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Old 30th December 2017, 6:17 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
Are you actually ready to date?

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.
Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.
If it doesn't you need to respect that.
If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.
I agree and as someone who has no tolerance for low interest, I can understand why she is drawing back. If I was her and you took days to text back, I would prob just drop you in the no interest category. If you want to date her, make the moves!
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:26 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by AussieGuy2018 View Post
1. I haven’t been talking to any other women
2. I’m not on any online dating sites or apps
3. She wasn’t on the rebound, has been single for 18 months.

Thanks for your help anyway.
Ok. No judgement here. Was just brainstorming for what could have happened a few days ago. It was sudden, so there was an event. But what???
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:35 AM   #18
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I agree and as someone who has no tolerance for low interest, I can understand why she is drawing back. If I was her and you took days to text back, I would prob just drop you in the no interest category. If you want to date her, make the moves!

This is what I find so hard, I’ve read and friends have told me to go the no contact rule and she will come back if she’s still interested, but the more I think about it the more no contact doesn’t make sense, but don’t want to annoy her by contacting her too much. I was he last to text her with no reply so that why I thought I’d leave her for a few days.

I’m going to send a nice New Year’s Eve message and call the next day. Gonna fight for her at least then I’ll know.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:36 AM   #19
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By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:37 AM   #20
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Ok. No judgement here. Was just brainstorming for what could have happened a few days ago. It was sudden, so there was an event. But what???
I think it was me not showing her affection quick enough on our last date. I hugged and kissed her at the end of the date and she sent me a text afterwards saying I took my time kissing her etc...so she thinks I’m not interested.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:39 AM   #21
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By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.
I agree with you 100%, I am not sure why we have to move so quickly but I also take responsibility for being TOO SLOW...she told me after our first date some pretty open and forward feelings so she moves quickly.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:43 AM   #22
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By the way, I would also caution you to not blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong to move at the pace you are comfortable with. In my experience, if one person is willing to be patient, the end result is good. If someone was given a kick to go faster than ready, there's trouble down the road.

I know that you don't want to lose her now. But at some point you have to just say, here I stand, I was true to myself and I was sincere toward her. She can't ask more of you. Don't beat yourself up.

I am also convinced that this is where she has got that we are incompatible because we are moving at two different speeds and she is more affectionate.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:43 AM   #23
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Just my opinion but NYDay isn't necessarily the greatest time - people are usually tired, possibly a little hungover.
Having a heavy conversation that day is pretty inconsiderate.

Plus, if this is about fighting for her then your instinct would just be to do it and not with something rehearsed or written down. You've got nothing to lose at this stage and if you can't be open and vulnerable now then when?
Call her, see if you can meet her today or tomorrow for an hour. Remember, this is a conversation to explain and give her time after to digest what you've said.
Don't you want to be on her mind when she goes out for NYEve?
I would in your situation.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:47 AM   #24
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Just my opinion but NYDay isn't necessarily the greatest time - people are usually tired, possibly a little hungover.
Having a heavy conversation that day is pretty inconsiderate.

Plus, if this is about fighting for her then your instinct would just be to do it and not with something rehearsed or written down. You've got nothing to lose at this stage and if you can't be open and vulnerable now then when?
Call her, see if you can meet her today or tomorrow for an hour. Remember, this is a conversation to explain and give her time after to digest what you've said.
Don't you want to be on her mind when she goes out for NYEve?
I would in your situation.
It’s 9.18pm on the 30th where I am so meeting tomorrow on NYE is a long shot. I was going to send her a message on NYE in the late arvo...tricky time of year I guess?
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:55 AM   #25
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Up to you!

It's not really a tricky time of year, just takes a bit of consideration is all.

Me? I would take the risk, call her and ask to meet.
Texting isn't the way I would fight for someone.

Good luck!
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:57 AM   #26
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Up to you!

It's not really a tricky time of year, just takes a bit of consideration is all.

Me? I would take the risk, call her and ask to meet.
Texting isn't the way I would fight for someone.

Good luck!
Thanks Gemma for your advice. I’m going to call her in the morning and ask to meet for a quick coffee...hopefully she answers the call.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:09 AM   #27
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Hey man. I don’t really buy her story.

To late? Not showing enough interest? Kissed her to late on the date? You’ve communicated clearly that you are interested - and she knows that. Either she is playing some wierd game or she lost interest/attraction when you became available. Perhaps she is a player or perhaps she started to see you as a bit needy? Obviously there could also be completely external factors - like a third guy.

I think the best way you can “fight” for her is to follow your friends advice and stay away for a while. Chasing her now might risk coming off as both desperate and needy.

I would also stay away from big “romantic” gestures. Essentially they are selfish and play on her guilty feelings rather than her attraction: “Look at how much I’m willing to do for you - love me back - please”. I really don’t think that works in real life.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:17 AM   #28
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Hey man. I don’t really buy her story.

To late? Not showing enough interest? Kissed her to late on the date? You’ve communicated clearly that you are interested - and she knows that. Either she is playing some wierd game or she lost interest/attraction when you became available. Perhaps she is a player or perhaps she started to see you as a bit needy? Obviously there could also be completely external factors - like a third guy.

I think the best way you can “fight” for her is to follow your friends advice and stay away for a while. Chasing her now might risk coming off as both desperate and needy.

I would also stay away from big “romantic” gestures. Essentially they are selfish and play on her guilty feelings rather than her attraction: “Look at how much I’m willing to do for you - love me back - please”. I really don’t think that works in real life.

Hey mate, I’ve got no idea hey? So confused. She’s told me a few times she likes me and I was a little dismissive about it in the beginning, so I think it’s been brewing for a week or so. I’m just not used to opening up to someone after 2-3 weeks.

I’m not planning big romantic gestures, but staying away I’m not sure? She’s posting a lot on Snapchat and Instagram stories since, which is a little out of character so either that means nothing or she’s trying to say she’s fine out with her friends etc living life.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:29 AM   #29
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YOU showed such low interest that she got turned off. She no doubt put up with you and put up with you and there was probably a last straw that broke the camel's back, so she was done.
She doesn't think you care as nothing in your actions showed her that.
She doesn't want to date "a closed book".

All very well to "say" you care, but that is easy to say when all she has to go on is a lacklustre performance from you and some "excuses" when you thought you had lost her. It is not very flattering actually.

The forum is littered with guys who when all is lost, regret they did not treat her better or now want what they cannot have. It is no real basis for an ongoing relationship and few women actually want to go there again.
Dating is a test of compatibility, you rarely get a second chance, you do not get to be a mediocre, low interest date and then rely on picking up the pieces afterwards.

Now after 3-4 days you want to give her even more "space", yes, more "space" to ponder on what a complete waste of her time, you were...
Or go NC so that she will somehow want to run to you.
Why in the world would she want to do that?

If you want to fight then fight, but you need to put in a bit of effort as I guess you have a lot of work to do here, if she is ever to come round and put herself through that again..
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:38 AM   #30
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YOU showed such low interest that she got turned off. She no doubt put up with you and put up with you and there was probably a last straw that broke the camel's back, so she was done.
She doesn't think you care as nothing in your actions showed her that.
She doesn't want to date "a closed book".

All very well to "say" you care, but that is easy to say when all she has to go on is a lacklustre performance from you and some "excuses" when you thought you had lost her. It is not very flattering actually.

The forum is littered with guys who when all is lost, regret they did not treat her better or now want what they cannot have. It is no real basis for an ongoing relationship and few women actually want to go there again.
Dating is a test of compatibility, you rarely get a second chance, you do not get to be a mediocre, low interest date and then rely on picking up the pieces afterwards.

Now after 3-4 days you want to give her even more "space", yes, more "space" to ponder on what a complete waste of her time, you were...
Or go NC so that she will somehow want to run to you.
Why in the world would she want to do that?

If you want to fight then fight, but you need to put in a bit of effort as I guess you have a lot of work to do here, if she is ever to come round and put herself through that again..

Hi Elaine,

I understand what you’re saying, but I showed interest and put in a lot of effort. For five straight weeks I texted and called her everyday from morning to night as well as organised dates with her. I even organised something for her on Xmas to cheer her up as she had someone in the family ill, so I feel I put in effort without actually telling her exactly how I feel. When I realised that she needed to hear the words and show more affection, she said she had shut down. The date I organised on Xmas to cheer her up, that’s when I got the “you took a longtime to kiss me”. I thought that was a little unfair given what I organised and I got a little defensive over her questioning.
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