Sex before Exclusivity...Emotional Fallout

[Lamartine]

In the last year, I have had a very rough time for various reasons, particularly because of a death of someone close to me.

 

Recently, I meta man in a similar situation, and we hit it off. I enjoyed his company, could talk openly with him about the hurt I experienced this year, and was very attracted to him.

 

Admittedly, we had sex too fast (on the second date). After weeks of talking, five dates, lots of emotional vulnerability, and plenty of sex, he told me last night that his ex (who is bipolar and has a criminal record) came to his house a night or two after we last slept together, et herself in, and got into bed with him. He had sex with her (he had previously told me she was just a friend).

 

I understand that we were not yet exclusive and that he was within his rights to see other people. I don't really want to debate was "exclusivity" means.

 

Despite understanding this, I am horribly hurt. I opened up to him about some deeply personal things. He knew I am in a vulnerable place. I can't help but feel, especially because we had become a source of emotional support for each other, that he disrespected me, disregarded my feelings, and put my health at risk. I'm not angry or villainizing hime: I just can't help but feel very hurt.

 

Why would he become so emotional connected with me (he says he felt it too), and then let his ex crawl into bed with him. The question for me is not whether he had the right to do this in a non-exclusive relationship. The question is whether it was morally correct under the circumstances.

 

My question is: am I irrational in feeling so hurt by this, and wouldn't man who is genuinely interested in a new woman not want to jeopardize a blossoming relationship for some ex sex?

 

He says he "believes" that he will not have any more interactions with this woman but won't completely commit to cutting her off. I am leaning towards breaking it off because I feel he was reckless with my heart and health.

 

Thank you so much for reading and responding. I'm in a lot of pain, and I would appreciate any help or advice.

 

Blessings to all of you as we head into the holidays!

 

Lamartine

[Lamartine]

Just a little more information about us:

 

Me: 36, divorced with no kids, attorney and graduate student;

 

Him: 50, divorced with a son, energy commodity trader;

 

His Ex: 43, divorced with three kids, unemployed lifeguard.

[Zahara]

He says he "believes" that he will not have any more interactions with this woman but won't completely commit to cutting her off. I am leaning towards breaking it off because I feel he was reckless with my heart and health.

 

If anything, I would break it off because I would not want to emotionally invest in anyone that still wants to be in the company of his ex. Your reasons are your reasons -- right or wrong, but at the end of the day, this seems like a dead end.

[Highndry]

I will never again in my life date somebody who has any ties to their ex. If a woman did to me what he just did to you, I'd be completely done, forever. Shallow people with poor boundaries never change.

[LadybugLucy]

How did she let herself in, and why does she still have access to his house to be able to let herself in? If she is bipolar and has a criminal record, he should have changed locks and codes after they broke up. If he isn’t willing to take measures to prevent her from letting herself in, then he is wanting her to come around. It sounds like he was feeling guilty and wanted to tell you but didn’t want to be 100% truthful.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you've had a rough go recently, OP.

 

I can understand why you're disappointed to hear he's slept with his ex. You are correct that you two weren't exclusive, so he is a free agent. However, I also agree that if he were really interested in building something with you, he would have told her to take a hike the moment he realized she was in his house. His choice to do quite the opposite is very telling.

 

Also very revealing is that it doesn't sound like he has any intention of cutting her off. I don't know their history, but it appears he is not over her.

 

So to answer your question, no, I don't think you're totally off-base in feeling upset. You're human, and it's not fun to hear that your romantic interest is having sex with an ex. But you have also learned something important, which is that opening up emotionally doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to you. I don't doubt he was a willing listener, but you can see now he doesn't associate the same type of emotional intimacy with your revelations as you do. That doesn't really mean either of you is right or wrong, but you're most definitely not on the same page.

 

I think you would be best to end this, primarily because it's clear he is not done with his ex.

[Lamartine]

Thank you so much for your replies! He claimed earlier today that he wants a relationship with me, making the situation more confusing.

 

I asked how she got into the house. He said that she knows where he hides the key.

[Lamartine]

ExPat:

 

He claims to be done with her, but I just don't find his language convincing enough. Maybe he's trying to keep us both around? Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit? I don't know. I'm just hurt and confused.

[Zahara]

Thank you so much for your replies! He claimed earlier today that he wants a relationship with me, making the situation more confusing.

 

I asked how she got into the house. He said that she knows where he hides the key.

 

You can't have a relationship with someone when you still have unresolved ties with an ex and it seems that he is open to her advances and contact. There's nothing confusing about this -- people can tell you what you want to hear but focus on actions.

