Semi Update: How to date someone with avoidant personality?

[no2days]

Continuation from my first post:

 

How to date someone with avoidant personality?

 

I got a lot of good feedback on this issue so thanks everyone. Timeline of how things went down:

 

Last Wednesday we made Christmas weekend plans. Both excited and he's doting on me and hyping our plans up big time. Thursday morning he cancels because his friend needs help that weekend. I text about rescheduling and he gives me a less than enthusiastic "maybe this day next week" and "there's a show playing next week so pick a day". I leave it alone and let him initiate the plans since he cancelled. He texts me Merry Christmas and we talk for a few minutes. This leads me to believe we are rescheduling to sometime this week.

 

I text him yesterday and inquire about tentative plans, and he texts back that he's not even in town. In fact, he's visiting friends and family out of state. He mentioned possibly traveling the last week of Dec a few weeks ago, but I, probably wrongly assumed, it had fallen through because he asked me about seeing a show this week. Cue me being hella confused at the situation I'm now in.

 

I'm pretty much at my wit's end because of the lack of communication and his lack of mentioning he was definitely going to be out of state this week. I absolutely abhor having to text about issues or problems over text. We continue to text but haven't seen each other in 3 weeks, mostly because he's been traveling just about every other week (for work). Because I haven't had a chance to see him in person, I sent him a text telling him how confusing it was to make plans and back out. Told him how it made me feel and that it was really inconsiderate. I ended it by telling him my feelings were hurt and if there was something else at play, besides the busy holiday plans, than to CALL ME because I would NOT continue to text about it. (good advice I read on the forums) Wished him happy holidays and honestly didn't expect a reply back.

 

This morning I wake up to a text he sent last night saying he'll call me today.

 

I would like to hear his side of the story, so I am gathering my ideas on how I can get my point across. It seems like some people don't really care until you're willing to walk away. My friend was in a similar situation with her guy, and she wasn't going to keep talking to him, because he was being flakey and dismissive lately. Well, he got his head on straight and realized he was going to lose her, so he actually started putting in effort and they've both been happy ever since they communicated about the problem and he stepped up.

 

I am at the point where I am willing to walk away if he cannot own up to his shortcomings. For all I know, he could be calling to dump me. At this point, I just want to know what questions I can ask, how to open the dialogue without putting ourselves in defensive mode, what boundaries I can put in place to make sure he knows I feel like I'm being underappreciated and won't continue to be treated like my time and energy aren't as important as his.

 

Thanks all.

[GemmaUK]

I think he is being as much of a pain in the butt as possible in order that you'll end it.

 

He's not avoidant.

He isn't interested.

[BluEyeL]

He isn't interested, please don't continue to waste your time with this person. He's going to keep throwing you crumbs to just keep you on the line for an ego boost or, if you were already intimate, for sex whenever he feels like it. Let him go.

 

With a man who will truly be interested, you'll know. He will see you, he will not cancel plans, he will see you at least every week and after a while he'll ask you to see you more, he'll ask you to be his girlfriend, he'll show you off to friends and family and ..you'll know. You'll never have to wonder.

 

Believe me, I was there, as were many others here. It was hard to cut the time waster off, but by doing so, I could open myself up to meeting my husband.

[no2days]

He isn't interested.

 

I gathered that after my first post. I was playing mental gymnastics with myself, thinking I was very understanding... until I wasn't. This post is mainly to address the issue on my end so I can learn, grow, move forward, and stand up for myself no matter what happens between us. Thank you.

[no2days]

He isn't interested, please don't continue to waste your time with this person. He's going to keep throwing you crumbs to just keep you on the line for an ego boost or, if you were already intimate, for sex whenever he feels like it. Let him go.

 

With a man who will truly be interested, you'll know. He will see you, he will not cancel plans, he will see you at least every week and after a while he'll ask you to see you more, he'll ask you to be his girlfriend, he'll show you off to friends and family and ..you'll know. You'll never have to wonder.

 

Believe me, I was there, as were many others here. It was hard to cut the time waster off, but by doing so, I could open myself up to meeting my husband.

 

I am willing to hear him out if he's going to call. Is it likely he'll make up some sort of excuses? Sure. Maybe he'll dump me. Won't really know until we talk.

