Jump to content

How to date someone with avoidant personality?

no2days

By no2days,
in Dating

 Share Followers 1

Recommended Posts

no2days

no2days

Posted
Posted

Crowd sourcing for information and experience on dating/dealing someone with an avoidant personality type. In the beginning, he was the pursuer and took initiative. I also would initiate too, so it's not like he had to do all the work to make plans and spend time together.

 

I feel like sometimes I find myself over-communicating to balance his under communication style. He texts me sweet things, is sweet in person, but tends to cancel plans on me last minute. For example, we made plans to this weekend to see each other. Next day he cancels because he is helping to tutor his friend. He's been helping his friend for weeks now, so that is not new information to me. Had I known he was busy, I would have suggested a different time/day. What upsets me, is he didn't mention this when I asked what his schedule was like this weekend. I am learning to say what's on my mind, and to not pull the "it's fine, I'm fine" line. I understand people have other responsibilities, that's life. I respect that he is helping his friend, but where does one draw the line? I want to understand his vantage point, but also need him to understand my vantage point.

 

He cancelled over text yesterday, but when I simply asked about our date he didn't answer. Please note I am not pleading or being accusatory, just simply asked what will happen to our date night. I expected him to suggest another day, however, I still have not heard back from him. I'm pretty sure he's avoiding the issue because he doesn't know how to respond. Things like this make me think he is the avoidant type. His parents weren't really there for him growing up, and passed away when he was young. Since then he's been fiercely independent and describes himself as an ambivert. I am the anxious-avoidant type, but am working very on myself and letting others know how I feel instead of staying quiet and stewing on the inside.

 

So loveshack, how do you deal with dating someone that has avoidant type personality that doesn't really open up? How do you create harmony between two people with two different personality types?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted

I've gone through this before and all I have to say on the subject is...don't bother.

 

Honestly.

 

I know that sounds cold because 'everyone needs love' but there are some people who, just by their actions (or lack there of) tell you all you need to know.

 

He's interested in you only when it works for HIM. That's it.

 

You have two choices as far as I'm concerned; you either accept it as is and learn to deal or you move on.

 

Thinking you can change him or train him or whatever else you think YOU can do to make it a more harmonious relationship is a pure waste of your time and energy.

 

Trust me.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
jjgitties

jjgitties

Posted
Posted

He's interested in you only when it works for HIM. That's it.

 

Yeah. this!! ^^

 

You will either need to accept it or not accept it. Quite frankly, to cancel a date and dinner on holiday season with a nice beautiful female in order to "tutor" someone?! Under which rock did you find this guy cramped under?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
kendahke

kendahke

Posted
Posted
So loveshack, how do you deal with dating someone that has avoidant type personality that doesn't really open up? How do you create harmony between two people with two different personality types?

 

I don't keep going back again and again to have the same behavior flung in my teeth, for one.

 

I also recognize when someone doesn't want to be with me--and I learned to do that early on. The first time I get cancelled on and there is no talk about rescheduling is the last time I deal with that person. Why? Because they do not want to be with me. If they did, they'd act like it and their actions would buttress that. When actions do not buttress words, your best recourse is to see what is in front of you instead of what you wished was in front of you and act accordingly.

 

I treat avoidant personalities by avoiding them. My time is just as precious as anyone else's.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted
I don't keep going back again and again to have the same behavior flung in my teeth, for one.

 

I also recognize when someone doesn't want to be with me--and I learned to do that early on. The first time I get cancelled on and there is no talk about rescheduling is the last time I deal with that person. Why? Because they do not want to be with me. If they did, they'd act like it and their actions would buttress that. When actions do not buttress words, your best recourse is to see what is in front of you instead of what you wished was in front of you and act accordingly.

 

I treat avoidant personalities by avoiding them. My time is just as precious as anyone else's.

 

Precisely :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Gaeta

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I would not deal with it, period. I have no time to waste on a man that cannot act like a responsible & stable adult. I would let him be someone else's problem.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
elaine567

elaine567

Posted
Posted

He is tutoring his friend on the weekend before Xmas?

Really?

 

Whatever his "diagnosis" he is not interested in you, that is clear.

Stop making excuses for him and walk away.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted

As someone with Aspergers (so avoidant by default, not necessarily a reflection of how I feel about someone), I would advise that unless you have a never-ending supply of patience and you are extremely secure in yourself, you should stay away.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
BaileyB

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

Exactly, I would deal with an avoidant personailty by avoiding a relationship with this person.

 

I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me - I don't want to have to chase them, pressure them, over communicate with them, or anything else. Life is too short.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
act00

act00

Posted
Posted

Ambivert: A person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.

 

This guy is not interested enough in you to make you a priority. Certainly life tosses zingers at us and we go along and understand, but you claim he cancels on you, last-minute, repeatedly. This isn't a scant occurrence, but rather regularly and repeatedly and last-minute, as if your pre-determined plans, YOU and your time are of no significance.

 

You're making excuses for him and armchair diagnosing him instead of accepting the reality that he is either a) Just not that into you; or b) He is not meeting your needs in the relationship. I think the answer to this scenario is 'A'.

 

You can accept him as he is and attempt to teach him, guide him on proper etiquette and priorities, and spend days and months feeling like you're constantly hitting your head against a wall as he repeatedly has you prioritizing your time for him to be let down...because he has something much more urgent and pressing to deal with.

 

He's only interested in you when it's convenient for him and he has no other priorities.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Arieswoman

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

no2days,

 

You asked:

How to date someone with avoidant personality?
A. You don't.

 

I married someone who had similar traits.

I cringe with embarassment when I think of how hard I worked to organise our relationship/marriage while he coasted along. :o

 

After 4 years of it I was mentally exhausted and emotionally bled white and I told him he needed to start pulling his weight.

 

His response was to start an affair. I divorced him and he eventually married his AP. So now he's her problem. :)

 

Don't be like I was.

 

Do not waste any more of your precious time on someone who is only half-@r$ed about you.

 

PS And stop making excuses for his behaviour because of his "attachment style" and because "he had a difficult childhood". He knows jolly well what he's doing and that's being manipulative.

 

Get out now.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
sdraw108

sdraw108

Posted
Posted
In the beginning, he was the pursuer and took initiative.

 

I think we need to address the assumption in this post. Does he actually have an "avoidant personality"? Or is it that he's lost interest for some reason?

 

How long have you been in this relationship for? And for how long was he the pursuer?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lorenza

Lorenza

Posted
Posted

The thing is, when someone with an avoidant personality meets THE ONE, their commitment issues go away. So if he's avoidant with you, most likely he just isn't crazy enough about you. Then the question is - why bother?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Arieswoman

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted
How do you know he has an avoidant personality and that he's not just no longer interested OP?

 

 

A good question GemmaUk #16

 

 

I think we can be far too keen to make excuses for peoples' behaviour by labelling them with a personality disorder, making allowances for FOO issues etc when they are just ill-mannered, selfish, entitled, individuals. :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 1
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...