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Tips for speed dating


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Old 8th December 2017, 4:41 PM   #1
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Tips for speed dating

Hi there,

So I've gone and done it... signed up for speed dating on near enough the 2 year anniversary of being dumped from my last relationship. And I just don't know what to expect! And it's too late for me to back out now and get a refund...

I feel like I just need some tips because I must be going wrong somewhere... at first I tried dating too soon after my last relationship (around 9 months after) and that was a disaster, now I've tried POF, Tinder and Bumble all with dwindling levels of success...

Basically I am a bit picky with who I swipe on anyway- I'm a bit of a sapiophile- so profiles of some people with a lower education than myself or not in a professional career just tend to switch me off... I'm quite proud of my profession and I want to date someone similar- ideally from a medical or science background. I also have a dislike of excessive tattoos, wild beards and the "posey instagram culture" of today- so I'm finding dating tricky. I've met a few people through work but I don't think it's neccessarily a good idea to date colleagues now.

Anyway- dating for me (when I do eventually get a date) seems to all go the same way. We meet for a coffee or a drink, end up chatting for 2-3 hours about allsorts- science, politics, interests, literature etc and I get the impression it's going well... then I either get ghosted or informed that we "had no connection"...

So I'm trying a new approach. Speed dating- 4 minutes to chat and tell quickly whether there is more of a connection. But I was just wondering if anyone had any tips? What kind of things do you talk about? Is there any particular way to behave?

Thanks for your time
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Old 8th December 2017, 9:18 PM   #2
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Sorry to say Peg that your post is littered with clues as to why people aren't choosing to date you. Look inward and see yourself as others do.
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Old 8th December 2017, 9:25 PM   #3
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Sorry to say Peg that your post is littered with clues as to why people aren't choosing to date you. Look inward and see yourself as others do.
I honestly don't see anything in her post that would suggest this. She has standards, and they seem fairly reasonable ones. What's the problem?
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Old 8th December 2017, 10:04 PM   #4
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I went speed dating for the first time last weekend. I'm 35 and have often contemplated speed dating but never did it until now. I had high hopes for it as previously I'd gotten fed up of all the time wasting that tends to happen with online dating. I'm happy to describe my experience for what it's worth. I'm also in the UK (London), and used Dateinadash.com. I should add that I went more to explore the world of dating and socialise, than with any serious intention of meeting someone, as I'm still fresh out of a breakup.

I went with a friend who is married (with permission from his wife). Having a friend there was helpful for me. I'm not particularly extroverted so it was nice to have someone to chat to while waiting for the event to start. It took place in the basement of a bar. The girls sat on sofas / chairs and the men rotated. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine leading up to it. That, combined with having a friend, removed any nerves that I might have had and I went into it feeling positive and energetic (definitely something you need if you want to achieve anything).

The first tip I would give you is that 4 minutes goes by fast. This can be a blessing if the conversation is awkward, or you know immediately that you're definitely not interested. But on the whole it is actually annoying, and I would have preferred perhaps 6 - 10 minutes. You waste some of the time doing the admin (writing down the name, ticking yes/no) and on down-time between rotations. So it really doesn't leave much time. Even after the first few "dates", having gotten used to how fast it was, I still felt like the bell was ringing every time just as the conversation was getting started. I was generally unable to form much of a conclusion beyond, "she is attractive and seems nice". So don't expect to get much out of it other than an excuse to go on a real date, with essentially a stranger. In that way it is useful, because it bypasses the tediousness of arranging dates in online dating, and lets you weed out the obvious ones that you'd never be interested in.

As a second, related tip, I would strongly recommend that you tick the yes/no box straight away, even though there might not seem like there is enough time. I felt so rushed that I neglected this until the end and then couldn't really remember who anyone was! This probably applies less to you, since you'll remain seated while the men change seats, giving you the precious few seconds needed to carry out this step. I would also suggest writing down one or two words that will remind you who of they were (e.g. their job, or some other keyword from the conversation), and take a picture of your sheet before you hand it in so you can refer to it the next day. I didn't do this, and when I logged on to the site the to view my matches, I had no idea who I matched with. Nobody had bothered to upload a photo either.

