is he using his ex as an excuse to do things halfway?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

For some odd reason, I feel like I'm paying for my bf's ex's sins. I totally understand heartbreak, been there myself, but my sympathy ends when baggage is brought into a new relationship. The 1st clue to me was when he was hesitant to give me rides from his place or to his place because his ex took advantage of him. We negotiated this and sometimes I take the bus, other times he will pick me up or give me a ride home. I am independent and get myself everywhere I need outside of the relationship.

 

Recently we talked about serious stuff and moving in together came up. I'm a bit old fashioned and I do not believe in moving in together before marriage. He moved in w/ex and makes the argument that he dodged a bullet by seeing the real side of her, though he still stayed quite awhile even though she treated him like crap, as though she completely changed after they moved in. I told him nice people don't become selfish all of a sudden. When I dated, I didn't need to move into a guy's place to see we weren't compatible. He said I was worth the wait and I'm hoping moving in together doesn't come up again.

 

Is he making excuses?

[GemmaUK]

I think certainly with the travelling he's just setting a fair boundary - there's nothing wrong with that.

 

As for the marriage/moving in issue though it sounds like your core values are completely different.

For me that would signal that the guy isn't for me.

 

I am in agreement with him though in that I would rather move in with someone before getting married but I wouldn't take a decision such as moving in lightly.

[Gaeta]

He's speaking out of experience. He's made mistakes in the past and learn his lesson now he's directing his life in a way to not repeat those mistakes.

 

You need to get your drivers licence and a car. It's ok to pick you up at beginning but it's becoming a pain in the neck now. I cannot imagine my bf having to pick me up each time I want to visit him.

 

As for not marrying before living together I agree 100% with him. You don't really know someone untill you live with him. I dated my ex-h for 3 years and he never was agressive toward me during our dating, we then married and moved in together after marrying, within a year I found myself in a full blown physically abusive relationship. I know if I had lived with him first I would have discovered his short temper.

[act00]

I think your boyfriend is in the right mind as far as living together goes. I also agree with you in that you should know enough before moving in, that this is something that's going to work out long-term, whether it be marriage or just living together. Moving in and sharing space is going to be hard, whether there's a ring or not. It isn't a solution or litmus test. You should be highly compatible and know quirks and habits and spent enough time together that certain issues are resolved, changed, compromised upon, or accepted before you're cohabitating.

 

BUT...it's living together that really pulls out the reality. It's being an official couple, ring or no ring. Like Gaeta, it's after the marriage the reality set in. They have you locked, and they don't have to try anymore, and when someone is "in your face all the time," things happen. It's just a different dynamic. It's easy to be on your best behavior in short bursts.

 

The reality is, you just don't know. I would rather live together first.

 

Transportation is a deal-breaker for me. I have no desire to be the taxi or Uber, but when my date doesn't drive, guess who has to do it? Or I'm heartless for not doing it...for not picking up or dropping off. He can go to your place to "hang," but he's always going to have to do the driving. He can pick you up to go to his place and drop you off, and that gets really old, really fast. You need to get a driver's license and a car, pay for Uber or Lyft, or just deal with the fact that you're a big girl and keep doing what you're doing with transport. If you're unhappy with the transportation issues with this guy, find another guy where this is not an issue...we all have our "things" and our deal-breakers. Maybe this is his.

 

I don't know that being required to drive you everywhere is necessarily baggage. For him, maybe it's a live-and-learn situation...he's not doing this again with the driving.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think certainly with the travelling he's just setting a fair boundary - there's nothing wrong with that.

 

As for the marriage/moving in issue though it sounds like your core values are completely different.

For me that would signal that the guy isn't for me.

 

I am in agreement with him though in that I would rather move in with someone before getting married but I wouldn't take a decision such as moving in lightly.

 

Same here.

 

I have lived with two previous boyfriends, and I am glad I didn't commit to marriage before having lived with them. We turned out to be incompatible in ways we didn't realize before moving in.

[kendahke]

How long have you two been seeing one another?

 

You can gain just as much insight about a person by staying over a number of nights throughout the month, too. I don't think it requires moving in with them to see anything, especially if it's too soon to be talking that talk and one of the two of you isn't ready for it.

 

You have the issue of him acting like he's not done processing his ex and punishing you for what she did. Before any talk of moving in together happens, he needs to get that mess sorted and resolved. That should have happened before he came to you.

[smackie9]

He said you are worth the wait so there is no more issue. He has accepted that you won't live together before marriage.

 

TBH he had this point of view before his ex. His ex just confirmed he did the right thing by living together first. I think a lot of people , including myself, think this is a good idea. This isn't the 1950's....today, women have more rights, are independent and have way more say in what happens in the household. That isn't so old fashioned now is it...the dynamic is more complicated than you would think.

 

How about this....as soon as he puts an engagement ring on, then live together as your wedding closely approaches. It will soften the blow as you adjust to it.