Do you marry for love or practicality? 25f/30m, 5 year LTR.

[lovevspracticality]

I'm at a junction of the age-old "do I marry for practicality or love?" I'm going to try and structure this with as much ease of readability as its 5 years of history, compressed into a difficult decision that I've been struggling with for some time.

 

About me: I'm 25 years old. I've worked in a corporate position for the past 5 years and make a reasonable income on my own. I am highly hobby driven and have been running a successful and passionate side-hustle business on my own for the past 3 years. I'm creative and have very traditional family ideals - I want to drop the corporate life and stay at home once I have children and raise them, while continuing my business at my leisure for a little extra money. Children, a home, a husband and hobbies are my priority. I aspire to the 1950's housewife life, and that's how I live, every single day. Looking after the home is my main priority and has been since I moved in with...

 

Boyfriend: 30 years old. No children. No baggage. Withdrawn, callous grouchy stoic type with a huge work ethic. He's the type of man who wants to earn money, has no formal education and cannot hold a conversation outside of his labour-driven work - none of these are bad things, they just are who he is. His hobby was hunting - something we mutually bonded over prior to him gaining the position he's now in and has no time for anymore. Nice enough guy, minimal friends, not a goal-creating type - just a money making, rough bloke. He is NOT a bad man.

 

The relationship: We started dating 5 years ago very casually, and eventually I just stopped leaving his home and moved in. There was no conversation about dating or moving in, it just happened. In 5 years we have never discussed marriage, children or indeed, anything future driven. Everything in our relationship has just "happened." He and I are incredible business partners; his job means I see him for 3 months out of a year and this has been the case for the past 3 years. He pays 90% of the bills and earns 4x what I do. We have sacrificed a lifestyle by living in a very small cheap apartment the past 5 years in order to create some serious wealth between us. Together we make an enormous income, particularly for people our age (Nearly 300k combine, the majority of it is his income).

 

We purchased some acreage in a great area, paid the land off, and are now in the middle of building a house together. My "Barbie Dream House" - with all the trimmings and luxuries I could ever want and have ever dreamed of. He leaves me alone to do this and he pays the bills as they come in. We haven't really talked about it. I drew the plan, he nodded, I asked if he was happy with it, he nodded. I asked if I could have xyz, and he just nodded. He isn't interested in any of it, except the shed he's building for his tinkering. It was the only part he took any interest in. He leaves it to me otherwise.

 

We have no financial issues and are on track to have the mortgage paid off very comfortably in less than a decade.

 

Between us, in 5 years, we have built up a very strong financial foundation. The trouble is....

 

We don't feel anything for one another. The idea of having children with him worries me - he will never be home but he will do his darndest to give them - us - everything financially. We have at least one "blow out" every time he comes home. It has, in the past, escalated to violence.

 

We have mismatched libidos (mine is much higher and much wilder). We have not kissed in years though we have regular sex when he's home. I got an IUD 4 years ago to ensure I did not get pregnant to him. It has been hellish, and I keep it because I am not ready to be locked down to him without figuring this out. He is very satisfied in our sex life, I am not.

 

We do not talk and have no combined hobbies or interests. He hates my horses, but he bought me house on land so I could keep them at home (its things like this that makes me think he acts but doesn't talk). We live in separate areas of the house, but sleep together when he's home. The past 3 years are been tumultuous and unsteady, seething almost, with the last 6 months being almost "accepting", like we are just waiting for the house to be built so we can have the "life" we have been grinding towards.

 

He has had indiscretions which, are unfortunately, common in his line of work. We didn't talk in length about them, but know we both awknowledge we know. I have too this year. He doesn't know about them.

 

I have no idea how he feels about me, except that he tolerates me. And I tolerate him. We are civil, mostly. We don't talk when he's home except for a little small talk about about the house. We sometimes have a little fun together, like going shooting in Winter. We can't go on holidays together because he steadfastly refuses to get a passport, and isn't interested in travelling Australia with me. When we have travelled in the past, it always ends up in a fight about nothing.

