Are these RED flags??

[karly85]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently met a man online, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We are NOT exclusive yet but always in regular contact and have been talking about exclusivity now.

 

A few things have happened which could be RED flags, however I also do not know if I am over cautious and over thinking...

 

1. If I am out and about (busy or low battery phone) he sulks at me and makes comments in jest saying, 'have fun on your date'. When I say this is offensive as I am doing no such thing, he laughs it off and says he was 'joking'.

 

2. He asked me if I had any pics he could show his friends and family so I sent him a selection of pics. He then asked when and where I had taken them, (many from my last holiday). He asked who I was on holiday with, I told him it was with my previous partner/family. ALL THE PICS WERE OF JUST ME ALONE. He immediately got angry and started saying this was disgusting and disrespectful to him. And how could I send him pics of my holiday with an ex (bearing in mind my ex was NOT in any pics).

 

4. I told him that this upset me, and he told me I had no right to be upset and that I had upset him

 

5. I was tired one evening and wanted to go to sleep, so text him to say goodnight. This was at 9.30pm. He text me back saying I was lying and ignoring him. And that there was something wrong with me as I like to sleep early. And what type of person likes to go to sleep so early.

 

In general we get on, but I do feel like im walking on eggshells. I have told him that I have concerns and some of his behavior worries me. I constantly feel anxious, depressed and worried. He told me that I am the cause of all the problems and I am picking faults with him.

 

I would rather walk away now than later on when I have invested more time and emotions with him. Or am I being oversensitive as he says.

Edited November 15, 2017 by karly85
spelling

[BaileyB]

I won't date someone who is inconsiderate of my feelings and accuses me of lying and ignoring him. He is demanding and manipulative. Nope. I wouldn't do it.

 

Feeling anxious and stressed around the person you are dating is not a good thing. You shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshells for fear that you will upset your partner. Do you really want to live like this forever... Because this, will not get better. It can only get worse.

[CptInsano]

Unless controlling, jealous and insecure men are your type, I would consider it more than just a red flag, more like a like a well-lit exit sign.

[karly85]

I won't date someone who is inconsiderate of my feelings and accuses me of lying and ignoring him. He is demanding and manipulative. Nope. I wouldn't do it.

 

Feeling anxious and stressed around the person you are dating is not a good thing. You shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshells for fear that you will upset your partner. Do you really want to live like this forever... Because this, will not get better. It can only get worse.

 

Thank you for the reply.... I never thought as this being manipulation but now I can see it.

[BaileyB]

Thank you for the reply.... I never thought as this being manipulation but now I can see it.

 

How else can you describe someone who tells you that you have no right to be upset about something? His opinion isn't the right opinion and it certainly isn't the only opinion that matters. For him to try and pressure you into doing what he wants and tell you that your feelings don't matter is control and manipulation at its best.

[smackie9]

Obviously he has certain expectations...needy and controlling as he is, he's not the man for you.

[lovephule]

 

In general we get on, but I do feel like im walking on eggshells. I have told him that I have concerns and some of his behavior worries me. I constantly feel anxious, depressed and worried. He told me that I am the cause of all the problems and I am picking faults with him.

 

I would rather walk away now than later on when I have invested more time and emotions with him. Or am I being oversensitive as he says.

If you feel anxious, depressed, and worried this clearly isn't the right situation for you. Doesn't matter what he thinks. Are you at all concerned for your safety in the event of breaking things off?

[kassy]

Agree with the others run for the hills asap! Break up with him and if guys make you feel like that in the future or are jealous, insecure and controlling then don't continue to date them!

[karly85]

If you feel anxious, depressed, and worried this clearly isn't the right situation for you. Doesn't matter what he thinks. Are you at all concerned for your safety in the event of breaking things off?

 

Hi, Im not concerned for my safety as such, as I am in the process of moving to a new house and job and he doesnt know the new details etc.

 

I think I am suffering from something as I cant seem to remember appointments or recent conversations with people as I am constantly feeling anxiety all the time about him.

[karly85]

How else can you describe someone who tells you that you have no right to be upset about something? His opinion isn't the right opinion and it certainly isn't the only opinion that matters. For him to try and pressure you into doing what he wants and tell you that your feelings don't matter is control and manipulation at its best.

 

Yes, this makes sense. When he would say or do something, and I would tell him that it upset me or I found it inappropriate, he would jump down my throat and tell me I was crazy and picking faults with the person he is.

[karly85]

Agree with the others run for the hills asap! Break up with him and if guys make you feel like that in the future or are jealous, insecure and controlling then don't continue to date them!

 

Thank you for the advice. I think I struggled because a part of me believed that I was creating the drama, for instance, going to sleep 'early' was upsetting him so if I didn't do that then he would not have a reason to be upset.

