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Guy I'm dating behaviour doesn't make sense ?


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I've been dating this guy for a few months (over 6 months). We've had problems but we've kind of worked them out until now. His behaviour seems to have no pattern and is very inconsistent but also baffling. For a few weeks recently he has been ignoring my texts and would only respond every couple of days. So I put it down to him being busy which is what he would tell me. We would still meet and go on dates twice a week. Suddenly with the last few days he has been texting me all day and actually REPLYING which is unlike him. He has been way more affectionate in person and happier! He just started acting like his old self, the one when I first met him.

 

And now today he has been ignoring me again. I sent him a text last night and he hasn't even opened it yet. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but his behaviour goes from one extreme to the next. One minute he's very into me and affectionate, the next I don't hear from him. His personality is very introverted and he likes his alone time quite a bit.

 

During one of his "on" moods he asked me what I wanted for Christmas as he's going to get me a gift (he never buys anything for anyone). He also joked that when his lease is up we will get our own place next and he joked about what he will wear meeting my mother. (I've met his mother he hasn't met mine yet). I don't know if he's actually not even interested and playing me or what but when we do meet he's affectionate, holds my hand in public, cuddles me on the bus, kisses me in public, pays for dates. He said he's not seeing other people and he isn't hiding the fact we are dating so I'm not sure. Any advice?

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I've been dating this guy for a few months (over 6 months). We've had problems but we've kind of worked them out until now. His behaviour seems to have no pattern and is very inconsistent but also baffling. For a few weeks recently he has been ignoring my texts and would only respond every couple of days. So I put it down to him being busy which is what he would tell me. We would still meet and go on dates twice a week. Suddenly with the last few days he has been texting me all day and actually REPLYING which is unlike him. He has been way more affectionate in person and happier! He just started acting like his old self, the one when I first met him.

 

And now today he has been ignoring me again. I sent him a text last night and he hasn't even opened it yet. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but his behaviour goes from one extreme to the next. One minute he's very into me and affectionate, the next I don't hear from him. His personality is very introverted and he likes his alone time quite a bit.

 

During one of his "on" moods he asked me what I wanted for Christmas as he's going to get me a gift (he never buys anything for anyone). He also joked that when his lease is up we will get our own place next and he joked about what he will wear meeting my mother. (I've met his mother he hasn't met mine yet). I don't know if he's actually not even interested and playing me or what but when we do meet he's affectionate, holds my hand in public, cuddles me on the bus, kisses me in public, pays for dates. He said he's not seeing other people and he isn't hiding the fact we are dating so I'm not sure. Any advice?

 

My advice is to talk to him about it and share what your needs are, in a non-accusatory way, talk about the things you enjoy about the relationship, share your concerns, and see what he says.

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My advice is to talk to him about it and share what your needs are, in a non-accusatory way, talk about the things you enjoy about the relationship, share your concerns, and see what he says.

 

Yes I will. But I won't send him anymore texts as he has ignored the last one from yesterday for no reason that I can think of. This is what I don't understand about his behaviour.

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My advice is to talk to him about it and share what your needs are, in a non-accusatory way, talk about the things you enjoy about the relationship, share your concerns, and see what he says.

 

Am I reading too much into this or is his behaviour weird? I'm not sure!

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If he is an introvert, and needs alone time, then it is likely that after periods of closeness with you, he truly needs time alone with less communication and the freedom to focus on other things.

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One thing that stood out to me is that you've been seeing each other for 6 months. Any particular reason why it hasn't become official?

 

He could be keeping this inconsistent and more casual on purpose.

 

Or, there could be some deeper issue that compels him to back away after a period of closeness.

 

Either way, after 6 months, you should have a better sense of what is driving this behaviour. Have a talk with him. Explain that you feel confused; let him clarify and fill in the blanks.

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One thing that stood out to me is that you've been seeing each other for 6 months. Any particular reason why it hasn't become official?

 

He could be keeping this inconsistent and more casual on purpose.

 

Or, there could be some deeper issue that compels him to back away after a period of closeness.

 

Either way, after 6 months, you should have a better sense of what is driving this behaviour. Have a talk with him. Explain that you feel confused; let him clarify and fill in the blanks.

 

It was official for the first few months but we broke up. We have since worked things out apart from his confusing behaviour. He works over 70 hours a week so he wants to date but not a relationship because he doesn't have time. I'm meeting him tonight but I don't know what to say without sounding needy? What should I say to him?

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6 months of this??? Darling best of luck talking to him about it. I doubt very much things are going to change. Hot cold people don't change. Psychologists recommend you run the other way.

 

Remember if you think you are going to scare him away because your needs are not being met...that should tell you he's a poor dater/a bad relationship/lazy BF/doesn't have empathy.