 

We do not enjoy/get along with one anothers family. Again, its a "tolerating" situation, moreso than enjoyable. We "get through" holidays with each others families.

 

My friends do not like him and have not approved of him since day one. His friends do not like me at all and can't see why we are still together. We have no mutual friends.

 

If we met now, we couldn't even be friends. There is no common ground.

 

I was okay with this setup for a long time. I kept thinking about this house, the wealth we were building, and that if I stuck around and helped support him and create a comfortable like, that he would relax. I coasted through the first 3 years trying to light some fire with us, but it didn't happen.

 

When I drop him off to the airport after a week or two home, there's no kiss or cuddle. It's a "have a good flight and text me when you land." He does, and that's the last I hear from him bar a good morning and a goodnight text.

 

He asks nothing from me but to keep the house clean, cook, and to ensure he has a pleasant enough time while he's home. I do this and retain a pleasant demenour - until we fight. We fight dirty. We haven't been able to break this pattern.

 

So, I cracked the ****s and started travelling. Alone. Meeting people. I've met people in the past year who have changed my entire life. I've collected wonderful friends, supportive friends, exciting friends and experiences. I've seen their relationships and and lives and how enormously different they are to ours. My partner and I don't laugh together, have fun together, or even really enjoy one anothers company. He has no interest in meeting these people or hearing about the things I have done or seen while travelling. We text maybe once a day each when I'm away. The travels are self funded, by the way, not gravy-trained by his income.

 

I'm 25. I'm getting too old to be picky or mess around. I do not think I would have problems finding someone else with time, hopefully far more compatible eventually, bit I am frightened of losing this life we have created. I have it good - really good - by all standards and looking around at my friends. I have a life for 9 months out of a year while he's slogging away in awful conditions. I'm with friends, travel and a beautiful home and my horses and garden. I can go to the grocery store and buy a $33 tub of Vegan organic ice cream and not think twice about it. I'm enormously grateful of the work he does and what he's given me, and the opportunities this life has offered us. But I am so unhappy. So so unhappy with the relationship. And he can't be either, surely. He doesn't act it. He refuses to talk about it and we have devolved into co-existing with short interludes of happiness.

 

tl;dr: got exactly what I asked for when I was younger. A steady, financially solid relationship and a Barbie-dream house - kicker is there's no love. Just practicality. Our compatibilities end at creating wealth.

Edited November 23, 2017 by lovevspracticality

[smackie9]

I did it for both. And why not have both?

[Highndry]

To be frank, this guy sounds like a d**k, and that's coming from a guy who isn't quick to sell another guy down the river. Physical abuse is an absolute no-no. If he'll hit you, he may kill you one day.

 

Materialism is no reason to hang onto this sorry relationship, much less consider kids. This is a no-brainer, get out while you're young, unless a $33 tub of vegan ice cream to soothe your black eyes and crushed psyche is your idea of happiness.

[Buriall]

As they say "be careful what you wish for, you might just get that" you two are great business pals.

 

However i do not see love here..I don't know whom im supposed to laugh with and have fun if it isnt my partner....thats not a partner to be honest

 

Obviously youre here looking for something because youre missing something in your relationship and i think you've found what youre looking for. Now the question is, is this the person/life you want for the rest of your life? you have to make some serious life changing decision here..

[BaileyB]

You lost me at "we have one major blow out everytime he comes home and it has escalated to violence."

 

Do not marry or have children with this guy.

 

You can have both - I have both. And no, you are not too old to start over and look for it. Just don't waste too much more time with this guy...

[kassy]

Well that was depressing to read.

 

Violence makes this not really a decision. Get out.

 

You should anyway as it sounds miserable, but violence makes it a different ball game.

 

You are missing out on more than you could even imagine. Go have some fun and joy with someone who loves you and cares.

[lovevspracticality]

This has been helpful and I appreciate the perspective.

 

About the violence, he lost his temper once and went a little too far, but other than that the only major incident has been punching a hole in the wall. Both were years ago and we've had insane fights since, with no sign of violence or aggression.

