Kelliousme Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Greetings all, For the past month and a half I've been talking/hanging out with this guy I met at school. We have a lot in common and have been texting nonstop. I didn't know if he liked me or not, but I'm sure he was interested because otherwise he wouldn't be offering to drive me home or offer to drive me somewhere I needed to go. Several times he asked me if I liked him, and I did tell him I had feelings for him. However, I didn't want to express my feelings because he never told me how he felt. Then one day we had a conversation and we found out we were 15 years apart in age. He thought I was several years older than I am and I thought he was several years younger than he is. It was seriously really shocking. He continued to ask me how I felt about him. He kept asking "Honestly I want to know how you feel about me". At that moment I was still in shock so I didn't know what to say so I asked if he liked me. He responded with "I'm a little too old for you". What did he want me say? That it doesn't matter? I felt as if he was backing off because of the age gap. To not embarrass myself my instinct was to back off as well. So we pretty much stopped talking ever since and it has been eating me inside. I genuinely liked this guy and we had so much in common. The age gap didn't bother me but I was afraid he doesn't want to date someone that much younger than him. I'm wondering would things have been different if I told him it didn't matter? If I didn't chicken off and went into defense mode Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Usually one potential pitfall of age gaps is lack of things in common. That apparently didn't happen here. Things were cool until the driver's license swap IMO, and I've always felt this way, if both parties are adults it's all good. People are individuals. We each choose how we view age. I happened to marry someone close in age but dated up and down and, of my partners, the youngest was 13 years younger and the oldest was 9 years older. No regrets with any of them. Regardless of endings, good people and, at the time, good fits. If he backed off, cool, that's a choice. Accept it. People make choices. We can find someone attractive or even love them and make a choice to let that go. Part of being human. Complex creatures we are. I'd let it ride and leave the door open for a change of mind/heart. Of course accept dates from other guys you like. The right one for you will rise to the top. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I agree with carhill. Look how great you two got along before the age was dropped? That being said, there are social conventions that, let's face it, matter to people...some more than others. I have found the age gaps matter less the older you two are. But if you're 18 and he's 30, he may feel awkward about it. But it really shouldn't matter. My personal advice is if you have lingering doubts, to reach out and let him know it doesn't matter to you. Then see what he says... PS: If a guy is texting you non-stop, he likes you. Most men are not going to do that with a woman if there is no interest. On another note though, its kind of desperate sounding for him to keep asking if you like him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 On another note though, its kind of desperate sounding for him to keep asking if you like him. ^^ yeah, there is something peculiar about that. Its like he has low self esteem or something. if you two have been texting non-stop as you claim and even went so far as to state your have feelings for each other, what more convincing does he need? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 You say you met him at school. How? If he's a visiting professor, even if he's not yours, I can see why this is a bad plan. If he's a fellow student, I suppose you could try to make it work. If you like him & think your disconnect was from a temporary moment of shock, reach out & ask to talk. Apologize for being shocked & ask to meet so you can really talk about the logistics of trying to make it work. If you are at the same life stages this could potentially work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 It was seriously really shocking. He continued to ask me how I felt about him. He kept asking "Honestly I want to know how you feel about me". At that moment I was still in shock so I didn't know what to say so I asked if he liked me. He asked you because he wants to know if it is still 'okay' to be interested. From his point of view, you're the one who is more likely to be losing interest what with him being older, and he doesn't want to come across as a creepy old man, so he needs your affirmation of continued interest first. He didn't get it, so assumed the age gap freaked you out and he backed off in order not to be 'that guy'. I wouldn't mind betting that if you'd been more dismissive of the age gap, he'd have been willing to give things a go. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 How old are you and how old is he? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 From his point of view, you're the one who is more likely to be losing interest what with him being older, and he doesn't want to come across as a creepy old man, so he needs your affirmation of continued interest first. He didn't get it, so assumed the age gap freaked you out and he backed off in order not to be 'that guy'. ^ This. Men who value their reputation in the community and professional circles have to be careful about this. Fifteen years is usually seen as acceptable for older folks as it's less difference on a percentage basis, but if you're twenty-two and he's thirty-seven, some are going to see it as inappropriate. So there at least needs to be the understanding that he's not pursuing against resistance. I like dating younger. Whenever I meet someone online with that much difference, I bring it up in the first few messages and allow them to say either that they're into it or it doesn't matter. I don't want it being used later to imply I was pursuing inappropriately... and I certainly don't want to waste her time or my effort if she sees it as an issue. I think the ball is in your court. You need to contact him and tell him that you're still interested. What are your respective ages? Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Difficult to assess if we don’t know how old you two are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelliousme Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 He asked you because he wants to know if it is still 'okay' to be interested. From his point of view, you're the one who is more likely to be losing interest what with him being older, and he doesn't want to come across as a creepy old man, so he needs your affirmation of continued interest first. He didn't get it, so assumed the age gap freaked you out and he backed off in order not to be 'that guy'. I wouldn't mind betting that if you'd been more dismissive of the age gap, he'd have been willing to give things a go. Thanks for all the responses! I've thought about that too. Because he still continued to ask if I liked him. But from my perspective I was shocked and afraid that he'd lose interest since I am 15 years younger. I'm 25 and he's about to turn 40. Keep in mind, this guy never told me he liked me. I figured he did because he wouldn't go out of his way for me if he didn't. But after finding out the age difference that day I asked if he is doing it because he's interested or if he's just doing it as a friend, he said "Friends or whatever. We can be whatever you want us to be. Anything is fine with me." What the heck does that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 It means he's letting you drive the bus. Given the significant age gap & the life-stage difference he doesn't want to be the creepy old man who unduly pressured the naïve young girl. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 The age gap will be an issue later, because his friends and your friends will have nothing in common. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 You say you met him at school. How? I'm also interested in the answer to d0nnivain's question 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Thanks for all the responses! I've thought about that too. Because he still continued to ask if I liked him. But from my perspective I was shocked and afraid that he'd lose interest since I am 15 years younger. I'm 25 and he's about to turn 40. Keep in mind, this guy never told me he liked me. I figured he did because he wouldn't go out of his way for me if he didn't. But after finding out the age difference that day I asked if he is doing it because he's interested or if he's just doing it as a friend, he said "Friends or whatever. We can be whatever you want us to be. Anything is fine with me." What the heck does that mean? Is he your professor? If so, I would probably not go forward, but it would explain why he is so paranoid about asking you what you think about him. 25 and 40 would not be creepy, but I think the main thing is you would have different levels of life experience. At 25, you are barely wet behind the ears, whereas most 40 year old men will be solidly in a career and have a lot more life experience. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I would definitely question the integrity of some 40yo guy sniffing around students. Yes he is all about being "shocked" and backing off and leaving it all in the OPs court, but I guess that is just a ruse to make him seem like a "nicer guy" than he actually is... He in effect groomed the OP. OP be careful he is probably married or a player... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelliousme Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 Is he your professor? If so, I would probably not go forward, but it would explain why he is so paranoid about asking you what you think about him. 25 and 40 would not be creepy, but I think the main thing is you would have different levels of life experience. At 25, you are barely wet behind the ears, whereas most 40 year old men will be solidly in a career and have a lot more life experience. No he is not my professor. Sorry for the confusion guys, I didn't think the small detail mattered. But we're both in a music/performing school. I met him at my campus and I guess I look older than I am. He knew that we had a somewhat big age gap, but he was shocked to find out it was 15 years apart. I freaked out because he kept apologizing for not knowing how old I was. To me, when he apologized it meant if he knew I was this young he wouldn't have been interested. This guy is a really nice person. But I'm so afraid to initiate contact again because it seems like he's not interested anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 No he is not my professor. Sorry for the confusion guys, I didn't think the small detail mattered. But we're both in a music/performing school. I met him at my campus and I guess I look older than I am. He knew that we had a somewhat big age gap, but he was shocked to find out it was 15 years apart. I freaked out because he kept apologizing for not knowing how old I was. To me, when he apologized it meant if he knew I was this young he wouldn't have been interested. This guy is a really nice person. But I'm so afraid to initiate contact again because it seems like he's not interested anymore. We still don’t know the age difference. So it is still hard to say if the age difference is weird or not. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 We still don’t know the age difference. So it is still hard to say if the age difference is weird or not. From OP in her #1 post: Then one day we had a conversation and we found out we were 15 years apart in age. and her #16 post: He knew that we had a somewhat big age gap, but he was shocked to find out it was 15 years apart. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 we still don’t know the age difference. So it is still hard to say if the age difference is weird or not. i'm 25 and he's about to turn 40. #10 .................... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I remember going to night school in my 20's with a smattering of shop and academic classes and ended up in this polisci study group with this heavenly late 30's lady who apparently had divorced and was going back to college to get a degree. This was 30 some years ago. People of all ages go to college. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I would definitely question the integrity of some 40yo guy sniffing around students. Yes he is all about being "shocked" and backing off and leaving it all in the OPs court, but I guess that is just a ruse to make him seem like a "nicer guy" than he actually is... He in effect groomed the OP. OP be careful he is probably married or a player... You have such a narrow one track mind. It could be nothing of the sort. I had a very similar situation very recently and I groomed her for absolutely nothing at all. I really genuinely liked her a lot . I had no weird master plan or seductive plan. I just ended it because it was getting too intense for me and I knew there was no way in hell I was ever going to drop my family and ride off into the sunset with her. Anyways, OP. It could very well be what others have said that he is letting you ride the reins as he is worried to come across as some sort of creepy old dude chasing very young women. But what concerns me is that he is constantly asking for confirmation that you really like him and can't see to understand it. It's sounds a little weird. Like he has super low self esteem. It would never occur to me to dwell forever as to why a 25 year old adult female likes me. It would dwell on it if it was a 15 or 16 year old. But not 25. Hell, you are half way to your 30s ... You aren't a teenager. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 I asked if he is doing it because he's interested or if he's just doing it as a friend, he said "Friends or whatever. We can be whatever you want us to be. Anything is fine with me." What the heck does that mean? It means he is interested, but you have to make the first move. He is not going to admit it because he doesn't want to look like he's creeping on a younger girl. Further discussions with him aren't going to get you any clear answers. And it's just as well, because if you don't have the maturity to be able to make the first move and show interest here - and I mean directly telling him, not subtle hints - then you don't have the maturity to date a 40 year old guy either. The ball is in your court. Do with it what you will Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelliousme Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 It means he is interested, but you have to make the first move. He is not going to admit it because he doesn't want to look like he's creeping on a younger girl. Further discussions with him aren't going to get you any clear answers. And it's just as well, because if you don't have the maturity to be able to make the first move and show interest here - and I mean directly telling him, not subtle hints - then you don't have the maturity to date a 40 year old guy either. The ball is in your court. Do with it what you will Thanks for the advice all! I guess I should look from his perspective as well. Typically I initiate text and make the first move. Most of the times I suggest to go somewhere, and he just says OK. This was before the age bomb was dropped though. Is that why he kept asking how I felt? Because he wanted a DIRECT answer such as "I don't mind the age difference, I like you, be my boyfriend"? I've never been that direct and never thought it needed to be. I'm afraid of him giving me the cold shoulder after what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 ...a DIRECT answer such as "I don't mind the age difference, I like you, be my boyfriend"? There would be nothing wrong with saying "I don't mind the age difference, and I like you," whether he asked or not. This is how you open doors. You wouldn't be giving up anything, you'd be enabling possibility. I've never been that direct and never thought it needed to be. As has been said several times already, you need to green-light this to remove the risk of him being judged harshly. A couple of years ago I heard through a third party that a [much] younger women I knew through work had a crush on me. I liked her too. After I heard that I flirted a little and tried to let her know that I was game. What she didn't realize though, was that for me it would've been a huge risk to make a move... but there was not any risk for her because she was the younger woman, not the older man hitting on a younger woman. You have to green-light him in a way that can't be misunderstood in order to make it socially acceptable. I'm afraid of him giving me the cold shoulder after what happened. Pfffft. You know he likes you. Did I miss something key? You're creating imaginary walls. If all you're afraid of is rejection... well, just get over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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