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Back burner girl


Fair

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Still working at OLD and not getting anywhere. Is anyone succeeding at it?? I'm beginning to wonder.

 

How do you deal with never being someone's first choice on a dating site?

 

Met another guy who messaged me. I liked him and thought there was chemistry there... suddenly he's become quiet, tossing out four word messages every now and then like bread crumbs that essentially say nothing... "hey, how was your day?" or something equally inane. If I answer back while he's still online he'll say "great. Going to bed. Goodnight". And that's it.

 

Apparently these dopes don't realize you can see whether or not they've actually logged off... instead I see he's been staying online for half the night talking to someone else while meanwhile he's saying he's going to bed apparently just to get rid of me.

 

Still, he's been trying to call every two or three days because we got as far as exchanging phone numbers initially. But I won't answer the phone. Why take it any further when you already feel relegated to the back burner? Not very flattering.

 

Now, I realize it's going to be rare to be anyone's "priority" on OLD. But how much are you willing to turn a blind eye to, and is it wise to do so? Should I answer his calls? Or based on the fact he's always online chatting with someone else (seemingly) more than he ever does with me, be a deal breaker?

 

I swear online dating makes my head spin... what to do, what not to do... :mad: Do I have too much pride to be online dating? I think so at times.

Edited by Fair
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It's not online dating, it's dating period. This is how it's always been.

 

I guess you're right. I never was any good at this in any sphere... it's tough. Maybe I don't have what it takes, period. :(

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I guess you're right. I never was any good at this in any sphere... it's tough. Maybe I don't have what it takes, period. :(

 

dating in all its forms befuddles most people, including myself

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dating in all its forms befuddles most people, including myself

 

It's amazing so many people are in relationships or married... I don't know how they do it.

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There should be some kind of dating etiquette for OLD. For example if someone gave you their number in real life and then crossed the room to sit and flirt with someone else right in front of your face for six hours, would you call that person? Probably not. But on OLD... they're essentially doing the same thing, and then honestly expect you to be thrilled to get a call from them. Bah! Who needs it?

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So he tried to call you multiple times, but you never pick up? No wonder he lost some interest... You should expect him to talk to other women, just like you're allowed to message other guys. His excuse to end the conversation was lame, but a lot of people use that one online. In fact, I'm pretty sure some girls have used it on me.

 

Having said all that, I'm also not a fan of OLD. People in general are too flaky. Like it happens often to me that women just suddenly stop replying, or as in your case, the replies are getting shorter and you can tell they're not into it. I just try to let it go and move on to the next one

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MaleIntuition

Isn’t the point of exchanging numbers to move the conversation away from the dating platform towards a more personal communication method?

 

When he calls: it’s most likely to set up an actual date? Not answering- multiple times - makes you seem uninterested to move forward, and unless he is looking for a pen pale it makes sense to “move on” from his perspective.

 

You have never met and are neither first nor second choices. Right now you are mostly a bunch of pictures and vague ideas.

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Granted, they are or have been online, which means they're perusing or texting, but do remember that it might look like they're online, but they're not. I've left my browser open on the computer when I head off to bed or went to do other things, and I've heard people say here at LS that they think the apps might keep people "logged in" for an hour or so after they sign off or close the app. It is possible the guy went to bed.

 

Second, I think you're shooting yourself in the foot by not answering the phone. Part of this courting process is to move away from texting and the dating site. It's nice to hear their voice, sense of humor, tone, if you get along in real life, even though you have yet to meet. See if there's some chemistry. He could have wanted to talk in person and ask you out at that time, but you won't answer the phone, so I guess we'll never know if there was something there worth pursuing.

 

Accept the fact that people are on there to meet women/men, and are likely talking to more than one person, just like you are. You're not expressing much interest, so what do you want him to do?

 

Dating is a risk, and you kind of have to develop a thick skin and just enjoy the ride. Take a break once in awhile. If it's not for you, it's not for you, but you won't have the opportunity to meet the potential "one" if you don't put yourself out there a little bit and take a chance.

