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Urgent...Friends or more? Should I text her?


Sandwoman

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Six months ago, I (F/26) needed a place to stay, a friend (F/32) kindly offered her home while she's away, so I spent two days with her boyfriend in their beautiful apartment. Her boyfriend was the nicest guy ever, cooked for me, we shared the same interests and had some deep conversations (strictly platonic). It was like the kind of friendship you form in college when you meet someone awesome you just naturally bond and develop this emotional intimacy by talking for hours and hours. We texted each other occasionally afterward (platonic but sweet). The girl and I remain kind of friends although we almost never hang out. I see them at social events with common friends. She's also a well-known public figure. They always show up as a couple.

 

Fast forward six months later, her boyfriend and I hang out once to catch up (strictly platonic). A week later the boyfriend texted me to have a long, intense conversation. He revealed that he's been severely depressed recently. Their relationship hasn't been functioning for months and they are finally breaking up. He was asked to move out. He also shared some dark details about the relationship that he's told no one besides family. It was clear he was completely heartbroken, devastated, and disoriented. I consoled him and said we can hang out if he wants to talk. We set up a date to hang out this weekend.

 

Today, he mentions he really has nowhere to stay before he moves in with her sister. Thinking he treated me so kindly when I was homeless, I said he could stay a few days at my place if he needs to (I have a spare guest room). He’s super happy and thanked me for being an amazing friend, he will only stay four nights.

 

Now I’m afraid it’ll look very bad if she finds out he’s staying with me. Or even worse, think I cheated with her boyfriend when she offered her home to me…The girl and I never text and we aren't very close. Should I text her to let her know I’m hosting him to help out as a friend (before he tells her)? Or should I just ask him to keep this a secret?

 

To be honest, I’ve always felt attracted to him since we first hang out. I do believe the attraction is mutual to a certain extent. Because she’s a friend and a public figure in my field, I never thought I’d do anything. But now I’m afraid something might happen and I’ll stupidly put myself in a dangerous situation in terms of reputation…

 

Am I thinking too much about this? Please share your insights.

Edited by Sandwoman
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I also want to add that although things have been mainly platonic between us, our texts can be interpreted as "too sweet." We'd occasionally send super cute memes, the kind you send to your best girlfriends to show love and support. But nothing more. Except for this time after I offered my place, he said "thank you and much love" which make me think this is going to be trouble...

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This situation is often dangerous, but I'll try and nut this out anyway.

 

Was it a clean breakup or was it really messy? If it was a clean break that they both agreed to, then it's not as much of a problem. I'm assuming your friend knows about how the two of you are friendly, so she *may* see it as a friend helping out a friend. Of course, she may also see that as taking sides, which is where it's up to you to make it clear she's still a friend, and that he's staying in the spare room. The issue is if something were to happen with the guy while he was staying with you, you'll be essentially a rebound.

 

If it were a messy breakup then it will similarly be (very!) messy for your friendship. He has an alternative (his sister's place) so I would suggest to him to use that. It really matters what you value more.

 

In either case open communication with your friend is paramount. If he stays with you and she finds out you were keeping that secret, that won't end well no matter which way you look at it.

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This situation is often dangerous, but I'll try and nut this out anyway.

 

Was it a clean breakup or was it really messy? If it was a clean break that they both agreed to, then it's not as much of a problem. I'm assuming your friend knows about how the two of you are friendly, so she *may* see it as a friend helping out a friend. Of course, she may also see that as taking sides, which is where it's up to you to make it clear she's still a friend, and that he's staying in the spare room. The issue is if something were to happen with the guy while he was staying with you, you'll be essentially a rebound.

 

If it were a messy breakup then it will similarly be (very!) messy for your friendship. He has an alternative (his sister's place) so I would suggest to him to use that. It really matters what you value more.

 

In either case open communication with your friend is paramount. If he stays with you and she finds out you were keeping that secret, that won't end well no matter which way you look at it.

 

Thank you for your response. Yes, now I realized it does seem very dangerous for me, especially she's much more established in the field and we are interconnected professionally. The circle is small...He's moving into his sister's space. He just needs 4 days in between...I think I only have two choices now...

