Should I continue?

[alesapcal]

Hello everyone,

 

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. We met through online dating and saw each other many times, up to twice a week (though sometimes only once every two weeks cause she works a lot). I also met her flatmate, she met mine, some of my friends, etc. Also, she really does seem to want to continue to see me, talking about the next time we will meet, asking me about my days and my plans, etc.

 

The thing is, long before we met, she had booked this 3-week trip to a faraway place with very little internet connection (think hippie paradise beach thing), where she volunteers for a humanitarian cause. Annoyingly, she comes back on the day after I leave for Christmas, so we won't see each other for 6 weeks.

 

On the day that she flew there, I send her a short "have a good flight" and noticed the message took 2 days to reach her. I was slightly worried as the country is known for its high rape and murder rates, though I didn't honestly think anything happened to her. That being said, once she got the message, she needed another 2 days to reply - which was strange, and a little inconsiderate I thought.

 

As I was wondering why she did not even let me know that she got there all right, I decided to stalk her a tiny bit. I went on Tinder and saw her distance to me was changing as we speak, meaning she was online. This was a big blow to my ego, as I thought we had something nice going on and yet she preferred to be checking random men on Tinder rather than even tell me she's alive.

 

(Also, weird thing: my friend who has Tinder plus swiped in her town and couldn't see her online. So she must have gone on, swiped left and right and then made herself invisible - this option prevents you from matching with new people, but you can still continue to chat to your existing matches. Weird. I'm guessing either she just wanted to see what people there look like or she got bombarded with matches.)

 

Fast forward one week, she has been writing me about once every 4 days at the beginning of the trip, and once every 2 days the last few times. She sends me photos, asks me interested questions about what I've been up to, etc. Said she is spending her free time with a group of musicians on the beach, jamming, drinking beer and petting animals. Now she left the paradise beach and is currently traveling throughout the mainland with this guy (was supposed to be two guys but I think it's just one now).

 

The thing is, I am really really into her. And she knows, though I've been careful not to let it show too much, as I have been burned in the past. I actually stopped dating other people shortly after I met her, though we never had the exclusivity talk. I felt like it.

 

I obviously care more about her than she cares about me, though that is not to say she doesn't care about me at all.

 

In fact, she doesn't know this, but I cut my pre-Christmas holiday one day short in order to come back to where we both live and hopefully get one more evening with her before I go off for another 2 weeks. I know, stupid. Sue me. I still have the other flight so if she doesn't want to meet I'll just stay longer.

 

Anyway, do you think there is any point in continuing this?

 

Just because she was on Tinder doesn't mean she slept with other people (even if she had, we did not have the exclusivity talk), and just because she is traveling with a guy doesn't mean they have a thing going on. But the fact that she was online 2 times before even letting me know she is alive is bugging me (that's just something I would never do).

 

In her culture, people don't open up their feelings very fast. I doubt that having had the exclusivity talk beforehand would have got anything done - in fact, I think it would have scared her away. I wish my feelings for her would go away or at least become less powerful. But right now, it seems like there is nothing that I can do other than wait. I'm just wondering how I should react once I do see her again.

Edited December 10, 2017 by alesapcal

[GemmaUK]

You've made a lot of assumptions.

 

Having an app on a phone can make it look as if it's been active when it hasn't too so don't rely on that.

 

It took two days for your message to send, you don't know it didn't take two days for hers to return to you.

 

Quit the assumptions and see what happens.

I would recommend telling her your plans have changed and you have time to see her before you go away asap. Remember, she might have plans for that day when she returns already.

[alesapcal]

I doubt it. Tinder is famous for only updating when you swipe (though she might have been only swiping left, e.g. rejecting people). And she's now in a different town, where it did not update. So she definitely swiped as soon as she got there.

 

To be honest, I often go on Tinder in a new place just to see what people look like, but I'd never do that before writing the person I'm dating that I'm alive and well (then again, that's just me - other people might have different values).

 

Her messages get delivered instantly, because she has been online without writing me in between. So unfortunately, as much as I would like to believe it, there is no way around the "she was on Tinder before even saying she got there fine".

