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What is this passive aggressive jealousy thing?


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Old 11th December 2017, 12:14 PM   #31
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If it had been me I would have told my bf about my dinner and update him on the latest about my male friend but I would not have shown him a selfie of us just to be sensitive toward my bf. I know men don't like these opposite-sex friendships even if they play cool on the surface so I would not turn the knife in the wound by showing him pictures of my male friend and I cheek to cheek.
We were not cheek to cheek!! He was sitting at the other side of the table!!
And my BF asked which friend it was and I said my friend *so and so* and then showed the photo, said "this guy"!
And I did not update him because he was at the concert, we did not communicate during the 4 hours he was gone, he was with his cousin and they were catching up. I tend to not bother him when he's out with friends.
Also, to be honest, I thought that if I write him "Meeting *soandso* for dinner now", and he would have read it, he may have gotten jealous right there at the concert and not enjoyed his time as much? I don't know, I feel there is no way to do it right. :/
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Old 11th December 2017, 12:29 PM   #32
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We were not cheek to cheek!! He was sitting at the other side of the table!!
And my BF asked which friend it was and I said my friend *so and so* and then showed the photo, said "this guy"!
And I did not update him because he was at the concert, we did not communicate during the 4 hours he was gone, he was with his cousin and they were catching up. I tend to not bother him when he's out with friends.
Also, to be honest, I thought that if I write him "Meeting *soandso* for dinner now", and he would have read it, he may have gotten jealous right there at the concert and not enjoyed his time as much? I don't know, I feel there is no way to do it right. :/
No no no, I did not mean to update him while your bf is at the concert! Noway. I mean after the concert when you get together you tell him about your dinner and things you and your friend spoke about but not as you reporting to him, just as you telling your bf you enjoyed debating over common stuff with your friend.
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Old 11th December 2017, 12:32 PM   #33
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No no no, I did not mean to update him while your bf is at the concert! Noway. I mean after the concert when you get together you tell him about your dinner and things you and your friend spoke about but not as you reporting to him, just as you telling your bf you enjoyed debating over common stuff with your friend.
Yeah that's what I did.
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Old 14th December 2017, 1:19 AM   #34
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Passive aggressive behavior creates repeat problems. I suggest that If you had the problem once, and you aren’t direct with the person to stop it from happening the first time, it will only and always happen again, better prevent it.
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:58 PM   #35
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Reading through the thread, there is clearly a difference in how you and your BF interpret your platonic friendship. You see him as a brother, and you have your own sense of autonomy that will kick in even if he was interested. On the other hand, your BF doesn't see it that way because all he sees is you guys playing music and catching up for dinner. On top of that, you've only been together 6 months so he has very limited information to be absolutely comfortable with your friendship.

I might have missed it somewhere in the thread, but does your friend sometimes hang out or join in activities with you and your BF? If he can see the way you interact with each other he may gradually become more comfortable. Talking to your BF about what you do and chat about with your friend is also helpful. Give him enough reason to trust you, and he will.
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Old 14th December 2017, 8:09 PM   #36
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Passive aggressive behavior creates repeat problems. I suggest that If you had the problem once, and you aren’t direct with the person to stop it from happening the first time, it will only and always happen again, better prevent it.
You are right. It happened again last night. This time not because of jealousy though.

I feel it’s hard to change a person at his age. It’s probably a bad habit that he’s been nurturing for decades. Probably the only solution to this is really how i approach it from my side and how i react to it.
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Old 14th December 2017, 8:11 PM   #37
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Reading through the thread, there is clearly a difference in how you and your BF interpret your platonic friendship. You see him as a brother, and you have your own sense of autonomy that will kick in even if he was interested. On the other hand, your BF doesn't see it that way because all he sees is you guys playing music and catching up for dinner. On top of that, you've only been together 6 months so he has very limited information to be absolutely comfortable with your friendship.

I might have missed it somewhere in the thread, but does your friend sometimes hang out or join in activities with you and your BF? If he can see the way you interact with each other he may gradually become more comfortable. Talking to your BF about what you do and chat about with your friend is also helpful. Give him enough reason to trust you, and he will.
Nah they never met. I don’t know if they’d get along. My boyfriend is 11 years older than this kid. Also, we have not spent any time in group settings yet.
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Old 14th December 2017, 9:00 PM   #38
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Isn't your bf like 38 or so? He's not THAT old, and honestly, if you're over 30 - you should be sort of on the same mindset.

