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I'm shy and have social anxiety, how do I get a girlfriend?


Optimist23

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I'm tall, good looking, and I work out, so I'm in great physical shape. I definitely have a backbone, and won't allow anyone to disrespect me, I just get nervous in a lot of social settings. This stops me from trying to take any girls out. I think I have a bad mentality with them. I think things like "its too hard to get them attracted to me (personality wise), Im gonna fail, their standards are too high," etc.

 

Can you please give me some tips on how I can get a girlfriend? Thanks.

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Seek out some therapy for your anxiety. A dating coach might be a good option. They will physically run through some scenarios, and take you out in the field to try out some skills they just taught you.

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Seek out some therapy for your anxiety. A dating coach might be a good option. They will physically run through some scenarios, and take you out in the field to try out some skills they just taught you.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am in therapy right now and am working on decreasing my anxiety. I never considered going to a dating coach though. That sounds like a good idea. I might try that.

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Ruby Slippers

Look into Toastmasters. It's a network of groups where you can develop your speaking on your feet skills, at any level. I did it for a while, and it helped me with public speaking, presenting, and socializing. I also met some very cool people.

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Look into Toastmasters. It's a network of groups where you can develop your speaking on your feet skills, at any level. I did it for a while, and it helped me with public speaking, presenting, and socializing. I also met some very cool people.

 

I've heard that's good for people who need to develop those skills for work, but for somebody like him with social anxiety it seems like it might actually be a traumatic experience.

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Let go of the mis-applied label. You do not have social anxiety. You are a normal regular person who is shy. Period. The label is self defeating & you are setting yourself up for failure. If you actually had social anxiety you would not have a backbone.

 

You say you are in great shape physically. That means you work out, right? You didn't just wake up one day in tip top shape. You went to the gym, you did your exercise routine, you ate right. . . you worked for that shape. If you told yourself every day you were a 98-pound weakling who had no business being in a gym, do you think you would have the same level of success you enjoy now? Of course not! You probably have a great self talk about exercise -- get up, get moving, one more rep, one more set. Right? Apply that to this.

 

Learning to be social is no harder than learning the self discipline you need to be in great shape. Use the positive motivations you use at the gym to just smile & say hello to people. Start slow. You exercised at lower weights & fewer reps when you started working out. Same principle.

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Me too. Just let them know before you go out that you'll be quiet and shy for the first couple of dates. If they don't understand, let them go.

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I'm tall, good looking, and I work out, so I'm in great physical shape. I definitely have a backbone, and won't allow anyone to disrespect me, I just get nervous in a lot of social settings. This stops me from trying to take any girls out. I think I have a bad mentality with them. I think things like "its too hard to get them attracted to me (personality wise), Im gonna fail, their standards are too high," etc.

 

Can you please give me some tips on how I can get a girlfriend? Thanks.

 

Well, here's my take on it. you can't "get a girlfriend". A women usually had to chose you and pick you as her "boyfriend". True, it has to go both ways, but women usually do all the picking.

 

A few simple tips:

- learn to relax and be yourself

 

- don't try too hard or focus too much on the fact that they are females and have a different set of naughty parts than you. learn to think and treat and talk to them like real individuals. some have personalities that you like. some have personalities that you will not like. its generally much easier to be social and have meaningful conversations with people whos personalities you do like.

 

- learn to develop a sense of humor about stuff and not take things too seriously. if a girl turns you down, laugh it off and dont read into it too much or take it personally.

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I appreciate all the input guys. Thanks. I'm wondering if I can get advice from some females also.

 

Quite a few female posters were in that bunch of replies ;)

 

Anyway, I'm female. Have you been formally diagnoses with social anxiety? If not, I agree that you shouldn't be labeling yourself because the label will become self fulfilling.

 

You can't encourage girls to like you. All you can do is be engaging and good company and see if any of the girls start to show interest in you. Don't write off anyone who's not interested in you romantically, because if they become good friends, they will bring you to events where you will get to meet more women.

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Quite a few female posters were in that bunch of replies ;)

 

Anyway, I'm female. Have you been formally diagnoses with social anxiety? If not, I agree that you shouldn't be labeling yourself because the label will become self fulfilling.

 

You can't encourage girls to like you. All you can do is be engaging and good company and see if any of the girls start to show interest in you. Don't write off anyone who's not interested in you romantically, because if they become good friends, they will bring you to events where you will get to meet more women.

 

Thanks. I actually wasn't aware that a lot of females responded. I checked profiles and realized you're right though.

 

I actually was diagnosed with Social Anxiety a couple years ago. I'm not sure if that diagnosis still stands today though because I've improved a lot through working on myself. I still feel very uncomfortable in group settings and talking in small spaces though. I'm confident that I can get past these issues I just don't want to keep delaying my dating life until I get better socially. Do you think I should try to look for a shy girl while I get myself together?

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Let go of the mis-applied label. You do not have social anxiety. You are a normal regular person who is shy. Period. The label is self defeating & you are setting yourself up for failure. If you actually had social anxiety you would not have a backbone.