 

You need to be smart. You've only had 6 dates with him and you're already experiencing negative behaviors.

 

She knows where he hides the key? People still leave keys under mats and flower pots? Don't be gullible. If a man knows he's dealing with a volatile ex, the last thing they do is leave keys accessible to them.

[CloudyHead]

My two cents . . . You might be dealing with a narcissist. Read about "love bombing". I think you should count your blessings and move on, with him being in your rear view mirror.

[ExpatInItaly]

ExPat:

 

He claims to be done with her, but I just don't find his language convincing enough. Maybe he's trying to keep us both around? Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit? I don't know. I'm just hurt and confused.

 

He had sex with her. That is not "done."

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not sure how you don't want to address the exclusivity aspect to this. It's like the pink elephant in the room.

 

Although I'm not condoning his actions, I think it's very presumptuous of you to think that he or any man would remain faithful before having some type of talk regarding commitment or...dare I say...exclusivity.

 

For the record, I think his actions were deplorable no matter how you slice it. His ex just happen to have a key to his place, let herself in, crawled into bed next to him while he was asleep and he some how got it in his head to have sex with her...just cuz she was there?

 

All I see are red flags.

 

Then again, he did tell you about it so he must have felt guilty which means he knows he did something he shouldn't have. Will he do it again? Who the hell knows.

 

The fact that he has no plans to cut her off isn't sitting well with me. And how easily swayed he is that he can just give into her like he did is also not sitting well with me.

 

I fear his ex and his attachment to her will be an ongoing concern that will plague your relationships, whatever kind it may be.

 

If you don't think you can deal with it or her, then maybe it's best to end things with this guy. Otherwise, have the 'talk' and decide what you want, where you're going and decide on the boundaries.

 

Good luck.

[basil67]

It don't like his wording in all of this. I sounds kind of like "my d*ck just accidentally fell into her". How can you trust someone who's so passive about what happens to them?

 

And I agree with the others - he's not done with her yet.

[Lamartine]

The reason I don’t want to debate exclusivity is because I accept that he was free to have sex with others. Just because he can, though, doesn’t mean he should. I guess I just feel that if he cared about me like he said he did, he would have chosen, out of free will and not obligation, not to do something that was sure to hurt me.

[Lamartine]

I think it’s also because of WHOM he decided to sleep with. I was already worried about this girl because persistently pursues him.

[Lamartine]

Thank you all for your responses. This is helping me so much.

 

I decided to break it off. Now I am really doubting my decision.

 

Do y'all think I overreacted?

 

This just hurt so much.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thank you all for your responses. This is helping me so much.

 

I decided to break it off. Now I am really doubting my decision.

 

Do y'all think I overreacted?

 

This just hurt so much.

 

You didn't over-react. You simply are upset with the decision that you were forced to make. You're doubting b/c you are now single....again.

[Noproblem]

Sorry about your loss Op.

 

 

Consider it as a way that you let your sadness and stress go, he connected, you connected, you had your treatment, and he had his treatment.

 

 

and now you both can move on. No need to even be angry about it!

 

Time for you to step out of this relationship.

 

You are a successful young woman and you can get many other people who are not gonna cheat!

 

Yes, it's cheating because you were together and he slept with someone else!

 

I mean, like I said! Consider it a therapy sex!

[Lamartine]

I'm so glad that I found this forum. Y'all are wonderful!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I decided to break it off. Now I am really doubting my decision.

 

Do y'all think I overreacted?

 

This just hurt so much.

 

No, I think you did the right thing.

 

If you had let it go and kept seeing him, it would have set a really bad precedent. Also, I agree with the others that there is unfinished business with his ex.

 

Think about it. Would you feel confident enough to show up at an ex's house in the middle on the night, let yourself, and crawl into bed for sex unless you expected a warm reception?

 

In my opinion it seems unlikely that it went down exactly like that. But even if it did, what does that say about their level of intimacy with each other. It sounds complicated and messy.

 

However, the biggest red flag was

He says he "believes" that he will not have any more interactions with this woman but won't completely commit to cutting her off.

 

There was no coming back from that. He left you no choice but to end it.

 

Hold your head high, you didn't compromise your standards just because you liked the guy. There will be someone better out there for you.

