I always date insecure men....?

[Cori]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice on why I constantly find myself in unhealthy relationships. I plan on seeking professional help with it after the holidays but thought I'd start here in the mean time.

 

Let me start first by saying that I know it's not only a problem with the men but very much a problem with me.

I don't think I am horribly insecure although the more I date these bad guys the harder it is to build up my self worth for the following months. I know I am fun, so compassionate, nice and loyal. I have been told I have codependency issues; however since becoming aware of these issues, I entered therapy (going twice a week for almost a year), I really worked on creating healthy boundaries and really have progressed into what I thought was a healthier individual.

 

My last relationship (during and after this therapy) I entered with caution.

I took my time and explained how important communication was for me. We were long distance for a long time and I really thought I had done well taking the time to know him.

 

I realized after the relationship ended that I ignored a few red flags, although minor at the time.

He was independent and gave me space but looking back he was incredibly insecure and controlling at the same time.

He finally moved near me this march and thats when the red flags were waving right in my face . I, for some reason, decided it was because he was stressed and stuck it out. I still tried to make him understand that his behavior was not acceptable to me and I didn't appreciate it, looking back I wish I had stuck up for myself even more but was worried it would overwhelm him (he was incredibly stressed and for good reason).

He ended up becoming extremely emotionally and verbally abusive as the months went on. He dumped me in May but continued his emotional and abusive behavior when I tried to create boundaires, eventually leading me to have to cut him completely from my life.

 

I realize I obviously didn't know him very well and that the good thing about my progress in codependency is that the abusive relationship didnt get dragged out for years and instead only lasted a few short months because I was able to cut off his manipulative behavior. I ended up with a man who was exactly like my last two boyfriends which worried me but I felt empowered and made steps in my singledom to heal and learn from my mistake.

 

Two months later I decided to go on a few dates. I was even extra cautious for even the slightest red flags.

 

In comes guy I end up dating for about three months, call him Tim.

 

Tim is very sweet and quiet. He's older than me by a couple years and has a good job. I'm excited because he seems really nice.

As things have progressed I have realized Tim is worse than previous boyfriend. Tim was nice only at first:(

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

How am I attracting these men! How do I get it to stop.

I am working really hard on myself and I just want to no longer be attracted to men like this. Below is some examples of the behaviors I was explaining about (lets call the first guy Bryan) and then Tim.

 

Bryan:

Asking me if the sex was good enough for me (Confused, thought our sex life was amazing) that it was incredible and there is no need to worry, said if there was any concerns on his part to let me know (first minor red flag)

Got mad that a friend at work hugged me (extremely angry)

Always needed to know where I was and who I was with

Asked me if any guys touched me or talked to me

Made up stories of how I told him how other guys were better in bed than him (never happened)

Lied to me about doing cocaine at a party

Would go into rages over the most insane things (open container if alcohol in my car, asked him to please dump it out before I drove) screaming rages where he'd cuss me out and threaten to leave me.

A friend of his that I had joked I was jealous of, her name was kate, he used it against me by saying he kissed here once and "how does it make me feel"

Said horrible things to me in anger and stress (unprovoked mostly)

Sex obsessed.

 

And much more.

After breakup it was texts like " You were in love with the idea of love."

"I cant believe you slept with someone else" (I hadn't)

 

Tim

Showing up to a place he knew I was with another girl and kissing her in front of me

Telling me I was drunk and it didnt happen

Showing my friend a dating profile he made for himself and lying about it

Childish tantrums telling me I am nothing to him when hes mad then making it seem like it wasnt a big deal the next day, no apology.

And unfortunately much more with him too.....

 

So sorry for the long question. I just am trying to stay out of dating for now but would really like some advice to work on myself.

Thank you

 

Btw I am 22yrs old if this helps.

Bryan 23 and Tim 27

[kassy]

Well done on trying to change this very destructive pattern. That attitude will serve you well.

 

So Tim, why is there a long list? Any one of those things is enough for a. Break up, so why did the rest happen?

 

If you picture your perfect man Nd perfect relationship what does that look like? What are your deal breakers? I think you need to be clearer on these things if you are going to change who you date.

[Cori]

Well done on trying to change this very destructive pattern. That attitude will serve you well.

 

So Tim, why is there a long list? Any one of those things is enough for a. Break up, so why did the rest happen?

 

If you picture your perfect man Nd perfect relationship what does that look like? What are your deal breakers? I think you need to be clearer on these things if you are going to change who you date.

 

Regretfully I stayed so long with Tim because I was still hurting over my ex. Very silly. I cut him off multiple times but we have mutual friends. There were a lot of lies and excuses that I accepted. He has a very bad childhood and I felt sorry for him, like I shouldn't be too hard on him he doesn't know better. So silly, I know.

