My boyfriend is a completely different person online

[na27]

I've been in a relationship for two months now. It has been one of those "too good to be true" type situations, to the point where even my friends and family agreed he seemed to be without flaws. About two weeks ago, I found something to kill that fantasy right away. We've had little spats and all, but things I could fully manage- plus I think differences in relationships are actually important to get perspective and we all have our flaws. But my boyfriend has a concerning internet presence that I do not know how to handle.

 

It started out as me being embarrassed to share my Twitter and Facebook with him, for a stupid fear that he'd search through my old stuff and find something embarrassing. But it turns out that he had the worse content- and it was consistent and recent.

My boyfriend in person is so lovely. He treats me better than any guy I've dated before. He's intelligent and respectful and talks highly of others. He is generally optimistic and makes me laugh a ton.

 

Online, he picks fights with people who don't have the same views as him. He actually looks up particular tags and picks people to respond to that he doesn't agree with. This is something I have not kept quiet about because after I read some particularly nasty tweets of his, I had to confront him. He genuinely believes that him speaking out against these people will raise their intelligence. This is something that sounds like it should be from a madman, but he's the most chill person in real life. It's insane. I cannot wrap my head around this. He has an angry, quite frankly disgusting internet persona that is not even close to him in person.

 

He becomes demeaning, especially of women and their appearances when they are fighting with him, which is particularly what I called him out on. He assures he says these things in the heat of the moment, but I worry that if he could easily say that to someone in a fight, he could possibly say something like that to me in the future.

 

I had to mute him on Twitter and I unfollowed him on Facebook. He's ten times worse on Twitter, but he does occasionally attack people on Facebook too and it embarrasses me because he's friends with all my friends on there. They've all met him in person and know he's a sweetheart, but the difference of him online is just so shocking.

 

I needed to vent on here but I also really need advice. This is such a peculiar situation and I feel stuck. I've brought it up five times now, and he's starting to get annoyed. I've asked him what he gets out of it, and also told him that he's not changing anyone's mind but actually making them hate his views even more. (Slightly political here): Another weird thing is he is a registered Democrat with fairly liberal views but on Twitter he attacks liberals specifically and retweets very conservative thoughts. I don't mind differing political views, (two of my closest friends and also a lot of my relatives voted differently than I did and it makes no difference to me) but I don't understand his drastic differences.

 

I can only compare it to him having a persona, like some kind of villain from a comic book or something. It's so odd, and he thinks nothing of it. The last time I confronted him about it, asking him to let up a bit and at least post a bit less, we got in a fight and it still isn't completely resolved. What would you do in this situation?

Edited November 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StephenV]

Hello,

 

Well, I think you have every right to be worried about this. However, I don't think that his online presence/persona is anything to do with his 'real' persona. You say that his Twitter persona is worse than the Facebook one - as someone who's used Twitter for almost 10 years and been in a few arguments myself, it does get pretty nasty on there. I've never insulted anyone's looks, but have seen many others do so (and been insulted in that way, too).

 

The thing about Twitter is it's very reactionary - it seems to rile people up a lot, in a way you don't really see on other SM. There's a real weird psychology to it all. People often get away with saying horrid things on there.

 

Personally, I think you did the right thing by unfollowing him - it's clearly upsetting you and you don't need to see that. Unless his behaviour gets worrying IRL, I don't think you need to 'do' anything, here.

 

In this situation I'd probably just let my partner know just how I felt about those things but I wouldn't try to get them to delete/post less, that will just annoy them and you'll just argue. Just ignore the whole thing. If he tries to bring Twitter up with you just say look, I'm not interested. He'll soon drop it. If his behaviour becomes worrying IRL then it's time to take action but until then... just leave it as it is, I'd say

[Highndry]

Wow, that's pretty bad. It reminds me of news piece on television that was talking about road rage and how people you'd never suspect of it were some of the worst offenders. It put a camera in this soft spoken accountant's vehicle and he was GOING OFF on people, screaming, purple-faced, flipping them off. It was bizarre. At any rate, if he's doing things online that have the potential to embarrass you in real life, I'd say that's a MAJOR problem, not to mention the fact that you are thinking less of him because of what he's doing.

[chinadiary]

Slightly different situation, but my daughter does similar stuff online. When it's just her and her friends, I'm like, whatever.

 

But sometimes, if we have linked stuff, my friends can see it and it's embarrassing.

 

I've talked to her about how her online stuff will affect people's perception of her and how it might impact her job or future employment, but she can't see it.

[kassy]

I'd dump him. I wouldn't respect someone who does that and I wouldn't want to be associated with them. Making me have those feelings about a boyfriend is a deal breaker.

 

Move on a find someone else. They are out there.

[BluEyeL]

I worry that in real life he puts up an act that will make him have the image he needs to have to get what he wants in life, while online he feels he is safe to be who he really is .

 

15 .

years ago I first discovered online forums. I was married , with a 1 yr old and my then mother in law was living with us. She was extremely nasty and mean to me and I felt that every single day I had to suppress and bite my tongue to keep the peace and it was hard. I was also doing a Ph.D and also my advisor was very abusive. And of course I could never say anything just shut up and keep my head down.

