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Should I feel guilty about not paying?


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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. We've gone on a handful of dates and he has payed for just about everything. I bought us popcorn and drinks at the movies once. Otherwise, he has paid for all of our dates. I offered to split the first time but he said he wanted to pay. Since then, I haven't offered (other than the popcorn).

He has never complained about paying. In fact, he often brings up places he wants to take me and things he wants to treat me to. I really appreciate a man who pays--it makes me feel taken care of. Part of me wants it to continue. However, for some reason, I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I really like him and I fear he'll grow resentful for paying. Am I paranoid considering he's never brought it up? Should I offer to pay in the future?

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Gender stereotypes aside, if you're both fine with it, let it be. Seems like things are moving right along, so don't rock the boat.

 

Now if things get serious in due time and you consider life-changing decisions like moving in together and such, then it's time to talk about budgeting, splitting expenses, etc.

 

But for now, don't worry about it if he's not complaining.

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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. We've gone on a handful of dates and he has payed for just about everything. I bought us popcorn and drinks at the movies once. Otherwise, he has paid for all of our dates. I offered to split the first time but he said he wanted to pay. Since then, I haven't offered (other than the popcorn).

He has never complained about paying. In fact, he often brings up places he wants to take me and things he wants to treat me to. I really appreciate a man who pays--it makes me feel taken care of. Part of me wants it to continue. However, for some reason, I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I really like him and I fear he'll grow resentful for paying. Am I paranoid considering he's never brought it up? Should I offer to pay in the future?

 

Um... having been in these situations before there are multiple ways to handle it.

 

You should make him feel special. You should not act like you take this for granted, such as ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, or not asking what his budget looks like. You also could perhaps get him small gifts, pay for a date every once and a while, or cook him a nice dinner at either you place or his.

 

You can use one or all of those ideas and potentially many others. Doing something is better than doing nothing. This is my advice.

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You can always plan a date with him in which you could treat. I also think the cooking dinner idea is nice aswell. Although he is not complaining about paying, I think it would be nice for you to do some special for him once in a while.

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I never expected, asked or wanted a woman to pay when out with me. Even if all of my wife's friends were visiting, I paid for their meals. That is the way I was raised. Not only good manners but also lets the woman know what kind of man you are and sometimes your ability to support a family.

 

Unless the guy hints at wanting you to pay, don't feel guilty about it. You shouldn't be dating guys who you think cannot afford to buy you a big Mac anyway. I was working when I went to high school, had 3 jobs when I was in college and bought the first of 9 houses when I was still 20 getting ready to turn 21. My wife accepted my proposal of marriage 3 weeks after we met. She saw what kind of man I was and 45 years later still counts herself lucky as I do.

 

Men value those things that are most difficult to get. They will value a car they spend $30K on much more than a $2,000 one. If you behave as if you are worth it, you will be treated that way.

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Yeah, you really should. It's only fair. Try planning something special that he likes to do, and pay for that date. He will probably really appreciate it.

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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. We've gone on a handful of dates and he has payed for just about everything. I bought us popcorn and drinks at the movies once. Otherwise, he has paid for all of our dates. I offered to split the first time but he said he wanted to pay. Since then, I haven't offered (other than the popcorn).

He has never complained about paying. In fact, he often brings up places he wants to take me and things he wants to treat me to. I really appreciate a man who pays--it makes me feel taken care of. Part of me wants it to continue. However, for some reason, I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I really like him and I fear he'll grow resentful for paying. Am I paranoid considering he's never brought it up? Should I offer to pay in the future?

 

 

Funny, I saw a post by one dude not too long ago complaining about a girl he's dating that she stopped offering to pay. He hasn't said anything to her but came on here for advice and opinion instead.

 

When I'm dating someone new, I usually let them pay in the first or couple of dates. But in my head I always consider it as they're putting on their best behavior and really trying to have good impression.

 

If I continue to date the same guy, no matter if he tells me he got it, I never stop offering to pay on the next date. I never assume that when he says "he got it" it means for as long as we are dating. I always take it as a momentary offer. Meaning ONLY for that date.

 

I had one exception. The guy I briefly dated straight up told me I never have to pay and it came to a point that I felt like he was getting offended every time I offer. That was the only time I stopped offering.

 

Also after our date I always make it a point that I thank the guy for treating me. I make sure he knows that his nice gesture was appreciated.

 

Like my current boyfriend, he's very quick at pulling out his wallet when it comes to paying. In the beginning even when I try to be sneaky and pay, hes way taller than i am so his hand would reach the cashier before me so he'd still end up paying.

 

But after few more dates he started letting me pay. Like if he paid for our dinner tonight, tomorrow I will offer to pay and he'd let me.

 

My advice for you is, if you are starting to feel guilty then you know something is not right. Having your date pay for everything is NOT the only way to make you feel taken care of. Plus keep in mind he might want to feel that way as well.

 

My suggest to all the ladies (maybe some won't agree) is keep offering and let him show or tell you what he wants. It shows you care too and considerate. What year are we on now? Come on, women cry for equality all the time and this should be one of them. Equal right to be treated to a nice date, lol.

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I never expected, asked or wanted a woman to pay when out with me. Even if all of my wife's friends were visiting, I paid for their meals. That is the way I was raised. Not only good manners but also lets the woman know what kind of man you are and sometimes your ability to support a family.

 

Unless the guy hints at wanting you to pay, don't feel guilty about it. You shouldn't be dating guys who you think cannot afford to buy you a big Mac anyway. I was working when I went to high school, had 3 jobs when I was in college and bought the first of 9 houses when I was still 20 getting ready to turn 21. My wife accepted my proposal of marriage 3 weeks after we met. She saw what kind of man I was and 45 years later still counts herself lucky as I do.