 

The biggest thing is commitment. The three long term relationships I have been in they always were quick to run and then come back and run and come back. And cheating from two of the relationships.

I want someone who can communicate what they want from me so I don't have to guess. Who creates boundaries with me and respects mine

I want respect

I want compassion and someone who is genuinely a good person.

I don't think I have ever had a healthy relationship.

 

Thank you so much for your reply btw it means a lot, I know it was a lot to read.

 

I am hoping a lot of this just has to do with my age and age range also. Bryan and Tim are both incredibly immature. I am sure I have plenty of room to grow myself.

[basil67]

Compassion and loyalty should be earned. It's not something you give a new partner without question.

 

When you're in the early stages with a guy (early being less than a year) consider them to be on probation. Sure, a probationer may make a few mistakes, but learn from it and not repeat them. But if they keep messing up or send up major red flags, you sack them. Or dump them as the case may be.

[Cori]

Compassion and loyalty should be earned. It's not something you give a new partner without question.

 

When you're in the early stages with a guy (early being less than a year) consider them to be on probation. Sure, a probationer may make a few mistakes, but learn from it and not repeat them. But if they keep messing up or send up major red flags, you sack them. Or dump them as the case may be.

 

I never thought of it that way. I will definately try to keep my heart closer till things look more serious or are moving forward.

Thank you

[d0nnivain]

You don't get out early enough. When you see the 1st bad behaviors you forgive these guys. Stop doing that. When you draw clear boundaries for yourself, others will respect them.

 

In my 20s I started dating this guy who was always late. That was bad enough, then he started with cancelling last minute. The 2nd time he cancelled last minute I said I'm not doing this. A few days later we were to have a date. He was late again. My housemates were going out & I didn't want to be stuck home alone. I waited until 1/2 hour past our appointed date time (this was before cell phones), left a note taped to my front door & went out with my friends. Two hours later showed up at the bar where we were but I told him our date had been cancelled by him & I was now out with my friends to please leave. He did. He was never late for a date after that

[Sara1989]

Agree with D0nnivain that you need get out early when you see the warning signs.

 

I have refused to see men again due to insecurity and many other reasons, the red flags are there but its your choice if you want see them or not.

[kassy]

Regretfully I stayed so long with Tim because I was still hurting over my ex. Very silly. I cut him off multiple times but we have mutual friends. There were a lot of lies and excuses that I accepted. He has a very bad childhood and I felt sorry for him, like I shouldn't be too hard on him he doesn't know better. So silly, I know.

 

The biggest thing is commitment. The three long term relationships I have been in they always were quick to run and then come back and run and come back. And cheating from two of the relationships.

I want someone who can communicate what they want from me so I don't have to guess. Who creates boundaries with me and respects mine

I want respect

I want compassion and someone who is genuinely a good person.

I don't think I have ever had a healthy relationship.

 

Thank you so much for your reply btw it means a lot, I know it was a lot to read.

 

I am hoping a lot of this just has to do with my age and age range also. Bryan and Tim are both incredibly immature. I am sure I have plenty of room to grow myself.

 

Well that's a good start but I think you've not been nearly as descriptive as you need to be. While I'm not one for unrealistic lost like must make X amount of money or have blond hair and blue eyes. I do think in order to have a healthy relationship you need more of an idea of what that looks like to you. Once you have an idea of your priorities and needs then you can more easily see when they are broken and get out and move on before all the drama crap happens.

 

Ok so for example here are a few (not all) of my deal breakers:

-trust (if I don't trust them completely then whenever I begin not to trust them the relationship is over)

-being on time (for me this is about respect, if someone is regularly late they don't respect my time as much as their own)

-do I have fun with them / do they add value to my life (if they just add stress and anxiety they can go)

- do I respect them

- do they do sport (sport is important to me and I have found dating someone with no interest in sport doesn't work for me)

- do they like adventure travel (I do, I need a partner who also does)

- are we attracted to each other

-does he fight fair

- we must be able to have honest communication

-is good with money or happy to let me help create better money management systems for them (I don't care what they earn more how they manage it)

- don't drink/party a lot (I'm past that phase in my life)

 

See this list is about ME and my needs. I need someone who will come do "stuff no one ever wanted to do, in places no one ever wanted to go" as one ex described my idea of the dream holidays. Clearly we were incompatible. Doesn't make either of us right, just not right for each other.

 

You're young, your list of your needs will evolve over time and the list will change as you realise some things aren't as important as you once thought or new things you discovered are.

 

Being kind and committed are good desires in a partner, but how does that manifest itself to you. The problem with such broad brushed desires is that it's hard to see when or whether they are broken. I'm not saying make a massive list and be insanely rigid about it but say for example if someone doesn't add to my life but drains me then that is easy to say ok this person has to go. Especially at early stages of dating.

