Latina girl/white guy -- did he overreact?

[bkLatina718]

So I met this white guy online. I'm Dominican from BK, he's from the Boston area. A big commonality is we're both Catholic. We had been talking/dating for most of the year, however things ended towards the end of summer when he (I think) abruptly dumped me.

 

We had a great weekend together in NYC, including a nice picnic outside. He prepared food for us and it was very special. That following Monday, we had a slight disagreement in which I said in a text message: "I can't tie myself to someone who doesn't do it for me, or Imma wanna cheat later... It is what it is. Haha, mad blunt". Maybe it could've be phrased better, but the general idea was that I'm not just going to force myself into a relationship.... He had a major problem with that, even knowing that I only hang out with family and am a good person.

 

Even though I'm divorced, I still try and maintain my purity and not engage in premarital sex with men I'm dating. Nor even talk sex. Being Catholic he too understood and agreed, and was respectful on that front. But then he came across (what he says was) an unexpected photo on WhatsApp of me, with family, in a sexy dress with my butt kinda sticking out in an obviously cute and innocent pose. From there he immediately ended the relationship, saying that I was giving mixed signals and "not respecting the relationship".

 

Personally I think he was afraid of commitment and looking for an excuse to end things. Maybe even a little controlling. As we stopped talking before over a disagreement then re-connected.

 

Because things were really good, doesn't this seem like an obvious over-reaction to a comment and photo? He's since reached out to me (actually sent me a thoughtful e-Christmas card) but I'm not falling for his games. His point is the cheating comment made him on high alert so the photo was his last straw. I think he's just incapable of being in a committed relationship to be honest. Doesn't quite understand Latina women.

 

Any thoughts? They say perfectionists are often guarded and look to wiggle out of relationships. I think that was the case here, to be frank.

Edited December 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[dude360]

"I can't tie myself to someone who doesn't do it for me, or Imma wanna cheat later..."

 

That sounds suspect to me and I'd be on high alert like him too.

[grays]

If I was him I'd feel pretty hurt by the "someone who doesn't do it for me," and the cheating part just makes it feel cold. If someone sent me thst text I'd absolutely think they were saying they didn't want me. Did you feel like it wasn't meant to be that way???

[basil67]

Nope, this one is fairly and squarely on you. To send a text like you did after a *slight* disagreement was completely unacceptable. I'm surprised he stuck around long enough to see the photo.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I was him I'd feel pretty hurt by the "someone who doesn't do it for me," and the cheating part just makes it feel cold. If someone sent me thst text I'd absolutely think they were saying they didn't want me. Did you feel like it wasn't meant to be that way???

 

I agree with this. It sends a message that you're not attracted to him.

 

However, your whole story is confusing me. I can't understand what happened when, or if you two are even still together.

 

About the picture/sexy pose he saw. Hell yes, he's controlling and that was a huge overreaction, if that is what your question is about (I can't tell). That's crazy.

[kendahke]

I think you dodged a bullet, overall.

 

But that remark you made would make anyone recoil in horror. It launched him into doing reconnaissance on you.

 

If he's had a bad experience behind a girlfriend cheating on him in the past, you pretty much confirmed his bias that all women cheat, no matter how they live their lives, what nationality or what religion they practice. You may not have intended it to come across that way, but clearly, that's how he's taking it.

 

Move on. This one was dead before it even begun.

Personally I think he was afraid of commitment and looking for an excuse to end things. Haha, mad blunt

 

Haha...nope. This on all on that highly insensitive remark you made.

 

Reminds me of Chappelle's Show "When 'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong". Yeah... ...that.

Edited December 9, 2017 by kendahke

[basil67]

I find it odd that you set yourself up as having strong morals, refusing sex before marriage.....but at the same time say you would cheat if you are with the wrong person.

 

Someone with the strong morals required to not have sex before marriage would not go and cheat. Instead, they would behave in a moral way and end the relationship before moving on.

[Yosemite]

I’m trying to figure out what race has to do with any of this…

 

It’s not surprising that he dumped you after you said that you would cheat. Not sure why you’re surprised by that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your comment about cheating was rude and insensitive. I'm not sure what type of response you expected to that.

[Noproblem]

OMG, people saying I will cheat if you didn't put a ring on it lol

 

 

I would never say to someone I would cheat

 

If I was going to rephrase your words

 

I would say

 

It's either we have a defined relationship or I'm out.

 

Also, what race has to do with this issue anyway?

