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Why is He Blindsiding Me? It Hurts


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Old 15th December 2017, 9:02 AM   #1
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Why is He Blindsiding Me? It Hurts

So he broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I couldn't control myself and tried to get closure and that ended up with him telling me he needs 3 days to think about if he wants to continue our relationship. Well after the 3 days, he said we can work it out but it's not the same. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. He doesn't text or call. He makes me text him first everyday. We used to talk to each other everyday during work until he went to sleep with an I love you and him or I would initiate first.

I have become very skeptical. I asked him what's really going on. We compromised after reconciliation and I told him that we don't have to have kids and move together right now like he requested even though before the break-up we were in a process of trying to conceive. However, he's still giving me the cold-shoulder. I asked him was there someone else and he says no, but I don't know. He won't tell me and all I get now is a standard text with no emotion. Some days he's like himself again and we talk. Then, all of a sudden he will stop texting and leave me with the last message.

It seems that after the birth of his cousin's child (whom he was very close to) is when he started acting aloof. I'm not sure if this has something to do with it, but I'm trying to make sense of it all.

I'm just ready to give up. I told him that if he keeps acting like this, I will have no choice but to move on but then he retracts. He retracts then ignore me again. His excuse is that he has been busy with work and working massive overtime. However, that never stopped him from calling or telling me goodnight when he gets off. We even went as far as getting gifts for each other this Christmas as we usually do.

I feel like he's playing games and I just can't see how he can do this to me when all he had to do was tell me he don't want me or have time for me. I was honest with him last night and told him that even though I agreed to compromise, I still want kids and marriage soon. He says he wants the same thing. But I already feel it's not with me. I really want to talk to him one last time for closure. My gut tells me that he really wants the life he told me he wanted when we first met, but for some reason I don't fit the bill for him. It hurts and I wish it wasn't true, but I see it and felt it before I saw it. It Just hurts that he's blindsiding me. Maybe for guilt? Does anyone know any other reasons for him to be aloof and claims he still wants the relationship?
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:14 AM   #2
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I think you want marriage then children as this works best for your security as well as the childs. He broke up with you so he should have been the one to beg you back and solidify your relationship. You went back to him wanting to get back together so now he is taking you for granted. I don't think he is blindsiding you as you can feel and see that he is pulling away. I would let him go, go NC and if he wanted me back he'd have to do some real work for that to happen. As long as you continue to act weak for his love he will continue to treat you as he does. Not good. Find some strength.
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:30 AM   #3
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Quote:
Does anyone know any other reasons for him to be aloof and claims he still wants the relationship?
Either he doesn't see a future with you (due to the issues that you broke up over) , but he can still get sex from you so that's why he's half-a$$ed staying in touch

or

there's someone else in the picture and it's not at the point where he's ready to let go of you until he sees it's going to work out.

Why did you break up?
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:40 AM   #4
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Either he doesn't see a future with you (due to the issues that you broke up over) , but he can still get sex from you so that's why he's half-a$$ed staying in touch

or

there's someone else in the picture and it's not at the point where he's ready to let go of you until he sees it's going to work out.

Why did you break up?
He said we broke up because I was putting too much pressure on him to move together and have a child. He also said that I'm paranoid and always think he's cheating or someone else is up to something. And we haven't seen each other or had sex since the breakup. We live an hour apart and he has to pay a $15 toll everytime he comes to see me.

Last edited by ByMyself01; 15th December 2017 at 9:43 AM..
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Old 15th December 2017, 10:47 AM   #5
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And we haven't seen each other or had sex since the breakup. We live an hour apart and he has to pay a $15 toll everytime he comes to see me.
Sounds to me like you are still broken up.
He is the dumper and he is making no effort whatsoever.
It is not really up to the dumpee to do all the running, so stop it.
Go NC.
If he misses you then it will be up to him to find you again, if not then it was never meant to be.
I think he is lack lustre about you and if you disappear and stop making the effort he is not going to go out of his way to get you back.
If by any chance you do have sex, then make sure your contraception is good, as this guy is I guess not going to stick by you.
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Old 15th December 2017, 10:59 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by ByMyself01 View Post
He said we broke up because I was putting too much pressure on him to move together and have a child. He also said that I'm paranoid and always think he's cheating or someone else is up to something. And we haven't seen each other or had sex since the breakup. We live an hour apart and he has to pay a $15 toll everytime he comes to see me.


