Confusion

[threeofone]

I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. She is a second year in college and I am few years older than her. By the end of the first month I felt I was leading her on because she obviously showed a lot of interest in me. Had a talk with her that I felt like this relationship wasn't going to be serious and

that if she was looking for a serious relationship we shouldn't see each other anymore. She wanted to contiue seeing me and asked if that meant we could see other people. I said yes and she started crying. Found out later that she confided with her friend that night and she told her to stop seeing me but she didn't listen.

 

The next month went by pretty normally but the amount of time spent with each other increased. Towards the end of the month we were spending the night at each others place 4 times a week. We also had another little emotional talk on her side and she asked if we should stop seeing each other. I said that was up to her. Well we are still seeing each other. Anyways the weekend before Halloween, she went to a few parties. She didn't invite me to any of them however. Which honestly bothered me a bit. She knows I work early mornings on the weekend but still. However she did text me saying how she wished I kept her home cause the parties ended up sucking anyways.

 

Current month and we have been spending so much time together. We almost see each other 5 nights a week. She constantly wants to hang out with me and go do things. Making plans in the future and even giving up time with her friends for me. She even asked me if I wanted her to go back home later or come back earlier for Christmas so she could see me longer/sooner.

 

The only real issues I have with our "relationship" is that I feel like she keeps me separate from her friends. She has a huge social circle and I basically have none. I asked her a few days ago if she found out about a party to invite me. She told me she didn't want me to go with her to parties because that is another person she has to worry about. Really? But she constantly wants to do other things with me. She did actually invite me to a club once earlier on but I couldn't go due to work. I caught her few days ago accidentally calling me her boyfriend. Another thing is that she doesn't actually live in my city. So whenever a holiday comes, she goes back home (not far but still). Which is also going to be an issue when school is over and we probably won't see each other for 3 months. Last issue I have with her is that she will randomly give me a silent treatment. Few examples being:

 

1) Got her to go to the gym with me to run for an hour. After we were done she didn't speak to me for a solid 40 minutes with her excuse being, "I don't have anything to say".

 

2) Having a good ol'e time and we stopped by Arbys. While we were waiting for the rest of our food I jokingly tried to stick a fry in her mouth. She went silent on me for an hour with, "I don't have anything to say" as her excuse.

 

3) This was a few nights ago. I brought her over my place after we came from a date and everything was fine for about 1.5 hours until her mother called. After the phone call she went silent. I tried cuddling her and etc. Honestly I think it was about her brother that I think passed on that day a few months ago. I'm not sure if that was the right day but yeah. Anyways she still remained quiet and had tears on her face. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she wouldn't tell me. Eventually I told her that if she isn't going to speak her mind that I can't have her just crying in my bed. I did try to comfort her the entire time. I told her that if she doesn't open up that she needed to go home. A few minutes later she actually got up and started putting on her clothes. I didn't think she would actually leave. So I got up and hugged her and told her that I didn't want her to leave. We kissed for a bit and hugged some more. We eventually ****ed and she was alright again.

 

 

We both enjoy spending time together but I just don't know what I really want with this whole deal. I would like some advice.

[iVisa]

It's all a bit weird. Maybe ask one more time about going out with her friends? If she will want to hide you again, it can mean this relationship is wrong.

[threeofone]

She did mention that if anyone she was dating were to come up to her and her group of friends it would be awkward and she didn't want them doing that. She said one guy did that and started acting weird and made things awkward for her.

 

I'll admit that I can be a little introverted at points. But just to people I just met. I'm not a social butterfly by any means but I can still hold a conversation. I think she probably thinks that either 1) I'm not gonna have fun at the party, 2) embarrass her/keep her hooked to me the entire night so she doesn't have fun or 3) scared that I may hit on other girls / having girls hit on me. 3) is because we aren't technically exclusive yet even though we spend like 5 days a week together. Which could be the actual reason. Because before we had our talk she had invited me to a club. But it still doesn't make sense because even while we are on campus she still holds onto me like I am giant teddy bear.

Edited November 23, 2017 by threeofone

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. She is a second year in college and I am few years older than her. By the end of the first month I felt I was leading her on because she obviously showed a lot of interest in me. Had a talk with her that I felt like this relationship wasn't going to be serious and

that if she was looking for a serious relationship we shouldn't see each other anymore. She wanted to contiue seeing me and asked if that meant we could see other people. I said yes and she started crying. Found out later that she confided with her friend that night and she told her to stop seeing me but she didn't listen.

