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Need guidance with my situation :)


AussieGuy2018

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AussieGuy2018

Hi all,

 

First time poster on these forums that clearly help a lot of people and I am pretty desperate for some advice because I’m so lost right now.

 

I have been single for 9 months and I meet this great girl out one night about 5-6 weeks ago. We hit it off straightaway and we have either spoke on the phone or texted everyday all day since...until the last couple of days.

 

This girl was moving a lot quicker than me with her feelings and she told me a few times and was quite obvious how much she liked me. I acknowledged her feelings, but I didn’t give a lot back. I thought my actions of going on a few dates and talking everyday showed that I was reciprocating, although a little slower.

 

I was hurt pretty badly in my last relationship with lies and judgement etc etc and this is he first girl I’ve liked since that relationship. This is the reason why I was taking it slow to make sure if I was going to jump in, that I was sure it was right thing to do. I was pretty much a closed book and although she tried to get me to open up, I just didn’t know how even though I wanted to. I didn’t show her a lot of affection, but I was getting to that point and she has taken that I am not that interested. I’ve made a few mistakes here I know.

 

Over the last couple of days I have told her how I feel about her as I thought she was getting quite frustrated. Although I have told her how I feel, she said it’s probably too late and that she has now shut down and finished it off with “I don’t think we are compatible”. I disagree and I don’t believe her when she says that because we are very compatible and I don’t believe her feelings can do a 180 so quickly.

 

I said to her that I have to accept her decision and I will try to leave her be in the hope that I would hear from her again in a few days. That hasn’t happened and I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her and I’ve left my run so to speak to late in reciprocating feelings. The thing that is hurting to is that if she hasn’t given me the opportunity to explain why I’ve been closed, she might understand me a little more. She said she’s been waiting from the start and now it’s too late.

 

For 3-4 straight days I’ve played so many situations and possible things I could say to her through my mind, should I contact her or just wait for her (if I hear from her at all)...just really lost on what to do?? A friend said to wait to see if she contacts me, another said if I like her what have I got to lose and fight for her. She has been checking my Instagram stories and she has been posting more than usual too, but unsure if this means anything either?

 

Any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated. I think the only thing we aren’t compatible in is the speed in which our feelings were moving and I can certainly understand why she got frustrated and it’s now at this point. I want to open up to her because I think it is something that can develop into something.

 

Look forward to hearing from you in guiding my through this :)

 

Cheers!!

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What led up to this? Did she gradually pull away? Or did she suddenly tell you it's over? Men are often the last to know something is wrong. It doesn't mean she no longer has feelings for you.

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AussieGuy2018
What led up to this? Did she gradually pull away? Or did she suddenly tell you it's over? Men are often the last to know something is wrong. It doesn't mean she no longer has feelings for you.

 

Hey Maggie, thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

It was pretty sudden, over two or so days. We had went on a date and I started to really feel her frustration after the date when she started texting me asking questions, Day later she told me it was too late and we aren’t compatible.

 

About 5 days before she said it’s too late, she was pretty blunt about how she felt and asked me straight up how I did and I didn’t give her a direct answer and wish I could change that somehow but can’t. I said I wouldn’t be going on dates with you if I wasn’t interested, but guess she was looking for more than that.

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I think the fact that she has been checking your Instagram and been posting more recently may suggest that she's expecting something from you. I would say fight for her, and explain why you didn't open up. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say.

 

If that doesn't work, then leave her be for good, and don't contact her.

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How old is she because it's pretty common with women as they don't wanna waste time or get hurt for that matter if the guy is iffy ,especially as they get older.

 

My gf , 48 , pretty well gave up and did a complete about face on us bc she'd said 100 times l was too hold backish and l'm pretty sure that was the reason for a lot of her crap too , not all of it but a lot of it.

 

Anyway , if that is what it is ,you can still get her back but you'll have to convince her of what she really needs to know.

 

Good luck and don't lose her if that's all it was because you do feel the same anyway by the sounds.

Good luck

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AussieGuy2018
I think the fact that she has been checking your Instagram and been posting more recently may suggest that she's expecting something from you. I would say fight for her, and explain why you didn't open up. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say.

 

If that doesn't work, then leave her be for good, and don't contact her.

 

 

Thanks The Only One...I still think she has feelings for me but I’m worried she believes we aren’t compatible. I really thought I’d hear from her so it’s thrown me a bit.