This relationship stopped working for him. I can't tell you why but you need to understand that he's done. If you were the right woman for him he'd be moving heaven & earth to be with you; he's be excited to live together & to start a family. Instead he's pulling away. You have to let him go.


Because you have certain goals that involve children, go find somebody who shares your vision.
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Old 15th December 2017, 11:08 AM   #7
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It Just hurts that he's blindsiding me. Maybe for guilt? Does anyone know any other reasons for him to be aloof and claims he still wants the relationship?
He is playing games because he still wants to have sex with you.

But in any case, no long-term relationship ends overnight. What you experience is normal deconvoluting of the relationship. If the relationship was years long- it will take months, it can even take an year. It sucks but it is completely normal. It reflects breaking a habit.
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Old 15th December 2017, 11:14 AM   #8
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but I see it and felt it before I saw it. It Just hurts that he's blindsiding me. -- You haven't been blindsided if you had been noticing that the relationship wasn't going well.

He wants the relationship the way it is on his terms but knows you want more than he wants to give you. He won't really let go of the "convenience" so it's up to you to move on because YOU are not happy. He's aloof because he's not invested.
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Old 15th December 2017, 11:32 AM   #9
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He said we broke up because I was putting too much pressure on him to move together and have a child.
When a man says "pressuring me" that means you are not the one. He is not that into you...take this as a warning: you need to walk away.

Marriage and kids are a big step, and when you have a partner draggin their heels to do it instead of being excited about it...you are fooling yourself that this is going to work.
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Old 15th December 2017, 12:23 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ByMyself01 View Post
He said we broke up because I was putting too much pressure on him to move together and have a child. He also said that I'm paranoid and always think he's cheating or someone else is up to something. And we haven't seen each other or had sex since the breakup. We live an hour apart and he has to pay a $15 toll everytime he comes to see me.
on top of being "geographically undesirable" (I've had that one used on me)

Do you have to pay the same toll when you go to see him? How often did you see one another? Who was doing most of the traveling?

any validity on your part to his claims?

Last edited by kendahke; 15th December 2017 at 12:27 PM..
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Old 15th December 2017, 1:18 PM   #11
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You're doing it backwards. You don't live together, you're not married, yet you were actively trying to conceive a child. You live an HOUR apart from each other.

Yes, I'm sure the birth of his cousin's child was a wake-up call. This is a lifelong commitment. He realizes he doesn't want to live together. He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to have a child with you.

If he can't even live with you first, you should not be actively trying to have a baby.

One step at a time, the first step committing to you and your union.

How was that supposed to work with you living in two separate households an hour apart? Being a single mom is HARD, especially when they are young, and babies are selfish. They don't care if you're tired or you need sleep or a break, and they cost a ton of money.

It's time to accept that he is no longer invested in a life with you. It hurts tremendously. If he truly loves you, he will work for you. He will blend his life with you. Right now you're chasing him and trying to force this relationship. You have to let it go. You can't force him to love you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 15th December 2017, 7:38 PM   #12
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on top of being "geographically undesirable" (I've had that one used on me)

Do you have to pay the same toll when you go to see him? How often did you see one another? Who was doing most of the traveling?

any validity on your part to his claims?
He always paid the toll and came to see me since we had more privacy at my house.
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Old 15th December 2017, 9:43 PM   #13
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F him! Move on!
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:32 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by ByMyself01 View Post
He said we broke up because I was putting too much pressure on him to move together and have a child. He also said that I'm paranoid and always think he's cheating or someone else is up to something. And we haven't seen each other or had sex since the breakup. We live an hour apart and he has to pay a $15 toll everytime he comes to see me.
These things he said, you haven't said if they are true. Were you pressuring him for moving in and having a child? Were you paranoid and distrustful of him? If it's true, why were you wanting to have a child with someone you didn't trust?

These might seem pointless questions, but I'm hoping the answers may give you the closure you need.
kendahke and act00 like this.
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:40 PM   #15
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He always paid the toll and came to see me since we had more privacy at my house.
Does privacy = sex? He should want to see you and be with you whether you have sex or not.
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