edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 (edited) Is it usual for a guy in their late 40s to ask you out often (8 dates in a month) but not try to initiate a more intimate contact? Is that a red flag, or normal for someone who says they're looking for a serious relationship? I guess I'm used to (younger) men who usually jump on me, so I find this a bit intriguing/unusual. Thoughts? Edited December 14, 2017 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 The lack of sex after only 1 month & 8 dates seems respectful to me. If there is no romantic contact -- no kissing, no hugs, no hand holding or even lingering stares, that would bother me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 It's the person, and has nothing to do with age. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Is it usual for a guy in their late 40s to ask you out often (8 dates in a month) but not try to initiate a more intimate contact? Is that a red flag, or normal for someone who says they're looking for a serious relationship? I guess I'm used to (younger) men who usually jump on me, so I find this a bit intriguing/unusual. Thoughts? I dont' know about normal, but it is certainly different from what you're used to, which doesn't make it wrong. He may be trying to see if he likes who you are before getting bound to you through sex--because sex isn't a strong enough glue to keep a relationship together if everything else is ratchet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 I'm curious though: what happens when you initiate intimacy? Does he move you off of him? What does he do and do you ask him why he's doing it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 The lack of sex after only 1 month & 8 dates seems respectful to me. If there is no romantic contact -- no kissing, no hugs, no hand holding or even lingering stares, that would bother me. Pretty much this. Are things progressing at all? Is there physical contact, is there more of it as things move along? One month isn't a very long time, but I would expect a noticeable move in the right direction at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Thank you. I know he's into me but he doesn't try to french kiss me in every date. We only really kissed in two of those 7 (actually) dates, the rest only had a peck on the lips sort of kisses. He once said I seemed aloof, and I get it, because I wasn't sure I was into him in the beginning so I was trying to determine that. But I think he can tell now that I like him... let's see if it changes things. The lack of sex after only 1 month & 8 dates seems respectful to me. If there is no romantic contact -- no kissing, no hugs, no hand holding or even lingering stares, that would bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 You could be right. My super passionate relationships in the past years haven't worked, maybe it's time for me to also change course and how I go about dating. Maybe slow burn could work better although it's certainly not something I'm used to and deep down I hesitate to think it really works. I dont' know about normal, but it is certainly different from what you're used to, which doesn't make it wrong. He may be trying to see if he likes who you are before getting bound to you through sex--because sex isn't a strong enough glue to keep a relationship together if everything else is ratchet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 I don't feel it's "progressing" It's certainly different than what I'm used to. Should I ask about it in a delicate way? Truth is I also don't try to initiate as, although I'm quite sexual, I feel weird that he doesn't try much physical contact, nor tries to "throw me on the wall and kiss me passionately" or so as other men do. He implied he used to be a party boy but now he's looking to settle down. I'm more or less the same - had countless short and longer term relationships but tired of the crash and burn. In a way, maybe we are both going slow for a change? Maybe I should talk about it, but it might turn out awkward. Not sure what to do. Pretty much this. Are things progressing at all? Is there physical contact, is there more of it as things move along? One month isn't a very long time, but I would expect a noticeable move in the right direction at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 By the way, one day he told me he's "usually very affectionate". I said I didn't see it yet... Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 I don't feel it's "progressing" It's certainly different than what I'm used to. Should I ask about it in a delicate way? Truth is I also don't try to initiate as, although I'm quite sexual, I feel weird that he doesn't try much physical contact, nor tries to "throw me on the wall and kiss me passionately" or so as other men do. He implied he used to be a party boy but now he's looking to settle down. I'm more or less the same - had countless short and longer term relationships but tired of the crash and burn. In a way, maybe we are both going slow for a change? Maybe I should talk about it, but it might turn out awkward. Not sure what to do. I've been caught up in the moment before, just too happy that I had a great time going out with somebody, and I forgot to push things along. When that happened the women usually used non-verbal cues. I mean, I touched them on the arm or back, happy to be close to them, but one of my previous girlfriends simply kissed me out of a sudden. Another one held my hand and didn't let go, reminding me to not stop there. It can be something small, like resting your head on his shoulder. Just a simple reminder. If he doesn't reciprocate it would be time for a discussion IMHO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Yeah, you where hesitant before, he might have sensed that. Give him some encouragement by initiating some yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Thanks CptInsano. You're probably right. He already mentioned he doesn't do well with "passive-agressive" and taking it verbally might seem like that to him. The weird part is he's been suggesting I travel with him to his parents beach house where they stay when it's winter here, I would be meeting them for the first time. But we haven't even had sex yet! I really don't get his approach. I'd never introduce someone to my parents if I wasn't sure about them. And how can someone be sure without a test drive? Oh well Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Great point, thanks! That might be it actually. I will try next time. Probably. It's weird to be the woman initiating when a man didn't do it first. Yeah, you where hesitant before, he might have sensed that. Give him some encouragement by initiating some yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Thanks CptInsano. You're probably right. He already mentioned he doesn't do well with "passive-agressive" and taking it verbally might seem like that to him. The weird part is he's been suggesting I travel with him to his parents beach house where they stay when it's winter here, I would be meeting them for the first time. But we haven't even had sex yet! I really don't get his approach. I'd never introduce someone to my parents if I wasn't sure about them. And how can someone be sure without a test drive? Oh well I agree with you there. Taking it slow is fine and dandy, but he isn't taking it slow in every other aspect of the relationship, it seems. All you have to do is place your hand on him and smile, or hug him a little longer and tighter. He should get the idea, and I agree that it is hard to commit to a relationship without having sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Great point, thanks! That might be it actually. I will try next time. Probably. It's weird to be the woman initiating when a man didn't do it first. You really shouldn't have to initiate, just give the green light. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 He implied he used to be a party boy but now he's looking to settle down. I'm more or less the same - had countless short and longer term relationships but tired of the crash and burn. In a way, maybe we are both going slow for a change? Maybe I should talk about it, but it might turn out awkward. Not sure what to do. He's late 40s and says he used to be a party boy up to now?? Doesn't that scare you? What's his relationship history? How long he's been single? what's his longest relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 You could be right. My super passionate relationships in the past years haven't worked, maybe it's time for me to also change course and how I go about dating. Maybe slow burn could work better although it's certainly not something I'm used to and deep down I hesitate to think it really works. It's a bad plan. If you have a history of getting into passionate yet dyfunctional relationships with men who are bad for you, then the best thing to do is to take a break from having any serious relationships and look into figuring out what makes you tick and what makes you pick the men you normally do. With personal growth and insight you should be able to learn what qualities you should be looking for in a relationship while still not sacrificing passion and desire. If you start a relationship with the guy who is good on paper but doesn't elicit any feelings of passion from you, the relationship is bound to fail at some point. You can't spend a lifetime with someone you have a strong desire for. It's not fair to you or the other person. As for the guy your dating it's hard to know why he's holding back without knowing him. It's not because he's in his forties. I've met guys in their fifties who are horn dogs and are all about getting sex early on. It could be that this man just wants to get to know you before advancing to a sexual relationship. It could be that he feels your lack of interest and he's hoping you will warm up to him. It could be that he has some sexual performance issues and he's in no hurry to have you know about it. It could be that he's doing the very same thing you are. Settling for less passion in the hopes of finding something longer lasting. It can be healthy to wait to have sexual intercourse as it gives you a chance to know someone without having your judgement clouded by sexual bonding but the desire for each other still needs to be there. By the time you reach 8 dates there should be some hot make out sessions. I think you two need a serious conversation to find out why you are keeping each other at arms length. If it's just a matter of wanting to take things slow while you get to know each other then I think that is fine, but if it's because one or both of you are lacking sexual desire for the other then there's really no point in continuing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 My understanding is that he was talking about the more distant past. I didn't ask though. Not ever married. He said he's been engaged two times. First time he was too young in his 20s and it was before law school so he didn't have it together to do it. Second time someone he met online but he said he reached the conclusion she was pretty but not that smart so he ended it. He also mentioned he lived with a third person, but I did not ask the timeline or when each of these relationships were. He's late 40s and says he used to be a party boy up to now?? Doesn't that scare you? What's his relationship history? How long he's been single? what's his longest relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Thank anika all your points make total sense and are the kind of things I'm thinking in the back of my mind. Because my relationships have been frustrating, I did take this last year slowly to try figure things out. I realized I won't invest anymore in people who are not 100% into me. I think it gave me perspective as I am now able to ditch people I otherwise would keep trying to make it work with. As for this current relationship... all your points are valid and I sincerely don't have the answers yet. He treats me with much more respect than the last people I've dated... it's almost confusing so it's hard to tell what I feel. It's also hard to gauge attraction when there's not much physical contact. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Is it usual for a guy in their late 40s to ask you out often (8 dates in a month) but not try to initiate a more intimate contact? Is that a red flag, or normal for someone who says they're looking for a serious relationship? I guess I'm used to (younger) men who usually jump on me, so I find this a bit intriguing/unusual. Thoughts? We know his age, what's yours? May be playing into his thoughts. (I'm early 50's) Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Mid 40s. For the record in case you were wondering I froze my eggs and he knows it. We know his age, what's yours? May be playing into his thoughts. (I'm early 50's) Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Mid 40s. For the record in case you were wondering I froze my eggs and he knows it. Thanks. If you were 10 years younger than him I could see him shying a little bit, but it sounds like he just might truly be respecting you. FWIW, I have a 90 day rule with any woman I see a possible future with. If it's just a fun fling that rule goes out the window, but if I see a possible future, I'll wait 90 days before sleeping with her as a way to show her that I see a possible future... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted December 14, 2017 Author Share Posted December 14, 2017 Interesting. How old are you? At least I don't think he's a prude or so as we did talk about sex Thanks. If you were 10 years younger than him I could see him shying a little bit, but it sounds like he just might truly be respecting you. FWIW, I have a 90 day rule with any woman I see a possible future with. If it's just a fun fling that rule goes out the window, but if I see a possible future, I'll wait 90 days before sleeping with her as a way to show her that I see a possible future... Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 Interesting. How old are you? At least I don't think he's a prude or so as we did talk about sex 51... That's 357 in dog years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts