Jump to content

A good first date, but a potential red flag?


Sm12345

Recommended Posts

I (36 M) went on a date with someone (27 F) I met off Bumble. We had originally intended to meet for coffee yesterday afternoon, but an unexpected family visit caused us to reschedule.

 

This afternoon we took her dog to the dog park near my place, and intended to go for coffee after, but she didn’t want to leave her dog in the car or drop him off, so she invited me back to her place to watch a movie (convenient eh?)

 

She wasn’t overly affectionate and I wasn’t sure what this whole situation was, but she opened up a little more and in turn, so did I.

 

We had originally spoken about our respective relationships and she had mentioned she wasn’t sure if she was completely over her ex. He ended things with her, and said something along the lines of “After just over a year, he realized he didn’t love me anymore..”

 

All this is fine, I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’m just recently doing the whole nc thing (90 days last week), but I’m noticing we have a lot in common. She’s actually from the same area where my parents live now, and we both have the same career background (design/marketing.)

 

What I noticed though, after we’d gotten comfortable with each other and were more cuddly on her couch, is that she mentioned a few guys she’s been seeing. I’m seeing other people too, but I didn’t feel the need to mention them. What she was mentioning however, was that they all seem to be clueless when it comes to sex/treating women. Perhaps it was meant to be a compliment to me, but it still seemed a bit unnecessary.

 

For instance, she mentioned “I was seeing a guy last week, but I might not see him again. He wasn’t able to take social clues, and was really awkward about our interactions.” Or “I was seeing this one guy, but he was really pushy about inviting himself over. I might’ve slept with him if he was more patient.”

 

Maybe it’s a maturity thing, or she’s inexperienced in a relationship.. Thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
some_username1

Ah, the old 'throw your competition in your face'. A classic move.

 

You could read into those comments any one of a number of things but I don't think it would be worth your time to do so. Concentrate on the fact that she discussed other men she is dating with you at all and even worse it sounds like she was the one that brought it up first place. Based on my previous experience having dated girls that do this I would say it is a red flag. Keep her as a side-piece until she proves she is worth taking seriously.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We fooled around and she complimented my technique (kissing, etc), so perhaps it was a point of comparison. But I still don’t think when you’re hanging out on the couch with someone you’re interested in enough to invite over, that it’s the best time to mention other people you’re seeing (negatively or positively.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
some_username1
I (36 M) went on a date with someone (27 F) I met off Bumble. We had originally intended to meet for coffee yesterday afternoon, but an unexpected family visit caused us to reschedule.

 

This afternoon we took her dog to the dog park near my place, and intended to go for coffee after, but she didn’t want to leave her dog in the car or drop him off, so she invited me back to her place to watch a movie (convenient eh?)

 

She wasn’t overly affectionate and I wasn’t sure what this whole situation was, but she opened up a little more and in turn, so did I.

 

We had originally spoken about our respective relationships and she had mentioned she wasn’t sure if she was completely over her ex. He ended things with her, and said something along the lines of “After just over a year, he realized he didn’t love me anymore..”

 

All this is fine, I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’m just recently doing the whole nc thing (90 days last week), but I’m noticing we have a lot in common. She’s actually from the same area where my parents live now, and we both have the same career background (design/marketing.)

 

What I noticed though, after we’d gotten comfortable with each other and were more cuddly on her couch, is that she mentioned a few guys she’s been seeing. I’m seeing other people too, but I didn’t feel the need to mention them. What she was mentioning however, was that they all seem to be clueless when it comes to sex/treating women. Perhaps it was meant to be a compliment to me, but it still seemed a bit unnecessary.

 

For instance, she mentioned “I was seeing a guy last week, but I might not see him again. He wasn’t able to take social clues, and was really awkward about our interactions.” Or “I was seeing this one guy, but he was really pushy about inviting himself over. I might’ve slept with him if he was more patient.”

 

Maybe it’s a maturity thing, or she’s inexperienced in a relationship.. Thoughts?

 

To pick up on this bit specifically- no you wouldn't feel the need to mention them and neither would most people because it is a pretty dumb strategy to use with anyone we are genuinely interested in. The celebrity crush comparison is a bit trite....but it also does fit quite well in this case, ie do you think she would tell Brad Pitt about others that she is dating? I would doubt it. For me actively bringing up other men and telling you she would have slept with them but for 'x' condition is either very naive (I don't think she is young enough to be *that* naive) or a sign that she is not invested enough to care what you think.....yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

I for one do not discuss things about my past with the guys I may be out on a date with (OLD or not). Sometimes yes, should you meet on OLD one will ask the other if they had had a lot of luck with it, have you met others on it, etc. I tell them now "Yes, a few people", but I don't share a horror story unless it's a real horror story - And I have had a few of them like everyone else.

 

But in this case, I think she's telling you that she's not all that serious about you or anyone else at this moment. I would ... Step lively with her. Keep your options open.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

The red flag for me would be the fact that she invited a virtual stranger back to her house and was cuddly on the first date...

 

And, the fact that she's got several fish in the pan.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
The red flag for me would be the fact that she invited a virtual stranger back to her house and was cuddly on the first date...

 

And, the fact that she's got several fish in the pan.

 

Is that the red flag? or is it the OP tolerated it

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is that the red flag? or is it the OP tolerated it

 

Both.

 

As a woman, this is just not a very safe thing to do. It shows poor judgment and boundaries....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The red flag for me would be the fact that she invited a virtual stranger back to her house and was cuddly on the first date...

 

And, the fact that she's got several fish in the pan.

Exactly. It made me wonder how many other guys she had on the go.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

she told you....that's bull****e.

she is a validation girl.