[Versacehottie]

I think there are two issues: how it makes you feel (moral kind of issues about it) and what do you want to do? I wonder if you could solve the issue by deciding what it is that you want from him. Sometimes an "event" forces issues and questions to the surface, such as this happening with him and his ex, puts the issue of exclusivity front and center for you guys. It may have been vague and open before but now maybe it's time to decide. If you want exclusivity, just say that you have thought about the situation and how it made you feel at that you realized you are at a crossroads now where you are uncomfortable if anything like this should happen again with him/either of you. And that the right step for you would be to progress to an exclusive relationship & if he can't give that or doesn't want to then you you will move on because you realize you don't want to invest or risk more.

 

It sounds like you are very rational and fair about how you view the situation. Idk but the way you explained it, I have a weird feeling he told you because he feels close to you and doesn't want to mess up, but i suppose if we had more details about him a lot of things are possible. I think sometimes when a guy is into someone they feel a need to confess--even though it can make things worse or risk his relationship with you. If you can be over it and want something exclusive with him, just ask for it. Now would be the time IMO. If you have doubts about how he fits into your life since he has done this, then pull away until you know what you want to do. I think it's always smart to view situations from your own point of view-like what do you want rather than WHY he did something (i.e. only from his perspective). Figuring out what you want is key.

 

Lastly i would say that it would be nice or easy if things in life were black and white and this would surely make your decisions about this easier. But not everyone processes what their statuses/progress in the same way. You have an opportunity to define yours with him at this point and then it would be a black and white thing. and make sure he gets that key back/locks changed/hiding place moved or better. Goodluck

[Versacehottie]

It don't like his wording in all of this. I sounds kind of like "my d*ck just accidentally fell into her". How can you trust someone who's so passive about what happens to them?

 

And I agree with the others - he's not done with her yet.

 

I do however agree with this. I don't like how he (in the wording) doesn't seem to be taking personal responsibility for this. Like blaming the ex. Takes two for this act as we all know. If he didn't want her there and considering her history, he should have kicked her out or called the police. I think one reason why the story might not sit so well with the OP is that he's blaming the ex without taking the responsibility. And I think OP would feel differently if it was some other girl perhaps (i.e. she has acknowledged they are not exclusive) but the fact that this ex has some hold over him and blatantly ignores boundaries, such as locked doors is just too much. Well and then there is the fact that may not be exactly how it happened. Anyway, like i said in my post above, decide what you want OP and go from there. If you don't know because this has created doubts, say so and step back a bit until you do know. Make this about you and what you want rather than about him, her.

[TheTraveler]

Admittedly, we had sex too fast (on the second date). After weeks of talking, five dates, lots of emotional vulnerability, and plenty of sex, he told me last night that his ex (who is bipolar and has a criminal record) came to his house a night or two after we last slept together, et herself in, and got into bed with him. He had sex with her (he had previously told me she was just a friend).

 

I understand that we were not yet exclusive and that he was within his rights to see other people. I don't really want to debate was "exclusivity" means.

 

Despite understanding this, I am horribly hurt.

 

You should have talked about exclusivity or dating each other monogamously after having lots of sex with him multiple times over the coarse of weeks.

 

Since it was never brought up by you or him, here you are.

 

On the flip side: he could of been monogamous and you were out banging other guys.

 

At the end of the day, open up what you think rather than let it come to this

[guest569]

Yes, having the right to sleep with others doesn’t make it right. He is in a vulnerable place too. But personally I would cut ties with him now, as I don’t like being in a situation where the ex still has a lot of control. I’m naive and maybe old fashioned but I consider what he did cheating, or at least two timing. I don’t believe that some formal exclusivity talk or rules necessary. People should just not be pricks . So of course it’s understandable that you’re hurt.

 

I agree with Basil that he seems so passive and relaxed about it all and doesn’t take any responsibility. She broke in and climbed into bed, really? Come on. He didn’t hear noise and see what was happening? Unless it was a rape, I think his defence is pathetic. Did he even apologise?

 

Sorry, just read page 2. Yep you did the right thing.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The fact that she is unemployed and has a criminal record (didn't you say) doesn't speak very highly of him for allowing her access to his place.

 

Whether you're in the picture or not, a professional man who would risk allowing a woman with a record to have access to his place must have some kind of emotional connection with her that he hasn't broken yet. Add to that, the fact that he risked his relationship with you to sleep with her and it seems to me there is more between the two of them than he's admitting. Either that or he's an extremely weak man.

 

Sure, he wants a relationship with you, because he knows things with her are pretty hopeless. Yet, still he allows her access to him and to his home.

 

Good for you breaking it off. I believe you'd just have had a lot of continued heartache with him if you hadn't.