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Not sure about the come back response

dingaling

By dingaling,
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dingaling

dingaling

Posted
Posted

It’s been a long while since I was on here but thought you guys would have come up with a good response for me to this issue.

 

I’m going away this weekend and invited a “friend” to go with me. I’ve known him for 5 years on and off, more off than on. In the past he’s been very unreliable which he promised me had changed . Anyway, had a lovely time with him recently after we hadn’t seen each other in over a year but just with a few conversations. I invited him because we had had such a great time. Anyway I feel like he is about to tell me he’s not coming. It’s fine that he doesn’t come because I like going away on my own. However I will be disappointed. What he’s done in the past is plant a little seed of doubt about a future meet up, eg I’m not feeling great. Then he bails. So now he tells me that he’s been to the doctors today.... you can see where this is going. I even text him today saying do you want to stay at home this weekend and his reply was, let’s see what the dr says tomorrow.

 

So when he bails tomorrow, I want a decent response. A quip maybe. I’m not going to have a go at him because I can’t be bothered. It’s not worth that energy and I want to go away on my little weekend feeling positive not drained.

 

Actually writing this is quite cathartic. Although this man is my poison that I appear to be drawn to. It even annoys me. I know some of the answers will be to just tell him to do one but I want a cleverer response than that. I have considered telling him I know that he was going to bail or just go no contact.

 

Any help will be greatly received!

 

ETA: I am not wanting a relationship with this man as he really isn’t right for me, also not sure I even want a relationship at the moment. Quite happy on my own.

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Versacehottie

Versacehottie

Posted
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doing and saying nothing will be the best response to his bailing

 

1000% agree with this. I think it's great that a guy is also saying this is what you should do. I know from both personal experience and helping my friends through this sort of stuff. That you can say something smart a**, tell them off, be nice like it's not a big deal and/or do nothing. Best results IMO from this unscientific survey is that doing and saying nothing is best. When (and if) he tries to work his way back in with you, you can say you are hesitant because of this incident or make him work his way back in with good behavior. Basically don't reward bad behavior with a reaction (and attention) and do reward good behavior. i.e. take a step back when someone hasn't done right by you. Good luck.

 

BTW, he's most likely expecting you to explode, tell him off etc. When you don't do that but only take a step back from him, it makes you more attractive TBH.

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JEG88

JEG88

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Posted

"I can't be bothered."

 

Yet you're here asking for advice on a good comeback because you want him to feel bad.

 

You're right, he's your poison and you want something from him. Reconcile that.

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dingaling

dingaling

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Posted (edited)
"I can't be bothered."

 

Yet you're here asking for advice on a good comeback because you want him to feel bad.

 

You're right, he's your poison and you want something from him. Reconcile that.

 

Harsh but mainly right.

 

Why say yes to going then bail. Why not just say I can’t go?

Edited by dingaling
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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Harsh but mainly right.

 

Why say yes to going then bail. Why not just say I can’t go?

 

Does he have social anxiety?

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kendahke

kendahke

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I cosign saying nothing to him. Just "Ok. Talk to you later"

 

If he ever comes 'round later trying to make plans with you, decline and tell him "yeah, no thanks". If he asks why, tell him "because you're too unreliable and I don't want to be stood up and have my time wasted, that's why". He doesn't respect your time.

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Jdoublenn

Jdoublenn

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I agree the best response is to ignore. BUT if you're like me and you'll find a way to reply anyways, Id put the emoji of the girl in purple, with her hands up like "huh?" or "ok whatever" and write

 

"I figured."

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bluefeather

bluefeather

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Kinda lame, those of you saying to ignore someone. That's very petty. You don't have to say something clever back, unless you do, in which case, grow up. Once he said, "let's see what the dr says," that was your queue to say, "you know what, let's just try some other time." And that other time can be in a million years.

 

What are you going to do if he ends up agreeing to go? It kinda sounds like you really don't like this guy.

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elaine567

elaine567

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What are you going to do if he ends up agreeing to go? It kinda sounds like you really don't like this guy.

 

I guess she does like him and was looking forward to having a good time with him but she is now pissed off as he is being Mr Unreliable again.

 

She has even given him an easy out but he declined...

I guess if he has a habit of doing this then it is just his style and may come from a place of fear or trepidation or at the other end of the spectrum from taking pleasure in other people's disappointment...

Who knows why?

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kendahke

kendahke

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Kinda lame, those of you saying to ignore someone. That's very petty.

 

We don't think someone is owed anything when they have a proven track record of bailing on plans over and over and over again. Nothing screams "I don't want to be bothered with you" than someone who consistently bails on plans.