 

Frankly, I pushed the man until he cracked and it simply wasn't appropriate of either of us. He does seem to have turned a leaf there and is managing his own actions better in high emotion, but I know what you mean. Both of us are dirty fighters and neither have been able to break that cycle yet.

 

I get the impression if anything, I feel indebted to him for all he's provided me.

[lana-banana]

I was composing this whole long, thoughtful reply and then I got to the violence part. Nope. You are 25, not 95. You have plenty of time to find someone who will be a healthy partner and provide for you. Violence isn't static. It escalates metastasizes, and ultimately destroys. To stay in this will ruin you both.

[BluEyeL]

It is better you break up. You can find a well off guy and one whom you love and who loves you back.

[healing light]

He cheats on you. He beat you once. You fight like cats and dogs so there's no guarantee that it won't happen again. You've also stepped out on your relationship. He takes no joy in what brings you joy. You don't laugh together. You aren't even compatible sexually.

 

 

Is that really worth a garden, horses, and a large house for the rest of your life? (And, dare I say, however long that is if you live with him full-time when you're barely tolerating each other now and the violence potentially escalates?)

 

 

Don't bring children into this misery. The more you travel and have an opportunity to experience life, the more you will grow and the less you'll be able to tolerate this. I can guarantee that even if you never make any more income than your own right now, you'll be 500x happier with a love that is emotionally supportive.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Most important marry for love, but consider practical considerations to help them make decisions that lead to marriage. YOU are not in a loving marriage. Marriage w/o love is simply existing, not living. Find someone who will make you happy, not just financially secure.

[healing light]

This is also another form of prostitution, btw. You are prostituting your happiness and your soul in exchange for the security of possessions and a nice house.

[snowboy91]

To be frank, this guy sounds like a d**k, and that's coming from a guy who isn't quick to sell another guy down the river. Physical abuse is an absolute no-no. If he'll hit you, he may kill you one day.

 

Materialism is no reason to hang onto this sorry relationship, much less consider kids. This is a no-brainer, get out while you're young, unless a $33 tub of vegan ice cream to soothe your black eyes and crushed psyche is your idea of happiness.

 

Completely agree with this. You shouldn't be with someone just for the big house and the fancy stuff (even if it does fit with your ideals) if there is no love. I understand you aspire to be the stay-at-home mum type figure, but you can do that with a partner who loves and respects you.

 

25 isn't exactly old either. You have plenty of time to start over. The big nice house can happen at any age. I know people who didn't find their dream house until their 50s. The more important thing is to share all that with someone you truly love.

[Lamartine]

If you feel like you are compromising and/or settling, then don't do it. I am 36, ad many of my friends who married around your age because they felt it was time and were in stable relationships are now going through bitter divorces. Many of them are ending up single moms. One in particular has an MBA and corporate experience, but her years out of the work force while raising her children are making it very difficult for her to find a job now that she is divorced.

 

I want to address one point here: you ARE NOT getting to an age where you cannot be picky. You are so young, although, like myself, you probably won't realize that for another decade or so. You have plenty of time to meet the right person with whom to establish a good home. I met my late husband when I was 30, and we married when I was 32. Now, at 36, many of my friends who, like you, are educated professionals (mostly lawyers and corporate folks), are marrying for the first time and planning families. Not one of them has had trouble getting pregnant because of age. One of my co-workers had her first (healthy, naturally conceived) child at 42.

 

Please don't sell yourself short. It is so much worse to be in a failing marriage than it is to be single: I know this firsthand.

 

I spent my twenties going to law school, traveling, going back to school for a culinary degree, and cultivating my friendships. Had I met the right person during that time, I happily would have settled down. In retrospect, though, I am so glad that I had those experiences.

 

Please don't sell yourself short. Give yourself the best shot at being happy that you can, and, honestly, this doesn't sound like that shot to me.

 

As an aside, I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me when I was about your age ad found myself in a similar dilemma. I loved him, and he might have been Mr. Good Enough, but it wasn't quite right. Had I married him, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have been divorced before I turned 30.