 

1. Text the girl and explain the situation.

2. Ask him to swear to keep this a secret (which still sounds very dangerous...)

 

No matter what...I've decided it's a terrible idea to let anything happen between us outside of a platonic friendship.

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So I'm planning to text her something like this...

 

"Dear, how are you? xxx talked to me about needing a place to stay. It sounded rather serious. I'm not sure what happened but feel terribly sorry. You’ve both been so kind to me in the past so I thought I could at least help out when any of you needs somewhere to stay for a few days. I happen to have a spare guest room for four days and was planning to spend most of the time at a friend’s place anyway, so I told him he could use the room. I hope you are ok with this and things get sorted out soon. Let me know if you want to talk or anything. Best of luck on (her project)! miss you, xoxo"

 

Do you think this text is safer than keeping it a secret?

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She offered you her place to stay. It wasn't his generosity. It was hers. Second, if he's kicked out when they break up, sounds like he was also living off her generosity.

 

How can a grown man not be able to afford his own place to live? Why is he dependent on the generosity of other women--his ex, sister, now you--to avoid homelessness??? Second if he's the couch surfing, free spirit kind, has he no male friends with whom he can crash? Can't he stay at a hotel for four days? Why can't he go to his sister four days earlier?

 

I'm sensing that you're all tingly and full of butterflies for him, but lots of red flags flapping over this one. The fact that you considered lying and hiding what's happening is another big sign that this would be a poor decision. I would steer clear of this mooch and the drama he's angling to bring into your life. Serious doubts that he will limit himself to a four-day stay if you let him in. It's a lose-lose proposition for you on every possible level. And the same way that once he's kicked out, he's bad mouthing her and painting a "dark picture" of her that you never suspected, is the same MO he'll use when you finally kick him out of your place.

 

All that glitters isn't gold.

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She offered you her place to stay. It wasn't his generosity. It was hers. Second, if he's kicked out when they break up, sounds like he was also living off her generosity.

 

How can a grown man not be able to afford his own place to live? Why is he dependent on the generosity of other women--his ex, sister, now you--to avoid homelessness??? Second if he's the couch surfing, free spirit kind, has he no male friends with whom he can crash? Can't he stay at a hotel for four days? Why can't he go to his sister four days earlier?

 

I'm sensing that you're all tingly and full of butterflies for him, but lots of red flags flapping over this one. The fact that you considered lying and hiding what's happening is another big sign that this would be a poor decision. I would steer clear of this mooch and the drama he's angling to bring into your life. Serious doubts that he will limit himself to a four-day stay if you let him in. It's a lose-lose proposition for you on every possible level. And the same way that once he's kicked out, he's bad mouthing her and painting a "dark picture" of her that you never suspected, is the same MO he'll use when you finally kick him out of your place.

 

All that glitters isn't gold.

 

Actually, they shared the rent of their apartment, he was also paying more. She just really wants the apartment to herself now that they've broken up. He's currently unemployed but I feel like he just really trusted me and yes, attraction is involved. Tbh, I also suspect that maybe he wants her to know I'm letting him stay with me to make her jealous.

 

His sister is leaving in a few days so he can take up her room, then he'll go home for christmas for a couple of weeks when he looks for a new apartment.

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Also we live in the most expensive city in the world. Cheapest hotel is $200 per night...and I also wanted to be a good friend to talk and help him get over this.

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Imho thats backstabbing. I wouldnt be ok with it. I can only see your friendship ending badly. Friends are forever. Guys come and go. If you sleep with him chances are he wont be your "forever" guy. So fastforward you've lost her and now him. And more than likely they get back together ( seen it a thousand times)

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Do not text her this info. Call her & speak to her. Tell her you wanted to hear it from you so she didn't think anybody was doing anything behind her back. Say that he was nice to you when you stayed at her place & you are returning a favor by letting him stay in your guest room.

 

 

If you do eventually date him understand that the price will be your friendship with her. That will be over, even if your relationship with her depressed EX doesn't last.

