Dating a man that wants to move away...

[wintersl33p]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a wonderful man for the past 2 months now. Initially our relationship was a slow burn, but after a few dates it really blossomed. We have been intimate with each other, and only each other, but we do not have any labels. When I met this man, he was applying for new jobs around the surrounding major cities. In the beginning, I asked him if he was planning to leave and he wasn't sure yet at the point.

 

We're now 2 months in, and a lot has happened to him. His company has layed off a majority of the company and has changed directions drastically. This has seemed to trigger something in him, and he has really started looking with a lot of intent, even out of state. He is attending a work conference out of state soon where he hopes to make network and connections.

 

I talked to him earlier this week to see if we were on the same page. I am looking for a relationship, but he thinks with everything that has happened, perhaps this will just be a short term thing. I was devastated but could understand his need to live elsewhere, which he has brought up on occasion. At one point he asked if it were easier for me to cut ties now, instead when he leaves early next year. My head and heart clashed. We never know what the future holds, he may get a position in the state. he may not. He started his search in state when we first met. At the same time, his future is so up in the air. I really enjoy his company and it was hard to leave him the next morning. In the end, we agreed to still hang out and take this a day at a time. We made tentative plans but haven't spoken since that talk. I plan to reach out after things cool down.

 

Please understand I am not staying in hopes he changes his mind, or trying to convince him otherwise. I've never felt a connection like this before... he makes me feel special, he's atentive, a good listener, we talk things through, are honest with one another...we go out on fun dates, all the things I look for in a partner. However, it seems our paths have crossed at a bad time and it hurts. I was done searching when I found him.

 

I guess I'm asking for advice from people that have been in situation and decided to ride it out until the clock ran out?

 

I know people will tell me to save my time and just end it. I just can't right now, because while the thought of him leaving is sad, at the same time, I want to spend his last days here together. The goodbye will be hard, I understand. I haven't embraced my feelings like this in a long time, or allowed myself to feel so vulnerable. Obviously, continuing to bring up the subject will be a strain if we just have a few months left. But is better for me to bring it up again in a few weeks, like check in to see where his head and heart are? Again, not trying to convince him to stay. Just looking how I can handle myself best in this situation.

 

Thanks.

Edited November 16, 2017 by wintersl33p

[smackie9]

Simply talk to him about it. He might not be as invested as you are...the truth must come out.

[olivetree]

Some may say it's too soon for him to know, but I find men generally know early on if they see a future with a woman.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's as sure of that future as you are.

 

You said you were done looking when you found him.

If he felt the same, I think he'd be doing everything in his power to find a job in his current state or asking you about the possibility of you coming with him in the future.

He'd be worried about your future together, not bringing up breaking up to save YOU heartache (notice no mention of his?)

That's a red flag to me.

[Whodatdog]

This guy doesnt see a future with you, that is painfully obvious. Im sure he's enjoyed dating you the past couple of months, but in his mind its not going to be a future relationship. Its up to you whether you want to cut ties now or not, but he has made his position clear.

[Highndry]

I agree with the others that it doesn't sound like he sees a future with you. It sounds like he's actually preparing for one without you.

[wintersl33p]

Simply talk to him about it. He might not be as invested as you are...the truth must come out.

 

 

We did talk about it, and I even asked his views on LDR. Honestly, I'm not really interested in LDR and neither was he. He did not mention a future with me in it, because I think he is so intent on leaving and probably not in a place to commit right now.

[wintersl33p]

Some may say it's too soon for him to know, but I find men generally know early on if they see a future with a woman.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's as sure of that future as you are.

 

You said you were done looking when you found him.

If he felt the same, I think he'd be doing everything in his power to find a job in his current state or asking you about the possibility of you coming with him in the future.

He'd be worried about your future together, not bringing up breaking up to save YOU heartache (notice no mention of his?)

That's a red flag to me.

 

I think men know a lot sooner than women, too. Yes, I thought I'd found someone I could start planning things with. Obviously 2 months is still pretty new, but enough time to pass where I decided I didn't want to date other people. He isn't dating anyone else right now either. Many people told me he should have put LDR on the table if he saw a future with me, because he should have been willing to try, even if I said no. I'm not so sure, because that's a lot to ask for someone you've only been dating 2 months. You're right. I was probably more heartbroken than him when we spoke, but I kept a clear head and didn't lash out of cry (not in front of him at least) and he talked about taking me on a road trip in the next few weeks as well.

