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Life without OLD


mortensorchid

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mortensorchid

I said a while ago that I was going to get away from OLD at last. I made this decision for a few reasons. It took me a long time to reach this conclusion about it, but I realize that many of the websites (paid or not) are products that are being sold to us. They promise to do one thing for you, then you try it out and find out otherwise. Think of other products that do the same - tooth whitening strips, for example. And we learn after having used all these websites / apps, everyone falls into certain behavior patterns depending on the person before you. I have had a few successes with it, but otherwise not much of anything else. To say that you have made a few friends here and there is an accomplishment.

 

I can say that I have had in all the years I did it 3 actual relationships with people (two I dated for a while, one was a sexual one but we didn't go into it thinking that's what it would be, but that's another thread and that was a long time ago now). The rest of the time it's the same thing: meet someone in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, have an evening of chit chat, then you and that person part ways and you never hear from them again 25% of the time. 75% of the time you get a few text messages the next day from the person and then it tapers off and goes no where. And ... That's that.

 

Why do we do it? Because we can't think of anything else to do with our time in order to try to meet people, because being online is addictive, and because we're lonely. Having tried out this product countless times, I said I am done and I don't want to do it anymore. Why? Because that's not what I want. What I want is to be with a person who wants to be with me (not because he's bored and looking for something to do), not a snob who thinks he is better than anyone and everyone, and not be a mismatch with someone. And that's what my OLD experience has been like.

 

Now that I am not doing it? I feel a certain loneliness to be sure, but I lead a pretty isolated life to begin with (I am a multi-district substitute teacher, having just let go of my last job as a job coach to coach special people to work a job, and starting up soon as a home health aide), I rarely if ever meet people to date, but I think if I never did OLD this would be the same results. This is how we live in general.

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Why do we do it? Because we can't think of anything else to do with our time in order to try to meet people, because being online is addictive, and because we're lonely. Having tried out this product countless times, I said I am done and I don't want to do it anymore. Why? Because that's not what I want. What I want is to be with a person who wants to be with me (not because he's bored and looking for something to do), not a snob who thinks he is better than anyone and everyone, and not be a mismatch with someone. And that's what my OLD experience has been like.

 

I think you should have started this paragraph with why am I doing it, and not *we* as we all did it for different reasons and we all had different experiences and results out of it. I did not do it because I was lonely, I did it because I had a busy life and a life style that did not includes bars and clubs and meet-ups. I was also not addicted to it, from the moment I met my bf 2 years ago I have never set foot on a dating sites. While single I could not wait till the day I wouldn't have to use it anymore.

 

I also disagree with your analyze that people on dating sites are dating out of boredom or are some type of snobs going through a catalogue. I met my bf online, my brother met his wife online, several of my friends met their gf-bf online and none of them are snobs, they are all stable normal people.

 

If online does not suit you then don't use it but no need to bash it and to kill it for someone else who'd have tried it before reading your post.

 

Online is simply reflection of what you find in real life. I met men in real life without using online and they were not better.

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Eternal Sunshine

The problem is that past a certain age, I can go up to 2 years without meeting any single men in my age group. And I mean ANY. Let alone someone that I like who likes me back. So it's OLD or nothing.

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I'd have to agree with Gaeta here.

 

These may be your experiences but they are not everyone's.

 

The rest of the time it's the same thing: meet someone in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, have an evening of chit chat, then you and that person part ways and you never hear from them again 25% of the time. 75% of the time you get a few text messages the next day from the person and then it tapers off and goes no where. And ... That's that.

This is far different to my experience with OLD. I've never yet had anyone tapering off in contact, ghost on me or stand me up for a meet/date.

 

 

Why do we do it? Because we can't think of anything else to do with our time in order to try to meet people, because being online is addictive, and because we're lonely.

Again, these were not my reasons for joining OLD sites.

If I had been in that frame of mind those reasons would have actually stopped me from signing up or chatting with people. If I was feeling low it's not fair IMO to be out on the dating scene. That would be like looking for a crutch to solve my problems.

It's up to me to be in the best frame of mind when dating.

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Good post OP. I m kinda on the same wavelength as you. Ive been OLD since 2005!

 

 

My last attempt at OLD was back in May of this year. I really liked the girl and thought it was going to go somewhere but in August she dumped me. I was first internet date. That's the thing. When you don't like a small thing about someone. They go back online thinking the next person is better than the next. That was my mentality in the early years of OLD. It gets addictive.

 

 

I ve done old for 12 years now. 12 years! Out of all that time I must have had up to 20 dates during 10 years. Its not a lot but I know some who have had a lot more within 1 year. Out of the 12 years Ive only had only one long term meaningful relationship. The others lasted only 6 months or they were a flings that lasted 1 to 2 months. I still haven't found someone that stayed.