 

The next month went by pretty normally but the amount of time spent with each other increased. Towards the end of the month we were spending the night at each others place 4 times a week. We also had another little emotional talk on her side and she asked if we should stop seeing each other. I said that was up to her. Well we are still seeing each other. Anyways the weekend before Halloween, she went to a few parties. She didn't invite me to any of them however. Which honestly bothered me a bit. She knows I work early mornings on the weekend but still. However she did text me saying how she wished I kept her home cause the parties ended up sucking anyways.

 

Current month and we have been spending so much time together. We almost see each other 5 nights a week. She constantly wants to hang out with me and go do things. Making plans in the future and even giving up time with her friends for me. She even asked me if I wanted her to go back home later or come back earlier for Christmas so she could see me longer/sooner.

 

The only real issues I have with our "relationship" is that I feel like she keeps me separate from her friends. She has a huge social circle and I basically have none. I asked her a few days ago if she found out about a party to invite me. She told me she didn't want me to go with her to parties because that is another person she has to worry about. Really? But she constantly wants to do other things with me. She did actually invite me to a club once earlier on but I couldn't go due to work. I caught her few days ago accidentally calling me her boyfriend. Another thing is that she doesn't actually live in my city. So whenever a holiday comes, she goes back home (not far but still). Which is also going to be an issue when school is over and we probably won't see each other for 3 months. Last issue I have with her is that she will randomly give me a silent treatment. Few examples being:

 

1) Got her to go to the gym with me to run for an hour. After we were done she didn't speak to me for a solid 40 minutes with her excuse being, "I don't have anything to say".

 

2) Having a good ol'e time and we stopped by Arbys. While we were waiting for the rest of our food I jokingly tried to stick a fry in her mouth. She went silent on me for an hour with, "I don't have anything to say" as her excuse.

 

3) This was a few nights ago. I brought her over my place after we came from a date and everything was fine for about 1.5 hours until her mother called. After the phone call she went silent. I tried cuddling her and etc. Honestly I think it was about her brother that I think passed on that day a few months ago. I'm not sure if that was the right day but yeah. Anyways she still remained quiet and had tears on her face. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she wouldn't tell me. Eventually I told her that if she isn't going to speak her mind that I can't have her just crying in my bed. I did try to comfort her the entire time. I told her that if she doesn't open up that she needed to go home. A few minutes later she actually got up and started putting on her clothes. I didn't think she would actually leave. So I got up and hugged her and told her that I didn't want her to leave. We kissed for a bit and hugged some more. We eventually ****ed and she was alright again.

 

 

We both enjoy spending time together but I just don't know what I really want with this whole deal. I would like some advice.

 

You've sent her a lot of mixed messages so of course she doesn't want to bring you around her friends. Her one friend told her early on to end it with you after you basically told her she was only a hookup to you. What exactly DO you want from this girl? She's probably embarrassed to bring you around her friends because you've made her feel unimportant to her.

 

As far as the numbered list:

 

1. What happened on the run? Were you teasing her? Pushing her hard? Putting her down in any way?

 

2. At Arby's maybe YOU were having a grand ole time, but maybe she doesn't like someone shoving food in her face.

 

3. It doesn't sound like you know how to properly comfort a crying woman. When you tried "cuddling, etc.", what do you mean? Fooling around? Maybe you should have stuck with actual comforting, let her just be upset if she needed to be instead of telling her she'd have to leave if she didn't "open up." It sounds like you were very insensitive in this moment and this incident alone would be enough for me to advise this girl to end her relationship with you, to be honest.

[threeofone]

You've sent her a lot of mixed messages so of course she doesn't want to bring you around her friends. Her one friend told her early on to end it with you after you basically told her she was only a hookup to you. What exactly DO you want from this girl? She's probably embarrassed to bring you around her friends because you've made her feel unimportant to her.

 

I've made her feel unimportant to her? I don't understand.

 

As far as the numbered list:

 

1. What happened on the run? Were you teasing her? Pushing her hard? Putting her down in any way?

 

2. At Arby's maybe YOU were having a grand ole time, but maybe she doesn't like someone shoving food in her face.

 

3. It doesn't sound like you know how to properly comfort a crying woman. When you tried "cuddling, etc.", what do you mean? Fooling around? Maybe you should have stuck with actual comforting, let her just be upset if she needed to be instead of telling her she'd have to leave if she didn't "open up." It sounds like you were very insensitive in this moment and this incident alone would be enough for me to advise this girl to end her relationship with you, to be honest.