[wintersl33p]

This guy doesnt see a future with you, that is painfully obvious. Im sure he's enjoyed dating you the past couple of months, but in his mind its not going to be a future relationship. Its up to you whether you want to cut ties now or not, but he has made his position clear.

 

 

 

I agree with the others that it doesn't sound like he sees a future with you. It sounds like he's actually preparing for one without you.

 

Thanks for your input. I'm under no illusion that if his job search pans out, we're over. And what if he finds a job in state? I don't know. Can I still date a man that chooses a career over me, but because he didn't move, ends up choosing me? What happens if he stays, but then finds another job a year later. Will this turn into a broken record? If things develop and his feelings change? All I can do is take the information I have right now and try to enjoy the time we have. Right now his heart is calling him elsewhere and I think he wants to start with a fresh slate.

[Highndry]

Thanks for your input. I'm under no illusion that if his job search pans out, we're over. And what if he finds a job in state? I don't know. Can I still date a man that chooses a career over me, but because he didn't move, ends up choosing me? What happens if he stays, but then finds another job a year later. Will this turn into a broken record? If things develop and his feelings change? All I can do is take the information I have right now and try to enjoy the time we have. Right now his heart is calling him elsewhere and I think he wants to start with a fresh slate.

 

I don't know what his financial situation is, what his interests and priorities are, or what dependents he has, but I can tell you that as a man I would place a high priority on a woman I felt I had a future with. I don't think it's often we meet compatible partners.

[olivetree]

Thanks for your input. I'm under no illusion that if his job search pans out, we're over. And what if he finds a job in state? I don't know. Can I still date a man that chooses a career over me, but because he didn't move, ends up choosing me? What happens if he stays, but then finds another job a year later. Will this turn into a broken record? If things develop and his feelings change? All I can do is take the information I have right now and try to enjoy the time we have. Right now his heart is calling him elsewhere and I think he wants to start with a fresh slate.

 

Those are good questions to ask yourself.

 

Forget about what he wants or what he is thinking.

What do you want?

Get really, really honest with yourself.

 

Me... I'd want to know a future was on the table.

I'd want to know he was very taken with me and trying to make me feel safe.

[hippychick3]

I think that 2 months is too short of a time to choose you over his career. He may like you a lot but isn't overly attached to you at this point. I wouldn't necessarily end it with him, BUT I would not be exclusive with him. I'd suggest you pull away, put yourself out there, and date others given what he has said to you.

 

My bf was offered a job 200 miles away in a city he's always wanted to live 1 1/2 months after we started dating. I would not have expected him to stay for me so early on. I didn't expect we would continue to date after he left, but we had already grown close enough that he wanted to do long distance. I'm pretty sure if he stayed here and was offered the job a couple years into our relationship, he would not have taken it if I couldn't join him. We are at a different place now 4 years later than we were 2 months in.

 

Don't take it too personally, but also don't invest in this guy at ALL if he isn't willing to invest in you.

Edited November 16, 2017 by hippychick3

[smackie9]

We did talk about it, and I even asked his views on LDR. Honestly, I'm not really interested in LDR and neither was he. He did not mention a future with me in it, because I think he is so intent on leaving and probably not in a place to commit right now.

well then, that's your answer.....time to move on....what are you waiting for?

[normal person]

I think that 2 months is too short of a time to choose you over his career. He may like you a lot but isn't overly attached to you at this point. I wouldn't necessarily end it with him, BUT I would not be exclusive with him. I'd suggest you pull away, put yourself out there, and date others given what he has said to you.

 

Yup. You're not too invested in this guy yet and it'd be unusual for you to be his top priority. A guy needs a job before he can have a girlfriend (realistically). And think about this, would you want to date a guy without a job? Assuming he was trying to get one locally, but just... couldn't? I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who say they'd be fine with that, but I imagine it wears thin after a while.

[Gaeta]

.. he makes me feel special, he's atentive, a good listener, we talk things through, are honest with one another...we go out on fun dates, all the things I look for in a partner.

 

He's not the only man capable of making you feel this way and even more. If you continue this you'll be the big loser. You appear more into him that he's into you. Count your blessing it's only been 2 months. I say move on.

[TheFinalWord]

We did talk about it, and I even asked his views on LDR. Honestly, I'm not really interested in LDR and neither was he. He did not mention a future with me in it, because I think he is so intent on leaving and probably not in a place to commit right now.

