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What is this passive aggressive jealousy thing?


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Old 11th December 2017, 8:16 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
As much as Iím for male friends (because I enjoy male thought process a lot), I tend to agree here... After I found myself single *many* of my male friends attempted crossing boundaries... It actually makes me sad since I would have never done it in the reverse case but apparently they have been thinking about it to some extent when I was coupled as well. Did I sleep with any of them? Nope, but it still makes me nervous theyíre thinking about it (btw Iím zero-flirting type, so itís not like I provoke them).

I think OP should introduce her BF to her male friends - this will make everyoneís role very clear. Male friends and BG can coexist but it takes some strategizing.
Would like to introduce him to all my friends but itís difficult with the living apart and work and school and timing. I feel priority is that i meat his best friends first. Hope that will happen before the New Year chimes in.

And i get what you mean. I had that happen in the past too, that a male friend started to hit on me once i was single. It was such a disappointment and kinda ruined the friendship for me.
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:39 AM   #17
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He is a 38yo man straight out of a 15 year LTR, he may want to appear cool and modern, but he doesn't want his 30yo gf meeting other guys for dinner.

Your bf doesn't really care that that is your "good friend", he doesn't want that guy to be in your life as he, and any others like him, is a threat.

You KNOW that everything is above board from your end anyway, but your bf doesn't know that and it is the not ever knowing that will kill him.

OSFs (Opposte Sex Friends) are great, but when a relationship gets serious, the OSFs very often need to go or need to be incorporated into the wider coupley group.
It is the way the world works, when young, people like to hang out in "gangs", but few in LTRs want to deal with the complications that OSFs bring.
As people age and get into serious LTRS, OSFs get ditched right left and centre as it is often boils down to a case of "It's me or the OSF, your choice".

If you want a man to accept all your male friends, then I guess you chose the wrong one, as he is as jealous as hell and is trying to swallow it. Your appropriateness as long term material for him I guess took a hit.
Trouble ahead here if you want to continue what you are doing...

Of course it isn't "right", people can be friends with anyone they want to be friends with, but IRL all that idealism doesn't tend to work.
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:01 AM   #18
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He is a 38yo man straight out of a 15 year LTR, he may want to appear cool and modern, but he doesn't want his 30yo gf meeting other guys for dinner.

Your bf doesn't really care that that is your "good friend", he doesn't want that guy to be in your life as he, and any others like him, is a threat.

You KNOW that everything is above board from your end anyway, but your bf doesn't know that and it is the not ever knowing that will kill him.

OSFs (Opposte Sex Friends) are great, but when a relationship gets serious, the OSFs very often need to go or need to be incorporated into the wider coupley group.
It is the way the world works, when young, people like to hang out in "gangs", but few in LTRs want to deal with the complications that OSFs bring.
As people age and get into serious LTRS, OSFs get ditched right left and centre as it is often boils down to a case of "It's me or the OSF, your choice".

If you want a man to accept all your male friends, then I guess you chose the wrong one, as he is as jealous as hell and is trying to swallow it. Your appropriateness as long term material for him I guess took a hit.
Trouble ahead here if you want to continue what you are doing...


Of course it isn't "right", people can be friends with anyone they want to be friends with, but IRL all that idealism doesn't tend to work.

I doubt that he thinks I am not 'long term material' anymore because i went for dinner with my friend, that's just ridiculous. As I said, he went to the movies with a female friend just the other week, and I did not make a big deal out of that either.
Besides, he has encouraged me to do this music project with my friend, he's really happy I am engaging with other people making music, since I only did it on my own in the past few years.
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:15 AM   #19
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Dear, you posted and...

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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I doubt that he thinks I am not 'long term material' anymore because i went for dinner with my friend, that's just ridiculous. As I said, he went to the movies with a female friend just the other week, and I did not make a big deal out of that either.
Besides, he has encouraged me to do this music project with my friend, he's really happy I am engaging with other people making music, since I only did it on my own in the past few years.
Dear, you posted and... asked what the deal was with your BF. OK, we have all told you. Random people from the internet have all told you something very similar.