It is something else I think: he's just getting comfortable around you and showing his actual character. You may be able to tolerate it, or not - but it is a good time to observe and get a better idea what he's actually like.


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You are right. It happened again last night. This time not because of jealousy though.

I feel it’s hard to change a person at his age. It’s probably a bad habit that he’s been nurturing for decades. Probably the only solution to this is really how i approach it from my side and how i react to it.
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Old 14th December 2017, 9:07 PM   #39
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Isn't your bf like 38 or so? He's not THAT old, and honestly, if you're over 30 - you should be sort of on the same mindset.

It is something else I think: he's just getting comfortable around you and showing his actual character. You may be able to tolerate it, or not - but it is a good time to observe and get a better idea what he's actually like.
True. Is there a certain time frame in which people show 'their true selves' in relationships? Perhaps we have now hit that at 6 months.

Yes he is 38, I am 30.

I think I can tolerate it, after all, I have experienced much much worse with partners, and he really is the best one I have ever had. Overall a lot of harmony and mutual respect, which is important to me.
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Old 14th December 2017, 10:58 PM   #40
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It depends on the person but usually around 6 months things get real. Sometimes earlier or later but usually around then.

You can probably talk about things that bother him. As he opens up he'd become less passive-aggressive.

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True. Is there a certain time frame in which people show 'their true selves' in relationships? Perhaps we have now hit that at 6 months.

Yes he is 38, I am 30.

I think I can tolerate it, after all, I have experienced much much worse with partners, and he really is the best one I have ever had. Overall a lot of harmony and mutual respect, which is important to me.
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Old 14th December 2017, 11:57 PM   #41
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You are right. It happened again last night. This time not because of jealousy though.

I feel it’s hard to change a person at his age. It’s probably a bad habit that he’s been nurturing for decades. Probably the only solution to this is really how i approach it from my side and how i react to it.
What happened last night? And how did you handle it?
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Old 15th December 2017, 12:21 AM   #42
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Nah they never met. I don’t know if they’d get along. My boyfriend is 11 years older than this kid. Also, we have not spent any time in group settings yet.
This friend is a part of your life, and your BF should also be a part of that. It's only fair for you to show your BF this part of your life, even if their interests are very different. Besides, you never know, they might just click! Don't be pessimistic

If you're hiding parts of your lives from each other (especially people) that's not a good thing IMO. I don't feel you're intentionally trying to hide your friend from your BF but from his perspective, the fact he knows very little about this guy that his GF is meeting a lot would come across as a red flag.
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Old 15th December 2017, 6:38 AM   #43
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This friend is a part of your life, and your BF should also be a part of that. It's only fair for you to show your BF this part of your life, even if their interests are very different. Besides, you never know, they might just click! Don't be pessimistic

If you're hiding parts of your lives from each other (especially people) that's not a good thing IMO. I don't feel you're intentionally trying to hide your friend from your BF but from his perspective, the fact he knows very little about this guy that his GF is meeting a lot would come across as a red flag.
I am not hiding anyone, we just haven't gotten around meeting each other's friends yet!
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Old 24th December 2017, 4:05 PM   #44
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Try to keep in mind, there are many stereotypes about men and it’s not just women who believe them. Much of the behavior of the male stereotypes is true but I believe, it’s the reasons and/or emotions that are associated with the behaviors which are typically wrong .

Your boyfriend probably feels, for whatever his reasons, (maybe his intuition, yes we men have intuition too and maybe he’s insecure or any of a hundred other possibilities) that this male friend is a threat. It’s not about trusting you, as much as he doesn’t trust your friend.

Now, you’re “progressive” boyfriend is stuck in an awkward situation. If he says he’s uncomfortable, then he feels as though he comes across as jealous (because on some level, he is) and from your perspective he has no reason to be.

How does he explain himself and why he’s jealous when you’re probably just going to tell him, “he’s just a friend…”. If he’s uncomfortable with his own feelings about the situation, how can he help you understand? (I’m not saying you won’t understand, I’m saying he doesn’t know how to explain it to you)

So now, he’s in an awkward position. He’s unsure of how to explain his feelings (we men are typically very stunted this way). So, he uses a behavior that served him well in the past (this is not a conscious thought process), in an effort to communicate to you how he feels.