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All of your posts on this subject make clear that you're not in the right emotional headspace to be doing OLD. You're way too invested at a point when you really shouldn't be. Who cares if you're not someone's first choice when it really doesn't matter? The guys (emphasis on the plural, which means more than one) you pick aren't your first choice, either. Would you rather be the first choice of someone who is completely incompatible with you?

 

Expectations are resentments under construction. You need to check yours because they're making you bitter.

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It's amazing so many people are in relationships or married... I don't know how they do it.

It's by chance in my case. My husband and I had mutual friends, but we never hung out together. I only knew of him because he was at one time dating my best guy friend's sister. I saw him at my work (night club), liked what I saw, my friends helped me out with the rest bringing us together. :bunny::)

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So he tried to call you multiple times, but you never pick up? No wonder he lost some interest... You should expect him to talk to other women, just like you're allowed to message other guys. His excuse to end the conversation was lame, but a lot of people use that one online. In fact, I'm pretty sure some girls have used it on me.

 

Having said all that, I'm also not a fan of OLD. People in general are too flaky. Like it happens often to me that women just suddenly stop replying, or as in your case, the replies are getting shorter and you can tell they're not into it. I just try to let it go and move on to the next one

 

So basically you agree with me about OLD and have the same complaints yet you blame me for not answering the phone?

 

Incidentally I decided not to answer the phone AFTER I picked up on the fact that he was talking to someone else he's more interested in online, while brushing me off to get me out of the way. Re-read post.

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I know talking to multiple people online is somehow the universally accepted rule, but it is, in my opinion, the number one reason why it doesn't work.

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I know talking to multiple people online is somehow the universally accepted rule, but it is, in my opinion, the number one reason why it doesn't work.
I'll have to disagree with this. I found no success on OLD while talking to one woman at a time. When I started talking to and dating multiple women simultaneously, I started finding success.
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So basically you agree with me about OLD and have the same complaints yet you blame me for not answering the phone?

 

Incidentally I decided not to answer the phone AFTER I picked up on the fact that he was talking to someone else he's more interested in online, while brushing me off to get me out of the way. Re-read post.

 

First stop playing games. It isn't attractive. If you don't want to talk to him because you feel his interest level in you isn't high enough tell him so and then tell him you don't want anymore contact because of incompatibility. Also understand that people date around to find the one they like the best and yes dating is competition. Most people don't settle on the first person they date.

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I'll have to disagree with this. I found no success on OLD while talking to one woman at a time. When I started talking to and dating multiple women simultaneously, I started finding success.

 

Define success. Are you in a relationship? Married? Or even dating right now? I'm guessing not.

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Define success. Are you in a relationship? Married? Or even dating right now? I'm guessing not.
I'm in a 3.5 year relationship that started on OLD. I was multi-dating at the time I met her.
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Expectations are resentments under construction.

Thunk! That clobbered me! Good illustrative description kendahke, thanks!

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Also understand that people date around to find the one they like the best and yes dating is competition. Most people don't settle on the first person they date.

 

Who said anything about dates? Nothing ever gets that far.

 

There was a time when it only made sense to date one person at a time (IRL)and give the person an honest chance before moving on to the next. With online dating you're lucky if you can get someone to focus on you for five seconds before moving on to someone else.

 

I've had people confuse something someone else told them with what I told them... so the guy couldn't even remember who said what.

 

I think online dating is looked on as unfavorable by most. A time killer until they find someone in real life. Another reason it doesn't work. No one is really taking it seriously.

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Hi Fair,

thanks for starting this thread!

I've been single about 6 months, and am starting to look for dates again.

 

I feel your confusion over what to read or not read into anything/everything!