 

 

1. We were just on the treadmill next to each other. We both put our headphones on and ran.

 

2. She was talking and laughing and I just grabbed a fry and jokingly tried to stick it in her mouth. I've done it before with no issues and she just laughs. Didn't mean any harm by it.

 

3. You are right. I've never had to deal with a crying woman. I didn't try to fool around with her. At first she wouldn't budge but then I got her to roll over and cuddle. I rubbed her head for a long while and just tried to help her feel better. Then she was getting dressed. I got up and hugged her and then she lifted her head and I gave her a kiss. Gave her another kiss and then we cuddled more. Then we eventually had sex and she was fine again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1. We were just on the treadmill next to each other. We both put our headphones on and ran.

 

2. She was talking and laughing and I just grabbed a fry and jokingly tried to stick it in her mouth. I've done it before with no issues and she just laughs. Didn't mean any harm by it.

 

3. You are right. I've never had to deal with a crying woman. I didn't try to fool around with her. At first she wouldn't budge but then I got her to roll over and cuddle. I rubbed her head for a long while and just tried to help her feel better. Then she was getting dressed. I got up and hugged her and then she lifted her head and I gave her a kiss. Gave her another kiss and then we cuddled more. Then we eventually had sex and she was fine again.

 

In the words of Dr. Phil, it sounds like she has trouble "regulating her emotions." Have no clue about #1 unless she wanted to chit-chat while you ran.....or didn't want to run at all and you pushed her to do it....?

 

What's the deal with her brother dying?

[GemmaUK]

From the outset you didn't want anything serious so I'm not sure why you're either expecting to meet all her friends or seeing her so often - you seem to want the 'boyfriend title and everything that goes with it whilst not wanting to be her boyfriend - sounds like you're FWB - albeit FWB that sees each other often.

 

Shoving food in her face - yeah, I'm sure she laughs it off - she really should have told you not to do that by now - that kind of stuff is just plain irritating, not to mention disrespectful and humiliating whether in public or not. Must be like dating a toddler who isn't listening to what she says and is rather waiting for an opportunity to start a food fight or wants the attention back on him rather than listening to what she is talking about.

 

'I have nothing to say' isn't silent treatment - she is telling you she hasn't got anything to talk about (and when she does talk she gets food shoved in her face - which may well discourage her from talking).45 minutes or whatever you said it was is not a huge amount of time being quiet when you say you see each other so often.

 

She was clearly visibly upset after the call, for her own sake she probably should have left, you're not at all bonded emotionally enough for speaking about something that's obviously and understandably a sensitive subject.

Again, if she wanted to talk, she quite possibly thought you'd not really listen and might find something to shove in her face or distract her from talking in some other way.

She instead took the option for the kind of comfort where you were fully involved (sex) which requires little emotional intelligence or empathy from you. She doesn't have to talk then and therefore won't get questioned as to why she isn't talking nor will she experience not being listened to.

You did ask her to open up but I think by this point in time she may well feel there isn't much point as she has already seen that you don't take her seriously.

From all you have posted too there doesn't appear to be an emotional bond between you and not once have you said anything nice about her or anything you like about her.

 

She is stuck in a rut right now, so recent a close family member's death has also very possibly lead her to caring less about herself ad maybe doing things out of character to some extent. Experiencing that kind of thing at such a young age is a harrowing experience. I know, I've been there with losing someone close and at a similar age to her.

She is vulnerable and is getting a 'form of' comfort from you but it doesn't sound like she'll stick around for long - it's a bit like a rebound if you will.

I kinda hope for her that as Christmas comes up and she will no doubt be thinking of her brother much more that she realises this is just really a sex and physical closeness thing rather than an emotionally healthy thing.

 

I wouldn't introduce a guy to my friends if there wasn't a good emotional connection either.

[threeofone]

In the words of Dr. Phil, it sounds like she has trouble "regulating her emotions." Have no clue about #1 unless she wanted to chit-chat while you ran.....or didn't want to run at all and you pushed her to do it....?

 

What's the deal with her brother dying?

 

I'll admit that I kinda pushed her into running. As for her brother, I have an idea judging by other things she has told me but I have not asked her out right nor has she given me any info.

 

From the outset you didn't want anything serious so I'm not sure why you're either expecting to meet all her friends or seeing her so often - you seem to want the 'boyfriend title and everything that goes with it whilst not wanting to be her boyfriend - sounds like you're FWB - albeit FWB that sees each other often.