 

Don't know if that helps, but I feel you need a better idea of what you want and don't want so you can better identify when someone is giving you red flags that relate to you specifically.

 

We all make mistakes, your main thing needs to be to get out sooner when big red flags appear. But also at the same time don't build huge walls. Trust people until you have a reason not to. Understand whatever you do your heart will get broken probably multiple times, but learn from them and also make sure the relationship added enough value and joy to your life that it was worth getting your heart broken over.

 

It's great you are seeing a therapist over this as knowing how to have healthy relationships is key to a good life. And also taking responsibility and improving on your own bad relationship habits will go a long way as well.

 

My biggest advice is, when you fight (and you will) keep the fight on the topic of the fight. Don't drag in other past crap. Also resolve the fight. I often need to go for a bike ride or something to calm down and get perspective, then we come back and discuss the issue and put it to bed. Sometimes we need another discussion a few days later. But then we move on. Don't have the samefight over and over and work out what is worth fighting over. Most things should be a discussion, very few should escalate to an actual fight.

 

It's taken a long time to learn that about fighting and a longer time to actually do it, but it sure makes a relationship healthier and happier.

[Cori]

Well that's a good start but I think you've not been nearly as descriptive as you need to be. While I'm not one for unrealistic lost like must make X amount of money or have blond hair and blue eyes. I do think in order to have a healthy relationship you need more of an idea of what that looks like to you. Once you have an idea of your priorities and needs then you can more easily see when they are broken and get out and move on before all the drama crap happens.

 

Ok so for example here are a few (not all) of my deal breakers:

-trust (if I don't trust them completely then whenever I begin not to trust them the relationship is over)

-being on time (for me this is about respect, if someone is regularly late they don't respect my time as much as their own)

-do I have fun with them / do they add value to my life (if they just add stress and anxiety they can go)

- do I respect them

- do they do sport (sport is important to me and I have found dating someone with no interest in sport doesn't work for me)

- do they like adventure travel (I do, I need a partner who also does)

- are we attracted to each other

-does he fight fair

- we must be able to have honest communication

-is good with money or happy to let me help create better money management systems for them (I don't care what they earn more how they manage it)

- don't drink/party a lot (I'm past that phase in my life)

 

See this list is about ME and my needs. I need someone who will come do "stuff no one ever wanted to do, in places no one ever wanted to go" as one ex described my idea of the dream holidays. Clearly we were incompatible. Doesn't make either of us right, just not right for each other.

 

You're young, your list of your needs will evolve over time and the list will change as you realise some things aren't as important as you once thought or new things you discovered are.

 

Being kind and committed are good desires in a partner, but how does that manifest itself to you. The problem with such broad brushed desires is that it's hard to see when or whether they are broken. I'm not saying make a massive list and be insanely rigid about it but say for example if someone doesn't add to my life but drains me then that is easy to say ok this person has to go. Especially at early stages of dating.

 

Don't know if that helps, but I feel you need a better idea of what you want and don't want so you can better identify when someone is giving you red flags that relate to you specifically.

 

We all make mistakes, your main thing needs to be to get out sooner when big red flags appear. But also at the same time don't build huge walls. Trust people until you have a reason not to. Understand whatever you do your heart will get broken probably multiple times, but learn from them and also make sure the relationship added enough value and joy to your life that it was worth getting your heart broken over.

 

It's great you are seeing a therapist over this as knowing how to have healthy relationships is key to a good life. And also taking responsibility and improving on your own bad relationship habits will go a long way as well.

 

My biggest advice is, when you fight (and you will) keep the fight on the topic of the fight. Don't drag in other past crap. Also resolve the fight. I often need to go for a bike ride or something to calm down and get perspective, then we come back and discuss the issue and put it to bed. Sometimes we need another discussion a few days later. But then we move on. Don't have the samefight over and over and work out what is worth fighting over. Most things should be a discussion, very few should escalate to an actual fight.

 

It's taken a long time to learn that about fighting and a longer time to actually do it, but it sure makes a relationship healthier and happier.

 

 

I do have a lot more specific qualities that go into what I want. My problem is that I find it so hard to find a man I click with and am genuinely attracted to that sometimes I am very slack on them I really need to work on it. I also am a pushover when it comes to men fully respecting me, I tend to laugh it off or calmly try to tell them later why it hurt my feelings (usually doesn’t get resolved and I get shushed up).

 

I am just so tired of the continuous cycle I am in with men that I find attractive . They always have such similar qualities and I turn into a submissive person. I am not like this with friendships or any other relationships. I am actually really good at having my friends backs and sticking up for them.

 

Bottom line I really need to get more professional help because I think this last relationship really weakened my boundaries again and I am susceptible to low quality men. Lol.

[kassy]

Recognising your faults is a very big step to overcoming them. Good you are getting help with this.