 

don't call her, or text her for a week...watch her panic

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
she told you....that's bull****e.

she is a validation girl.

 

don't call her, or text her for a week...watch her panic

A validation girl? I’m not sure what that is?

Link to post
Share on other sites

she is bad news for you.

 

 

your sittin here why. stop it.

 

 

if she had on I-ota of give a ****e for you, you would know it

 

You see, shes playing you

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Extremely poor boundaries, and a deal breaker for me. I would have said something.

Like what? What sort of comment does a person make on a first date? We aren’t exclusive, and she’s told me she’s only looking for something casual right now because she isn’t over her ex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Like what? What sort of comment does a person make on a first date? We aren’t exclusive, and she’s told me she’s only looking for something casual right now because she isn’t over her ex.

 

Knowing myself, I'd probably say "do you always talk about other guys you're dating on first dates, or am I just the lucky one?" Or something to that effect... I don't really mince words when it comes to that behavior. And I don't think I'd be into a second date with a gal like that. She seems clueless.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I sent her this message:

 

"I’m all about communication, but we’ve only hung out once, so I’m going to keep this brief.

 

I was a little put off this afternoon when you mentioned other guys you’re seeing. I assumed you were, and I’m seeing other people too, but it’s not necessary to mention. There’s a line that’s relevant to our past histories and that’s beyond it.

 

I had a good time this afternoon, and after this message if you’re open to it, I’d be more than happy to see you again, so I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’d like to meet someone I can be completely vulnerable with and when I hear stuff like that it totally kills the vibe for me."

 

It might’ve been a bit harsh, but I felt like it shouldn’t need to be said to someone with good character/maturity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I sent her this message:

 

"I’m all about communication, but we’ve only hung out once, so I’m going to keep this brief.

 

I was a little put off this afternoon when you mentioned other guys you’re seeing. I assumed you were, and I’m seeing other people too, but it’s not necessary to mention. There’s a line that’s relevant to our past histories and that’s beyond it.

 

I had a good time this afternoon, and after this message if you’re open to it, I’d be more than happy to see you again, so I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’d like to meet someone I can be completely vulnerable with and when I hear stuff like that it totally kills the vibe for me."

 

It might’ve been a bit harsh, but I felt like it shouldn’t need to be said to someone with good character/maturity.

 

Well, I'll be interested to see if you hear from her again...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Like what? What sort of comment does a person make on a first date? We aren’t exclusive, and she’s told me she’s only looking for something casual right now because she isn’t over her ex.

 

I'd tell her I'm not the night janitor. I don't clean up after other men.... this is why I simply hate multi - dating...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
some_username1

That is why it is an awful scenario to have play out, especially when you like the girl who said it because on the face of it there is no 'right' answer. In other words every way you react could create a negative reaction from the girl.

 

You put your foot down and tell her that it isn't cool/won't stand for it and it shows her she has got you rattled/knows that you care or you are 'controlling'.

 

You try and be all cool about it and she can think that you are a pushover and you will put up with any old disrespect she throws at you.

 

If there IS a best way to respond I would think it would be to be cool and up the ante- tell her about all the people you are dating although if you aren't telling the truth or don't deliver it perfectly it could come off as quite contrived. But then you are playing games like her....

 

Either way I think the ultimate take away (which it seems others agree on) is that any girl who tells you this is not gf material and most likely not interested. Keep her on rotation in the bull pen until your options improve.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's certainly a bit weird and strange that she spoke about other guys like that, but she's 27 perhaps doesn't consider it a big deal or no one has told her otherwise.

 

In my opinion if you want to see her again go for it and don't say anything about what happened. If she bring the subject up again then just say to her that you find it a bit odd she's speaking about other guys and you'd prefer if she didn't.

 

I wouldn't write her off immediately if you liked her. People can be a bit rough round the edges if they're not totally over someone else and are still in the process of finding themselves, and she was honest with you about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
...she’s told me she’s only looking for something casual right now because she isn’t over her ex.

 

So why are you getting all heavy here?

She is playing the field and so are you.

She has made it perfectly plain she is not looking for a bf, so she put her cards on the table.

 

Fine for the OP to be seeing other women ("keep her on rotation the bull pen") and keep it hidden that he is doing so, but somehow it is NOT right and a bad character trait for a woman to be honest and admit to seeing other men...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

yeah i wouldnt like to hear she is dating other people or even bringing them up keep that information to yourself we all just assume people are multi dating anyway cant really take anyone serious anymore

Link to post
Share on other sites
I sent her this message:

 

"I’m all about communication, but we’ve only hung out once, so I’m going to keep this brief.

 

I was a little put off this afternoon when you mentioned other guys you’re seeing. I assumed you were, and I’m seeing other people too, but it’s not necessary to mention. There’s a line that’s relevant to our past histories and that’s beyond it.

 

I had a good time this afternoon, and after this message if you’re open to it, I’d be more than happy to see you again, so I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’d like to meet someone I can be completely vulnerable with and when I hear stuff like that it totally kills the vibe for me."

 

It might’ve been a bit harsh, but I felt like it shouldn’t need to be said to someone with good character/maturity.

 

I find what she said classless, but this note to her wasn’t the right move.

 

First, you tell her you want to be vulnerable- that’s a feminine trait and most women want strong men.

 

Moreover, she is being honest with you about who she is and you are telling her not to. Why? You are trying to make her into something she is not. She’s a perfect FB/FWB to keep you in check while you find a girl who is worth keeping.

 

This is why I let women just talk. You find out so much about them that could otherwise have been missed if you are enamored with their looks.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got limits as well but this girl is showing you she has no class and giving you clues on how to bed her. All the while she is telling you she is not gf material.

 

Curious if she responds.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...