 

Your life is waiting for you! Don't let it pass you by.

[lovevspracticality]

If you feel like you are compromising and/or settling, then don't do it. I am 36, ad many of my friends who married around your age because they felt it was time and were in stable relationships are now going through bitter divorces. Many of them are ending up single moms. One in particular has an MBA and corporate experience, but her years out of the work force while raising her children are making it very difficult for her to find a job now that she is divorced.

 

I want to address one point here: you ARE NOT getting to an age where you cannot be picky. You are so young, although, like myself, you probably won't realize that for another decade or so. You have plenty of time to meet the right person with whom to establish a good home. I met my late husband when I was 30, and we married when I was 32. Now, at 36, many of my friends who, like you, are educated professionals (mostly lawyers and corporate folks), are marrying for the first time and planning families. Not one of them has had trouble getting pregnant because of age. One of my co-workers had her first (healthy, naturally conceived) child at 42.

 

Please don't sell yourself short. It is so much worse to be in a failing marriage than it is to be single: I know this firsthand.

 

I spent my twenties going to law school, traveling, going back to school for a culinary degree, and cultivating my friendships. Had I met the right person during that time, I happily would have settled down. In retrospect, though, I am so glad that I had those experiences.

 

Please don't sell yourself short. Give yourself the best shot at being happy that you can, and, honestly, this doesn't sound like that shot to me.

 

As an aside, I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me when I was about your age ad found myself in a similar dilemma. I loved him, and he might have been Mr. Good Enough, but it wasn't quite right. Had I married him, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have been divorced before I turned 30.

 

Your life is waiting for you! Don't let it pass you by.

 

Thankyou so much. This was incredibly helpful and something I needed to hear. I was spilling this out to a friend a few days ago and we talked it out, realising if I stick around, I'll be divorced and far worse off by 35. What's atrocious is there's no voice screaming at me to leave, just a tiny little whisper that says "go." Things are... okay. Pleasant? No. He can feel me drifting, he tries harder. Tries general conversation, and I feel awful that I can't return it anymore. I'm so far gone, and yet I'm not ready to leave this life. Its so sticky and completely of my own making.

[No_Go]

I’d guess >95% of people marry out of practicality of some kind (peer pressure, religious motives, reproductive urge, financial strain, fear of loneliness etc). 5% if that will admit so everything looks rosy and ‘lovey’.

 

But in your case: you barely tolerate each other, it is not a comfortable but just passionless situation. In that sense the costs just outweighs the benefits way too much. Violence is scary because it usually just gets worse.

 

You’d experience a drastic lifestyle change if you break the relationship, if he even lets you do that without complications. Therefore of i were you I’d strategize very carefully how to break it, make a timeline, plan for source of income, place to stay etc way in advance, and then do the talk. Otherwise you’d be so shell shocked when you move out - you’d be back with him and it will get ugly.

[Lamartine]

You will leave when you are ready, but, honestly, the more time you spend with him, the less time you get to spend enjoying your life and potentially meeting the right person.

 

Please take my word for it as someone who has all kinds of dating experiences and a marriage under my belt: I KNOW how you feel. When I was your age, I also felt like I was getting older and that my options were diminishing. As a result, I rushed into relationships with men who were not right right for me. I overlooked faults in the men and in the relationships. As a result, none of them worked out. I wasted time, emotional energy, etc. If I had just enjoyed my life and been open to possibilities as they emerged organically (instead of forcing square pegs into round holes), I'd probably be much happier now.

 

Your older self will be happy with you when you are able to leave this guy: she'll have a much more certain future with the possibility of love, compatibility, and marriage. Don't invest your precious time in a dead end relationship. I know that it is so very hard to leave. The fact is, though, you are going to be ready to leave this guy sooner or later. The sooner the better for you: then you can go out into the world and find true happiness.

[Lamartine]

Also, I agree with No Go: if you feel that he will not handle a break up well, then please go to a counselor to discuss how best to approach the situation. Your safety is paramount.

