Are you always the one dealing with the coward

[Fair]

Meaning, are you always the one who has to end it, the one who has to be real about the relationship you're in, always have to be the one with the courage to face the truth... i.e - say, he's not over his ex but would never admit it, so you have to be the one to be strong and let him go... face the truth, no matter how much it hurts, and despite how strong you have to be to go back to being alone when being alone is tough, scary and often painful.

 

This happens consistently with me, in fact, it's never happened any other way. I've always had to be the one with the 'balls' so to speak. I've had to be the one to speak the truth.

 

I don't know... maybe this happens to me so often because most people settle just to have someone around... and I can't do that. But then it would seem most people are getting a raw deal.

 

Where are the men that are actually ready to be in a relationship, emotionally available, genuinely interested, not just looking for someone to fill a void or to help them get over someone else? Where are the men with enough guts to admit they're not ready for a relationship, or the men with enough compassion and decency as human beings to not be willing to string you along knowing you'll just get hurt in the end?

 

Relationships are tough for me because everyone is so damned selfish... I'm tired of being strong... I don't feel strong anymore, I feel worn down by all the b.s. How many others can relate to what I'm saying? How do you manage to stay positive. How high are your standards? Am I right in thinking most people just settle, knowing the relationship probably won't last but are willing to just take what they can get for the time being?

 

The man that just strung me along chatting for three months on OLD was so adamant he had 'enough love to go around' that he was over his ex wife, and then made no attempt to keep off his facebook page how much he obviously still loves this woman who incidentally, cheated on him incessantly and is now married again. I mean, he invited me to look at his facebook page without even thinking how I'd feel to see him mourning her on facebook. I swear, I don't know what the hell people are thinking!!! Did he really think I'd run into his arms after seeing all that? It's enough to swear off dating for good.

 

It would be really bad judgement, but I often feel like posting something on his facebook page that points out he's still bawling into his soup over this woman. I feel like he was insulting my intelligence ... and that makes me very, very angry. I've never been able to stand b.s... not ever in my life... over anything. And there are many times you feel like giving people what they deserve ... by calling them out, which they hate more than anything. But it's what they deserve!

Edited November 20, 2017 by Fair

[kassy]

Why did you talk to him for 3 months without meeting? (Sounds like you didn't meet, I'm unsure)

 

Words are fine, but meeting someone in person and seeing actions give you a better idea of the person.

 

I don't invest in anyone until I've met them. I get them to meet after I decide I know enough to have a coffee with them.

 

There are plenty of great guys out there who want a relationship. You just seem to spend too much energy on ones that aren't giving any indication of being ready to give you what you want.

[kassy]

For this guy. Just message him and say after seeing his Facebook you think he isn't over his ex and not ready to be in a new relationship. And that you want a relationship and so are going to move on.

 

Sounds like he's struggling to cope in his life. Don't take it personally but also don't enable it. Message him, then block him on everything and move on. No need to post crazy stuff on his Facebook.

[Buriall]

Why do you identify being alone scary, tough and painful?

 

why are you looking for another being to make you happy??

[Fair]

Actually, we did meet. I felt it was pointless to meet after I spoke to him enough on the phone, but just because they're only phone calls actually doesn't mean you didn't meet! You did! You spent hours conversing, getting a feel for each other, perhaps even developing feelings. In fact, I sometimes feel like people are in many cases more genuine over the phone because the tension of being in your presence is absent.

 

So, I'm not one to discount the value of phone conversations. I don't treat them as 'not having met.' You really have met whether you've been face to face or not. I don't believe I'd have learned any more about this man than I did on the phone, if instead we'd met for coffee.

 

It could be I have a bad picker, but am more inclined to believe after a certain age, all men are stuck in the past, with an ex, with baggage, and there's no moving forward with them. And no honesty from them!

[Fair]

Why do you identify being alone scary, tough and painful?

 

why are you looking for another being to make you happy??

 

Lets drop the tough act here. It does become scary being alone once you hit your forties and you've never found anyone... and there isn't even anyone on the horizon. Once you've lived enough you come to realize the only things that really matter are love... relationships... everybody needs someone, and someone of their own they can share everything with. Family, even provided you were lucky enough to be born into a good one, could never fill the space in your life a romantic partner can fill.

 

Why the hell does everyone have to pretend they don't need anyone? That doesn't help anything. Of course we do. No one wants to die alone.

[Buriall]

Its not an act at all, I dont believe in that jazz that everybody needs someone.

 

would you believe me if i said... id be ok if i died alone?

[Fair]

Its not an act at all, I dont believe in that jazz that everybody needs someone.

 

would you believe me if i said... id be ok if i died alone?

 

O.K sure. But you're a rare breed.

[kassy]

Actually, we did meet. I felt it was pointless to meet after I spoke to him enough on the phone, but just because they're only phone calls actually doesn't mean you didn't meet! You did! You spent hours conversing, getting a feel for each other, perhaps even developing feelings. In fact, I sometimes feel like people are in many cases more genuine over the phone because the tension of being in your presence is absent.