However, you just think that these people, people BTW that take time to try and help, especially younger people, just don't understand YOUR situation.

You have all these reasons why this or that is silly. OK, if you know all the answers, then why are you posting on the internet.

We are telling you the way things are based on life long experiences and lots of heartache. Trust me, we have a good idea how things work.

It may not make sense to you, but you would do well to try and understand what we are saying.

It is really kind of childish to ask for advice and then explain away everyone's advice.

No one is saying that you or your BF are right or wrong, we are saying that this is the way that life works in almost all situations, not every one, but most.

When I was young, I wish I would have listened to some of the advice that I got at the time, it would have saved me so many troubles along the way...
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:33 AM   #20
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Dear, you posted and... asked what the deal was with your BF. OK, we have all told you. Random people from the internet have all told you something very similar.

However, you just think that these people, people BTW that take time to try and help, especially younger people, just don't understand YOUR situation.

You have all these reasons why this or that is silly. OK, if you know all the answers, then why are you posting on the internet.

We are telling you the way things are based on life long experiences and lots of heartache. Trust me, we have a good idea how things work.

It may not make sense to you, but you would do well to try and understand what we are saying.

It is really kind of childish to ask for advice and then explain away everyone's advice.

No one is saying that you or your BF are right or wrong, we are saying that this is the way that life works in almost all situations, not every one, but most.

When I was young, I wish I would have listened to some of the advice that I got at the time, it would have saved me so many troubles along the way...

Not sure why you are getting so defensive. All I am saying is that I don't think my boyfriend is having doubts about me, that's all.
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:46 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I do not see why this means I am being naive. If we'd assume the guy may want to sleep with me, I mean sorry, but I still have a say in this as well! There are probably a lot of people I meet everyday who want to sleep with me, does not mean it will happen. I have agency.

Do you think dinner alone is really that bad? I mean, we meet to make music at each other's houses, isn't that much more intimate than a dinner in a public place around the corner from my boyfriend's house?

Don't get the logic..

Heaven, here are a couple of things that struck me during my read on your thread:

1. You talk of how he was earlier in your relationship but the relationship is progressing and he's trying to open up and not bottle things. You've labeled it Passive Agressive but one could also call it hinting at a discomfort. Things that were "okay" earlier in the relationship may not be so much as feelings begin to deepen.

2. Who paid for the dinner?

3. I think also you told him that you were going to cook for yourself but ended up going on what "might be construed" as a date.

4. The remarks may be related to his being taken off guard as well.

I am not necessarily saying you did anything wrong here but it might be worthwhile to have that talk to ask him if he has any issues with one on one dinners, movies etc with your single male friends. Also, as the relationship progresses be prepared for other things that change both for a closer R with him and with your single friends.
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:52 AM   #22
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Heaven, here are a couple of things that struck me during my read on your thread:

1. You talk of how he was earlier in your relationship but the relationship is progressing and he's trying to open up and not bottle things. You've labeled it Passive Agressive but one could also call it hinting at a discomfort. Things that were "okay" earlier in the relationship may not be so much as feelings begin to deepen.

2. Who paid for the dinner?

3. I think also you told him that you were going to cook for yourself but ended up going on what "might be construed" as a date.

4. The remarks may be related to his being taken off guard as well.

I am not necessarily saying you did anything wrong here but it might be worthwhile to have that talk to ask him if he has any issues with one on one dinners, movies etc with your single male friends. Also, as the relationship progresses be prepared for other things that change both for a closer R with him and with your single friends.
Thanks for your response. yes, it makes sense, i am not saying he is passive aggressive in nature, I am just saying the 'hinting at discomfort' comes across as passive aggressive, because he is not really voicing what is up, but making these little comments... usually he does not shy away from mentioning when something is not to his liking.

My friend and me split the bill.

I think he knows it was not a date, but just a 'catching up with a friend', obviously not a date, I was hoping he'd be happy I didn't just wait at home for him but did something active as well. (He initially wanted me to join to the concert, but I really did not want to go all the way there, as it was very far and the weather very bad, and he felt bad that he was going and leaving me home alone).

