Have I cheated?

[Newtoallofthis]

I suspect I have but would love to get some opinions on this and how to handle it.

 

I'll start by saying I'm 36, female and separated so kind of new to dating and this world after a decade long relationship.

 

I started dating in the summer. One guy (lets call him Guy A) was long distance and in a similar situation separation wise. We met twice and got on well but then he was away on an extended holiday for a month. We kept in touch and decided to see how we felt about seeing each other when he returned from his trip. Neither of us were wanting to rush into anything at that stage and happy to just go with the flow. When he got back we decided that the distance would be too tricky as neither of us were overly keen on a long distance relationship, but we would stay in touch and if he was ever in my area for business we'd meet up. I continued to casually date others but never met anyone I saw any real potential with.

 

A month ago I meet Guy B from tinder. We started dating and got on really well instantly. It feels like we've known each other a lot longer. We live an hour away from each other and usually see each other once during the week and once at the weekend. Things are going well. He told me he deleted his tinder profile. He has said how much he likes me.

 

Guy A was in my area for work yesterday and we decided to meet up for dinner and drinks. I think we both went with the intention of being friends only. However after drinks I ended up staying in his hotel and we fooled around somewhat.

 

I now feel terrible. Guy A has been on the scene albeit from a distance since the summer, and was the first guy I dated following my separation. It was almost like there was some unfinished business there as we hadnt seen each other since August although we do message every few days. The encounter with Guy A has made me realise just how much I like Guy B and want to pursue things with him alone. But the guilt is killing me already. I'm not sure if I should tell Guy B what happened so there's no secrets between us, or keep quiet. I have never ever cheated before. I'm not sure at what point we are considered to be exclusive and its cheating. We have both said we are no longer on tinder so I am thinking that I have cheated on Guy B.

 

What do I do? Come clean to relieve my guilt but with the knowledge it'll probably finish us? Stay quiet? I will never do anything like this again so I'm not worried that I will repeat this behaviour. I just feel so terrible...

[heavenonearth]

Have you explicitly communicated to each other that you are exclusive? He said he deleted his Tinder, but was that hand in hand with “i am not seeing other people!” And did you respond with the same?

 

I don’t think you cheated cheated. It’s a bit of a grey area. This guy is not your boyfriend. After a month, i think it’s too soon to tell. But it’s nice you figured out how much you like him now. Perhaps it’s a good time to have “the talk” and tell him that you don’t want to see other people and that you can imagine something concrete with him.

[PegNosePete]

It's all well and good saying "well we didn't say we were exclusive; no harm, no foul". Technically you'd be right but that doesn't calm your conscience. If you feel you have violated the trust of the new guy then you should probably say something, otherwise this will eat you up and could have devastating effect on your future relationship. There is no need to give details, though.

 

I would tell him something like: "look guy B (don't call him that though!), I want to be honest and up-front. Although you said you deleted your tinder profile, we never discussed exclusivity, and I was seeing others. But now I have decided I want to concentrate only on you."

[BluesPower]

I think i disagree with PNP...Which is unusual.

 

You are in the very beginning of a relationship with B. And, I am all for full disclosure in all most every situation.

 

If my GF asks if I slept with this girl or that girl, I tell her. It can be a little tense and somewhat embarrassing for me, but I really want this relationship to work. But I never ever give numbers and she is kind of over it by now anyway.

 

But in OP's situation, I just think it may make B upset, but what is the reason to do this?

 

And, I agree that this is kind of a gray area. But I really don't see a reason to tell B at this time. But it is defiantly time to have the talk with B.

 

Now, if you were going to date both then you would need to tell both with out a doubt.

 

I really do find it hard to believe that you did not actually sleep with A, that would be really hard for B or anyone to actually believe.

 

I say just let it go, and move on with B.

 

And I realize that I really may be skirting the edges of this situation and that is not really my style, but I just don't see the benefit.

 

If you cannot get over the guilt then I guess you will have to tell B, but it is going to change your relationship and I am not sure that it will be for the better.

[d0nnivain]

From a vocabulary perspective only, yes, you are cheating but not on A or B but with them both. If you are only separated you are legally & technically still married so to the exact letter you are cheating on your STBXH.

 

What you are doing with A & B is called multi-dating. Unless you promised one or the other that you would be exclusive with him, you aren't cheating. But what I think you learned is that you are not wired for multi-dating & prefer one on one.

[Newtoallofthis]

I've been thinking about this all day. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think Guy B is expecting exclusivity currently. So I have cheated.

 

I feel absolutely wracked with guilt and don't know what to do for the best.

 

Option 1, I tell him. I unburden the guilt but it will hurt him and I think we'll split. Or he forgives me but things are changed irreversibly between us.

 

Option 2, I don't tell him and try and live with the guilt.

 

Option 3, I end things with him without telling him. It'll hurt both of us.

 

I've been so stupid. I really shouldn't have gone and met Guy A again. The only thing that has come out of this ironically is how much I do want to be with Guy B, but I may have ruined things.

[d0nnivain]

Guy B's expectations don't control this. Your affirmative promises do. If he's operating under the assumption that you are exclusive, that was a risk he took. Since you seem like you now have affirmed that you want exclusivity with B, just give it to him & chalk your dalliance with A up as just that. No confession required. If B ever point blank asks you about A, don't lie but I don't see a reason to dredge all this up.

 

So my vote is a modified Option 2. Just jettison the guilt. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong.