 

Yeah, unfortunately, there is not much you can do here. It sounds like in his mind, he never fully vested in you as he knew in the back of his mind he would probably be moving. However, he had nothing to lose so he decided to have his cake and eat it to. I'm not saying he doesn't care, but he never gave you a commitment to you so he feels he can move on without much guilt.

 

In this case it just so happens you are more invested than him and the balance of investment can sometimes make or break a relationship.

 

Are you in love enough to consider moving wherever he goes? Is that something you could bring up? I know if I was in love with a woman and had to move for a job, I would ask her to move with me (not necessarily in with me, but just to relocate as well). As a guy if I wanted it bad enough, I would make it work, even if we both had to live a bit poor for a while because love is not that easy to find!

[wintersl33p]

I don't know what his financial situation is, what his interests and priorities are, or what dependents he has, but I can tell you that as a man I would place a high priority on a woman I felt I had a future with. I don't think it's often we meet compatible partners.

 

Even after just 2 months of dating? I see what you're saying, and I'm the same way. I just realize it takes longer than others to know that's the case.

[wintersl33p]

Those are good questions to ask yourself.

 

Forget about what he wants or what he is thinking.

What do you want?

Get really, really honest with yourself.

 

Me... I'd want to know a future was on the table.

I'd want to know he was very taken with me and trying to make me feel safe.

 

It's weird. When we are together, I get that feeling that he is taken with me. He's very affectionate, always reaches for my hand to hold when we are out and about; even when we are home. He tells me he misses me when we're apart. We gaze into each other's eyes often, and while it's only been 2 months it's been intense. Never had that with anyone before. It definitely did not help my situation and blurs the line for me when we are so intimate in almost every aspect. He even suggested we take a weekend trip soon, a place I dreamed of visiting since a child. We have a day already planned, so it's not even like that's up in the air.

 

I mean, why take the extra effort if he is so certain he doesn't see a future here. I guess if it were me and still wanted companionship, I wouldn't do relationship type things with the other person. We're no spring chicken so it's not like he doesn't realize this is only going to build intimacy.

[wintersl33p]

I think that 2 months is too short of a time to choose you over his career. He may like you a lot but isn't overly attached to you at this point. I wouldn't necessarily end it with him, BUT I would not be exclusive with him. I'd suggest you pull away, put yourself out there, and date others given what he has said to you.

 

My bf was offered a job 200 miles away in a city he's always wanted to live 1 1/2 months after we started dating. I would not have expected him to stay for me so early on. I didn't expect we would continue to date after he left, but we had already grown close enough that he wanted to do long distance. I'm pretty sure if he stayed here and was offered the job a couple years into our relationship, he would not have taken it if I couldn't join him. We are at a different place now 4 years later than we were 2 months in.

 

Don't take it too personally, but also don't invest in this guy at ALL if he isn't willing to invest in you.

 

Maybe I'm the fool here, maybe it won't last. Even against my logical side, I still want to spend time with him. I appreciate all the advice here and realize I'm the one who's more invested and am getting the short end of the stick here. When we first started dating, he was looking at ~200 miles for jobs, and that would be a few hours commute. He even asked me if I was interested in living in those cities. At the time, we hardly knew each other so I wasn't aware he was going to use this information to vet me later on. So, it sounds like it was that way from the start with you and your bf. Even though it was early, did he bring it up? Did you have hesitations at all when the topic did come up?

[wintersl33p]

Yeah, unfortunately, there is not much you can do here. It sounds like in his mind, he never fully vested in you as he knew in the back of his mind he would probably be moving. However, he had nothing to lose so he decided to have his cake and eat it to. I'm not saying he doesn't care, but he never gave you a commitment to you so he feels he can move on without much guilt.

 

In this case it just so happens you are more invested than him and the balance of investment can sometimes make or break a relationship.

 

Are you in love enough to consider moving wherever he goes? Is that something you could bring up? I know if I was in love with a woman and had to move for a job, I would ask her to move with me (not necessarily in with me, but just to relocate as well). As a guy if I wanted it bad enough, I would make it work, even if we both had to live a bit poor for a while because love is not that easy to find!