[mortensorchid]

Love or security? The age old question ...

 

I have had at this point 4 serious relationships in my life. 3 were for love, 1 was more security. The one who I thought would be the security turned out to be the most abusive emotionally, verbally and (I'm sorry to say) physically. Others? Emotionally in their own ways. But ... If there was an answer that was all purpose, I would tell you what the answer is. But I don't have it. You can only hope that someday it will happen for you.

[todreaminblue]

This has been helpful and I appreciate the perspective.

 

About the violence, he lost his temper once and went a little too far, but other than that the only major incident has been punching a hole in the wall. Both were years ago and we've had insane fights since, with no sign of violence or aggression.

 

Frankly, I pushed the man until he cracked and it simply wasn't appropriate of either of us. He does seem to have turned a leaf there and is managing his own actions better in high emotion, but I know what you mean. Both of us are dirty fighters and neither have been able to break that cycle yet.

 

I get the impression if anything, I feel indebted to him for all he's provided me.

 

 

you're not indebted if you walk away with what you have yourself bought .....for me personally (IMO) this post of yours seems like a nightmare kind of life vegan ice cream at 33 bucks a tub and all....... not a dream life its all about money and little else he sounds actually quite sad to be working in hellish conditions just to bring home more bacon.....i believe that you can love someone and drive them a little crazy with differences between you... but that doesnt cross over into insane fights...

 

its well adn good to have a solid financial foundation ...the thing is a relationship built on finances ......is only as strong as paper is......people who make money can lose it just as easily.......if your relationship could not handle financial difficulties like having to sell the house the horses and eat no ice cream not even no frills ice cream......and then maybe handle a move to a caravan park....money wont give you any happiness when its gone....but love would.....relationships need to be built on more than finances....i would say almost ...in spite of finances....its good to be self sufficient and practical ...thrifty and money conscious....but hearts cannot be bought with the bucks.....sex can though.....deb

[BaileyB]

About the violence, he lost his temper once and went a little too far, but other than that the only major incident has been punching a hole in the wall. Both were years ago and we've had insane fights since, with no sign of violence or aggression.

 

Frankly, I pushed the man until he cracked and it simply wasn't appropriate of either of us. Both of us are dirty fighters and neither have been able to break that cycle yet.

 

Healthy relationships don't have insane fights, punching a hole in the wall, or violence. This is not acceptable - for either of you.

 

One of the other posters was right, you really have no idea what you are missing.

[TheFinalWord]

tl;dr: got exactly what I asked for when I was younger. A steady, financially solid relationship and a Barbie-dream house - kicker is there's no love. Just practicality. Our compatibilities end at creating wealth.

 

Hello,

 

I don't see your situation as "either/or". Having a bit of capital is not that hard to replicate, plus you're only 25. Too young to settle and not enough material wealth (IMHO) to second guess over. Mainly, you don't have any kids together. That could make things 1000x more complicated. The rest is easily replaceable.

 

You highlight that this is a good man (times like this is when I wish we could see both sides of the story), but a good man does not ignore you, show no interest in your life, let alone building one together, and seems to mainly have you around so he does not have to waste time seeking out consistent sex when he could otherwise spend that time making money. Oh, and don't get me started on the violence...

Edited November 24, 2017 by TheFinalWord

[lana-banana]

You have an abusive, cheating husband you rarely see and a home you're left to manage on your own? Congratulations, you have the 1950s housewife life you aspired to! All you're missing is a stimulant addiction.*

 

In purely practical terms, you are the one with everything to lose here. How many of the assets and property are actually in your name? This doesn't even matter that much because he can afford a good lawyer to go after you if he wants sole ownership of anything. And So what if you're great at making money together? He can easily find someone who contributes a lot more than you do and build far more wealth even more quickly. It sounds like this relationship is already hanging by a thread---you are only in this because it's convenient for you---but as soon as he meets someone else or a mistress demands more from him, you're gone.

