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This just went totally wrong.


ZA Dater

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I decided I didn't feel like sitting at home last night and starter looking around on Tinder and amazingly actually got some matches, the one was ok, held some intrigue and the conversation went well enough, well enough to meet up about 3 hours from the time we matched.

 

 

Met up and conversation just didn't work, I decided to try to indulge in small talk and it worked to an extent but I suspect I was nuked from the first minute on looks.

 

 

Its hard to explain how frustrating I find dates like this, where it feels like I cannot connect with the person at all, I tried to make her laugh, asked her things and generally tried to make conversation. Nothing I tried seemed to work and after an hour she asked to leave (was drinks), in fact she couldn't get out there fast enough.

 

 

There was just no common ground at all, despite texting going fairly well, anyway turned out she was still in love with another guy, she admitted as much.

 

 

How can connect more easily with people? I can spend hours with K at markets, lunches, do anything and it just works but I can never really replicate that? It probably works with her because intellectually she is a match for me and there are shared interests.

 

 

Do I simply ignore this as her not knowing what she wanted, me not have any sort of objective, me once again being too different?

 

 

How do people generally connect with each other?

 

 

I have lined up another potential date for Wed, again not sure what I am hoping to achieve here because she is only in country for 3 weeks and on the face of it there seems to be little common ground here either?

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...anyway turned out she was still in love with another guy, she admitted as much.

 

So why has that got anything to do with you?

She was just feeling guilty about "betraying" her ex.

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Dude, don't over think this.

 

She was still hung up on her ex. She should never have been out with you in the first place. Her head wasn't in the game and that wasn't fair to you...

 

Next...

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Dude, don't over think this.

 

She was still hung up on her ex. She should never have been out with you in the first place. Her head wasn't in the game and that wasn't fair to you...

 

Next...

 

 

 

True.

 

 

Lets see if the one on Wed is any better. My concern is I seem to have this problem often of either simply not finding the person interesting or not being able to interest the person.

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If you suspect you were "nuked" from the first minute based on looks you should update your pics to make sure they are are real representation of what you look like. Otherwise this problem may be ongoing. She thought you were good looking enough to meet within 3 hours so if you feel she was that disappointed in person that may mean your pics online look nothing like you.

 

Also, maybe set up the date on the phone so you can feel out their vibe before you meet? Some people don't like to do that but I prefer that. And trust me I have saved myself a lot of time (ad potential disaster dates) just from just a two minute conversation haha

 

oh and I never respond to people that are only in my area for a few days/weeks. To me, whats the point? Unless you have nothing else to do and feel like entertaining someone a few times. Plus why put yourself in a position to hit it off with someone you will probably never see again? That's just my opinion.

 

Good luck and take care :)

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If you suspect you were "nuked" from the first minute based on looks you should update your pics to make sure they are are real representation of what you look like. Otherwise this problem may be ongoing. She thought you were good looking enough to meet within 3 hours so if you feel she was that disappointed in person that may mean your pics online look nothing like you.

 

Also, maybe set up the date on the phone so you can feel out their vibe before you meet? Some people don't like to do that but I prefer that. And trust me I have saved myself a lot of time (ad potential disaster dates) just from just a two minute conversation haha

 

oh and I never respond to people that are only in my area for a few days/weeks. To me, whats the point? Unless you have nothing else to do and feel like entertaining someone a few times. Plus why put yourself in a position to hit it off with someone you will probably never see again? That's just my opinion.

 

Good luck and take care :)

 

 

 

Pictures do represent me, probably the issue is I have no "game" so to speak. Not sure what she was expecting to be honest, whatever it was I clearly wasn't it.

 

 

Suggestions were made via text but that's never going to work in reality with someone who has done nothing. FYI Elaine, she was 37 so older than me...

 

 

Just seems I never really find that person who captivates me who is actually available and actually does like me. Seems winning the lottery would be easier.

 

 

Agree with you, no much point of meeting someone who isn't her permanently but when you reach a certain level of wanting to experience things and actually don't want to spend your holidays alone you tend to look at things like this.

 

 

I am very grateful for everything life has given me but I sometimes think its also teaching me a rather cruel lesson sometimes because inevitable the thing I want most are always the hardest/impossible to get.

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You mention that conversation was going nowhere. That leads me to believe that this lack of connection was on both sides. Not everybody clicks. Sounds like you two just didn't. Don't overthink this.

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"Agree with you, no much point of meeting someone who isn't her permanently but when you reach a certain level of wanting to experience things and actually don't want to spend your holidays alone you tend to look at things like this"

 

Awww, I understand.

 

Hmm have you tried a different dating app? Like okcupid? IDK where you live but Tinder has a lot of flakes and people who are tying to get over an ex or just want attention.

