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Waiting for Marriage Before Sex...In His Forties


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Old 11th December 2017, 11:22 AM   #31
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Thank you all for your responses!

I'm really going to have to think this one through. Men as genuinely kind as this one don't come into my life very often.

He is willing to kiss, hold hands, and give back rubs. I completely respect his beliefs, and, as a Christian myself, I wish I had the conviction to live the way he does. However, although I am a believer, I am just not that devout.

I think the differing beliefs may be a bigger deal for him than they are for me.

Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner.
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Old 11th December 2017, 1:14 PM   #32
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I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner.
I'd wrap an electric blanket around a body length pillow for that.

He's already told you that's not going to happen, so wishing something would happen is time wasted.

He's more than likely has had sex before, so it's not like you're dealing with a 40 year old virgin.

This could very well be that you've attracted another sexually incompatible man--this time, he ups his "really kind and nice" game as a carrot to dangle in front of you as he leads you towards the altar. Then once the day is over, you find out you've got another incompatible man on your hands... and I'll bet he doesn't believe in divorce, either.

Nope---the rest of your life is too long for that sort of risk. Living a life of quiet desperation isn't a good option, either.

He's probably great as a friend, but as to the rest...
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Old 11th December 2017, 1:24 PM   #33
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I fully believe this man as kind as he may be has sexual issues and will not be a good lover. Although it's assumed it's women who don't want to have sex in marriages the ugly truth is that there are also as many men who aren't into sex and their wives live in sexless marriages. Move on and find another kind person.
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Old 11th December 2017, 2:17 PM   #34
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Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner.
I'd discuss this with him; if you like and respect him it's best to be forthright about your concerns and see is he's open to compromise. As another poster has said, the lack of progressive intimacy would only be one of the issues - I'd have concerns about his views on spousal roles, personal autonomy in a marriage and divorce as well. Unless one shares a similar embrace of religion tenets in their daily life, it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was extremely dedicated to their faith. He might be a good person but simply not a compatible partner for you.

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Old 11th December 2017, 2:43 PM   #35
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Many of you expressed my chief worry as to his commitment not to have sex: I've been in a sexually incompatible marriage before, and I hate to risk putting myself in that position again. That said, I would have a much easier time waiting if he would allow a little more intimacy. I'd really like for him to sleep (as in literally sleep) next to me, even if it's in pajamas: I enjoy the warmth of having a bed partner.
Then how can you even consider this? We're suppose to learn from our mistakes. To me his request would be a huge red flag. A man of 46 who's known sex should want sex in his romantic relationship no matter how religious he is. There is no such a thing of going back to being virgin.

This tells me he has a low libido, he has ED, or surprise he has a micro-penis. No normal-sexually-healthy man of 46 would want to date a woman for what? 2-3-4 years without sex.

He's not the only nice and kind man to date.
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Old 11th December 2017, 3:49 PM   #36
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Then how can you even consider this? We're suppose to learn from our mistakes. To me his request would be a huge red flag. A man of 46 who's known sex should want sex in his romantic relationship no matter how religious he is. There is no such a thing of going back to being virgin.

This tells me he has a low libido, he has ED, or surprise he has a micro-penis. No normal-sexually-healthy man of 46 would want to date a woman for what? 2-3-4 years without sex.

He's not the only nice and kind man to date.
Christians just insta-marry. In my ex’s circles there were people doing so - they’ll not have sex pre-marriage but the whole process (from meeting up to marriage) was done in less then an year. 9 months max to engagement and then marrying within 1-2 months. Maybe this guy thinks in that lines.
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Old 11th December 2017, 4:58 PM   #37
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I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship.

Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish.
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:26 PM   #38
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I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship.

Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish.
Has he been married before? How many relationships did he have until he had his "road to Damascus" experience?
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:16 PM   #39
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I'd discuss this with him; if you like and respect him it's best to be forthright about your concerns and see is he's open to compromise. As another poster has said, the lack of progressive intimacy would only be one of the issues - I'd have concerns about his views on spousal roles, personal autonomy in a marriage and divorce as well. Unless one shares a similar embrace of religion tenets in their daily life, it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was extremely dedicated to their faith. He might be a good person but simply not a compatible partner for you.
This and echoing what others have said. While I think his whole reclaimed virginity thing might be nice if it's truly what's going on, with someone who knows what's on the other side of the door, who claims to be sexually attracted to you yet isn't progressing even lesser forms of intimacy...I'd be very red flagged.
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:35 PM   #40
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Dear OP. I really wish you good luck on this one and hope it comes out with a good outcome.

I will echo someone else's response to you. Be very careful and wary. There might be other issues going on here and you have just scratched the tip of the iceberg. A marriage is love but it's also a legal contact. You want to be fully aware with whom you are getting into a legal contract with.

Have you met his friends and family and extended family? Meeting someones friends and family will tell you a lot about a person.
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:58 PM   #41
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I believe he is the type who is looking for a wife and a relatively brief courtship.

Also, just to clarify, he came into this religious resurgence about 5 or 6 years ago and seems to have had a normal sex life until he turned 40-ish.
I guess to calm down your fears about sexual performance: my ex stayed virgin until 35+ because of his religious beliefs but when nature took its course after we met - he lost the conviction very fast It was a terrible relationship overall but I've never had so much sex in my life - we never skipped a day, I think we maxed at 16 sessions one weekend He also claimed to his friends and family he'll stay virgin until marriage. I'm curious what he will tell to his next girlfriend, especially if he finds someone religious like him
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Old 14th December 2017, 9:22 PM   #42
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Do you think it’s possible to build the kind of intimacy on which relationships are based with only kissing and occasional hugging on the couch? I can wait on sex, but I just would love more affection.
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Old 15th December 2017, 10:39 AM   #43
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My buddy MK and his Wife JC. They did not have sex for 2 yrs and they are rock solid with 2 kids and will be together in May 2018, by being together 20 yr and married for 18.

For me. I would be like this. Going out for 2 yrs and that includes having sex. maybe live together one yr or half a yr and get married.
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Old 15th December 2017, 11:27 AM   #44
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I could never understand the waiting, especially since everyone has already had sex, and was already married. The original idea of waiting is two virgins wait so that they will develop a deeper bond through sex. That I can see, but come on....doing that over again? It won't have the same effect, in fact it can be the opposite. You already have something to compare to. Doesn't matter if they have sexual experience...you sexual experience with them can suck, and then you are left trying, and struggling to make it work. Nope I think it's dumb.
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Old 20th December 2017, 9:04 PM   #45
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So, I am still seeing this guy because he is such a saint! He's coming on a trip with some friends and me for New Years but will be staying in his own room/bathroom.

Do you think it's possible for these to be genuine convictions, or do you think that there might be some sexual dysfunction at play?

Happy holidays to all!
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