 

The thing about human nature is: if something or someone is important to us, we will invest ourselves. If they aren't, we won't.

 

One time, ok. Two times, it's a pattern. Three times, you needed to stop at two.

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Versacehottie

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted (edited)
We don't think someone is owed anything when they have a proven track record of bailing on plans over and over and over again. Nothing screams "I don't want to be bothered with you" than someone who consistently bails on plans.

 

The thing about human nature is: if something or someone is important to us, we will invest ourselves. If they aren't, we won't.

 

One time, ok. Two times, it's a pattern. Three times, you needed to stop at two.

 

I agree with this and also want to say to poster who said advise is being petty that maybe "say nothing" is being misinterpreted in the way some of us meant it. I can easily have meant to it mean say nothing in regard to calling him out, telling him off or having a quip to say. I would easily say "some other time" to flakes (in no rush to get back to them with this text but than in no real rush to make next plans with them, ie. they have to work their way back in, improve their record of reliability, show some investment in some major way before I would recommend risking her time again with him. Like baby steps, like they can meet you for a small coffee short time together, join you at a party or event you are going to go to with or without them or do something you were already planning to do. Teach them to value your time or basically they get demoted to something where their presence or absence has little bearing.

 

Hard thing is that if this comes up in a dating situation, even a casual one, that IS the only real purpose of getting together so maybe if the guy keeps flaking there is no point in responding. They aren't on the same page and there really is nothing left to say or discuss. His words of saying he has changed are empty--this was his second chance. If he texts her a statement that requires no real answer and has no offer to "make it up to her" in some way or explain, I'm not sure he deserves a response--what is left to say?

 

lol, i have had several flakes in my life (more in the friend world than dating) but this is classic that they plant a seed of where you know they are not committed. Typical that they make it something of sickness or work-related so you can't protest. Typical that they are white lies or just plain lies. I think they are just non-committal types or juggling several priorities but don't prioritize OP because she allows him back in over and over. If she stops doing that, she will either get him out of her life in his wishy washy way or his behavior will truly improve. It's not really going to just be a one sentence quip that will resolve this for her.

 

BTW, a (non-flakey) friend of mine had a problem like this in a way. her guy was flakey about the total commitment to the relationship (not so on a day to day, date basis). He panic'd twice when they were very serious, living together and proposing was the next step. Both times they broke up and of course the second time she thought it was over and needed to proceed like it was. He came back, of course, and unbeknownst to all her friends the only way she would allow him back into her life was on little simple things she was going to do anyway and she kept him a secret for 4-6 months while he proved himself (as committed and reliable). In other words, you reduce how open you are about letting someone who has trouble committing (whether in a big or small way) by not allowing them the same access INTO your life. She made him come exercising with her which she was doing anyway--saturday mornings only, so he'd have to wait a whole week to see her again. It wasn't games; it was just the only access to herself that she was willing to give. Engaged now.

 

and sure, never want to stoop to their level and be petty but at what point to you owe it to them at your own expense to keep things polite and not petty. This guy is treating OP like her time and effort is insignificant and keeping her on the hook until the last minute. Idk, i don't think she owes him a reply necessarily--certainly not if it keeps her looped into the drama he has created surrounding a weekend away, which is supposed to be relaxing,i.e. she will be undoubtedly wondering how her words if she says some will have affected him, etc. & he may contact her throughout the weekend--as if she didn't take some other guy. His way of keeping her on the hook--not quite with him but not with another guy. Not impressive.

 

The position of strength in this scenario is to finally take the stance that what he does, doesn't really affect you. And fake that until it becomes reality. Sometimes I think the flakes get off on collecting invites, juggling people as some ego boost. The resolution is to not let him affect you. Don't give him the attention he craves (people crave good and bad attention if they are a little warped). Show him he's a non-issue and your life goes on without him. To me, even though the OP says this is kinda the case bc she doesn't want a relationship with him, she is letting him have a hold over her. It serves no purpose that is good for her really. If she has to be a little harsh to get herself back in the right state of mind to break this cycle with him, I'd say it was ok. :)

Edited by Versacehottie
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StephenV

StephenV

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Posted

I just wouldn't even bother to reply. I've got a friend just like this; we arrange to do something well in advance... the time comes and she completely disappears - doesn't answer messages, phone calls... then comes up with a bunch of excuses ("I fell asleep" "My mum wanted me to do such and such") - it's highly annoying and makes you feel so angry.

 

So yeah. I wouldn't even reply. Or if you're petty, just say that's OK, I've asked so-and-so, speak to you another time

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