 

When you next have a relationship, it may be good to post on here about things to see if others think the situation and your responses are appropriate.

 

Anyway best of luck, am sure you'll work it out

[GemmaUK]

Are you a reader?

 

I could recommend a couple of very good books that I think may help you alongside therapy which it sounds like you need to improve your own self esteem.

You're young and have every opportunity to turn this around quickly for yourself.

One stand alone behaviour doesn't make an abusive type but several do (one of the books I am thinking of has checklists of traits to look for - right there in black and white, written by a specialist in the field of abuse and anytime you need you can dip into the book to take a look) you seem to be 'aware' of these traits but you're making excuses and not acting upon them.

I've done it myself, I thought the guy was joking as he couldn't possibly be so bizarre - he wasn't joking and was deadly serious.

I attempted to break away from him at around the 2 month mark and he talked me around - this happened another 3 or 4 times over 7 months.

Had I known than what I do now I would have started off with a different way of dumping the guy.

Once I got out of that relationship I did my research, I knew I needed to so not to fall into anything like it again.

 

It's far better to be in no relationship than in one that makes you miserable.

 

Let me know if you want some links to just a couple of very good books.

[Cori]

Are you a reader?

 

I could recommend a couple of very good books that I think may help you alongside therapy which it sounds like you need to improve your own self esteem.

You're young and have every opportunity to turn this around quickly for yourself.

One stand alone behaviour doesn't make an abusive type but several do (one of the books I am thinking of has checklists of traits to look for - right there in black and white, written by a specialist in the field of abuse and anytime you need you can dip into the book to take a look) you seem to be 'aware' of these traits but you're making excuses and not acting upon them.

I've done it myself, I thought the guy was joking as he couldn't possibly be so bizarre - he wasn't joking and was deadly serious.

I attempted to break away from him at around the 2 month mark and he talked me around - this happened another 3 or 4 times over 7 months.

Had I known than what I do now I would have started off with a different way of dumping the guy.

Once I got out of that relationship I did my research, I knew I needed to so not to fall into anything like it again.

 

It's far better to be in no relationship than in one that makes you miserable.

 

Let me know if you want some links to just a couple of very good books.

 

 

I read a lot. I would love some recommendations.

Thank you to everyone who responded. It was all amazing advice

[GemmaUK]

I don't know if you are in the US but I have posted US links here:

 

This one will help you make real and get over what has happened:

Ignore the narcissist word in the title - personally I hate to self diagnose as I don't think it's wise but this is a great lighthearted read but also plain speaking and informative.

https://www.amazon.com/Toads-Women-Them-Alexs-Manual/dp/1475236972/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511423270&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=aunty+alex%27s+army+manual

 

and this one:

This has the checklists behind each chapter and at the start of each chapter more in depth descriptions:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511423501&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=how+to+spot+a+danegrour+man

 

I would suggest both and read the first top one first.

[Cori]

I don't know if you are in the US but I have posted US links here:

 

This one will help you make real and get over what has happened:

Ignore the narcissist word in the title - personally I hate to self diagnose as I don't think it's wise but this is a great lighthearted read but also plain speaking and informative.

https://www.amazon.com/Toads-Women-Them-Alexs-Manual/dp/1475236972/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511423270&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=aunty+alex%27s+army+manual

 

and this one:

This has the checklists behind each chapter and at the start of each chapter more in depth descriptions:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511423501&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=how+to+spot+a+danegrour+man

 

I would suggest both and read the first top one first.

 

Thanks so much! I will def check them out

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't know if I believe that people 'attract' certain types of people, but they certainly invite certain behaviors and/or tolerate them.

 

I suspect that your low self-esteem emboldens men to take advantage of you. You are getting great advice here, so being more self-confident, self-advocating will go a long way to discouraging men you seek from taking more than they deserve.

 

Also, I could be wrong, but you seem to rely on 'attractiveness' as a very important criterion for dating. It almost sounds to me that you do not spend enough time getting to know them on a personal level and that looks plays a part that is too dominant. I could be wrong. Attractive people, men, especially, tend to use their looks as a means to entrap women with low esteem. Women tend to hold on much longer than they ought to. Perhaps one of the things you should do is seek out guys with more substance and less eye-candy?

 

You MAY be dating insecure men, but as you well know, you are very insecure yourself when it comes to relationships for yourself and your self worth. This view of yourself is the FIRST thing that needs to change.

Edited November 23, 2017 by simpleNfit

[GemmaUK]

Good luck with the reading!

 

Don't forget though that you need to put some work in, thinking quicker, acting quicker in future dating scenarios.

Right now though I think it's a good time to take a total break, learn to love yourself first, learn what your boundaries are and make a choice not to let someone walk all over them with no consequences.

Realise being single just isn't by any means the worst thing - it really isn't!