 

I have coworkers who even post other people's pictures on tinder bc they just want attention. It amazes me what length people will deceive people just for a match and a message. Sad.

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How can connect more easily with people? I can spend hours with K at markets, lunches, do anything and it just works but I can never really replicate that? It probably works with her because intellectually she is a match for me and there are shared interests.

 

And this is the core of how you connect with others. It's not always possible to explain it, but there are always people you just don't click with. And others that you can't help but click with. If you go on a date with someone and you don't click, then you're not compatible. Which doesn't mean the next person won't be compatible, you just have to keep looking.

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Just be thankful you only wasted an hour. This will likely happen with the majority of your dates.

 

As mentioned previously, try to speak to them on the phone first. Some may get freaked out by this though.

 

I had an experience like this not too long ago. She had all these constrains for meeting up but I decided to go through with it anyway.

 

She was cute but had terrible teeth. Not a deal breaker but the fact she spent the entire time talking about ex boyfriends grew really tiring. Also, her lack of humility was a big turn off.

 

When I finally got the check (after 1.5-2 hrs) she seemed to be in shock. Like how could I not want to hear more about her past RLs? Lol.

 

I went for the kiss at the end (to see maybe if she was just nervous) and got the cheek. Needless to say I haven’t called her since.

 

Unfortunately it’s a numbers game and as a guy you will have to work a lot harder than a woman online.

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My experience...

 

There are some people in this world that I just don't connect with at all, I find it very difficult to have a conversation. But, they are very few and far between.

 

There are many people with whom I can have an interesting conversation, find something in common, or at the very least make small talk.

 

There are a chosen few with whom I feel a connection like the one you are seeking.

 

I think you are getting your knickers in a knot because you are expecting to find that connection with random people you meet. It just doesn't happen that way and it's unrealistic to assume that it will...

 

And before you tell me that you've searched high and low, and you are frustrated searching for someone to share that connection... I get it. I understand.

 

I'm just saying, keep your expectations realistic.

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heavenonearth

Well in this particular case, I think you just got unlucky because the girl was still into her ex.

But to get to your question about how people connect: you just have to meet the right people.

You will not fit with every person you meet. Some people just don't get along well, and a lot of awkwardness is just human nature.

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My experience...

 

There are some people in this world that I just don't connect with at all, I find it very difficult to have a conversation. But, they are very few and far between.

 

There are many people with whom I can have an interesting conversation, find something in common, or at the very least make small talk.

 

There are a chosen few with whom I feel a connection like the one you are seeking.

 

I think you are getting your knickers in a knot because you are expecting to find that connection with random people you meet. It just doesn't happen that way and it's unrealistic to assume that it will...

 

And before you tell me that you've searched high and low, and you are frustrated searching for someone to share that connection... I get it. I understand.

 

I'm just saying, keep your expectations realistic.

 

 

 

Agree with you. Thing is I connect so seldom its becoming a case of me looking at myself and trying to understand if it is me or I am just supremely unlucky.

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MaleIntuition

Hm, sounds like she was mostly looking for a hookup or something casual while it was obvious that you are looking for a serious relationship?

 

Anyway, not sure if the goal on a first meet and greet should be on forming a connection, but rather be about having a good time with one another. The coffe/drink date requires the interaction in itself to be interesting or fun - which can be tricky early on. One way to sidestep this somewhat could be to instead try a fun activity together. An art gallery? A short hike? A game of pool? The idea is that the activity can then take some pressure off the conversation. You are not having an awkward silence; you are merely contemplating the artwork in front of you.

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Hm, sounds like she was mostly looking for a hookup or something casual while it was obvious that you are looking for a serious relationship?

 

Where do you get that from?

She admitted she was not over her ex, so I guess the last thing on her mind was to get hot and steamy with ZA Dater...

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MaleIntuition
Where do you get that from?

She admitted she was not over her ex, so I guess the last thing on her mind was to get hot and steamy with ZA Dater...

 

Well, drink date on a weekend 3 hours after matching on Tinder? And normally I don’t think people figure out during a date that they are not over exes. So, why did she go in the first place?

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Well, drink date on a weekend 3 hours after matching on Tinder? And normally I don’t think people figure out during a date that they are not over exes. So, why did she go in the first place?

 

 

 

The texting lead me to a similar conclusion but the conversation in person was radically different.

 

 

I am meeting someone else on Wed evening, this time I am doing ice cream rather than coffee. Honestly I am not sure how much better this is going to be, the main problem here seems to be me.

 

 

This time I am going to do everything differently and see what happens.

 

 

Again this person is only here for 3 weeks which has a friend of mine saying "great that's the best" but is it really? I have always taken long term views of things so I'll go and see how it goes but if there is none of that connection its just back to the drawing board.

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