[bkLatina718]

OMG, people saying I will cheat if you didn't put a ring on it lol

 

 

I would never say to someone I would cheat

 

If I was going to rephrase your words

 

I would say

 

It's either we have a defined relationship or I'm out.

 

Also, what race has to do with this issue anyway?

 

There wasn't any ring talk. He said he didn't think French kissing just to French kiss makes any sense, it's part of a broader sexual act. Me I think it's fine and romantic. That's what I meant if he doesn't do it for me -- I need a man who aligns with my needs.

 

But the cheating comment was just words, not actions. If the relationship is good overall, doesn't that seem a little erratic to just end things? That is my point.

[bkLatina718]

And I think this guy kinda plays games too. He sent me this in an electronic card last week. The last line "safe" has to do with some abusive relationships I've been in the past.

 

 

Why send me this!?

 

Look, I think I was justified in halting our Catholic relationship back in July. No self-respecting guy wants to hear someone he loves mention cheating in any context. I've worked too hard in my life, I wasn't having that.

 

But it doesn't mean my **** doesn't stink, or that I didn't make mistakes with you that I regret. Like being too hard and unforgiving. Perhaps too intense.

 

Nor, frankly, does it mean that your loss in my life hasn't been deeply felt and missed these past 4 months -- because it has. OR that I harbor feelings of ill-will or hatred towards you -- because I don't. I've tried to but I just can't.

 

Or that you don't deserve to be loved and always safe.

 

Wishing you a Merry Christmas.

[bkLatina718]

You pretty much told the guy that you are the cheating type and thus not relationship material. That is more than enough reason to bail on a girl, with or without any disagreements.

 

But aren't words just words?

[kendahke]

And I think this guy kinda plays games too. He sent me this in an electronic card last week.

 

Did this come unprompted and out of the blue?

[kendahke]

But aren't words just words?

 

Never.

 

Context is a thing.

[kendahke]

Did this come unprompted and out of the blue?

 

Never mind... I see that it was.

 

Just chalk it up to him getting closure for himself. Some people have to have the last word.

[bkLatina718]

Did this come unprompted and out of the blue?

 

Yes, just last weekend. And it was rude.

[Yosemite]

Yes, just last weekend. And it was rude.

 

I don't think his Xmas email was rude, which part do you think is rude?

 

It doesn't really sound like you two are that compatible. You think French kissing is fine before marriage, he doesn't. You seem to think that you can say whatever, that "words are words," and don't really count I guess. He puts weight into what people say and acts accordingly.

 

What you posted about the dress pic isn't all that clear...it sounds like he may be controlling, but it's hard to say without clarification on what actually happened.

[Noproblem]

There wasn't any ring talk. He said he didn't think French kissing just to French kiss makes any sense, it's part of a broader sexual act. Me I think it's fine and romantic. That's what I meant if he doesn't do it for me -- I need a man who aligns with my needs.

 

But the cheating comment was just words, not actions. If the relationship is good overall, doesn't that seem a little erratic to just end things? That is my point.

 

Sorry, my bad.

 

Anyway, I feel like when it reaches bargaining and you have to do this or else, that pretty much make the relationship to be stale instead of spontaneous and beautiful

and plus you are saying he is controlling

Get out before it is too late if he can end a relationship over a sexy lame family photo.

Imagine if you two get together what else might upset him and make him go crazy. If he is controlling, he is controlling.

Some girls like that, but not you obviously and definitely not me.

[bkLatina718]

Sorry, my bad.

 

Anyway, I feel like when it reaches bargaining and you have to do this or else, that pretty much make the relationship to be stale instead of spontaneous and beautiful

and plus you are saying he is controlling

Get out before it is too late if he can end a relationship over a sexy lame family photo.

Imagine if you two get together what else might upset him and make him go crazy. If he is controlling, he is controlling.

Some girls like that, but not you obviously and definitely not me.

 

Well, what irritated me about the photo is he was so indifferent. He said "you can do whatever you want" and was so dismissive, like he didn't care.

 

When we first started dating, he sent me a video of the shower running with his dog laying on the floor (back against the tub). He was not in the video, thought it was funny because it was like the dog was in a spa. But I told him not to send me that kinda stuff because it violates my purity....

 

So the guy says that I'm giving mixed signals and being inconsistent. I guess that was the issue with the photo. Personally I don't see the point.

[bkLatina718]

I don't think his Xmas email was rude, which part do you think is rude?