 

Shoving food in her face - yeah, I'm sure she laughs it off - she really should have told you not to do that by now - that kind of stuff is just plain irritating, not to mention disrespectful and humiliating whether in public or not. Must be like dating a toddler who isn't listening to what she says and is rather waiting for an opportunity to start a food fight or wants the attention back on him rather than listening to what she is talking about.

 

'I have nothing to say' isn't silent treatment - she is telling you she hasn't got anything to talk about (and when she does talk she gets food shoved in her face - which may well discourage her from talking).45 minutes or whatever you said it was is not a huge amount of time being quiet when you say you see each other so often.

 

She was clearly visibly upset after the call, for her own sake she probably should have left, you're not at all bonded emotionally enough for speaking about something that's obviously and understandably a sensitive subject.

Again, if she wanted to talk, she quite possibly thought you'd not really listen and might find something to shove in her face or distract her from talking in some other way.

She instead took the option for the kind of comfort where you were fully involved (sex) which requires little emotional intelligence or empathy from you. She doesn't have to talk then and therefore won't get questioned as to why she isn't talking nor will she experience not being listened to.

You did ask her to open up but I think by this point in time she may well feel there isn't much point as she has already seen that you don't take her seriously.

From all you have posted too there doesn't appear to be an emotional bond between you and not once have you said anything nice about her or anything you like about her.

 

She is stuck in a rut right now, so recent a close family member's death has also very possibly lead her to caring less about herself ad maybe doing things out of character to some extent. Experiencing that kind of thing at such a young age is a harrowing experience. I know, I've been there with losing someone close and at a similar age to her.

She is vulnerable and is getting a 'form of' comfort from you but it doesn't sound like she'll stick around for long - it's a bit like a rebound if you will.

I kinda hope for her that as Christmas comes up and she will no doubt be thinking of her brother much more that she realises this is just really a sex and physical closeness thing rather than an emotionally healthy thing.

 

I wouldn't introduce a guy to my friends if there wasn't a good emotional connection either.

 

 

Whoa, dude you are taking the whole food in the mouth thing a little too serious. She literally does the same thing to me as well. You act like all I do is shove food in her damn face. Yes, at the time I wasn't sure what I wanted. In my heart, I felt what we had at the time was extremely one sided. She showed insane interest in me and my conscious was telling me to simply have the talk with her, which I did. She could have walked away but she didn't and now we see each other even more.

 

I will admit I have no idea how to deal with a woman crying. Especially one who could have been crying about her brother. I could have just left her there crying. Believe me I tried to comfort the **** out of her. I literally tried everything I could think of and SHE is the one who actually looked up at me and puckered her lips for a kiss. I do care for her. I just did not know what to do during that moment.

 

As for the "Not having anything to say" meaning she doesn't have anything to talk about is bs. Our 5th date she came over and I had a picture of my ex on my desk and she went from bubbly and happy to quiet for 4 hours. It wasn't until I finally asked her if it was the picture of my ex and she said yeah. Told her the story and she was fine again.

 

I didn't mention anything I liked about her because that is irrelevant to my topic. She is fun to be with, we have excellent humor, she is kind and caring and cute. If I didn't like her I wouldn't spend nearly as much time as I do with her. We even spend the nights together when she is on her period and doesn't want to have sex. So sex isn't everything in this relationship.

 

As for the I want her all the girlfriend aspects with out committing, that comes from a previous relationship where I invested too much into someone too soon and got burned. Does that make it right for me to do, no? Could I ever see myself being her boyfriend, yes.

[LoverOfDance]

OP

 

Why haven't you told her how you feel? What haven't you told her that you can now see yourself being her boyfriend? Right now, to her, you are just a guy who is casually dating her and who doesn't take her seriously. I wouldn't introduce you to my friends either. Deep down, I think the situation you have with her isn't really what she wants. I think she wants more and has always wanted more. At some point, she might finally find the strength to leave your situationship.

 

You need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that things have changed and that she means more to you now. Don't just assume that she knows.

[act00]

OP, you seem to be spending a great deal of time pushing her away. It was pretty cruel to tell her to leave if she didn't open up to you. Do you have siblings? That would be a very painful loss, and even worse for a parent. I really don't think I would open up with any vulnerability with someone who has made it very clear he's not in this relationship and just wants open and casual.