 

You're right, love isn't easy to find. I think that's why I'm holding onto what we have so hard. When we're together, it's like the the rest of the world doesn't exist. Life has given me something so amazing, and I know its only a matter of time before it takes it away. I want to enjoy it for what it is. It's hard, because we continue to do relationship type things. It's not just Netflix and chill. I've had a relationship like the latter one, and I knew to keep the other person at an arm's length. We never blurred the lines so it wasn't hard to keep myself in my own lane. I cared for that guy too, but I was upfront from the start as well.

 

I have strong feelings for him, and had things continued the way I thought they were, I'm sure it could have turned into something really special. We did speak about LDR, both having done it before. Neither of us are interested if it's across country. When we talked about it last time I saw him, I asked him if he wanted me to leave forever. He said no. When we first started dating, he asked me if I was interested in living in the surrounding cities a few hours away, I guess as a way to vet me. I hardly knew the guy so I didn't think my answer would have affected our future. My feelings changed once I got to know him more.

 

Honestly, it seems like he may just not be in a place to commit right now, because his option to explore is much stronger than his feelings to stay. I have a friend that is in a similar situation as me, and he told me the same thing. He sat down with his gf of a few months and explained his situation, told her he wanted her to think about moving with him when the time came. She had already expressed she wanted to live elsewhere before they got serious.

Edited November 17, 2017 by wintersl33p

[wintersl33p]

Yup. You're not too invested in this guy yet and it'd be unusual for you to be his top priority. A guy needs a job before he can have a girlfriend (realistically). And think about this, would you want to date a guy without a job? Assuming he was trying to get one locally, but just... couldn't? I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who say they'd be fine with that, but I imagine it wears thin after a while.

 

He has a job at the moment. He's just looking for another one with everything that's happened at his company. But no, I wouldn't date a guy from the start that told me he was employed.

[lana-banana]

Two months is pretty early, but anyone who had even the slightest inkling that you might be the one would not offer to break up. I think you're kidding yourself if you believe this guy sees you as long-term potential.

[wintersl33p]

He has a job at the moment. He's just looking for another one with everything that's happened at his company. But no, I wouldn't date a guy from the start that told me he was employed.

 

I mean to say UNEMPLOYED. Couldn't edit.

[wintersl33p]

Two months is pretty early, but anyone who had even the slightest inkling that you might be the one would not offer to break up. I think you're kidding yourself if you believe this guy sees you as long-term potential.

 

 

Hey, thanks for the input. Do I think I'm being silly and a fool for not cutting him out immediately after we spoke about where we were headed? Yes, probably. Do I deserve better? Sure. I'm better at giving advice than taking my own.

 

I don't think I am spending time with him in hopes that he does a 180 and starts putting me ahead of his other priorities. When we spoke, he was pretty clear that we were still pretty new and that he wants to try living elsewhere. I haven't given him an ultimatum. I haven't tried convincing him to stay. I haven't offered up other solutions. I know my place right now. I know there is an end date. I accept he's leaving. The way I see it, it's kind of like a summer romance where we can still enjoy each other's company. I have been heartbroken before, and while it took time to fully heal, I have always picked up myself up and tried my hand at dating and love again. When and if he leaves, I can't physically be with him and the ties will be severed. Sometimes I can't let go until complete closure like that happens.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The guy seems ambitious enough. He was already looking outside of your town when you two first met, so I'm guessing that he was fully prepared to have something short-term before he left. I was in a similar situation once. I told the lady that I was moving within 6 months and thought the relationship was going very well, she was in no position to move and neither of us were interested in a LTR. I ended it for both of us and I didn't date anyone for the next 5-6 months up to the day I moved.

[Redhead14]

Look at it this way . . . would you begin a road trip to Disney World and take a road that you knew would bring you to a cliff 500 miles into the journey?

 

not trying to convince him to stay -- Everything you said before this statement, IMO, is blah, blah, blah. That is what you are hoping for. You need to convince yourself to let him go. By hanging on, you are hoping he will change his mind and, even though you might think you're not clinging to him, you will be and it will come out in ways you don't realize.

 

Two months is too soon to be so wrapped up in a guy anyway. Sticking this out will only be filled with anxiety and questioning all the way up to the day he leaves.

 

At one point he asked if it were easier for me to cut ties now -- He is telling you you should end it. He won't do it. He's letting you string yourself along.

 

If he's any kind of a man and he realizes how attached you are to him, he will take the decision away from you and end this himself now. If he doesn't, you shouldn't allow yourself to be strung along.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Redhead14