And regarding 4., i think i get what you mean. He may not like that he feels this way, and does not want to confront me with his jealousy, as he may think it's unattractive or possessive? I am indeed noticing how, as we grow closer, he is over all becoming more protective and a bit more possessive of me. There is much more affection and verbal professions of love, whereas in the beginning he showed it only through gestures.

I suppose when you fall deeper in love with someone, you are more afraid of losing that person. That's how I feel, at least.
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:45 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
2 hours later, my boyfriend and me arrived home around the same time, and my boyfriend asked me what I did while he was at the concert. I told him about meeting my friend, showed him a selfie we took during the dinner.
My boyfriend just said "Oh... he's cute."
I said "Why would you say that?".
I would have answered: Yes he's pretty cute and would not have turned this into a confrontation with *why would you say that* He did not accuse you of anything so why jump on the defensive? He made a comment the guy was cute so you agree or you don't agree he's cute and end it there.

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When my friend was texting me later about something we had talked about during dinner, my boyfriend was saying "Texting with *friend's name*, eh?".
and I would have answered yep I am we're working on a very interesting piece right and he's got a new idea...Again answering the question and not jumping on the defensive, simply answer and share what the text is about.

There are ways to cool down passive-aggressive and ways to feed it. I think you fed his passive-aggressiveness without knowing it. If going out to dinner with that friend is totally normal and platonic than act as it is and don't get on the defensive.

When my bf ask me if I am chatting with my male friend I answer *yes, his gf just got a promotion and they're celebrating this over the weekend* I don't put any negative meaning into my bf asking, I simply answer and give him details so he feels I am an open book with him. Once he told me he had run into an old female friend and one thing let to another and I asked him if she was good looking. He answered honestly and he said yes, she's gorgeous and always well put together. Guess what? In never asked him again if so and so is good looking lol
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:46 AM   #24
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Well we make music together but sometimes it is nice to meet outside of a studio and just talk about things other than music. He knows i have my boyfriend and he would not try anything, it’s surreal to me. He’s like a little brother or something. I don’t even understand why my boyfriend would be jealous.

It's not you two grabbing a bite after a session, it was him calling you out of the blue to meet him for dinner and drinks.....what does that sound like to you? It sounds like a date. Your BF, and others on here, find this inappropriate. Funny how the weather was so bad for him to go to the same concert your BF had np going to....get what I mean? It may seem harmless to you, but to your BF it looks sketchy.

You and your BF need to set some boundaries by discussing what you both find what is acceptable when it comes to spending time with people of the opposite sex. Clear the air and get on the same page.
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:51 AM   #25
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I would have answered: Yes he's pretty cute and would not have turned this into a confrontation with *why would you say that* He did not accuse you of anything so why jump on the defensive? He made a comment the guy was cute so you agree or you don't agree he's cute and end it there.

and I would have answered yep I am we're working on a very interesting piece right and he's got a new idea...Again answering the question and not jumping on the defensive, simply answer and share what the text is about.

There are ways to cool down passive-aggressive and ways to feed it. I think you fed his passive-aggressiveness without knowing it. If going out to dinner with that friend is totally normal and platonic than act as it is and don't get on the defensive.

When my bf ask me if I am chatting with my male friend I answer *yes, his gf just got a promotion and they're celebrating this over the weekend* I don't put any negative meaning into my bf asking, I simply answer and give him details so he feels I am an open book with him. Once he told me he had run into an old female friend and one thing let to another and I asked him if she was good looking. He answered honestly and he said yes, she's gorgeous and always well put together. Guess what? In never asked him again if so and so is good looking lol
Thanks for the input, this is useful feedback. Will definitely change the way I react to his comments regarding guy friends. Good idea!
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:53 AM   #26
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It's not you two grabbing a bite after a session, it was him calling you out of the blue to meet him for dinner and drinks.....
No it was not him calling her out of the blue, you're making this something it's not. They were having a conversation over text, he decided to not go to the concert probably because it's long distance. They were both doing nothing so he suggested they go eat, she's probably just around the corner.