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This is the worst idea I've ever read on here. AirBnB would be what I would have suggested to you and what I suggest to him... even a hostel would be preferable to this. The minute you found out that her boyfriend was going to be staying at her place while she was gone (how stupid is she that she would let you stay with him while she's away?), you should have begged off and gotten out the AirBnB app and looked for a place to stay.

 

Motel6 would have been preferable to this.

 

You are actively engaged in an emotional affair with this "friend"'s boyfriend.

 

The minute you began texting and hanging out, however platonically, set the stage for him to come to you to unload about how unhappy he is with her. That is how affairs begin--him discussing things with you that are none of your business and should be discussed with either her or a therapist, because what you are doing is kicking open the door to his intimacy in his head and you do not belong in there.

 

The fact that you give him an audience shows your complicity in this affair. And that's what is it: an affair--an insidious affair because you are actively trying to sell yourself on the notion that you're being a nice friend and being platonic--but that's all a front because you said this:

 

I’ve always felt attracted to him since we first hang out. I do believe the attraction is mutual to a certain extent. Because she’s a friend and a public figure in my field, I never thought I’d do anything. But now I’m afraid something might happen and I’ll stupidly put myself in a dangerous situation.

 

Am I thinking too much about this?

 

No... you didn't think at all. You let your libido have its head.

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Also we live in the most expensive city in the world. Cheapest hotel is $200 per night...and I also wanted to be a good friend to talk and help him get over this.

 

Unless you're a licensed relationship therapist, you can't help him with anything but directions to your bed.

 

And even if you were a licensed relationship therapist, it's against ethics to shrink your friends.

 

So this is how you actually feel about this friend of yours, because as my tag line says:

 

| |

V V

Edited by kendahke
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His sister is leaving in a few days so he can take up her room, then he'll go home for christmas for a couple of weeks when he looks for a new apartment.

 

All that time he spent regaling you with stories about her "dark side" could have been spent securing housing. Why hasn't he been looking for his own place? Why is he waiting until after Christmas?

 

Why doesn't he go home to his parents now instead of moving in with you for four days? He's unemployed. What's tying him down to your neighborhood?

 

You aren't looking to help him. You're looking to help yourself to him now that you see an opening. This won't end well for you personally or professionally. No matter how this turns out, you'll be seen as the bad guy in this. Lots of other guys around. There is no need to inflict this type of drama or this type of person on yourself. What he's doing to her, he'll do to you.

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All that time he spent regaling you with stories about her "dark side" could have been spent securing housing. Why hasn't he been looking for his own place? Why is he waiting until after Christmas?

 

Why doesn't he go home to his parents now instead of moving in with you for four days? He's unemployed. What's tying him down to your neighborhood?

 

You aren't looking to help him. You're looking to help yourself to him now that you see an opening. This won't end well for you personally or professionally. No matter how this turns out, you'll be seen as the bad guy in this. Lots of other guys around. There is no need to inflict this type of drama or this type of person on yourself. What he's doing to her, he'll do to you.

 

Yes I agree...but he's really in a devastated state right now, so I think he's not thinking clearly at this point. They've been together for years and the terrible breakup just happened. I mean he's a mess. He's just wallowing and depressed and unemployed is looking for as much support as he can get.

 

Yes you are right, at the moment I just thought I'd take him in to offer him support and housing for a few days so he can feel better about the situation. I mean we've stayed together alone in the same apartment before (his girlfriend suggested it). Nothing happened. They offered me housing and food and emotional support when I was homeless for a few days, that's why I thought I'd return the favor when he's in crisis...

 

I really wasn't thinking at all...and should've protected myself a lot more. I guess the problem is I already said yes. What do I do now? I don't want to be the bad guy pulling up an obviously fake excuse...

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Why doesn't he go home to his parents now instead of moving in with you for four days? He's unemployed. What's tying him down to your neighborhood?

 

He's also a freelancer and has a few gigs that require him to be here before Christmas and then he'll go home with his sister together. It's just four days gap in between.

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You aren't looking to help him. You're looking to help yourself to him now that you see an opening. This won't end well for you personally or professionally. No matter how this turns out, you'll be seen as the bad guy in this. Lots of other guys around. There is no need to inflict this type of drama or this type of person on yourself. What he's doing to her, he'll do to you.