 

It doesn't really sound like you two are that compatible. You think French kissing is fine before marriage, he doesn't. You seem to think that you can say whatever, that "words are words," and don't really count I guess. He puts weight into what people say and acts accordingly.

 

What you posted about the dress pic isn't all that clear...it sounds like he may be controlling, but it's hard to say without clarification on what actually happened.

 

He didn't have any moral issue with French kissing, just said French kissing as an end in itself doesn't make sense. Didn't object to it before marriage, didn't even say he wouldn't do it. Just said he doesn't really see the point. That's what I meant about the "doesn't do it for me" part. We weren't aligned on that, he needs to be open to other needs.

 

On the dress, he thinks that because I talked so much about maintaining my purity that I was giving mixed signals. And when he approached me about it, I said "you're not my man" ... meaning we weren't yet official until he meets my family (which he was supposed to do in 3 weeks).... He had introduced me to his mother however.

 

When I reminded him we weren't official, that's when he said "I'm done with you" on the phone. Because he was spending so much money coming to visit, had introduced me to family, he felt like I dissed him. Which is ridiculous because I was going to visit him soon, even though he paid the hotel room.

[MidwestUSA]

 

When we first started dating, he sent me a video of the shower running with his dog laying on the floor (back against the tub). He was not in the video, thought it was funny because it was like the dog was in a spa. But I told him not to send me that kinda stuff because it violates my purity....

 

WHAT?

 

So the guy says that I'm giving mixed signals and being inconsistent. I guess that was the issue with the photo. Personally I don't see the point.

 

 

I think you two are just a mismatch. He sees a video of a dog as cute and innocent, you have a problem with it.

 

You see a pic of you in a sexy dress with your butt sticking out as cute and innocent, he has a problem with it.

 

I can see why he's getting mixed signals.

 

I'm still not sure what being Latina has to do with it. Can you explain?

[basil67]

He was not in the video, thought it was funny because it was like the dog was in a spa. But I told him not to send me that kinda stuff because it violates my purity....

 

You told him that a photo of a dog in a shower violates your purity. Was this you using meaningless words again? Or did you actually mean it?

 

Curiouser and curiouser.

[Yosemite]

He didn't have any moral issue with French kissing, just said French kissing as an end in itself doesn't make sense. Didn't object to it before marriage, didn't even say he wouldn't do it. Just said he doesn't really see the point. That's what I meant about the "doesn't do it for me" part. We weren't aligned on that, he needs to be open to other needs.

 

So do you. Like his need for you to mean the words you say and not say insensitive things just for the heck of it. He didn’t say he wouldn’t French kiss but because he said that he didn’t see the point, you said that you would cheat on him. Can you not see how your reaction was completely out of proportion to the conversation and was very hurtful?



On the dress, he thinks that because I talked so much about maintaining my purity that I was giving mixed signals. And when he approached me about it, I said "you're not my man" [...] 

When I reminded him we weren't official, that's when he said "I'm done with you" […] he felt like I dissed him. Which is ridiculous because I was going to visit him soon, even though he paid the hotel room.

 

It’s not ridiculous, you said that he wasn’t your man. Basically breaking it off with him because he called you out on your mixed signals. And, sorry, but I agree with him. How on earth can you claim that a picture of a dog in a bath as a spa joke violates your purity but you sticking your butt out while in a sexy dress doesn’t. You’re being inconsistent. You need to take a look at your words and actions and how much you contradict yourself. Ask yourself how you would feel if he said to you the things that you said to him in the way that you said them. I’m betting you would have a meltdown considering that you think his Xmas email is rude when what you’ve told us that you’ve said to him is about 100 times worse.

 

You need to understand that words are powerful and there is always more than one way to say the same thing. There’s a kind way and a rude way. And if you choose to say things in a rude way, you have to accept the consequences of that choice which is hurting people’s feelings. You can call it being real or keeping it 100, but the fact is, you speak in a very rude way and want to pretend that it’s his fault when he has a problem with it.

 

Find someone else who speaks as rudely as you do or try speak more politely to the person whose feelings are supposed to matter more to you than anyone else’s.

[elaine567]

I think culture, language, nuances and expectations did play a big part in this.

He assumed stuff due to his outlook on life and the OP assumed stuff due to her outlook on life and it just didn't match up.

 

I think the OP is probably right, her ex just didn't understand "Latina women" and neither I guess, do many of us here...

 

The OP feels he was trying to find some excuse to leave.

As none of us know the guy personally then I guess her gut may be right.