 

How do you fight for a girl? Last thing I want to do is contact her and put her off more. I think I’ll leave it another 2-3 days and then give her a call. Hopefully by then she might have calmed down a little and willing to listen.

 

Why is dating so hard haha!

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AussieGuy2018
How old is she because it's pretty common with women as they don't wanna waste time or get hurt for that matter if the guy is iffy ,especially as they get older.

 

My gf , 48 , pretty well gave up and did a complete about face on us bc she'd said 100 times l was too hold backish and l'm pretty sure that was the reason for a lot of her crap too , not all of it but a lot of it.

 

Anyway , if that is what it is ,you can still get her back but you'll have to convince her of what she really needs to know.

 

Good luck and don't lose her if that's all it was because you do feel the same anyway by the sounds.

Good luck

 

 

Cheers Chilli. She is 33 so what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I’ll leave it a couple of more days and give her a call. I’ll definitely fight but just have to figure out the right way to go about it. When I wanted to tell her why I was closed off, she didn’t want to hear it so hopefully in a few more days she may listen.

 

Thanks again!

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I'm a girl so I might be able to help you with this answer haha. Some traits I admire in a man are determination, self-assertiveness and consistency. However, since you two haven't been dating long I wouldn't pester her and keep trying for weeks. Just make sure you get your point across coolly and calmly without sounding desperate.

 

First call her (in 2-3 days as you've planned). If she doesn't pick up then try messaging her instead. Explain how you feel about her and why you think you're compatible. Make her feel special and tell her what you like about her. Explain why you didn't open up. Apologise for not telling her how you felt when she asked, say you regret it and haven't been able to get this situation off your mind over the past few days. You felt hurt when you didn't hear from her because you really want to make a go of things.

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Scarlett.O'hara

If you really want her back then it is probably time for a big romantic gesture to show her how much you care.

 

Flowers, corny poetry, hold a boom box above your head and her a play a love song, or something individual that lets her know that you understand and care about her.

 

That's your best chance, in my opinion.

 

She does appear to still care, but she might have other reasons for thinking you aren't compatible, so you have to be prepared to accept that possibility.

 

I hope it works out for you.

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Be well worth a try aussie.

Mine wasn't in hold back about feelings but more about commitment really, that was mainly for financial reasons, but to her it was still all basically the same thing.

There was other stuff but l often think most may've stemmed back to the same thing too.

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AussieGuy2018
I'm a girl so I might be able to help you with this answer haha. Some traits I admire in a man are determination, self-assertiveness and consistency. However, since you two haven't been dating long I wouldn't pester her and keep trying for weeks. Just make sure you get your point across coolly and calmly without sounding desperate.

 

First call her (in 2-3 days as you've planned). If she doesn't pick up then try messaging her instead. Explain how you feel about her and why you think you're compatible. Make her feel special and tell her what you like about her. Explain why you didn't open up. Apologise for not telling her how you felt when she asked, say you regret it and haven't been able to get this situation off your mind over the past few days. You felt hurt when you didn't hear from her because you really want to make a go of things.

 

 

This sounds like a really good approach, if she doesn't answer, the text might be quite a long one so I will have to make sure it is direct and not an essay.

 

Cheers!!!!

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You have waited 3-4 days, and now you want to wait 2-3 more days? I dunno...

You are missing an important piece of info on what's going on, so it's hard to help you because you are my only source of info here and you are kind of clueless.

 

Is it possible that she snooped and found indications of you talking to other women? But she can't tell you cos she can't admit to snooping? Do you have online dating activities? Have you had the exclusivity talk?

 

There is also the possibility that she was on the rebound. Rebound people tend to move very fast because they needed an instant relationship replacement.

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Are you actually ready to date?

 

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

 

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.

Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

 

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

 

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.

If it doesn't you need to respect that.

If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

 

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

 

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.

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AussieGuy2018
You have waited 3-4 days, and now you want to wait 2-3 more days? I dunno...

You are missing an important piece of info on what's going on, so it's hard to help you because you are my only source of info here and you are kind of clueless.

 

Is it possible that she snooped and found indications of you talking to other women? But she can't tell you cos she can't admit to snooping? Do you have online dating activities? Have you had the exclusivity talk?

 

There is also the possibility that she was on the rebound. Rebound people tend to move very fast because they needed an instant relationship replacement.

 

 

1. I haven’t been talking to any other women

2. I’m not on any online dating sites or apps

3. She wasn’t on the rebound, has been single for 18 months.

 

Thanks for your help anyway.

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AussieGuy2018
Are you actually ready to date?

 

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

 

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.

Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

 

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

 

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.

If it doesn't you need to respect that.

If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

 

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

 

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.

 

 

Hey Gemma, thanks for taking the time.

 

Yes, I am ready to date and i have really enjoyed the last 5 weeks. I know it wasn't her fault and I had put up a wall because I wanted to make sure it was right and that I really liked her before I opened up.

 

I only wanted to wait a couple of more days because I didn't want to annoy her as she seemed quite angry/upset the last time we spoke and wanted to give her time to calm down I guess, not low interest...I am really keen. I would agree that the last few days haven't been fun for her, but until then we've got along like a house on fire.

 

I am thinking about sending out a New Years message to her and a follow up call the next day. Just really confused what action and when to take it because I have one chance and that is it. I have kinda written down what I want to say to her, so hopefully she answers the call and I get to say it and like you said, the decision is up to her.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Are you actually ready to date?

 

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

 

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.

Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

 

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

 

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.

If it doesn't you need to respect that.

If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

 

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

 

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.

 

I agree and as someone who has no tolerance for low interest, I can understand why she is drawing back. If I was her and you took days to text back, I would prob just drop you in the no interest category. If you want to date her, make the moves!

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1. I haven’t been talking to any other women

2. I’m not on any online dating sites or apps

3. She wasn’t on the rebound, has been single for 18 months.

 

Thanks for your help anyway.

 

Ok. No judgement here. Was just brainstorming for what could have happened a few days ago. It was sudden, so there was an event. But what???

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AussieGuy2018
I agree and as someone who has no tolerance for low interest' date=' I can understand why she is drawing back. If I was her and you took days to text back, I would prob just drop you in the no interest category. If you want to date her, make the moves![/quote']

 

 

This is what I find so hard, I’ve read and friends have told me to go the no contact rule and she will come back if she’s still interested, but the more I think about it the more no contact doesn’t make sense, but don’t want to annoy her by contacting her too much. I was he last to text her with no reply so that why I thought I’d leave her for a few days.

 

I’m going to send a nice New Year’s Eve message and call the next day. Gonna fight for her at least then I’ll know.

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By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

 

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.

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AussieGuy2018
Ok. No judgement here. Was just brainstorming for what could have happened a few days ago. It was sudden, so there was an event. But what???

 

I think it was me not showing her affection quick enough on our last date. I hugged and kissed her at the end of the date and she sent me a text afterwards saying I took my time kissing her etc...so she thinks I’m not interested.

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AussieGuy2018
By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

 

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.

 

I agree with you 100%, I am not sure why we have to move so quickly but I also take responsibility for being TOO SLOW...she told me after our first date some pretty open and forward feelings so she moves quickly.

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AussieGuy2018
By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

 

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.

 

 

I am also convinced that this is where she has got that we are incompatible because we are moving at two different speeds and she is more affectionate.

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Just my opinion but NYDay isn't necessarily the greatest time - people are usually tired, possibly a little hungover.

Having a heavy conversation that day is pretty inconsiderate.

 

Plus, if this is about fighting for her then your instinct would just be to do it and not with something rehearsed or written down. You've got nothing to lose at this stage and if you can't be open and vulnerable now then when?

Call her, see if you can meet her today or tomorrow for an hour. Remember, this is a conversation to explain and give her time after to digest what you've said.

Don't you want to be on her mind when she goes out for NYEve?

I would in your situation.

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AussieGuy2018
Just my opinion but NYDay isn't necessarily the greatest time - people are usually tired, possibly a little hungover.

Having a heavy conversation that day is pretty inconsiderate.

 

Plus, if this is about fighting for her then your instinct would just be to do it and not with something rehearsed or written down. You've got nothing to lose at this stage and if you can't be open and vulnerable now then when?

Call her, see if you can meet her today or tomorrow for an hour. Remember, this is a conversation to explain and give her time after to digest what you've said.

Don't you want to be on her mind when she goes out for NYEve?

I would in your situation.

 

It’s 9.18pm on the 30th where I am so meeting tomorrow on NYE is a long shot. I was going to send her a message on NYE in the late arvo...tricky time of year I guess?

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Up to you!

 

It's not really a tricky time of year, just takes a bit of consideration is all.

 

Me? I would take the risk, call her and ask to meet.

Texting isn't the way I would fight for someone.

 

Good luck!

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