 

So, I'm not one to discount the value of phone conversations. I don't treat them as 'not having met.' You really have met whether you've been face to face or not. I don't believe I'd have learned any more about this man than I did on the phone, if instead we'd met for coffee.

 

It could be I have a bad picker, but am more inclined to believe after a certain age, all men are stuck in the past, with an ex, with baggage, and there's no moving forward with them. And no honesty from them!

 

Ok well I'm in my late 30's and I disagree completely. I still don't understand why you spent to long not meeting him. Phone calls may be fine but they don't make a relationship.

 

If it was pointless to meet then why carry on with the phone calls? And write this? A relationship happens in person. You didn't meet in 3 months.

 

I don't meet men with baggage and who are stuck in the past with an ex. My boyfriend (in his 40s, divorced and has kids) is a very well adjusted guy, totally over his ex and has sorted his life out so he was a great place when we met.

 

I also agree that people want to meet someone. But scary being alone?? How!?!

 

I'm a self sufficient woman. I have great friends a good job and live my life to the full. I felt the opposite to you in that my life alone was great and I had no doubt I'd meet someone great at some point, and no need to date someone who doesn't add to my life rather than detract from it.

 

I had already decided if I hit 40 so flexible then I'd adopt kids. I want to be a Mum. I don't want to do it with someone i don't want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't see that not having a man means I can't live my dreams and also a great man can turn up at any time.

 

Luckily my boyfriend turned up and while it's fairly new we are rediculously compatible. But saying that I've also date a lot of amazing men who are nothing like what you've described.

 

I suggest that you change your view on men and the world or it may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Buriall]

My point is, what you are chasing doesn;t exist and even if it did exist it will be gone one day so what are you to do then?

 

You came out of this world alone and you will die alone theres no escaping this reality

[kassy]

Not so flexible should read single lol

[Buriall]

My point is, what you are chasing doesn;t exist and even if it did exist it will be gone one day so what are you to do then?

 

You came into this world alone and you will die alone theres no escaping this reality

 

love kills

[Purepony]

Why did you talk to him for 3 months without meeting? (Sounds like you didn't meet, I'm unsure)

 

Words are fine, but meeting someone in person and seeing actions give you a better idea of the person.

 

I don't invest in anyone until I've met them. I get them to meet after I decide I know enough to have a coffee with them.

 

There are plenty of great guys out there who want a relationship. You just seem to spend too much energy on ones that aren't giving any indication of being ready to give you what you want.

 

 

 

You must be hot to make a statement like this because I see guys cheating left and right who don’t wanna commit

[Highndry]

You must be hot to make a statement like this because I see guys cheating left and right who don’t wanna commit

 

I don't think that's the majority of men. I think we get a bad rap. I'm a guy who's never cheated on a woman, and never would. One's enough for me. I'd end the relationship before I'd stray.

 

My ex used to look at me funny when I'd tell her this stuff. I meant it. But, she had this insecurity in her that I would find somebody better. I completely quit talking to any women through email or anything after we became exclusive. She, on the other hand, had all sorts of secret internet shenanigans going on, but I digress.

[kassy]

I don't think that's the majority of men. I think we get a bad rap. I'm a guy who's never cheated on a woman, and never would. One's enough for me. I'd end the relationship before I'd stray.

 

I agree with you. Guys do get a bad rap. There are plenty of guys like you out there in my opinion.

[kassy]

You must be hot to make a statement like this because I see guys cheating left and right who don’t wanna commit

 

It's not about being hot or not, it's about being able to assess whether someone wants to and is in a space to give you what you are looking for. Amazing concept but most people will let you know fairly fast through actions and a few.critical conversations.

 

This guy never did anything to suggest he was in a place to have a relationship with her now so she should move on ASAP.

[basil67]

Where are the men that are actually ready to be in a relationship, emotionally available, genuinely interested, not just looking for someone to fill a void or to help them get over someone else? Where are the men with enough guts to admit they're not ready for a relationship, or the men with enough compassion and decency as human beings to not be willing to string you along knowing you'll just get hurt in the end?

 

Where are these men? I would imagine that these men aren't on OLD. The men you are looking for are going about their lives, meeting people, doing things and living outside of their computers. They not *actively* looking for a relationship which may be to fill a void.

[kassy]

Where are these men? I would imagine that these men aren't on OLD. The men you are looking for are going about their lives, meeting people, doing things and living outside of their computers. They not *actively* looking for a relationship which may be to fill a void.

 

Come on there are all kinds of.men online.

 

I agree get out have a fantastic life by yourself and mingle but also do online dating, why restrict yourself?!

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me it is the opposite: the older I get, the more I enjoy being alone and the less BS from men I'm prepared to take.

 

As for previously married men, I am yet to meet one that is truly over the ex wife.

[basil67]

Come on there are all kinds of.men online.