It's not because she's in a relationship that she cannot change her mind about her evening. If I am home alone and a friend offers to grab a bite you think I will tell him *can't do it cause I told my bf I am spending the night home alone* C'mon. I am free to change my mind and go out and not worry how my bf will view it. Our relationship is supposed to be based on trust and bf should be happy I got to eat out with a friend instead of eating home alone.
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:54 AM   #27
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It's not you two grabbing a bite after a session, it was him calling you out of the blue to meet him for dinner and drinks.....what does that sound like to you? It sounds like a date. Your BF, and others on here, find this inappropriate. Funny how the weather was so bad for him to go to the same concert your BF had np going to....get what I mean? It may seem harmless to you, but to your BF it looks sketchy.

You and your BF need to set some boundaries by discussing what you both find what is acceptable when it comes to spending time with people of the opposite sex. Clear the air and get on the same page.
Well, my boyfriend had tickets and made plans with his cousin weeks in advance, my friend was contemplating if he wanted to go to the show or not, he didn't even have tickets yet and was not going with anyone.
But yes, I do get how my boyfriend may have thought it was weird.

I honestly think we are on the same page when it comes to opposite sex friends, which is why these jealous little comments are so weird to me.
I will not feed into his passive aggressiveness anymore, as Gaeta suggested, and just answer his questions normally, and see how it goes from there.
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Old 11th December 2017, 11:59 AM   #28
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No it was not him calling her out of the blue, you're making this something it's not. They were having a conversation over text, he decided to not go to the concert probably because it's long distance. They were both doing nothing so he suggested they go eat, she's probably just around the corner.

It's not because she's in a relationship that she cannot change her mind about her evening. If I am home alone and a friend offers to grab a bite you think I will tell him *can't do it cause I told my bf I am spending the night home alone* C'mon. I am free to change my mind and go out and not worry how my bf will view it. Our relationship is supposed to be based on trust and bf should be happy I got to eat out with a friend instead of eating home alone.

Yes, boyfriend made it seem to me that he was happy I got out instead of waiting for him to return from the concert. Only after I showed him selfie with my friend he started to be a bit weird.

It's funny, because my friend is really not my type at all, he's only a few cm taller than me, clean shaven, short hair, bit whimpy, a few years younger than me, and not even close to as bright as my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 30cm taller than me, full beard and moustache, nice soft curly hair, and super smart and got 11 years life experience on my male friend.
I really don't think my boyfriend would be intimidated by my friend. But for some reason it seemed to me when he made that comment about my friend being cute. Really threw me off.
Anyway, I guess it means nobody is immune to jealousy, not even my, in my eyes, perfect boyfriend.
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Old 11th December 2017, 12:00 PM   #29
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I honestly think we are on the same page when it comes to opposite sex friends, which is why these jealous little comments are so weird to me.
I will not feed into his passive aggressiveness anymore, as Gaeta suggested, and just answer his questions normally, and see how it goes from there.
Yes and add a bit of details so he feels you keep him in the loop.
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Old 11th December 2017, 12:06 PM   #30
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Yes, boyfriend made it seem to me that he was happy I got out instead of waiting for him to return from the concert. Only after I showed him selfie with my friend he started to be a bit weird.

It's funny, because my friend is really not my type at all, he's only a few cm taller than me, clean shaven, short hair, bit whimpy, a few years younger than me, and not even close to as bright as my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 30cm taller than me, full beard and moustache, nice soft curly hair, and super smart and got 11 years life experience on my male friend.
I really don't think my boyfriend would be intimidated by my friend. But for some reason it seemed to me when he made that comment about my friend being cute. Really threw me off.
Anyway, I guess it means nobody is immune to jealousy, not even my, in my eyes, perfect boyfriend.
If it had been me I would have told my bf about my dinner and update him on the latest about my male friend but I would not have shown him a selfie of us just to be sensitive toward my bf. I know men don't like these opposite-sex friendships even if they play cool on the surface so I would not turn the knife in the wound by showing him pictures of my male friend and I cheek to cheek.
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