 

I've already told her I'm coming back early, I also have a couple of work things to settle so that's the reason she knows about.

 

(Just so you know, it's not right after she comes back, but about week after that. She's going to see her family for Christmas, but I'm getting in on the evening before her last day of work this year. She said she'd let me know as soon as she knows what her plans are.)

_____________

 

Edit: You are right about the assumptions though. She told me she had a really bad flight and had to work right after she got there. She might simply not have wanted to write me in such a bad mood (I know I write ****ty messages to people I care about if I am tired / in a bad mood), but gone on Tinder out of curiosity / to see what people look like.

 

She did write me after that and it seems like she made an effort to write whenever she knew she wouldn't be able to do so again soon. Also, her messages are super long, always include questions about what I've been doing, and she always sends me photos.

Edited December 10, 2017 by alesapcal

[GemmaUK]

You sound like you want to control and parent her.

She is on a trip, you have different schedules when she returns too so there's going to be distance over a period of time where you're both going to be doing your own thing. People don't always hang on to every bleep their phone makes when they're doing things.

 

If you are this upset and are actually angry then simply end it.

You don't trust her and seem very insecure about things along with being upset and seemingly angry. all of that is going to be pretty obvious if you do get to see her before Christmas.

[alesapcal]

I really don't think angry is the right word. I honestly don't feel any anger at all. Anxiety would be more correct.

 

I am upset because I have commitment issues and it takes a lot for me to fall for somebody like I did with her. When I then feel it is not reciprocated, I do tend to make scenarios up in my mind.

 

I honestly wish this weren't affecting me so much. How do I go about not trying to "control and parent" her? I want to learn.

[alesapcal]

Update: she just logged onto Tinder again from the new town.

 

Clarification: This is after she had not shown a different distance upon writing me from the new town earlier today

.

Meaning: she is obviously active. She still doesn't show in my friend's Tinder plus, which is weird. So she's logging on, swiping and then making herself invisible. Do keep in mind being invisible does not prevent you from matching with people you've already swiped right on. Whatever.

Edited December 10, 2017 by alesapcal

[GemmaUK]

You need to stop stalking.

Do you not have a life outside of dating this woman?

Get yourself some hobbies, do some normal daily things.

If you continue this is going to get worse and you'll smother her.

 

Controlling/parenting is abusive behaviour.

Control yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You are obviously more into her than she is into you.

 

I would just ride this out and see how things go once you both come back.

 

I once exprienced something similar (though the exclusivity talk has been had) and turns out the dude was still seeing others. Once I attempted to address it, he accused me of being controlling and used that as an excuse to end things.

 

Some call it stalking/snooping, I just call it being aware. Had I not been aware of something fishy in my situation, I would be blindsided and heart broken. Since I was aware, I moved on painlessly.

[marjohnee]

I don't see what good can come off checking her Tinder profile while she's gone. You said you didn't have the exclusivity talk, and I take it you are not planning on having it while she's there. If you don't want to confront her about it and don't want to end, the only option left is accepting she may or may not be on the lookout for others and just quit stalking. It does not change your current relationship status with her, she is not cheating on you so knowing whether she's active gains you nothing but worry and anxiety.

 

Besides, she could be using the app for hundreds of reasons, some do it for fun and think nothing of it. She might see your activity there too and wonder the same things.

 

You need to know for yourself whether you want to end it or not. Her checking out tinder while you're not exclusive is not really a red flag, especially when she seems to put in decent effort into your conversations. If she barely contacted you or made excuses while being regularly online there, it would be a different story.

[d0nnivain]

Stop. Stop stalking her or trying to locate her. Do not rearrange your life for her. Respond to the messages you get from her. Limit your analysis of your relationship to those direct communications not whatever wild paranoid assumptions you are making based on where you think her phone is.

 

 

When you are both solidly back from all your travels, talk to each other. You can confess to the cyber stalking you did & ask her if she was checking out other guys / options while she was away. If you are not prepared to wholeheartedly accept her answer & move forward together, just end things now. If her answer is that yes, she was with others, think about whether you can accept that & get past it.