[BaileyB]

I think I am suffering from something as I cant seem to remember appointments or recent conversations with people as I am constantly feeling anxiety all the time about him.

 

This is concerning. The anxiety may be a manifestation of your mind screaming at you to get out of this stressful relationship. I would suggest that you find a counsellor, or go to a women's clinic, to learn more about controlling partners and abusive relationships.

 

If, you decide to leave him and you continue to have these symptoms... Then, you really should talk to your doctor or a counsellor.

[BaileyB]

Thank you for the advice. I think I struggled because a part of me believed that I was creating the drama, for instance, going to sleep 'early' was upsetting him so if I didn't do that then he would not have a reason to be upset.

 

This is a typical response in the cycle of abuse... You know that going to bed early will upset him, so you change your behavior hoping that you won't give him a reason to become upset. The anxiety and the feeling that you are "walking on eggshells" comes from the fact that you never really know what will upset him... the triggers may be unpredictable and you just never know how he will respond.

 

Add to this, a partner who tells you that you are wrong to do something, or you don't have the right to your own thoughts/feelings... And you have an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

You are not creating drama. In a healthy relationship, these kinds of things would not be upsetting to a reasonable man. And an emotionally healthy man would not make you feel anxious or depressed when you are with them. In a healthy relationship, there is a feeling of peace... A knowledge that you are loved, and supported, and that your feelings matter and are considered by the other person.

 

Darling girl, you need to educate yourself more about emotionally abusive relationships. Best wishes.

[1fish2fish]

Anytime someone tells me what to feel, it's a dealbreaker.

[dumbass2]

You have communicated your feelings with him. It's not like he's not aware. You've given him a chance to look at his actions and he's put everything on you when you are not at fault. Yes, these are deal breaker red flags and based on just what you have told us, there cannot be enough good to make up for his personality. You should seriously consider ending it now because this is who he is and you can't force him to change. He can't see that he's done anything wrong.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently met a man online, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We are NOT exclusive yet but always in regular contact and have been talking about exclusivity now.

 

A few things have happened which could be RED flags, however I also do not know if I am over cautious and over thinking...

 

1. If I am out and about (busy or low battery phone) he sulks at me and makes comments in jest saying, 'have fun on your date'. When I say this is offensive as I am doing no such thing, he laughs it off and says he was 'joking'.

 

2. He asked me if I had any pics he could show his friends and family so I sent him a selection of pics. He then asked when and where I had taken them, (many from my last holiday). He asked who I was on holiday with, I told him it was with my previous partner/family. ALL THE PICS WERE OF JUST ME ALONE. He immediately got angry and started saying this was disgusting and disrespectful to him. And how could I send him pics of my holiday with an ex (bearing in mind my ex was NOT in any pics).

 

4. I told him that this upset me, and he told me I had no right to be upset and that I had upset him

 

5. I was tired one evening and wanted to go to sleep, so text him to say goodnight. This was at 9.30pm. He text me back saying I was lying and ignoring him. And that there was something wrong with me as I like to sleep early. And what type of person likes to go to sleep so early.

 

In general we get on, but I do feel like im walking on eggshells. I have told him that I have concerns and some of his behavior worries me. I constantly feel anxious, depressed and worried. He told me that I am the cause of all the problems and I am picking faults with him.

 

I would rather walk away now than later on when I have invested more time and emotions with him. Or am I being oversensitive as he says.

 

I try to respond to threads here without reading what others have already wrote so I can be unbiased, so I don't know what kind of advice you've received so far.

 

It sounds like you see these as red flags and are looking for confirmation from us. I can't really tell you what to do about your situation, but I am curious about what else is going on in the relationship, with him, and with you.

 

Just some questions for you to think about...

 

- What is your impression of his relationship history? Has he experienced betrayal and abandonment in the past?

 

- What is your own relationship history? Have you been unfaithful in the past or betrayed/abandoned lovers?

 

- What is the dynamic of your relationship together? Looking at things objectively, who tends to be the pursuer/chaser? Is one of you more aloof than the other? Does one of you want more space than the other?

 

If you look at the situation purely from your personal perspective, it feels a lot more personal than it is. Looking at it from his perspective, you feel not given the benefit of doubt. Looking at it from an objective perspective - the one that looks at your relationship as it's created by two unique individuals with different pasts - what does it really say?

 

Again, all food for thought. As always, talking things through together is key. When we don't talk things through, and instead come to decisions on our own and/or based on what responses we get on an anonymous message board from strangers... well, things get messy.

 

Hope that helps. Good luck.

[GunslingerRoland]

Tell him his insecurities are ridiculous and on the verge of pushing you right out the door. Because they should be...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for the advice. I think I struggled because a part of me believed that I was creating the drama, for instance, going to sleep 'early' was upsetting him so if I didn't do that then he would not have a reason to be upset.

