Girls, do you prefer an equal balance when initiating contact?

[fmfan08]

Whenever I'm dating a girl, I tend to reach out once, maybe twice a week and she'll reach out to me on the other days that I don't. Would you think that is an okay thing to do assuming his texts are detailed to you and show interest? Or do most girls prefer if he reaches out every other day that you do?

 

This girl I'm dating reaches out to me everyday and I occasionally reach out to initiate things, but I wouldn't want to come across and not being interested or annoying her by not doing so as much.

[d0nnivain]

Although I will reach out to anybody I want to be in contact with, in the early stages of dating a new man, I was more old fashioned. I preferred him to do the chasing. If I found myself so much as wanting to contact him more then he was contacting me, I would intentionally dial it back. I wouldn't ghost. I found other ways to make my interest known but I always tried to let a new guy take the lead in the first couple of months.

[fmfan08]

Although I will reach out to anybody I want to be in contact with, in the early stages of dating a new man, I was more old fashioned. I preferred him to do the chasing. If I found myself so much as wanting to contact him more then he was contacting me, I would intentionally dial it back. I wouldn't ghost. I found other ways to make my interest known but I always tried to let a new guy take the lead in the first couple of months.

 

Ah yeah I see. I've met a variety of different girls who communicate differently. As long as they agree to the date and meet up, then I don't really mind. I don't like to text a lot, but the girl I've gone out with once seems to text me a lot, usually with essays, something I'm not used to but I've gone with because she's into that.

 

She initiated just before and beat me to the punch, so I'll have to step up my game tomorrow

[d0nnivain]

Texting is also a game changer. It was only in its infancy when I started dating my husband. Flip phones were high tech back then & you didn't have a full keyboard or voice to text features. Because it's so easy & somewhat unobtrusive to text, the rules about times & frequency have changed. You would never call somebody 5-7x per day but some people text that often or more.

 

If she is chasing you & you can simply sit back & let her drive, you may not need to put in much more effort as long as you remain, polite, responsive & interested.

[GemmaUK]

I prefer an equal balance pretty much.

 

Texting and frequency of seems to be one of the biggest dating issues these days.

 

OP, why don't you talk to her about it when you see her next time?

[Ieris]

I'm flexible... I understand some guys have to focus when they're at work or busy doing their own thing so don't want to text all day everyday and yet some guys make time to text you whenever they can.

[fmfan08]

Texting is also a game changer. It was only in its infancy when I started dating my husband. Flip phones were high tech back then & you didn't have a full keyboard or voice to text features. Because it's so easy & somewhat unobtrusive to text, the rules about times & frequency have changed. You would never call somebody 5-7x per day but some people text that often or more.

 

If she is chasing you & you can simply sit back & let her drive, you may not need to put in much more effort as long as you remain, polite, responsive & interested.

 

Yeah! I just don't want to sit back too much and have that being a put off for her so I think I'll let her "drive" as you say but I'll reach out every so often too. We send texts that are 5-6 lines long most times with emojis. That's something she does and I've just mirrored, showing my interest indirectly (aka not telling her I like her, etc but showing it).

 

I'll always set up a date though.. My personal rule is that if there's a date, I'm happy enough to chat away over text when I'm not busy. The only time I would refuse would be if we just became "penpals".

 

Been acting myself so far and teasing when the opportunity is there. We both spoke about texting habits on our first date and I told her I'm not a big texter which is why I can take a while. She said she noticed that but was completely fine and was happy that I wasn't replying instantly, nor waiting a whole day.

[fmfan08]

I prefer an equal balance pretty much.

 

Texting and frequency of seems to be one of the biggest dating issues these days.

 

OP, why don't you talk to her about it when you see her next time?

 

We had a little talk about it on the first date I mentioned I'm not into texting too much and she said she could tell, but was happy that I wasn't an instant replier or took a whole day. She seemed to be on my wavelength about the topic.