 

At the first discussion, stating you didn't want anything serious, I think that's fine to be very clear on your intentions, and she made the choice to stick around, and this is the status quo that you established and have seemed to have maintained. Why would she bother opening up to you or telling you anything or even bring you into her group of friends when you really aren't interested in being her boyfriend? If you want more, and if you want this to be a relationship, long-term and serious, it's time for another talk. You were able to speak up when you didn't want more. Now speak up that you do want more and see if she's still in it and wants the same.

 

One nice thing about relationships and being together is you don't always have to talk. The silent treatment is an issue, however, especially if whatever is bothering her blows up later and is out of proportion or greenstamping. I married one of these, but he was abusive, so I'm a bit hypersensitive to it, even if this silence can be considered normal behavior. She should learn to open up, at least long enough to let you know she needs some time, and then she needs to follow through instead of pout for 45 minutes. You have no idea if it's something you did or said, or if it's something else entirely. This is a communication issue that can be improved upon, and if you aren't busy pushing her away and let her know you're in this relationship and you don't want to see other people and you want to be exclusive, it might bridge that gap.

[clia]

You told her you didn't want a serious relationship and that you were both free to date other people. Her friends obviously think she is wasting time with you, so it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't want to bring you around them. It's an awkward situation -- she's likely embarrassed. I don't understand why you would expect her to integrate you into her life when you've explicitly told her you don't want anything serious with her. It makes no sense.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I will admit I have no idea how to deal with a woman crying. Especially one who could have been crying about her brother. I could have just left her there crying. Believe me I tried to comfort the **** out of her. I literally tried everything I could think of and SHE is the one who actually looked up at me and puckered her lips for a kiss. I do care for her. I just did not know what to do during that moment.

 

 

Then use this as a learning experience. I'm a 45 year old woman who has had a lot of experience with crying, so take my advice . What you should have done is just let her cry, ask her one time if she wants to talk about it, and when she said no, maybe just put your hand on her leg or your arm around her. Don't try to cuddle the **** out of her. Just let her have her moment. And be patient. That's all you have to do. Maybe make her a cup of tea.

[Yosemite]

How much older are you? I’m really curious to know how you met.

 

There are so many contradictions in your posts. You don’t want to be labeled her boyfriend, but you want to be introduced to her friends. You’re not social, but want to go parties with her. You don't have any friends, but you want to be introduced to her friends. You think that she should be A-OK with you having a pic of your ex on your desk. You pressure her into running for an hour and don’t understand why she’s not happy and peppy afterwards. You “catch her” calling you her boyfriend (did you call her out?), but you can see yourself being her boyfriend in the future. You can’t understand that basically saying “perk up or get out” is one of the most cruel things you could possibly say to a person especially when you believe that she’s upset because of her brother’s passing.

 

OP, you’re lucky this girl is putting up with all of this, I’m guessing that the only reason she’s doing so is because of how young and inexperienced she is. I’d clean up my act if I were you…starting with getting rid of the pic of your ex.

[jcm 800]

Then use this as a learning experience. I'm a 45 year old woman who has had a lot of experience with crying, so take my advice . What you should have done is just let her cry, ask her one time if she wants to talk about it, and when sh esaid no, maybe just put your hand on her leg or your arm around her. Don't try to cuddle the **** out of her. Just let her have her moment. And be patient. That's all you have to do. Maybe make her a cup of tea.

 

This is sound advice here. I used to react the same way as you, and all it did was cause further problems and resentments because my ex didn't feel she could cry and let it out without me blowing things up further and trying to solve the problem.

 

It's not a comfortable situation when your partner is crying, but both of you and the relationship will ultimately be much better if you step back. If she's comfortable enough to cry in front of you, she'll be comfortable enough to confide in you when she's ready. Just let her know you'll be there.

[kendahke]

You need to either fish or cut bait.

 

Her friends probably don't like you because of how you are going about all this--they may think that you're using her and if you come around them, you're going to leave without any kind of doubt in your mind how they feel about you. So it's best you don't go around them. This is what you wanted, so why do you want to be so up in her social circle when you really don't want to be involved with her?

 

She's completely acting like someone who is in a relationship and you are acting like you're 45% there. She's not about to "let you in" because that position is only for someone who is 100% there... that guy ain't you by your own admission, so quit expecting her to open up her vulnerabilities to you when you don't want any part of that heavy lift.

 

You need to quit being so emotionally selfish and leave her alone if you can't give her what she said she needed from you.

[threeofone]

Alright so I apologized to her yesterday about that night she was crying. She simply told me it was okay and that she is extremely bad at expressing her emotions.

 

I'll have another talk with her the next time I see her in person.

 

Thanks for the advice.