Edited December 12, 2017 by d0nnivain

[some_username1]

It's all well and good saying "well we didn't say we were exclusive; no harm, no foul". Technically you'd be right but that doesn't calm your conscience. If you feel you have violated the trust of the new guy then you should probably say something, otherwise this will eat you up and could have devastating effect on your future relationship. There is no need to give details, though.

 

I would tell him something like: "look guy B (don't call him that though!), I want to be honest and up-front. Although you said you deleted your tinder profile, we never discussed exclusivity, and I was seeing others. But now I have decided I want to concentrate only on you."

 

If a woman I was dating said that (especially one I met on Tinder of all places) to me all sorts of alarm bells would be going off and I would be trying to get to the bottom of what prompted it in the first place, not to mention the "but *I* have decided that *I* only want to concentrate on you" sounds quite presumptuous in the context of why it is being said, like I should be grateful to have guy A's leftovers or something!

 

I think OP needs to think how she would feel if she heard that guy B had been in a hotel with a woman he has held a flame for for a few months, would it change her opinion of him? Would they still be dating afterwards? Would 'but we weren't exclusive!' make it all okay after they took their Tinder profiles down?

 

Only fair to hold yourself to the same standards that you hold everybody else.

[smackie9]

Put yourself in his shoes.....would you want to be told what happened? If you were told, how would you handle it? Would you dump him? Would you be happier not knowing since it was a one time thing?

[Newtoallofthis]

I think my gut is saying that if I tell him to unburden myself of the guilt, it will really hurt him. Whether we stay together or not, it'll be a negative, shi**y experience for him. I know he's had a fair bit of bad luck with dating in the past and think this might knock his confidence. It didnt happen because I was unhappy with him. It happened because I had too much to drink with a guy I had not really had closure with. I also think if I hadnt gone to meet Guy A he would always have been in the back of my mind, as a 'what if' because of our unusual dating situation, and it may have prevented me from committing to Guy B.

 

I'm not sure what benefit there would be to tell him, except that it would be getting it out in the open.

 

I think if roles were reversed, I wouldnt want to know at this stage in our relationship, provided it was an isolated incident and he was sure he wanted to be with me. I think it would be different if we were further down the line, had said 'I love you', met each other's family and were generally a fixture in each others lives. At this early stage we are still getting to know each other and things might fizzle out naturally in time in any case.

 

Thats not to say I think what I have done is right in any way, and I literally feel sick with guilt. But I cant see what telling him would achieve.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[Imajerk17]

This is what I am taking is the abridged version of your story OP.

 

1. You had met someone a month ago--Guy B in your story. And things have been going well.

 

2. HE (Guy B) had told you that he is dating only you exclusively. You had not expressed likewise though because at the time you weren't ready.

 

3. You then go on a date with another guy, someone you had been seeing for a bit before--Guy A in your story. This is your prerogative, because you didn't agree to see Guy B exclusively. Just because HE (Guy B) had been ready to be exclusive doesn't mean YOU had to be ready. Guy B's wish is not your command.

 

4. You realize after your date with Guy A that you DO want to see Guy B exclusively.

 

So, I'm not seeing how you did anything wrong here OP. You have every right to take your time before deciding to become exclusive with someone else, and that is what you did. (As mentioned before, just because your partner is ready to become exclusive before you are, doesn't mean you "owe" him exclusiveness back before you are ready to agree to it.)

 

So let this be, no need to say anything, it's no one else's business. You did nothing wrong.

 

 

Of course, it would be a completely different story if you agreed to be exclusive with Guy B and THEN you met up with Guy A. But that is not what happened here.

Edited December 12, 2017 by Imajerk17

[snowboy91]

I've been in the situation of Guy B before with my current GF. Before we were exclusive we were FWB, she "cuddled" someone else. I'd only found out about 4 months after we decided to date properly.

 

I know it's a grey area so I let it slide. I'd be more concerned with what happens after the exclusivity talk. That's just my interpretation, not everyone feels the same way about it. You can't predict how guy B is going to react, so if it clears your conscience then I'd tell him but choose your words with care.

[some_username1]

I get the not exclusive thing, but the problem is thst rug sweeping it amd writing off the other person's feelings about this is not a good strategy in the long run. You can do a thread search and it will throw up a number of similar scenarios where the guy (eventually) found out and exclusive or not their reaction was not good!

 

It sounds like he is quite keen so in my opinion full transparency is the best way. I think your situation is complicated by the fact that whilst exclusivity was not discussed neither was he explicitly told that you are dating other people either. What kind of relationship do you have anyway if he thinks you have spent all this time at home thinking of him when you were really 'multi-dating'?

 

Sorry to be so tough on you OP, but this situation isn't as simple as 'we weren't exclusive! LOL ' there are two people's feelings to consider not just your own and the threads on this board should serve as a warning of what happens if you just leave it. A snowball turns into an avalanche.

 

Either way, good luck however you decide to handle it.

[MsJayne]

Don't rock the boat. Get rid of Guy A and wipe him from your memory banks, and don't bother maintaining any contact with him. He's just someone you met, he's not important. Guy B is important. If you tell Guy B about Guy A all you will do is introduce mistrust and resentment to what you've begun to build, and if you're not normally a person who does the dirty then it's inconsequential and just a silly mistake you made.

[phineas]

the whole "well we aren't exclusive" is a cop-out.

you have been seeing him for a month, twice a week.

At this point you both have an idea on where it's going.

I assume you are sleeping with him?

 

how would you feel if he was out seeing other women?

"fooling around somewhat" with them?

would you not care because ya know, you aren't exclusive?