 

I'm not going to judge you or your priorities. You need to look after your health and safety and get the hell out. The world is full of men who can provide for you and will actually love and respect you. But staying in this situation, as an unmarried woman with very limited financial means and little to no legal protections, is dangerous.

 

Oh, and please ignore the hogwash about "95 percent of people marry for practical reasons". It's not even remotely true. Almost 90% of Americans list love as the most important reason they marry (and the runner-up is lifelong commitment). You don't have to compromise on finding love and shared values.

 

* = This is not really a joke. Even happy suburban women survived with "pep pills", basically low doses of speed.

[No_Go]

Oh, and please ignore the hogwash about "95 percent of people marry for practical reasons". It's not even remotely true. Almost 90% of Americans list love as the most important reason they marry (and the runner-up is lifelong commitment).

 

Oh please - otherwise it was a good post but then I saw you countering me with the above statement. I didn't refer what Americans (or any other people) *state* the most important reason to marry is (if that's even true - what is the source?). Lifelong commitment is as practical as it goes, it is basically 'claiming' a person as any other property in your life and it has nothing to do with love - love is NOT conditional. Otherwise I know out of fear and shame only few will admit what urge them to marry - it takes balls to say something like this out loud...

 

In OP's case: this guy needs her as much as she needs him and that's the scary part - he'd most likely not give up his worry-free home life and he'll try to pressure her staying with him which may turn extremely ugly. I've seen that in different configurations She needs a plan to get free....

 

You have an abusive, cheating husband you rarely see and a home you're left to manage on your own? Congratulations, you have the 1950s housewife life you aspired to! All you're missing is a stimulant addiction.*

 

In purely practical terms, you are the one with everything to lose here. How many of the assets and property are actually in your name? This doesn't even matter that much because he can afford a good lawyer to go after you if he wants sole ownership of anything. And So what if you're great at making money together? He can easily find someone who contributes a lot more than you do and build far more wealth even more quickly. It sounds like this relationship is already hanging by a thread---you are only in this because it's convenient for you---but as soon as he meets someone else or a mistress demands more from him, you're gone.

 

I'm not going to judge you or your priorities. You need to look after your health and safety and get the hell out. The world is full of men who can provide for you and will actually love and respect you. But staying in this situation, as an unmarried woman with very limited financial means and little to no legal protections, is dangerous.

 

Oh, and please ignore the hogwash about "95 percent of people marry for practical reasons". It's not even remotely true. Almost 90% of Americans list love as the most important reason they marry (and the runner-up is lifelong commitment). You don't have to compromise on finding love and shared values.

 

* = This is not really a joke. Even happy suburban women survived with "pep pills", basically low doses of speed.

[lana-banana]

Oh, and please ignore the hogwash about "95 percent of people marry for practical reasons". It's not even remotely true. Almost 90% of Americans list love as the most important reason they marry (and the runner-up is lifelong commitment).

 

Oh please - otherwise it was a good post but then I saw you countering me with the above statement. I didn't refer what Americans (or any other people) *state* the most important reason to marry is (if that's even true - what is the source?). Lifelong commitment is as practical as it goes, it is basically 'claiming' a person as any other property in your life and it has nothing to do with love - love is NOT conditional. Otherwise I know out of fear and shame only few will admit what urge them to marry - it takes balls to say something like this out loud...

 

In OP's case: this guy needs her as much as she needs him and that's the scary part - he'd most likely not give up his worry-free home life and he'll try to pressure her staying with him which may turn extremely ugly. I've seen that in different configurations She needs a plan to get free....

 

He doesn't need her at all. He sees her for three months out of the entire year and handles all the bills himself. Either one of them can end the relationship at any time with minimal repercussions, but if she leaves, she needs to be someplace where she's guaranteed to be safe.

 

The source for my statement is the February 2017 Pew Research study here. I will not engage in yet another threadjacking about how everyone who is married isn't in love. It doesn't help to tell people in genuine danger that nobody actually marries for love anyway.

Edited November 24, 2017 by lana-banana