 

I'm signed up on a few dating websites, but am timid to even look at profiles after a couple odd online conversations. I chatted with a woman over a week or so, and maybe it's what you said - she couldn't keep straight who said what! She was the only one I was talking to, but her responses and references didn't work with anything we'd mentioned - I thought she was crazy. I bet she was just doing some sort of round-robin conversations though, and in the musical chairs I got stuck on the wrong one a few times ;)

 

In real life, I was just at the tire shop here and saw a cute woman, but I was talking to the tire guy, and after I left it occurred to me I should have introduced myself. Or should I? Am I a nuissance, or complimentary?

 

The best way to find out is to flirt and chat up women frequently, so I'm more practiced. It's also the perfect way to wear out my welcome.

 

I'm not stressed out about it, but it did occur to me that without practice, I'm not going to recognize and be smoother at my chances to meet someone. With practice, I will have made a few missteps, which means I've made some women uncomfortable which is how I'll know I've done it wrong. It's just a weird dynamic.

 

Ah well, could be worse. I like my job and ski season is starting, which is always fun :)

Edited by Sunlight72
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Still, he's been trying to call every two or three days because we got as far as exchanging phone numbers initially. But I won't answer the phone. Why take it any further when you already feel relegated to the back burner? Not very flattering.

 

He'd stop calling you if you really had the courage of your convictions (instead of the vanity of your pride) to answer and tell him to stop calling you and that you and he want two completely different things. That's what your actions are conveying.

 

Did you ever try talking to him on the phone instead of texting? Some people just don't like protracted texting adventures because that's not how they use the texting feature on their phone. They'd prefer conversations either in person or in a phone call. You might want to try that before passing judgement on them.

 

Now, I realize it's going to be rare to be anyone's "priority" on OLD.

 

No, it's not rare. It's non existent. Becoming a stranger's "priority" does not and should not happen until after at least 6-10 in-face meetings where you hear each other out on a myriad of subjects, find out how and what they think and believe and figure out if you can even stand to be in the same room with them. There is no way in hell anyone who is emotionally healthy is going to make someone they don't even know a "priority". That doesn't happen in the real world with emotionally healthy people.

 

OLD is for searching through a lot of people who, on the surface, meet your preferences--it's not for zeroing in on the first person you see and expecting them to be devoted to you. You're not going to be every man's preference on first sight--and you still may not be their preference once they get to know you; still, he doesn't owe you anything just because you can't keep your feelings in check.

 

Should I answer his calls? Or based on the fact he's always online chatting with someone else (seemingly) more than he ever does with me, be a deal breaker?

 

You should have been answering his calls long before now--it may have improved your odds. Chances are, he's chatting with someone who who will take his calls. Your game playing backfired on you.

 

At some point, you're going to figure out that the way you're approaching this time and time again is putting you further from what it is you claim you want.

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Who said anything about dates? Nothing ever gets that far.

 

There was a time when it only made sense to date one person at a time (IRL)and give the person an honest chance before moving on to the next. With online dating you're lucky if you can get someone to focus on you for five seconds before moving on to someone else.

 

I've had people confuse something someone else told them with what I told them... so the guy couldn't even remember who said what.

 

I think online dating is looked on as unfavorable by most. A time killer until they find someone in real life. Another reason it doesn't work. No one is really taking it seriously.

 

If online dating isn't successful for you then get out and meet men in person. Don't spend your wheels on something that isn't working for you.

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If online dating isn't successful for you then get out and meet men in person. Don't spend your wheels on something that isn't working for you.

 

It's not working for anybody. Everyone has the same opinion of it when they're not just out to win arguments on chat forums.

 

Plus if there were any available men around here that's what I would be doing instead.

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newyorker11356
It's not working for anybody. Everyone has the same opinion of it when they're not just out to win arguments on chat forums.

 

Plus if there were any available men around here that's what I would be doing instead.

 

A lot of marriages/relationships have happened from OLD, so clearly it does work.

 

It may not work for you, but to say it doesn't work for anybody is false.

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