 

I am at a point where I am prepared for both, but not before I get out my 2 cents. He was all those things you mentioned in the very beginning. After the last few weeks though, something has definitely shifted on his end. If he can't or won't tell me the reasons behind it, then oh well. Like you said, can't make someone appreciate or like you. Can only voice my concerns and see if things change.

 

I think after this conversation I will longer have to wonder. I'm tired of not being heard, that's all I want at this point. For my feelings to be acknowledged. If he chooses to do something about it, great, but it will no longer be my responsibility to make him make me feel appreciated. Thank you.

[she'stheone]

Hi no2days,

 

Sorry about your relationship/dating struggles.

 

First, let me say, if a man is not treating you the way you want or deserve (Want and deserve may be 2 different things), then you should end things with him.

 

Based on your post, it would seem that this man either can't or won't step up and treat you properly.

 

With that said:

 

This is not listening to him or his side of the story. We can't listen to someone when we're busy formulating our response and we can't listen to someone when we've already formulated our response to whatever might be said.

 

If you want to hear what he has to say LISTEN, without a list of responses at the ready. If it doesn't matter what he has to say and you simply want to shove you're point of view down his throat you will end up disappointed in the end.

 

While he may listen and stick around it will be under duress, not good for any relationship. He may feel he's done nothing wrong and you're out of line (all your prep work wasted) or anything in between.

 

Communication is about listening to another person. If you can't do that there is no communication.

 

If he can't do that, then end it because, there is no communication.

 

I understand your angry and upset. You have every right to be. Remember it is YOU not he who is responsible for your actions and reactions.

 

Again, if he's not right for you end it. If you TRULY want to hear his side of the story, then listen with an open mind, not prepared to get your point across.

 

Always set the example for how to communicate and act in a relationship. You ARE responsible for yourself.

 

Sending you much love and light

[stillafool]

You don't try to date someone with avoidant personality. You leave them alone. He's not interested.

[no2days]

Hi no2days,

 

Sorry about your relationship/dating struggles.

 

First, let me say, if a man is not treating you the way you want or deserve (Want and deserve may be 2 different things), then you should end things with him.

 

Based on your post, it would seem that this man either can't or won't step up and treat you properly.

 

With that said:

 

 

This is not listening to him or his side of the story. We can't listen to someone when we're busy formulating our response and we can't listen to someone when we've already formulated our response to whatever might be said.

 

If you want to hear what he has to say LISTEN, without a list of responses at the ready. If it doesn't matter what he has to say and you simply want to shove you're point of view down his throat you will end up disappointed in the end.

 

While he may listen and stick around it will be under duress, not good for any relationship. He may feel he's done nothing wrong and you're out of line (all your prep work wasted) or anything in between.

 

Communication is about listening to another person. If you can't do that there is no communication.

 

If he can't do that, then end it because, there is no communication.

 

I understand your angry and upset. You have every right to be. Remember it is YOU not he who is responsible for your actions and reactions.

 

Again, if he's not right for you end it. If you TRULY want to hear his side of the story, then listen with an open mind, not prepared to get your point across.

 

Always set the example for how to communicate and act in a relationship. You ARE responsible for yourself.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. That really hit with me, to set the example for how to communicate. I guess that's my goal here. And you are right, I am preparing for what to say, but that's just because I get really flustered in the moment if I don't think of a few points that I want to address ahead of time. My mind will go blank and I'll struggle to get my point across. I will do as you suggest, just to listen with an open mind, and see what he has to say.

[she'stheone]

Thank you for the kind words. That really hit with me, to set the example for how to communicate. I guess that's my goal here. And you are right, I am preparing for what to say, but that's just because I get really flustered in the moment if I don't think of a few points that I want to address ahead of time. My mind will go blank and I'll struggle to get my point across. I will do as you suggest, just to listen with an open mind, and see what he has to say.

 

I hear you, I often am at a loss for word in the moment. That's OK, a simple sentence like "I understand and I need some time to process this" is a perfect answer for when your flustered.

 

This way you have time to get your thoughts straight and you aren't under pressure to answer right away.

 

Good luck.

Sending you much love and light

[Cookiesandough]

Tell him it's not working for you anymore because of the lack of communication and blow offs. Relationships are supposed to be fun and enriching, where people share their lives together and are happier for it, not a person chasing down another person who probably couldn't care less.