 

 

About 75% of the girls I met on OLD faded or ghosted on mtr. The rest are about. Short term relationships or flings that affected me badly.

 

 

You have to emotionally strong with OLD and develop a thick skin. I was tired of the constant rejection, the games after all the initial excitement thinking this was it. She was going to be the one.

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Eternal Sunshine

It's different for everyone. For me the worst part is meeting up with men and feeling like there is no connection. The whole date feels like a chore and I can't wait to get out of there.

 

Rejection doesn't bother me. I have been rejected by some after few dates but at least I had fun. No regrets with those experiences.

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See OLD just as a 'tool' or a way to meet people you wouldnt meet in real life.

 

Ive been doing it - on and off, for about 12 years. I took a lot of time off of course.

 

I will agree with gaeta that people you meet there won't be different from 'real life' encounters.

 

There has been a drastic change for me about 7 years ago and I havent been meeting anyone outside of OLD. For the better, or the worse.

 

Eternal Sunshine is onto something, people past 30 will attract the same kind of people: aging bachelor and bachelorette who never really ''settled down'', and don't have children or had few LTR.

 

I am in that boat. I never really lived with someone, that does ''scare off'' some women, those who are interested will be like me. I am capable of being in relationships but I need ''me time'' too.

 

So I cannot really blame OLD as a tool. When relationships fails, there can be thousands reasons, no different from meeting people at weddings or parties.

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I don't really feel the same as you. I see OLD as a tool to meet people who also exist in a world like mine. I'm not in a place where I can easily meet single men. It just doesn't happen like when I was younger and existing in this smorgasbord of available singles...and that was no guarantee you didn't run into jerks. I'm busy. I'm tired. I don't have a ton of money to work with as it pertains to involving myself in social groups. I still have my kids at home, and I always have people around. I'm surrounded by people at work and my job requires me to always care for someone else. I work and I started working out, and I have stuff to do at home, errands to run, and I like my alone time and solitude when I get it. I'm not lonely, but I do get lonely. When my birds leave the nest, I might find myself in a different place as far as loneliness goes, but for now, I'm okay with myself and my life, and while yes, I would like to find "the one," and I do feel pangs of want and lonely, I'm okay with my world.

 

I wouldn't say I'm addicted. I just disabled my profiles. I haven't really met anyone through the site in awhile, so I'm not suffering any type of loss or empty feeling. It's good to take a break once in awhile. Focus on other things. I don't see it as a catalogue, snobbish, or necessarily a horrible place. There are definitely a lot of frogs. There are frauds. It's not a perfect place. It is what it is.

 

I've met some nice men and had some good experiences, though nothing has stuck long-term, and that's disappointing and sometimes feels hopeless. Meeting IRL has it's benefits in that you know going in that there's some chemistry beforehand, but that's still no guarantee the guy won't be a jerk or things will work out long-term, and how you met this person can really disrupt your life...a friend of a friend, a coworker, someone who goes to the place you like at the same time...six of one, half a dozen of the other.

 

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work, but I see it as a useful tool to meeting people you wouldn't otherwise meet because we are in a place in our lives where meeting other singles is harder to do.

 

One thing I have learned is don't spend a lot of time texting back and forth or talking on the phone. Meet in person as soon as possible. No meet, no text. That cup of coffee, a drink, is really the next best thing to meeting someone in IRL...go from there.

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We attract what we are has never been so true.

 

I think your attitude has a lot to do with your lack of success with online. If you are on there being negative and bitter you will not meet interesting people but also bitter and negative people. To me, in this thread, you sound defeated so it's normal you go from fail to fail. To accomplish something you need to beleive in it to start with. Even after 200 fail I still beleived I would meet a good man....and I did.

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Must admit ,although l don't like it very much , l do wonder what will become of me if l dump it now that l'm back on the singles heap.

 

Joined a few wks back , met a few women just to meet them really , knew it wasn't more but yaknow how it is , we got to talking .Well one was great cook , had the best meal ever, chinese , my fav'

Talking to a few others , nothing much happening though , zero interest in any more than just some chit chat.

 

There has been a few l've really liked already so that was encouraging except but they didn't like me back , f@ck it.

Butttt, just looking about really, don't like it at all though.but , if the right women was to come along , who knows l suppose .

But l also aren't meeting people right now in life, work alone , live alone, and not doing that much apart from, sh@t town, so l dunno.

For me it's a bit like l sorta wanna see if there's anything goin on but if l don't join a date site with my life right now there'll def' be nothin goin on.

 

But then life doesn't always work like that ,there can but nothing but then some chance encounter, next minute your married off , happens,

So l dunno .

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