 

Men value those things that are most difficult to get. They will value a car they spend $30K on much more than a $2,000 one. If you behave as if you are worth it, you will be treated that way.

 

Thanks for your input! That's exactly why I asked because I know some guys actually prefer to pay. And I'm looking for a guy who enjoys taking care of me because i like taking care of people too. I'm worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting everything.

 

So far he seems happy to pay but I may offer again in the future just in case.

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What makes him feel cared for and appreciated? Not men, him? I'd start there.

 

 

That's a good question. I'll ask him that next time we go out.

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Thanks for your input! That's exactly why I asked because I know some guys actually prefer to pay. And I'm looking for a guy who enjoys taking care of me because i like taking care of people too. I'm worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting everything.

 

So far he seems happy to pay but I may offer again in the future just in case.

 

So what would be your ideal situation? You don't want to split everything but you don't want him to always pay? Just be clear you'd like to pay every now and then.

 

Or am I reading it the wrong way, and you mean the actual splitting of the bill is a hassle. In that case just alternate. Don't keep track of who paid for what exactly (massive potential for arguments), just say if one person has paid a lot then it's the other's turn.

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That's a good question. I'll ask him that next time we go out.

 

Sure, ask. Also observe how he responds to the nice things you do for him. Some will go over better than others, and his visceral responses should be more revealing than self-reporting.

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There's a retarded attitude floating around now that women should pay half the time, which is probably ingrained on you and making you feel guilty. But it's antithetical to how good relationships work. The man should be taking care of the woman. So stop feeling bad and don't offer to pay. Just keep being appreciative when he does.

 

The only time I'll let my fiance pay when we go out is once a year on my birthday, and even that takes serious effort to not reach for my wallet.

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There's a retarded attitude floating around now that women should pay half the time, But it's antithetical to how good relationships work. The man should be taking care of the woman.

 

Yeah, you and I would not be dating... Because I find that kind of attitude is archaic and disrespectful. Good relationships are a partnership. I don't need a man to "take care of me" - although, I certainly appreciate loving gestures, kindness, and generosity...

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I'm looking for a guy who enjoys taking care of me. I'm worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting everything.

 

Perhaps he is worried about setting a pattern where he is financially responsible for everything. You have every right to expect this, and he has every right to decide if he's willing to put you on the books. ;)

 

I would say, if you are feeling guilty about this... That tells you something. Do something nice for the guy or plan a special date for him, it's the considerate thing to do.

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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. We've gone on a handful of dates and he has payed for just about everything. I bought us popcorn and drinks at the movies once. Otherwise, he has paid for all of our dates. I offered to split the first time but he said he wanted to pay. Since then, I haven't offered (other than the popcorn).

 

I think after two months of dating you should at minimum offer to pay (not split) occasionally. I don't really think offering to split the bill on the first date counts, so other than the popcorn, you've never even offered to treat him in two months of dating. If he says no, then no big deal, but do offer again here and there.

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Lostintranslationslc

This may sound sexist or bad but it’s the truth so here goes: If you’re a woman in your 20s NEVER and I mean NEVER feel guilty for not paying. The end.

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I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. We've gone on a handful of dates and he has payed for just about everything. I bought us popcorn and drinks at the movies once. Otherwise, he has paid for all of our dates. I offered to split the first time but he said he wanted to pay. Since then, I haven't offered (other than the popcorn).

He has never complained about paying. In fact, he often brings up places he wants to take me and things he wants to treat me to. I really appreciate a man who pays--it makes me feel taken care of. Part of me wants it to continue. However, for some reason, I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I really like him and I fear he'll grow resentful for paying. Am I paranoid considering he's never brought it up? Should I offer to pay in the future?

 

You should ask him out and pay for it and not let him pay for it if he offers.

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OP, you don't have to pay, necessarily, but you have to do something.

 

Your bf brings himself and his wallet to your relationship. What do you bring other than yourself?

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Thanks to everyone who responded.

 

I guess my ideal situation would be that he pay the majority of the time and I pay only once in a while. Call me traditional, but that's ideal for me.

 

To be clear, I always thank him for taking me out so he knows I appreciate it. I'm going to think of ways that I can do something nice for him in return.

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I get that it's really attractive to have a man that pays for things.

However, since you've never really tried to get the whole bill, you actually have no idea if he is okay with paying for everything.

 

I think you should be offering to pay all the time until you establish where his comfort level lies.

He might insist on paying most or all times, but you won't know how much he actually wants to pay until you try, not just here and there.

 

I'd say even if he insists otherwise, you should definitely treat him from time to time.

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100% agree.

 

I used to pay for most dates with my ex-bf and if he offered to split I'd reject (I find splitting super petty, I never split even with friends).

 

He thought I enjoy it?!?! Or maybe he was just enjoying the situation. But I slowly started building bitter resentment towards him. In the end I'd call him 'my little boy' not in a nice way. I felt like his momma not partner.

 

You don't know what's going on in your bf mind. He could be going through similar thoughts like I was.

 

--If you make much less than him, obviously situation is different, he may pay for you out of pity then, but would you like this dynamics? I'd feel demoralized if that's the case.

 

I get that it's really attractive to have a man that pays for things.

However, since you've never really tried to get the whole bill, you actually have no idea if he is okay with paying for everything.

 

I think you should be offering to pay all the time until you establish where his comfort level lies.

He might insist on paying most or all times, but you won't know how much he actually wants to pay until you try, not just here and there.

 

I'd say even if he insists otherwise, you should definitely treat him from time to time.

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If you're a man you should always feel guilty about not paying. It's excellent training for marital guilt, of which you'll need plenty ;)

 

If a woman, nah, that's a man's job, to protect, serve and pay. Enjoy!

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