The quality of the people was a little higher than I'd been expecting (based on the average online dating profile). There was a mix of people from different cultures and backgrounds. Some professionals, some non-professionals. Mostly graduates. The age bracket was 24-35 (not my ideal choice, but that was all that was available). Most of the girls seemed to be at the lower end of the bracket and the men slightly older, which fit what I'd read before going. I was able to keep the conversation flowing naturally with almost everyone. Only a couple of them were a little awkward. I didn't pay much attention to the men but they seemed fairly respectable and had all made an effort.

Most of the conversations seemed to be interview-style, even though the speed dating advice tells you to avoid this! Typical questions such as job, location, interests, etc. Others were more dynamic. I actually think the interview-style approach might be more appropriate if you have specific requirements (as you say you do). I didn't find this particularly off-putting. 4 minutes is too short to feel bored.

My final conclusion was that I had a fun evening trying something new. I didn't really feel like anything serious could come out of it, but that's probably more the psychological effect of not really feeling much connection with someone that you've only spoken to for 4 minutes. I know a couple of people who had successful relationships from speed dating. Out of 15 girls I matched with 4, which isn't a bad rate. At that point it's back to the numbers game (keep dating the matches until one works out), but I feel like it makes the process a fair bit more efficient. Once I'm more serious about dating, I would definitely consider doing speed dating again. Occasionally they have events targeted towards professionals specifically, so you may want to consider looking out for those if you don't have much luck with the generic ones.
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Old 8th December 2017, 11:24 PM   #5
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I have thought about doing that just for the experience of saying "I did that". If you think you are going to have an actual relationship with that person beyond that 4 minutes of chit chat? Well maybe someone has, but I don't of them. I can't imagine it going beyond the 4 minutes.
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Old 9th December 2017, 1:02 AM   #6
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I have thought about doing that just for the experience of saying "I did that". If you think you are going to have an actual relationship with that person beyond that 4 minutes of chit chat? Well maybe someone has, but I don't of them. I can't imagine it going beyond the 4 minutes.
The idea is that you arrange a real date with the ones that seemed like possibilities. In that way it's no different than online dating.
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:19 AM   #7
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Sorry to say Peg that your post is littered with clues as to why people aren't choosing to date you. Look inward and see yourself as others do.
Everyone has a type- I've just tried dating a variety of people and found that I don't have much in common with certain people and that makes it difficult. I have a masters degree- and I tried dating someone who dropped out of school at age 15- it just didn't work. Our lives and priorities were so different.

It's like I don't bother swiping yes on anyone after a "gym and travel buddy"- I don't match those requirements so I know I'm not what that person is looking for- I don't want to waste their time- and vice versa.
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Old 9th December 2017, 10:22 AM   #8
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Sdraw108- thanks for sharing your experience- I'm hoping it will be a quicker way to see if there is something there- as simply messaging can be deceptive
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Old 9th December 2017, 12:27 PM   #9
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It sounds like you're interviewing people on dates - instead of for a job, for the role of Your Next Partner. It sounds like a smart thing to do in theory but if you don't flirt at all, your dates may be going home thinking "we had a lot in common but it felt like talking to a coworker, she didn't seem interested at all." I used to do that myself. It leads to very few second dates.
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Old 9th December 2017, 12:31 PM   #10
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Everyone has a type- I've just tried dating a variety of people and found that I don't have much in common with certain people and that makes it difficult. I have a masters degree- and I tried dating someone who dropped out of school at age 15- it just didn't work. Our lives and priorities were so different.

It's like I don't bother swiping yes on anyone after a "gym and travel buddy"- I don't match those requirements so I know I'm not what that person is looking for- I don't want to waste their time- and vice versa.
And you have every right. But, I'd encourage you to look at more than just the letters behind someone's last name. And definitely don't inquire directly about it on a speed date.
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Old 13th December 2017, 7:26 AM   #11
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I honestly don't see anything in her post that would suggest this. She has standards, and they seem fairly reasonable ones. What's the problem?
Like the OP, you're also from the UK. The UK is more comfortable with strict separation and inequality amongst classes of people. Its certainly ok to have a type, but it can easily come across a classicism.
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Old 13th December 2017, 7:43 AM   #12
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Hi there,

So I've gone and done it... signed up for speed dating on near enough the 2 year anniversary of being dumped from my last relationship. And I just don't know what to expect! And it's too late for me to back out now and get a refund...