And, while you may not like how he went about it, you most certainly know how he feels or you wouldn’t have written your original post.

So, now you have a pretty good idea of the why. The real question is: How can you go about talking it out with him and at the same time make him feel safe enough to open up to you and tell you how he feels?

Remember, most men are not comfortable talking about their emotions. Men are supposed to be strong and not show their emotions, especially something like jealousy.(not saying I agree with this, it is how society expects men to behave, at least for now)

Without knowing your man, it’s hard to say how to approach this. My best advice…

Ask him…gently…

Something like, honey…I noticed you seemed a little uncomfortable when I went out with my male friend (or male friends) and I totally get it. Men can be such horn dog and most just want to get into a woman’s pants. If that’s what makes you uncomfortable I understand…unless…it’s something else…
You may want to preface it with how much you love how open and honest you each are in your relationship…

Obviously use your own words.

It’s hard for us as men to admit a weakness to the woman we love, regardless of what that weakness is. To get him to open up, he needs to feel safe and even then it’s hard and scary for us.

I hope this helps and good luck.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:34 PM   #45
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Try to keep in mind, there are many stereotypes about men and it’s not just women who believe them. Much of the behavior of the male stereotypes is true but I believe, it’s the reasons and/or emotions that are associated with the behaviors which are typically wrong .

Your boyfriend probably feels, for whatever his reasons, (maybe his intuition, yes we men have intuition too and maybe he’s insecure or any of a hundred other possibilities) that this male friend is a threat. It’s not about trusting you, as much as he doesn’t trust your friend.

Now, you’re “progressive” boyfriend is stuck in an awkward situation. If he says he’s uncomfortable, then he feels as though he comes across as jealous (because on some level, he is) and from your perspective he has no reason to be.

How does he explain himself and why he’s jealous when you’re probably just going to tell him, “he’s just a friend…”. If he’s uncomfortable with his own feelings about the situation, how can he help you understand? (I’m not saying you won’t understand, I’m saying he doesn’t know how to explain it to you)

So now, he’s in an awkward position. He’s unsure of how to explain his feelings (we men are typically very stunted this way). So, he uses a behavior that served him well in the past (this is not a conscious thought process), in an effort to communicate to you how he feels.

And, while you may not like how he went about it, you most certainly know how he feels or you wouldn’t have written your original post.

So, now you have a pretty good idea of the why. The real question is: How can you go about talking it out with him and at the same time make him feel safe enough to open up to you and tell you how he feels?

Remember, most men are not comfortable talking about their emotions. Men are supposed to be strong and not show their emotions, especially something like jealousy.(not saying I agree with this, it is how society expects men to behave, at least for now)

Without knowing your man, it’s hard to say how to approach this. My best advice…

Ask him…gently…

Something like, honey…I noticed you seemed a little uncomfortable when I went out with my male friend (or male friends) and I totally get it. Men can be such horn dog and most just want to get into a woman’s pants. If that’s what makes you uncomfortable I understand…unless…it’s something else…
You may want to preface it with how much you love how open and honest you each are in your relationship…

Obviously use your own words.

It’s hard for us as men to admit a weakness to the woman we love, regardless of what that weakness is. To get him to open up, he needs to feel safe and even then it’s hard and scary for us.

I hope this helps and good luck.

Aw, I just saw this, thanks for this long and elaborate response!

We are getting better at communicating, but I think there is still a barrier with understanding each other and communicating certain emotions. Maybe this is just a thing that gets better with time. I remember being stuck in a certain loop in past relationships, because I was with partners who did not want to improve communication, or who were too stubborn to admit faults, or too immature to listen and talk constructively (aka people who only scream their opinion without letting you speak).
I'd like to think my current BF is different in that sense, but sometimes the stubbornness comes through. Funnily enough after much reflection he usually is able to communicate very clearly what he wanted to in a situation in which things were maybe more distorted/uneven.

He has not been jealous in the past two weeks, we went to a New Years party, but there weren't any 'hot' guys there, and I haven't really been around any of my male friends during the holidays.
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