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6 months of this??? Darling best of luck talking to him about it. I doubt very much things are going to change. Hot cold people don't change. Psychologists recommend you run the other way.

 

Remember if you think you are going to scare him away because your needs are not being met...that should tell you he's a poor dater/a bad relationship/lazy BF/doesn't have empathy.

 

Why are people hot and cold though? Does it mean he's playing me?

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Versacehottie
Why are people hot and cold though? Does it mean he's playing me?

 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying to figure out the "whys" of what he does at this point. The reason: you should be measuring up what he does compared to what YOU need. Safe to say, this is not working for you. If I am reading into your post correctly, you are acting in some ways like you are in a relationship and he does---but only when it suits him. I tend to think that when guys (or people) are like this with the hot & cold that a pattern has been established with you & him. It probably is unlikely to change between you two because it is the dynamic you guys have between each other. Doesn't mean he won't get it together for another girl later when he is ready for a relationship.

 

I know you are still desperate to have the "why". Sounds like he's emotionally unavailable--could be where he is in his life and it could be just that he isn't with you. You will make yourself nuts trying to figure it out--and assuming you want to do that so you can 'change' his mind about this blockages or make it work. IMO, the best thing you can do is not let the pattern (of him taking you for granted or selfish behavior) set in. So IMO it's best to stop seeing him until he can really give you what you need. He may have thought he could when you reconciled the last time but is slipping back into his old ways. Plus it could just be lip service. I wouldn't say he is playing you as that might has not been his intention. He will be "playing you" though if you allow this when it's clearly not what you want. No need to "hang in there" with someone who can't or won't give you what you need. Best way to get their respect is to move on and let him try to catch up when he gets his emotional sh*t together. Which may be never but not smart to keep accepting "less than" behavior from him. Good luck

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Why are people hot and cold though? Does it mean he's playing me?

 

Some say they are dealing with their own insecurities, worried about how you feel about them. Or they simply have a personality that doesn't like getting too close to people or trust people. The big thing that is mentioned is that they never change. You have been putting up with this behavior for 6 months. I'm sure you have mentioned it to him before, no?

 

It doesn't matter why, what matters is how he treats you. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....do you like this 50/50 way of being treated? Hell no! So why are you still with him? After 6 months you should be hittin the road and meet someone else.

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Versacehottie

oh and i would say his behavior does make sense: he has the situation now exactly as he would desire it. It totally makes sense. A girl who acts like his girlfriend when he feels like having one and one who doesn't rock the boat too much when he doesn't. He is getting everything he wants and needs out of this deal but you aren't so much.

 

People are going to advocate or push for what they want. I suggest that you do the same. If you want a bf and are not getting consistency from him, move on so you can find it. It will be with someone else or maybe he will learn (for real) that he can't be like this with you.

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oh and i would say his behavior does make sense: he has the situation now exactly as he would desire it. It totally makes sense. A girl who acts like his girlfriend when he feels like having one and one who doesn't rock the boat too much when he doesn't. He is getting everything he wants and needs out of this deal but you aren't so much.

 

People are going to advocate or push for what they want. I suggest that you do the same. If you want a bf and are not getting consistency from him, move on so you can find it. It will be with someone else or maybe he will learn (for real) that he can't be like this with you.

 

The thing is, I have broke up with him for not treating me right and I explained all this to him. And what normally happens is a few days to a week after I dump him he comes back all sorry apologising saying he does want to be with me, missed me, loves me and will change if I let him prove it to me. He said a few weeks back he will do all these things in public to prove he's mad for me. It's like clockwork.

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The thing is, I have broke up with him for not treating me right and I explained all this to him. And what normally happens is a few days to a week after I dump him he comes back all sorry apologising saying he does want to be with me, missed me, loves me and will change if I let him prove it to me. He said a few weeks back he will do all these things in public to prove he's mad for me. It's like clockwork.

 

Young Lady,

 

I think it is high time you tell him EXACTLY what you wrote here. You have every right to be concerned. I do not know if he is cheating (If he works 70 hours a week, although I know cheaters do find time, I work close to that during a week so I know I am pretty wiped out) or not, but I truthfully don't see that as an issue.

 

What is an issue, for sure, is that your needs are not being met.

 

I know you obviously like him enough that you would like to see where the relationship takes you, but his milquetoast actions with running hot or cold, can be confusing to say the least.

 

Just lay everything out when you see him next. Put the onus on him to either step up or step out. You deserve to not be kept in a state of Limbo.

 

So tell him straight up what you wrote here and leave it with him.

 

Even in love, sometimes we men need to have a stern presentation put forward to us, in the tone of a disapproving mother, to force us to realize it is incumbent upon us to crap or get off the pot.

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Stop sending him text messages. Let him seek you out--that's how you know he's got genuine interest.

