Back_Again Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 So the guy I have been seeing bailed on our NYE plans yesterday (Saturday). We had made these plans a month ago (he asked), and up until Friday we were good to go. Then last night he told me he had to bail and invoked an unpredicted situation with his teenage kids. Claimed they wanted to go to a friend's party and no longer wanted to stick with the original plan they had made with other relatives. Not knowing the friend's parents he didn't want to let them go to that party, so they ended up staying home so he wasn't going to have the house to himself. I have caught him in lies in the past, not earth shattering lies but lies nonetheless. Since we are not in a relationship, I am now paranoid that some other woman may have become suddenly available and he chose to spend NYE with her. He claims he is not dating anyone else, but his word is all I have. Now if his reasons for bailing are true, I can't be too mad because I guess $hit happens. But if he chose to spend NYE with someone else and sprung it on me last minute, then I would never talk to him again. The trouble is, I have no way to find out, and surely he would never admit it. I do find it hard to believe that if there was another woman he would have made plans with her last minute, surely they would have planned it more in advance, but who knows? So what do I do? I don't know what to believe, how to act. If I act upset and his situation is true, I would look unreasonable. But I don't want to be taken for a fool either... What would you guys do? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 (edited) Wonder why he didn't just make the kids stick to the original plan and go to the relatives. Call him around 9 or 9:30 and see what he's up to maybe? Edited January 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 Look, if he's got kids, that's going to be the reason plans get destroyed 99 percent of the time. Now, me, I'd be sore he let them mess up his long-planned date, but I wouldn't be afraid he was cheating or something like that. Have you not meet the kids yet? If he had to stay home, why wouldn't he have invited you over instead and made a night of it there? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 (edited) <snip> I have caught him in lies in the past, not earth shattering lies but lies nonetheless. Since we are not in a relationship, I am now paranoid that some other woman may have become suddenly available and he chose to spend NYE with her. He claims he is not dating anyone else, but his word is all I have. Now if his reasons for bailing are true, I can't be too mad because I guess $hit happens. But if he chose to spend NYE with someone else and sprung it on me last minute, then I would never talk to him again. The trouble is, I have no way to find out, and surely he would never admit it. I do find it hard to believe that if there was another woman he would have made plans with her last minute, surely they would have planned it more in advance, but who knows? So what do I do? I don't know what to believe, how to act. If I act upset and his situation is true, I would look unreasonable. But I don't want to be taken for a fool either... What would you guys do? Exactly. His words should be all you need. But he has proven himself to be untrustworthy in the past. You don't trust this guy, so it's a bad idea to try to have a serious relationship with him. Edited January 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 yeah call him up at 11:59 to wish him a happy new years! No reason not to, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Wonder why he didn't just make the kids stick to the original plan and go to the relatives. Call him around 9 or 9:30 and see what he's up to maybe? I wonder too... I never had kids so I have no experience with this, but I am thinking it's difficult to make 16/17 year old teenagers do things? He's made it clear from day one that he is not comfortable with the kids knowing he was dating, and he never calls me when they are at home, only when they are out with friends. So calling him was not an option, since he made it seem like the kids stayed in the whole night. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 As you say you are not in a relationship so why are you making this guy the centre of your world? Stop it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 This is why you don't date liars. Once you catch them in their lies, you don't believe anything else they have to say. Best to just move on from this guy and find someone that will be honest with you. Less headaches. Yes, this couldn't be more true... But since i don't know if he lied, I wouldn't want to end things over potentially nothing, things are pretty good right now with us. On Saturday when he sprung the news on me, I actually asked him point blank if there was anyone else, and he spent some time trying to convince me there wasn't, and that he was not the type. I am aware no guy in his right mind would say "you're right, I got a better offer so I am bailing on you last minute" though. This is why it's so tough. Also, he didn't bother texting me last night, not even at midnight to wish me a happy new year, which would definitely point towards him being with someone else. But if I asked, he would probably tell me he was pissed with the situation and went to sleep early, and what could I say to that? Omg I never thought he would put me in this impossible situation, where I simply don't know what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Look, if he's got kids, that's going to be the reason plans get destroyed 99 percent of the time. Now, me, I'd be sore he let them mess up his long-planned date, but I wouldn't be afraid he was cheating or something like that. Have you not meet the kids yet? If he had to stay home, why wouldn't he have invited you over instead and made a night of it there? He has always told me no woman he has dated has ever met his kids. He has always kept his dating life away from the kids, so I will never meet them. I am ok with that, I am not a kid person anyway so I'm awkward around them. The only time I get to go to his house is when they are out. Our plan was to hang out at his house, but since they stayed in, this was no longer possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Exactly. His words should be all you need. But he has proven himself to be untrustworthy in the past. You don't trust this guy, so it's a bad idea to try to have a serious relationship with him. I'm starting to realize this. I didn't expect him to bail on me, so I am now unprepared as to what to do. I thought things were going well, and he did spend time on Saturday trying to convince me there was nobody else in his life. I don't know if my doubts come from my own paranoia or it's my gut feeling telling me this was a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 yeah call him up at 11:59 to wish him a happy new years! No reason not to, right? We never talk on the phone when the kids are home, this was the agreement from day one. So I couldn't have called. However I was hoping he'd text at midnight, he didn't. I guess this also points towards him being with someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 As you say you are not in a relationship so why are you making this guy the centre of your world? Stop it. But he bailed on me last minute! If he knew he wanted to spend NYE with someone else, why not give me more of an advance notice so I could make other plans? It was extremely rude of him, if that was the case. But if he said the truth, then it would be more forgivable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 But the question still remains...what do I do? I am now relatively sure he spent NYE with someone else, because he didn't text me at all after 6 pm, nor did he message at midnight to wish me a happy new year. But...I don't have any way of knowing for sure. I can't accuse him to his face without proof, or I will look insane. I would really appreciate it if you guys could tell me how would each and every one of you handle it when he reaches out, today or whenever? He will probably say he went to bed before 12. Would you act as if you believed him and go on as normal? Would you be polite but will start distancing yourself? Would you just ignore his calls/messages? Please help, I don't know what to do here... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 I'd ignore him. Even if he didn't cheat he still blew you off at the last minute and owes you an apology. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 You sound way too invested for a "non-relationship". Why are you seeing someone who's making you paranoid, as you say yourself? If you're unhappy about being on different levels, you should end it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 I'd ignore him. Even if he didn't cheat he still blew you off at the last minute and owes you an apology. He apologized when he blew me off, and said he'd make it up to me. But it doesn't really make me feel any better, because if he did choose someone else, it means he doesn't see me as important in his life, at least not as important as her, and that he doesn't respect me enough to at least give me more notice so I can make other plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 You sound way too invested for a "non-relationship". Why are you seeing someone who's making you paranoid, as you say yourself? If you're unhappy about being on different levels, you should end it. I was happy with things up until NYE... but if my suspicions are true, then clearly I would need to end it. I don't want to end it based solely on suspicions though, if that makes sense. Should I wait and see what he does next, while distancing myself from him? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 He apologized when he blew me off, and said he'd make it up to me. But it doesn't really make me feel any better, because if he did choose someone else, it means he doesn't see me as important in his life, at least not as important as her, and that he doesn't respect me enough to at least give me more notice so I can make other plans. If he apologized for it then you can't really hold it against him that he had to take care of his kids. I think you're looking for a reason to be mad at him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 If he apologized for it then you can't really hold it against him that he had to take care of his kids. I think you're looking for a reason to be mad at him. I really don't want to be mad at him, I wish this NYE thing didn't happen...things were going well before this. And you're right, if he did have to tend to the kids situation then I can't hold it against him....but what about the lack of text at midnight? Wouldn't that imply that he was busy with someone else? If he was stuck at home with the kids, surely he would have kept in touch more through the night? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 I really don't want to be mad at him, I wish this NYE thing didn't happen...things were going well before this. And you're right, if he did have to tend to the kids situation then I can't hold it against him....but what about the lack of text at midnight? Wouldn't that imply that he was busy with someone else? If he was stuck at home with the kids, surely he would have kept in touch more through the night? Maybe he fell asleep before midnight and thought you'd be busy with other plans. Like I said, you're looking to be mad at him. Wait to hear from him and see how he acts towards you before getting yourself all worked up about it. If he seems sincere and genuinely wants to make it up to you let him but if you continue to feel disrespected by him trust your gut and bail. But stewing in your own thoughts isn't doing you much good right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 Maybe he fell asleep before midnight and thought you'd be busy with other plans. Like I said, you're looking to be mad at him. Wait to hear from him and see how he acts towards you before getting yourself all worked up about it. If he seems sincere and genuinely wants to make it up to you let him but if you continue to feel disrespected by him trust your gut and bail. But stewing in your own thoughts isn't doing you much good right now. You're absolutely right.... and yes, I'm sure he will say he fell asleep before 12 (he's always claimed he's not big on NYE). I will follow your advice and see what happens...getting this worked up about a scenario that is all in my head isn't doing me much good, indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 He apologized when he blew me off, and said he'd make it up to me. But it doesn't really make me feel any better, because if he did choose someone else, it means he doesn't see me as important in his life, at least not as important as her, and that he doesn't respect me enough to at least give me more notice so I can make other plans. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, you are already not that important in his life. He probably doesn't want you making any plans, he wants you sitting waiting for him to pick up when he feels like it. I get the "We are not in a relationship" thing. It works for some but you were in a relationship with this guy and he cooled things off. You need to get out of this. Yes, that's a big part of my fascination with him i guess. He's not a "bad boy" per se, but he is emotionally unavailable and relatively upfront about it, but I assume most women think they can change that, given the chance. Unlike the other women, I didn't think I could change him because I've known him for many years, enough to know he would never change. But when we got close emotionally (or so I thought), I truly hoped he would at the very least appreciate me enough not to let me go. I hoped he cared, even if I knew he didn't love me and never would. I hoped he was emotionally attached to me. But unfortunately, he is unable to get attached to anyone. People are just pawns, that he uses as long as he needs them and how he needs them, only to discard them when they become no longer useful. This is just the way he is. You would never guess it at first sight, as he seems very pleasant and kind and warm...but give him a few months and oh boy, are you in for a surprise! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 elaine567 would make an excellent PI 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back_Again Posted January 1, 2018 Author Share Posted January 1, 2018 If he doesn't want a relationship with you, you are already not that important in his life. He probably doesn't want you making any plans, he wants you sitting waiting for him to pick up when he feels like it. I get the "We are not in a relationship" thing. It works for some but you were in a relationship with this guy and he cooled things off. You need to get out of this. He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not only me...and since I am not looking for a traditional relationship myself, this was ok with me because in spite of not being in a relationship, he has been paying me lots of attention, spent Xmas with me, and things were better than before he "cooled things off". He actually seemed like he was putting in an effort. I was confident things were improving and there was nobody else in his life, as he wanted to spend both Holidays with me...and now I don't know anymore. What happened threw me off completely, I didn't expect him to do this. I mean, why make plans with me if he wanted to spend NYE with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 So the kids are 16/17 and they can't go to a party but have to stay home with dad, who goes to bed before midnight and can't so much as call or text you? Are they standing guard over him? None of this adds up for me, including your willingness to be in the non-relationship. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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