 

I feel a good balance of reaching out to her would be when I want to reach out. I'll reach out for every few times she does, but I don't want to seem robotic and reach out for every 3 times she does Whatever feels right I guess!

[d0nnivain]

fmfan08 -- it sounds like you got this. Mirroring is always a good thing. Just go with this flow; it's a good one.

[Versacehottie]

We had a little talk about it on the first date I mentioned I'm not into texting too much and she said she could tell, but was happy that I wasn't an instant replier or took a whole day. She seemed to be on my wavelength about the topic.

 

I feel a good balance of reaching out to her would be when I want to reach out. I'll reach out for every few times she does, but I don't want to seem robotic and reach out for every 3 times she does Whatever feels right I guess!

 

I've always liked when a guy reaches out text or phone call when the mood strikes him, i.e. when it's genuine. You can typically tell the guys who do it because you've crossed their mind at a certain point, or they've wanted to hear your voice, or share some info with you. Conversely, when a guy feels like he is following a pattern or a rule that he's deemed what he must do to secure any girl, it falls flat to me. It feels like those guys don't have the confidence or self-awareness to just do what they want--which is far more attractive than a guy who is following a script or a schedule. Shoot me now for a "good morning beautiful" text--sounds so fake and contrived, i.e. very robotic and substitute any girl and his behavior is the same. Just like you want to feel you've earned your way with the girl you like. We, or well I like to feel, that is because he is excited about me specifically. I realized and hope that his patterns are somewhat different than what he did with girls before me, because our thing is different. Sure there will be some overlap and some things different.

 

Mirroring is good. I agree with donnivan that in general at the beginning I like it when a guy pursues me with initiating vs the other way around. Take charge guy basically that's how I view it as when a guy is not overly worried about what his level of contact means or is waiting for me to initiate so he doesn't look too desperate. He usually just looks scared, uninterested/not as interested as he should be or it's transparent what he is doing or that he is unsure of what he wants and is going to drag his feet. Girls are more verbal so we typically text more/longer ones and happy to respond. I have dated guys who are pretty brief over text and pretty much use it to set up next date, relay info, logistics and other guys do banter more over text. I like BOTH of those types better than guys who are routine and flat in personality--then the texting is more harm than good IMO.

 

BTW, I actually think guys are pretty good at knowing when to wrap up a texting convo. Weirdly they can kinda hear it in the tone of the texts. If the girl is trying to wrap it up, they seem to know. So i'm sure you can feel it out. Good luck

[GemmaUK]

If you like her why don't you go 50/50 instead of the 70/30 with her doing more of the leg work?

 

As long as both of you realise there's busy times and are considerate of that then 50/50 isn't a lot to ask really.

It doesn't sound like either of you is over-texting or at a volume that would be overkill.

[fmfan08]

I initiated today and she was really responsive, as usual. Very detailed texts, lots of emojis and I think she appreciated I reached out.

 

Although I text her goodnight and ended the conversation, but had no reply when she's usually very quick with a reply.

 

Here's the end of the conversation, just worried I might have said something wrong and wanted an outside perspective: https://i.imgur.com/y2knIZu.jpg (some things are out of context)

 

She did this a few days ago and told me by the time she saw my text, she wanted to wait until the following morning to avoid waking me up.

 

Just wanted to know if I might have said something off putting

[SevenCity]

Chill out on the texting until she wants to be gf/bf. You run the risk of turning her off by her misconstruing something you say trying to be funny.

 

Also, it sets you up in a pattern which will carry in the entire relationship. Also, you run out of things to talk about when you are in person.

 

Her doing most of the chasing means she likes you and isn’t playing games. Don’t talk her out of it.

[fmfan08]

Chill out on the texting until she wants to be gf/bf. You run the risk of turning her off by her misconstruing something you say trying to be funny.

 

Also, it sets you up in a pattern which will carry in the entire relationship. Also, you run out of things to talk about when you are in person.

 

Her doing most of the chasing means she likes you and isn’t playing games. Don’t talk her out of it.