 

I agree get out have a fantastic life by yourself and mingle but also do online dating, why restrict yourself?!

 

And I could agree with you. But the OP is only finding the desperadoes online, so perhaps she needs to give it a rest for a bit.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you need to exert more control over your emotions and investment levels when getting to know someone.

 

I thought you were going to talk about a long term relationship but you barely know the guy at all.

Time spent face to face is when you get to know someone, by your forties I can't understand how you wouldn't already know this.

[act00]

I would say that one way to weed out the ones that aren't ready would be to not pursue a texting relationship for an extended period. Three months is a long time. If they're unwilling to meet within a week's time (maybe two), don't bother. Don't invest. There's no guarantee here that the man isn't still hung up on an ex or has other baggage to contend with, but you've at least whittled out the perpetual texters and pen pals.

 

On those first couple of dates, even text, there's typically the question of why you're dating, were you married, why aren't you in a relationship, and this is normal discussion. Someone who's not still hung up on the ex or still dealing with the breakup is less likely to go into a lot of detail. "It just didn't work out," "She cheated," and move on in the conversation. Someone who is still hung up on the ex or dealing with the breakup might go into a lot of detail, even trash-talk the ex. You're not going on a date to be his therapist, so if he's not over her, move on.

 

How long have they been broken up? Have they dated anyone else since the breakup? If you're the first, you risk being the rebound, so you take the chance to continue pursuing or not.

 

I don't know what it is about you or what you're doing or attracted to that seems to make you a magnet for unavailable men, but you can take some steps in just not investing too much time, particularly with OLD and the texting. No meet, no text.

 

And stay local. I mean, the whole point is to actually have a person around you can kiss and touch and spend time with. If they're too far, that increases the ability to maintain texting without actually moving forward. Seeing them is difficult even if they are fully invested in you, but if their heart is elsewhere, it's even harder.

[kendahke]

This happens consistently with me, in fact, it's never happened any other way. I've always had to be the one with the 'balls' so to speak. I've had to be the one to speak the truth.

 

If you keep consistently and constantly attracting the same character in a different body, that means that there is some life lesson you are refusing to learn and this lesson will keep showing up until you learn what you need to learn. No one can tell you what that is--it is something in your self awareness that has not been addressed.

 

It might be a good idea to be by yourself, do some in-depth emotional work on yourself so you can find out what it is you need to learn so that you begin to attract a better sort of character to you.

[kendahke]

I'd say you have to get to a place where being alone isn't the kiss of death.

 

A lot of people are with someone who is completely wrong for them and they are together for all the wrong reasons, so having "a man" or "a woman" isn't necessarily a prize in an of itself. It has to be the right person and the right reasons, not just to fill a void because you don't want to be alone.

 

If you can't stand your own company, then you're going to attract people who can't stand your company, either. If you love your company and fill your life with things which feed your soul and make you happy, people are naturally going to want to bask in some of that sunshine.

 

Versacehottie relayed a story in another thread about one of her friends who was dealing with a guy who didn't want to be 100% in with her... she filled up her life to the point where the only time she had time for him was a couple of hours on a Saturday morning--but he rose the occasion and now things have progressed well for her. She fell in love with her own life and increased her own sunshine to the point where he saw it was a better deal for him to open up a can of "act right" so he could bask in it.

 

That would be my suggestion to you. Set a goal and put all the energy you're putting into lamenting how the wrong men won't act right into accomplishing that goal; when that's done, set another goal and accomplish that. This fills up your life and fills that void that you think having a man will fill.

[Fair]

Okay, well I'm just not ready to fall for all this flowery talk. People on these internet chat forums are all the same. You come here saying you'd like to have or need someone in your life and everyone sneers at you when the very fact you're human means you do need someone. We all do. It's not about being desperate or needy... and the older the get the more imperative you find someone because let's face it, the older you get the more difficult life is going to get. The more vulnerable you're going to be.

 

I find people on these forums to be full of bravado, all of them declaring their own perfect contentment, lack of need for anyone, everyone wearing a mask to show how above needing someone to love them they are... as though it's somehow weak, silly, and they're just too damned strong for that. JUST LIKE THEY DO ON OLD. And yet there're they because really, they need a partner. It's the human condition.

 

When are people going to take the mask off and show some vulnerability. It should be easy to do on an ANONYMOUS forum like this one. Here, you don't have to put up a pic, text or call, or make yourself vulnerable in any way... but if you can't do that in this safe environment, it's no wonder OLD so often fails where you actually have to have enough guts to be real about yourselves.

 

I did dump the guy on OLD I've been referring him. I stand by the fact that I did meet him even though it wasn't face to face, and that my decision to dump him was the right one despite the fact we never met for coffee.

 

Nor do I wish I had gotten something from him I knew I wasn't going to get. My only gripe is that... yet again... I encountered another selfish coward, who didn't have room in his heart for me but who wanted to see if he could still get what he could get... for his own good, only.