Affair to relationship & cheating - have sat on this for a while

[durhammatt]

hi all

 

I'd like to start with an overview of my position, last year I had an EA that turned into a PA, I am now in a relationship with that person and things are going well.

 

We were both in the same boat at the start of the affair as both unhappy in LTR, my situation was more complex as children involved and more connections with partner, she left her partner quite soon and what followed was a very hard 6 months - the push/pull and 'drug' of the affair was constant and I battled with the guilt of leaving and breaking up a family - my partner turned from being in the same position to being the 'other woman'

 

Things reached a head towards the end of the year where we had a major fallout, she had started to become more distant and after the fallout told me she didn't want anything to do with me until I sorted the situation out, we live in different cities and contact was stopped for a period of time - seeing how hurt she was at this point was the push i needed to put words into action and i moved out shortly - we have built the relationship since then and there has been challenges to overcome given how we started but we are now in a good place, some bumps in the road but she has met the children, my ex and families.

 

However a few months ago I found out something that I've sat on and need advice and opinion hence my post - I'd been suspicious about something and did something that was dishonest, I checked my partners messages with one of her friends and read the fateful words 'that guy I slept with last year' - I was devastated and typing now is hard - I scanned the messages and found out it was a one night stand in another town - it happened just after the big fallout and is obviously something she has kept from me - during this period I was very paranoid that she was meeting other people and this had proved that my gutfeel was right, however also from the messages it was clear that it was a one off and no one else before or after.

 

If i'm being brutally honest with myself then I can't blame her for doing it, however hard it hurts, she was 'single' and my inability to end my relationship had hurt her more and more - she wasn't in a relationship with me and had ended all contact - however I know that I didn't have any physical contact with my ex after I'd slept with my now partner and I feel incredibly hurt that she has been with someone else - I am self pitying but maybe it was just deserved for my inability to end things quickly.

 

There are however a couple of things that make it harder for me, a couple of weeks after the above she instigated contact with me and we met, she was incredibly close to me and pushed me even harder to move out, i find it incredibly difficult knowing that she had been in bed with someone else the week before - my mind is full of unanswered questions on what happened that night.

 

The second is that before I found this out we had one of many heart to heart conversations and she told me that whilst there had been opportunities during that period she was never with anyone else - I now know this to be a lie - she also pushed me hard for honesty around the contact with my ex which I find slightly hypocritical.

 

I've sat on this for a few months now, it has got easier and I think about it less but I really don't know what to do, whether just to forgive/forget in the background or try and get it out in the open - things are good between us and I don't want to plunge us back into last year after putting so much effort into building the relationship and winning her love.

 

So any advice or opinion would be really appreciated

 

matt

[Redhead14]

hi all

 

I'd like to start with an overview of my position, last year I had an EA that turned into a PA, I am now in a relationship with that person and things are going well.

 

We were both in the same boat at the start of the affair as both unhappy in LTR, my situation was more complex as children involved and more connections with partner, she left her partner quite soon and what followed was a very hard 6 months - the push/pull and 'drug' of the affair was constant and I battled with the guilt of leaving and breaking up a family - my partner turned from being in the same position to being the 'other woman'

 

Things reached a head towards the end of the year where we had a major fallout, she had started to become more distant and after the fallout told me she didn't want anything to do with me until I sorted the situation out, we live in different cities and contact was stopped for a period of time - seeing how hurt she was at this point was the push i needed to put words into action and i moved out shortly - we have built the relationship since then and there has been challenges to overcome given how we started but we are now in a good place, some bumps in the road but she has met the children, my ex and families.

 

However a few months ago I found out something that I've sat on and need advice and opinion hence my post - I'd been suspicious about something and did something that was dishonest, I checked my partners messages with one of her friends and read the fateful words 'that guy I slept with last year' - I was devastated and typing now is hard - I scanned the messages and found out it was a one night stand in another town - it happened just after the big fallout and is obviously something she has kept from me - during this period I was very paranoid that she was meeting other people and this had proved that my gutfeel was right, however also from the messages it was clear that it was a one off and no one else before or after.

 

If i'm being brutally honest with myself then I can't blame her for doing it, however hard it hurts, she was 'single' and my inability to end my relationship had hurt her more and more - she wasn't in a relationship with me and had ended all contact - however I know that I didn't have any physical contact with my ex after I'd slept with my now partner and I feel incredibly hurt that she has been with someone else - I am self pitying but maybe it was just deserved for my inability to end things quickly.

 

There are however a couple of things that make it harder for me, a couple of weeks after the above she instigated contact with me and we met, she was incredibly close to me and pushed me even harder to move out, i find it incredibly difficult knowing that she had been in bed with someone else the week before - my mind is full of unanswered questions on what happened that night.

 

The second is that before I found this out we had one of many heart to heart conversations and she told me that whilst there had been opportunities during that period she was never with anyone else - I now know this to be a lie - she also pushed me hard for honesty around the contact with my ex which I find slightly hypocritical.

 

I've sat on this for a few months now, it has got easier and I think about it less but I really don't know what to do, whether just to forgive/forget in the background or try and get it out in the open - things are good between us and I don't want to plunge us back into last year after putting so much effort into building the relationship and winning her love.

 

So any advice or opinion would be really appreciated

 

matt

 

So, you had an affair with a mutual cheater and now your worried that she cheated????

[durhammatt]

started as an affair but ultimately both left partners at the time to start a relationship together

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You built this relationship upon fog of affair. And still are in limerence. Unfortunately, you just got stuck into the monkey branching game. How old are you two now? It may give credence if she is actively shopping for mate material or she is just riding the carousel....

[Redhead14]

started as an affair but ultimately both left partners at the time to start a relationship together

 

A "relationship" built on dishonesty and deception is a "relationship" built on sand.

 

It started as an affair and will likely end with one . . .

[Minnie09]

It’s quite understandable that she was trying to find another relationship, or some distraction, while you were sorting things out at home, especially if you didn’t give her the impression that you were serious about things. If you were reluctant to end your then-current relationship in order to be with her, you cannot hold it against her that she tried to seize other opportunities.

 

Of course it is a problem that you have found out without her admitting to it, and with her giving you dishonest explanations. To be honest, I would bring it up, you’re still in the beginning of your relationship, and that’s a good opportunity to clean the slate. You’re still in the beginning stages, so try to clean everything off the table right now, before you move in together, before you have an even more serious relationship and before you get engaged or married. It’s only going to get harder down the road.

[BluesPower]

I knew you would get some jabs...

 

And there are some people that have made it through the stage you are at.

 

Here is the deal, you must see the irony of you cheating with your OW/MW, and you being upset that she went out and got laid when you were broken up.

 

Yes you need to talk to her about it, but you need to get over it. Turn about is fair play. Of course she should not have lied, but then you two are both liars because you were having an affair.

 

Further, maybe you and her should set your sites on something other than sexual fidelity, because it would seem that both of you deal with hurt feelings by having sex, something I have been criticized for myself.

 

Maybe you guys need to talk about some deep stuff like, "From here on out no more lying", and "full and open communication".

 

You both are going to have to do some work if you want to stay together.

 

But it can and has been done before so you guys can do it as well...