 

Well, on that forum I felt wow, I can finally say what I want and I can finally not suppress my feelings. I was pretty aggressive and get into fights and get pleasure from telling everyone "the truth".

 

In your case I would indeed be careful. You've been with this man just two months. I'm not sure if you should break up with thin but I do worry that the online him is the real him and that you'll end up seeing a mean streak of him once he feels comfortable enough. That could be years down the road, could be after you are married... I don't know when. Normally I'd say better safe than sorry and look for someone else.

 

Just to clarify I wasn't insulting people myself but I was very righteous and aggressive. I would worry if he put people down especially women.

[Redhead14]

I think you should move on from this guy. And, I don't think he's got a Twitter/social media side and an in person side. You're just still in the honeymoon period and haven't seen the real him yet. Is his last name Trump?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would not be able to handle this. The occasional spat during an election or high-tension news time is one thing. A consistent battering of strangers online speaks to a need he has that I wouldn't want to see if I could fulfill!

[elaine567]

Stay away

He has shown you who he really is, you need to take heed.

 

Trolling is an online antisocial behaviour with negative psychological outcomes.

 

Current study predicted trolling perpetration from gender and personality.

 

Trolls more likely to be male with high levels of trait psychopathy and sadism

 

Trolls have lower affective empathy, and psychopathy moderates cognitive empathy.

 

See - Constructing the cyber-troll: Psychopathy, sadism, and empathy

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would let him go. He sounds like a coward and bully for certain. He is not what you think he is. The views he consistently expresses online IS A PART OF WHO HE IS. The facade he shows publicly is just that, a facade. His laid-back exterior in public hides a darker interior that will show itself in ways that you know you don't want to be a part of. His social, political views seem to be at odds with your own and that IS important.

Edited November 19, 2017 by simpleNfit

[rushed]

He assures he says these things in the heat of the moment, but I worry that if he could easily say that to someone in a fight, he could possibly say something like that to me in the future.

 

Ding ding ding ding ding!

 

When my now ex-boyfriend and I started dating I would witness him getting into these heated debates with other people. He was always sweet to me, but he would argue tirelessly with other people over stupid stuff (e.g. the effects of certain drugs, the proper way to treat your employees, his certain rights as a tenant, etc. all of which, by the way, I thought he was wrong.). But I thought, well, he'd never treat me like that. Haha. How wrong I was.

 

Eventually he and I started arguing. And there were so many times we'd be up until 4 in the morning. And I'd even tell him that I was tired and needed to go to sleep. But nope. He still wanted to "discuss" things.

 

I look back now at all the time I wasted with him and I wish I had broken up with him sooner.

[basil67]

I understand how torn you are given that he's lovely in all other ways. But the online persona you're trying to describe is what as known as an internet troll. His different politics between real life and online are just about deliberately upsetting people - they don't necessarily reflect his actual beliefs. And yes, it's only a matter of time before you are on the receiving end.

 

For me, it would be a dealbreaker. Especially because of the personal attacks which he's fond of using. Please read Elaine's link.

[kendahke]

I think you should move on from this guy. And, I don't think he's got a Twitter/social media side and an in person side. You're just still in the honeymoon period and haven't seen the real him yet.

 

^^^^This. All. Day. Long.

 

Your boyfriend is a troll. How he is on twitter is his unfiltered, actual self where he feels no accountability. The longer you know him, he will be working his way towards that same orientation with you.

 

Men who abuse their women also start off really charming and likeable, but that tendency to be abusive was always there--they are just really adept at masking it when it serves them to mask it. But there does come a day when they drop the pretense.

[na27]

Thank you to all the responses I've gotten so far. I've been in a few long-term relationships before this guy so that's why I'm especially weary. I know I'm still in that "honeymoon" phase but I am also realistic and I can see this problem becoming larger and him treating me like this down the road. It's going to be super difficult, but ending things might be the way to go. I'm taking some time to think it all over, and reread all these helpful responses. Thank you everyone!

[Highndry]

I understand how torn you are given that he's lovely in all other ways. But the online persona you're trying to describe is what as known as an internet troll. His different politics between real life and online are just about deliberately upsetting people - they don't necessarily reflect his actual beliefs. And yes, it's only a matter of time before you are on the receiving end.

 

For me, it would be a dealbreaker. Especially because of the personal attacks which he's fond of using. Please read Elaine's link.

 

I was checking out Elaine's link, and while I do think there are probably a number of internet trolls who are extremely disturbed, I also think that being "anonymous" emboldens people online, and some people exhibit behavior they never would in person.

 

Further, words on a screen sometimes come across differently than they would in person because there are no facial expressions or voice inflection to accompany them. I have sometimes found that things I have written appear harsh in hindsight and it's not how I intended to come across at all.

 

That being said, I do find his behavior concerning because he uses his real name and is apparently not even concerned with it at all. That tells me that at a certain point he will probably direct this behavior towards her, too, but I am no behavioral expert by any stretch so these are all just my humble observations and opinions.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I couldn't agree more with those who are advising you to move on from this guy. The traits you described are huge red flags waving in your face. I'd be out of there so fast as he's revealed his true self to you and, yes, one day it will be you he's abusing if you continue in a relationship with him.