he was choosing to keep things going, he was choosing to fight
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:49 PM   #58
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He hit rock bottom about 6 weeks ago and while we were broken up he was at the lowest point but then he stopped and then reached out so that's when we chatted, I asked him everything I could think of about his past, history with drinking and other things, he was ashamed but answered honestly and was very open and honest. He said that with my support he would do everything to get through this, he would attend AA meetings, change other poor health habits and so far he has stayed true to his word. He did say the following when I texted about his behaviour after his outburst:

(I gave you a heads up about nicotine withdrawal and how it might affect me. Yes I overreacted and I'm sorry for swearing at you. I was out of line. I hate being lectured. And I didn't like the way you did this. I wasn't planning on having a fight with you. I just couldn't calm down quickly. I feel hurt the way you think of my kids. So OK I can leave tomorrow if that's what you want.)

I understand that can cause a little irritability and moodiness but I think the way he was behaving was a little extreme in my opinion... Can't blame the withdrawal for everything, he knew what he was doing when he told me to **** off in my own home of all places, he knew what he was doing when he chose to sleep in the other room, he was choosing to keep things going, he was choosing to fight
sorry i need to read the entire thread. but on this alone, i will say, why are you letting someone like this around your daughter? not good, sorry
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:57 PM   #59
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Would you have asked your boyfriend/girlfriend to leave in this situation?

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Manipulative behavior. Trying to make you come to him and apologize for something that was perfectly reasonable... he clearly has no class and doesn't care for your feelings. Lame.



He cannot handle criticism. If he shouts at you and curses at you in situations in which he is criticized, it shows that he is unable to self-reflect and take responsibility. The man is not a man, he is a child, he's not a grown up! You are better off without him. As someone else here said, abuse shows up gradually...I have been there myself. Don't give in to it. Walk away.
Yes well we have just gone in to Day 4 and still no word from him. However we are still on each others Facebook and so he is very active with his phone. He is on holidays for another week from work. I've never seen him actually posting so much as in the last few days, its almost as if he is seeking some sort of attention. Don't worry I haven't clicked like on any of his posts. I see a meme on there that was obviously a dig at me, it said: "People will bring up the **** you did wrong, nothing you did right and none of the **** they did"

Unbelievable. I have no intention of contacting him.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:58 PM   #60
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No there is no large salary gap between us. We earn roughly the same.

I just think he believes that because we are in a relationship that his kids are entitled to my daughters toys and maybe he believes we should share everything and usually I do but as far as I'm concerned my daughter comes first over his children any day and there are just some things that should be only for her, I know that sounds not so nice but it is what it is, goodness what next, will I have to be sharing her god dam clothes out....
Nobody's kids really share toys. This is why siblings beat the crap out of each other. Kids should have their own toys or at least have the discretion to share only if they want to, especially to some little stinker who's only going to break it. I got so mad at my mom when her sister and 7 girls were visiting. Those spoiled girls had a rich dad and nothing meant anything to them. I had very few things of my own, some china horses, a couple of books and some comics. These little jerks were in there breaking my china horses to amuse themselves, and my mother didn't have spine enough to stop them. Grrrrr.
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