 

I think that the next time he does this disappearing act then pops back up like nothing's happened, you shouldn't be so quick to fall back in with him... I'd be "not so fast.. we've been down this road too many times and I'm tired of repeating myself. I think we should slow way down because your actions are not consistent with your words", and then follow through on that action.

 

If he wants to be with you, then he's 100% in it, not 30% for 10 days, 200% for 3 days then back to 30%.

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Why are people hot and cold though? Does it mean he's playing me?

 

Because you are an option to him. He invests when he feels like it--when he doesn't, he doesn't.

 

All of us are busy in our lives--we make time for those things and people which are important to us.

 

I'm meeting him tonight but I don't know what to say without sounding needy? What should I say to him?

 

"You need to concentrate on work and I'm going to back out of this. I want more than being an option and after 6 months of this, it's clear that this is as far as this train rides. I wish you well and all success in your life endeavors". If he's being honest and not greedy/self-centered, he will agree and be amicable about ending things.

 

People treat you the way they feel about you.

Edited by kendahke
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Because you are an option to him. He invests when he feels like it--when he doesn't, he doesn't.

 

All of us are busy in our lives--we make time for those things and people which are important to us.

 

 

 

"You need to concentrate on work and I'm going to back out of this. I want more than being an option and after 6 months of this, it's clear that this is as far as this train rides. I wish you well and all success in your life endeavors". If he's being honest and not greedy/self-centered, he will agree and be amicable about ending things.

 

People treat you the way they feel about you.

 

I've said this before to him and his response is he wants to be with me, I'm not wasting my time etc. Like he'll come back begging for another chance saying he will change so I don't get it.

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I've said this before to him and his response is he wants to be with me, I'm not wasting my time etc. Like he'll come back begging for another chance saying he will change so I don't get it.

 

Screw what he says---how does he act? He says anything to get back in with you, but look at how he's spitting on the chances you keep giving him.

 

He comes back because you let him come back.

 

You have more agency here than you seem to believe.

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Screw what he says---how does he act? He says anything to get back in with you, but look at how he's spitting on the chances you keep giving him.

 

He comes back because you let him come back.

 

You have more agency here than you seem to believe.

 

His actions. Well he takes me on dates twice a week. He does see me regularly enough. He's happy with the way it's going but I'm not.

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Scarlett.O'hara
he takes me on dates twice a week. He does see me regularly enough. He's happy with the way it's going but I'm not.

 

Tell him that.

 

Wouldn't you rather appear "needy" than settle for a mediocre relationship that doesn't make you happy?

 

It doesn't sound like too much to ask.

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You already told him, you broke up because of it, it never worked so why bother confronting him again...like I said, hot/cold people do not change. Go find yourself a new BF.

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He has already told you he doesn't want a serious relationship, so unless you are happy with casual, and it doesn't sound like it, I think you need to move on.

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Versacehottie
I've said this before to him and his response is he wants to be with me, I'm not wasting my time etc. Like he'll come back begging for another chance saying he will change so I don't get it.

 

You don't need to understand his motivations for why he does this--only that he does it & it doesn't make you satisfied & specifically not what you told him you would accept. He basically does it because he can get away with it. His behavior won't change if he keeps getting away with it! You can't be scared to break up with him or stop seeing him--it's your only chance to get what you want. He basically IS wasting your time. And regardless of trying to find reason with why or pin it on him in some way, he is doing it because he can have things exactly the way he wants with you. At this point you need to take personal responsibility of if this is not what you want from a guy, then why do you accept it? Anyway, you are in danger of turning more into a doormat, not less, by sticking around and accepting bad conditions from him.

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It was official for the first few months but we broke up. We have since worked things out apart from his confusing behaviour. He works over 70 hours a week so he wants to date but not a relationship because he doesn't have time. I'm meeting him tonight but I don't know what to say without sounding needy? What should I say to him?

 

I had a feeling there was more to the initial post.

 

Look, he's been very clear that he doesn't want a relationship and his actions reflect that. I am not sure how you've worked things out when you also say you're not actually in a relationship at this time?

 

I know it sucks and it's disappointing, but it sounds like he actually is being consistent on the one thing that matters: he doesn't want a girlfriend, so he doesn't behave like your boyfriend. That, to me, is not confusing. He's behaving exactly as most casual daters do.

 

The problem is that you are expecting him to become more like your boyfriend again, when he's already told you he can't or won't give you that.

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I know it sucks and it's disappointing, but it sounds like he actually is being consistent on the one thing that matters: he doesn't want a girlfriend, so he doesn't behave like your boyfriend. That, to me, is not confusing. He's behaving exactly as most casual daters do.

 

The problem is that you are expecting him to become more like your boyfriend again, when he's already told you he can't or won't give you that.

 

Repeated because this deserves to be read twice. Expat nailed it...please take her advice.

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