 

She talks a lot. I feel like if I don't reply back with some length (aka one line compared to her 6 or 7) or I disappear after a couple of texts, she'll just assume I'm not interested. Plus, I enjoy talking to her over text inbetween our dates so I don't see it as a problem.

 

I'm happy enough to talk over text because I feel with we were right for each other, we wouldn't run out of things to say, even in person.

 

It's not like I was trying hard to be funny, I was just using my sense of humour but I'm worried it might not be portrayed correctly over text! Suppose I'll just stick to keeping it simple so I don't run the risk of putting her off, unless I have already.

Edited December 19, 2017 by fmfan08

[GemmaUK]

I initiated today and she was really responsive, as usual. Very detailed texts, lots of emojis and I think she appreciated I reached out.

 

Although I text her goodnight and ended the conversation, but had no reply when she's usually very quick with a reply.

 

Here's the end of the conversation, just worried I might have said something wrong and wanted an outside perspective: https://i.imgur.com/y2knIZu.jpg (some things are out of context)

 

She did this a few days ago and told me by the time she saw my text, she wanted to wait until the following morning to avoid waking me up.

Just wanted to know if I might have said something off putting

 

The bold part - Why not take it that this is how she rolls?

There wasn't an awful lot to respond to in the text and anyway, you said you were going off to do something else.

She's just being considerate of that.

[todreaminblue]

like donnivain i prefer a guy to chase a bit to start off that way i know he is as interested as i am.....the guys i have been with have always chased.....and its where i feel comfortable with the guy in the lead ......i like confidence in men..makes me feel confident around them..

 

sounds like you have it down pat anyway...i wish you well.....deb

[Grey40]

This question had boggled me a lot too as of late. It seems that every girl is a little bit different. The majority of girls I meet and go out with really don't text me or stay in touch at all unless I text them. Though occasionally I meet a woman who texts me everyday and I can tell is really into me. I like that as a guy because there's no guessing what she's thinking.

 

It's really a tough thing. If you don't stay in touch enough the girls will think you've lost interest and move on (especially if you're at all good looking or somewhat successful)...but if you stay in touch too much and are always initiating it comes off as a little bit desperate and and unattractive.

 

It's hard because some girls keep agreeing to dates, but I feel if I never reached out or initiated a text I would never hear from them ever again. Part of me thinks that's because their interest level is much lower than I think it its, but I guess it could also just be because they've been screwed over in the past and want to make sure the guy is putting in a lot of effort first maybe too.

[Popsicle]

I prefer contact everyday or yes I will assume he’s not interested or too busy for me.

[SevenCity]

I prefer contact everyday or yes I will assume he’s not interested or too busy for me.

 

I’ve run into this a lot and it’s exhausting. I’m very busy and don’t have a lot of free time anymore.

 

What I find amazing is how a woman is a complete stranger then goes to expecting contact everyday after only a few weeks. If you acquiesce, then you are locked into the daily plan. Miss a day and it becomes a reason for conflict.

 

OP - too much contact and you will run out of things to talk about. Not now, but months/years down the line.

[d0nnivain]

You do have to ascertain the other person's expectations. In the beginning of a new relationship I would run screaming from somebody who was contacting me every day. To much such a person would come across as a Stage 5 Cling-0n with no life.

 

 

You have to find a pace that works for you both.

[Popsicle]

I’ve run into this a lot and it’s exhausting. I’m very busy and don’t have a lot of free time anymore.

 

What I find amazing is how a woman is a complete stranger then goes to expecting contact everyday after only a few weeks. If you acquiesce, then you are locked into the daily plan. Miss a day and it becomes a reason for conflict.

 

OP - too much contact and you will run out of things to talk about. Not now, but months/years down the line.

 

Different strokes for different folks. I enjoy everyday and the men who I've done it with enjoy it too. It's a style of communication. If you don't like it, then don't do it. Clearly you're incompatible anyway.