I feel like I just need some tips because I must be going wrong somewhere... at first I tried dating too soon after my last relationship (around 9 months after) and that was a disaster, now I've tried POF, Tinder and Bumble all with dwindling levels of success...
As coincidence would have it, I'm going speed dating very shortly. I did it once before, several years ago.

Best advice I can give you is make sure you make notes while you're talking to people... otherwise you'll never remember who was who. To be honest you can probably expect to get ticked by every guy who finds you attractive, regardless of whether you had much in common or not, so don't worry too much about what impression you're making

Given that your problem is mostly that guys aren't feeling much of a connection with you, you're probably trying too hard to be generic and likeable. Don't. Own your uniqueness. Dress in a way that reflects who you are, talk about things you want to talk about. You might not get on with most people that way, but the ones who are on your level will feel it. And that's the goal, isn't it?
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:20 AM   #13
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Penguin, if you're a sapiophile (and by that I assume you mean you are attracted to a man's mind), are you sure that Tinder and speed dating is the way for you to go?

Tinder and speed dating are surface-level by their very nature. You cannot get to know a man's mind from talking to him for 4 minutes or by looking at his profile - you just can't. As a fellow sapiophile, 100% of the men I have been attracted to have not EVER been on Tinder or speed dating, and it always took time. Is it important for you that the man be attracted to YOUR mind as well? If it is, that makes those avenues doubly bad.

I would caution against automatically associating level of education or professionality with intelligence (even conventional intelligence). If those are additional preferences that's totally fine, but they aren't necessarily one and the same.

Anyway, I get that you don't want to date in your workplace, but that doesn't necessarily preclude you from dating in your professional field. You can attend conferences/societal meetings/journal clubs/workshops for people in your profession and see if you click with anyone. Perhaps also join some hobbyist groups that involve some type of intellectual/scientific hobbies (I'm not single, but I've been part of an astronomer's group for a while now and the people there are largely quite intellectual).

Basically, spend your time looking not for quantity, but rather for smaller numbers of people who are more likely to be compatible with you.
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:23 PM   #14
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I am afraid to do it based on the scene in the 40 Year Old Virgin movie. And I would look desperate doing it.
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Old 14th December 2017, 4:03 PM   #15
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I thought I should come back to this to share my experience!

Overall it was a massively positive experience for me and really gave me a lot of confidence. I was completely myself, talked about a range of different interests with people- not just about work and even made some female friends throughout the evening!

I ticked 4 people out of 18 and received 11 ticks myself which was a definite surprise! I really felt I was unattractive and undateable- so it was a massive boost!

But here's the exciting thing- I've actually ended up with a date with a guy from this! So here is the story.

There weren't quite enough tables when they were setting up- so partners 3 and 4 were put on the same table. Me and a few girls were sat at this table early when guys 3 and 4 came over to chat before starting. I was number 4. Guy number 3 immediately came over and sat next to me and we just started chatting- he was great so many similar interests (he's a physics teacher- so fits my science criteria too), we chatted about work a little, our backgrounds, scifi, politics- how sad he is about Brexit like me- etc etc. And then it turned out 20 mins had passed 😂. There was a delay with the set up and we actually hadn't noticed. We turned around and we had his housemate and the girls I'd just made friends with staring at us watching in surprise! And then he realised he was sat at the wrong starting number and actually his housemate was my first date when it started. And the first thing he said was "so when are you getting engaged to my housemate then after that display!"

At the end of the evening the guy came up again to chat for a bit and so it was no surprise that we matched and he's since arranged a coffee date with me for this weekend! The girls I met said they were in complete shock at how we just seemed to have made a connection and they said he was completely interested by the way he was looking at me and was really reluctant to start the speed dating after!

So in summary I've decided- things like Tinder aren't really going to be for me as I am interested in people's intelligence and mind. Speed dating is probably too quick to tell (but better than Tinder) but I think I just needed to be put in a room with a single guy to chat😂. I'm really excited for this coffee date to see where things go! He sent me a text saying he couldn't wait to spend more time with me 😊.
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