 

Yes subconsciously when he came to me (**** primary instincts...) But now I think more clearly, I will not let it happen and ruin my reputation. I will definitely not be romantic with him. I'm sure if I make it clear I'm just being a friend, nothing will ever happen.

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Unless you're a licensed relationship therapist, you can't help him with anything but directions to your bed.

 

And even if you were a licensed relationship therapist, it's against ethics to shrink your friends.

 

So this is how you actually feel about this friend of yours, because as my tag line says:

 

| |

V V

 

Yes I suppose subconsciously I don't really like this "friend" of mine...and feel much connected to her boyfriend. No I will not lead things to the bedroom.

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Imho thats backstabbing. I wouldnt be ok with it. I can only see your friendship ending badly. Friends are forever. Guys come and go. If you sleep with him chances are he wont be your "forever" guy. So fastforward you've lost her and now him. And more than likely they get back together ( seen it a thousand times)

 

We aren't close friends (more like acquaintances...) but professionally I really hope we can be closer. Yes, you are right. Sleeping with him is out of the picture.

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We aren't close friends (more like acquaintances...) but professionally I really hope we can be closer. Yes, you are right. Sleeping with him is out of the picture.

 

 

 

I reiterate. If you hope to preserve any kind of connection with HER you must call her & tell her that her EX will be staying with you. If she finds out from any other source, she will never again trust you. Also because this is so delicate, you can't text or e-mail.

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ok. I just asked him if he was going to tell her he's staying at my place. He said no she doesn't need to know unless I'm ok with it.

 

what do i do now...

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ok. I just asked him if he was going to tell her he's staying at my place. He said no she doesn't need to know unless I'm ok with it.

 

what do i do now...

 

Do you honestly need a bunch of strangers to tell you how to open up a can of "act right"?

 

Since you asked: put him on block and quit dealing with him. He's a grown man--he will figure it out.

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Yes I suppose subconsciously I don't really like this "friend" of mine...and feel much connected to her boyfriend. No I will not lead things to the bedroom.

 

Sure you will. Remember? You've been attracted to him since the first day you laid eyes on him.

 

You're willing to backstab her and she's done nothing to deserve this treatment out of you.

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ok. I just asked him if he was going to tell her he's staying at my place. He said no she doesn't need to know unless I'm ok with it.

 

what do i do now...

 

 

You don't have to tell her but if you don't then she will never trust you again & any chance you may have had to preserve the friendship or the professional opportunities will be gone.

 

 

It's your choice. Both are equally valid -- telling her & not telling her. Even if you tell her, she may still chose to disassociate with you but if she finds out later, that will raise all sorts of suspicions & deserved or not will sully your reputation in her mind.

 

 

She may try to convince you not to let him stay there but that isn't relaly her call.

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Sure you will. Remember? You've been attracted to him since the first day you laid eyes on him.

 

You're willing to backstab her and she's done nothing to deserve this treatment out of you.

 

 

And professionally? Nah... once she finds out that you two have been doing this, AND SHE WILL, your professional relationship and I dare say reputation, will be mud and she may be one of those kinds of people who'll make sure it follows you no matter where you go.

 

You messed up by even staying at her place once you found out he was there instead of doing AirBnb.

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I agree that this is a bad idea. The best course of action is to tell him that you've had more time to think about it, and that you've realised it's a bad idea.

 

I'm just imagining myself in this scenario. One of my male friends' girlfriends staying 4 nights with me just after they've broken up. No way! It would be the friend staying with me, not the girlfriend. The latter is just so far beyond anything I can imagine doing.

 

I think you're blinding yourself to how bad of an idea this is. You've had several people tell you this on this thread, and you're coming back with "what should I do?". You know what you should do, the question is what are you going to do?

 

At the very least you must call her and tell her what is going on (and I think the choice of wording you gave an example of sounded very defensive, as if you know you've done something wrong!). I'm not endorsing this solution, but something tells me you're going to go through with allowing him to stay, so this is the next best plan.

Edited by sdraw108
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