 

You say you are in great shape physically. That means you work out, right? You didn't just wake up one day in tip top shape. You went to the gym, you did your exercise routine, you ate right. . . you worked for that shape. If you told yourself every day you were a 98-pound weakling who had no business being in a gym, do you think you would have the same level of success you enjoy now? Of course not! You probably have a great self talk about exercise -- get up, get moving, one more rep, one more set. Right? Apply that to this.

 

Learning to be social is no harder than learning the self discipline you need to be in great shape. Use the positive motivations you use at the gym to just smile & say hello to people. Start slow. You exercised at lower weights & fewer reps when you started working out. Same principle.

 

Yes, consistently working out in the gym requires a lot of positive self-talk and discipline. I'm very good at that. I'm so good at it that I can be a little overly motivated sometimes. Thanks for the tips. You made some good points. I have actually been working on personal development and improving my social skills for a long time. I have gotten better, but still haven't felt comfortable enough to approach girls. I'm confident that I will get there, I just don't know how long it will be. I don't really want to keep delaying. I'm 28. I'm wondering if I should try to date girls that are shy or not that attractive for now just to have some romantic company.

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Thanks. I actually wasn't aware that a lot of females responded. I checked profiles and realized you're right though.

 

I actually was diagnosed with Social Anxiety a couple years ago. I'm not sure if that diagnosis still stands today though because I've improved a lot through working on myself. I still feel very uncomfortable in group settings and talking in small spaces though. I'm confident that I can get past these issues I just don't want to keep delaying my dating life until I get better socially. Do you think I should try to look for a shy girl while I get myself together?

 

A few posts so far have called your anxiety a mislabel, but I'll assume it's true for now*. I've been in a slightly similar situation. I struggled with social anxiety for almost my entire life (didn't realise it until a year ago), and through counselling and work on myself I was able to bring it under control. I've been in a relationship the whole time though so I can't say I've tested it against dating.

 

The fact you say you've improved a lot shows a lot of the work has been done. *So the label doesn't stick like it once did. Keep putting yourself in group situations, get more comfortable, use your therapy to help with that. A shy girl might be able to relate to you, but if that isn't compatible with your true self you will find she will tend to hold you back. That doesn't mean don't try though, you'll only work that out after a few dates!

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I'm wondering if I should try to date girls that are shy or not that attractive for now just to have some romantic company.

 

If you can see yourself having a future with them, then sure, date them. It's nice to see a guy who can appreciate a woman who's not the life of a party or a beauty queen.

 

But don't use women just to fill a gap in your life.

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Yes, consistently working out in the gym requires a lot of positive self-talk and discipline. I'm very good at that. I'm so good at it that I can be a little overly motivated sometimes.

 

You are so good at working out in the gym as it is a distraction and a delaying tactic, you justify the time spent and you tell yourself that it is all helping to get you that girl, but whilst you may look slightly better with a bit of tone, you are not really going to wow anyone by spending hours and hours essentially alone and obsessed by your own muscles in the gym.

 

It is a bit like having a horrible, dreaded essay to write before Monday, and you spend all week-end cleaning and tidying your apartment instead.

Yes you now have a lovely place to stay, and yes you did not really waste your time, but the essay is still to be written...

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I appreciate all the input guys. Thanks. I'm wondering if I can get advice from some females also.

 

Lots of women posted replies.

 

p.s. OP.. you "may" also want to stop using terms like "I have a backbone" and "disrespect me". Everyone on the planet has a backbone and likes to be treated with respect. Sometimes you will run into people that you have zero vibe .. or even a negative vibe with. Best to learn to develop a sense of humor and just let it slide and move on.

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I have actually been working on personal development and improving my social skills for a long time. I have gotten better, but still haven't felt comfortable enough to approach girls. I'm confident that I will get there, I just don't know how long it will be. I don't really want to keep delaying. I'm 28. I'm wondering if I should try to date girls that are shy or not that attractive for now just to have some romantic company.

 

Probably most men don’t feel comfortable when approaching women, but they do it anyway. Maybe you should just do it while uncomfortable. I’m sure there are days that you don’t feel like working out in the gym, but you go anyway. Being social and approaching women should be like that…something you do even though you may not feel all that comfortable.

 

Also, work on developing friendships with men.

 

What advice does your father give you?

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But don't use women just to fill a gap in your life.

 

Great point. I think I have to do a little work on myself before I start dating. I might just have some phone conversations with girls I match with on Tinder just for practice.

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Lots of women posted replies.

 

p.s. OP.. you "may" also want to stop using terms like "I have a backbone" and "disrespect me". Everyone on the planet has a backbone and likes to be treated with respect. Sometimes you will run into people that you have zero vibe .. or even a negative vibe with. Best to learn to develop a sense of humor and just let it slide and move on.

 

Everyone likes to be treated with respect, but not everyone has a backbone. I know people that were verbally abused by their partner constantly, but they miserably stay in the relationship. Also, some people at my job get disrespected by other co-workers and don't know how to speak up for themselves and don't know how to distance themselves. I've seen it over and over.

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