 

You're allowed to go to bed whenever the hell you want to. If it upsets him, that is his problem, not yours.

 

I've dated someone like this man, and it doesn't get better. It comes from a place of extreme insecurity. Being accused of doing things you haven't done is MADDENING! Nobody should put up with that.

[GemmaUK]

You would be better off getting away from this guy.

 

This is controlling, manipulative behaviour that is already emotionally abusive.

 

I dated someone for 7 months who was like this - I had no idea what he was on about - assumed he was kidding - he wasn't - not at all.

 

Get rid and read up on signs to look for before you date anyone else.

Check my profile and stats - threads - there is one about books - it'll give you a good run down of good or not so good reads to learn about this guy's type of behaviour.

[Cookiesandough]

Yikes. The Chinese flag if it didn't have stars. The guy's craaaazy

[mortensorchid]

He sounds unreasonable to me. He's making things up about you that are not true. I'd cut your losses and move on.

[Versacehottie]

Unless controlling, jealous and insecure men are your type, I would consider it more than just a red flag, more like a like a well-lit exit sign.

 

Possessive.

Yep.

Exit right, seriously. Good luck

[LovelyRose]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently met a man online, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We are NOT exclusive yet but always in regular contact and have been talking about exclusivity now.

 

A few things have happened which could be RED flags, however I also do not know if I am over cautious and over thinking...

 

1. If I am out and about (busy or low battery phone) he sulks at me and makes comments in jest saying, 'have fun on your date'. When I say this is offensive as I am doing no such thing, he laughs it off and says he was 'joking'.

 

2. He asked me if I had any pics he could show his friends and family so I sent him a selection of pics. He then asked when and where I had taken them, (many from my last holiday). He asked who I was on holiday with, I told him it was with my previous partner/family. ALL THE PICS WERE OF JUST ME ALONE. He immediately got angry and started saying this was disgusting and disrespectful to him. And how could I send him pics of my holiday with an ex (bearing in mind my ex was NOT in any pics).

 

4. I told him that this upset me, and he told me I had no right to be upset and that I had upset him

 

5. I was tired one evening and wanted to go to sleep, so text him to say goodnight. This was at 9.30pm. He text me back saying I was lying and ignoring him. And that there was something wrong with me as I like to sleep early. And what type of person likes to go to sleep so early.

 

In general we get on, but I do feel like im walking on eggshells. I have told him that I have concerns and some of his behavior worries me. I constantly feel anxious, depressed and worried. He told me that I am the cause of all the problems and I am picking faults with him.

 

I would rather walk away now than later on when I have invested more time and emotions with him. Or am I being oversensitive as he says.

 

 

 

RUN!!!! As fast as you can dear. Not even exclusive and only 3 months in and he's already like this?

 

If you're stressed, depressed and having anxieties you need help or maybe some time alone for yourself and figure out what's causing all these.

 

A big gigantic NO! You are not being overly sensitive about this situation. He's showing signs of being manipulative and possessive behavior.

 

Run now while it's not too late.

[caveman621]

Don't walk away. RUN!!!!!!!!!!

[j2415p44]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently met a man online, and we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We are NOT exclusive yet but always in regular contact and have been talking about exclusivity now.

 

A few things have happened which could be RED flags, however I also do not know if I am over cautious and over thinking...

 

1. If I am out and about (busy or low battery phone) he sulks at me and makes comments in jest saying, 'have fun on your date'. When I say this is offensive as I am doing no such thing, he laughs it off and says he was 'joking'.

 

2. He asked me if I had any pics he could show his friends and family so I sent him a selection of pics. He then asked when and where I had taken them, (many from my last holiday). He asked who I was on holiday with, I told him it was with my previous partner/family. ALL THE PICS WERE OF JUST ME ALONE. He immediately got angry and started saying this was disgusting and disrespectful to him. And how could I send him pics of my holiday with an ex (bearing in mind my ex was NOT in any pics).

 

4. I told him that this upset me, and he told me I had no right to be upset and that I had upset him

 

5. I was tired one evening and wanted to go to sleep, so text him to say goodnight. This was at 9.30pm. He text me back saying I was lying and ignoring him. And that there was something wrong with me as I like to sleep early. And what type of person likes to go to sleep so early.

 

In general we get on, but I do feel like im walking on eggshells. I have told him that I have concerns and some of his behavior worries me. I constantly feel anxious, depressed and worried. He told me that I am the cause of all the problems and I am picking faults with him.

 

I would rather walk away now than later on when I have invested more time and emotions with him. Or am I being oversensitive as he says.

 

Hi- I can see that you are not comfortable with him, he might not get better and it will just hurt you later on. I want to encourage you to talk to him and tell your feelings. It’s difficult to be with someone that is not respecting your feelings. Healthy relationship needs respect.

Thank you for sharing and I hope things will get better. God bless.