Lorenza Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Is it always a bad idea to date and put yourself out there if your life isn't settled? I'm going through major changes - looking for a job in a new field, studying. My economical situation is in complete turmoil right now and I'm quite stressed about my situation. Does it mean I need to put my dating life on hold? I don't feel as closed off to new opportunities as I did before, but I fear that men might look down on me for not having my sh** together yet. Which I'd understand. Should I stay on my own until I fix my life? Might take a while... Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 IMO - yes, hold off with dating. You have too much on your plate from what you describe to add up another major stressing factor. Also - holding off with dating may motivate you to sort out your professional life faster if you put dating as a 'reward' for yourself after you sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I don't think you should. If you are in a place where you can get things together and date, do it. As long as you are in the process of getting it together and you have goals, a plan, direction, most men don't care. I don't think men care as much about being established as women as long as you aren't in debt or going to be pulling them down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 IMO - yes, hold off with dating. You have too much on your plate from what you describe to add up another major stressing factor. Also - holding off with dating may motivate you to sort out your professional life faster if you put dating as a 'reward' for yourself after you sort things out. I'd also like to fix my personal life as well and I'm afraid to lose more years on being single. But not having a stable job and incomes doesn't exactly make me a desirable partner either Not even sure what to prioritize 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 You've highlighted what I think is a problem in the world of dating these days - the expectation that everybody be perfect and have all their ducks in a row in order to be "deserving" of somebody else. I think it's rotten to the core. Not only is everybody always evolving and changing, the beauty of a relationship is having somebody loving and supportive along for the journey through both the highs and the lows. I'm just an old-fashioned guy, though, so what do I know? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 I don't think you should. If you are in a place where you can get things together and date, do it. As long as you are in the process of getting it together and you have goals, a plan, direction, most men don't care. I don't think men care as much about being established as women as long as you aren't in debt or going to be pulling them down. Do you think they will not mind me not being to go on fancy restaurant dates etc? I don't know... Don't really want someone to pay for me all the time either Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Don't think of it like losing years but like setting priorities. Also - the more stable/established and less stressed you are - the higher is the chance to get a desirable partner. [People sniff easily when the other person have issues of some sort and some use it in a variety of unethical ways ] I'd also like to fix my personal life as well and I'm afraid to lose more years on being single. But not having a stable job and incomes doesn't exactly make me a desirable partner either Not even sure what to prioritize Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 You've highlighted what I think is a problem in the world of dating these days - the expectation that everybody be perfect and have all their ducks in a row in order to be "deserving" of somebody else. I think it's rotten to the core. Not only is everybody always evolving and changing, the beauty of a relationship is having somebody loving and supportive along for the journey through both the highs and the lows. I'm just an old-fashioned guy, though, so what do I know? I know I wouldn't mind dating someone in this state of ongoing change, but in Scandinavia everyone is so carrier-minded and expects you to have your life in check. That is someone commonly mentioned on dating profiles: "I'd like to find someone who's done studying and has been working for a few years now". It's like they're looking for an employee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 You will not be successful in connecting with someone if you have so much going on in your personal life. Cookiesanddough is right, most men don't care because most are just thinking about getting regular sex and don't really care too much in early stages about personal stuff. If you want to date just to get out of the house, then go for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Is it always a bad idea to date and put yourself out there if your life isn't settled? I'm going through major changes - looking for a job in a new field, studying. My economical situation is in complete turmoil right now and I'm quite stressed about my situation. Does it mean I need to put my dating life on hold? I don't feel as closed off to new opportunities as I did before, but I fear that men might look down on me for not having my sh** together yet. Which I'd understand. Should I stay on my own until I fix my life? Might take a while... Yes, by golly, yes. Please have your poopa-doopa together before heading out there again. I, for one, would not even consider dating someone who has the potential of becoming a liability b/c of their job situation, finances, etc. I am certain I am not alone in this. I really believe that people should be in a healthy, stable place in their lives so that others are not burdened. It simply seems unfair to have to deal with a partner's bologna when one is trying to present oneself in the hopes of complementing or accentuating a relationship, not to add additional complications. When people don't have their crap together, they tend to bring their negative energy into the relationship and not putting the needed effort to establish and sustain a fledgling relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Forget about people who are looking for perfection; it is unrealistic, it is not sustainable and it is inauthentic. It came as a huge surprise to me that life gets harder, not easier. As you add children, age and life in general, the problems of life tend to get more significant for many. A bit of career and financial instability for a short period while you're working towards something else, is literally nothing. I would not bother with anyone who thought it was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) I know I wouldn't mind dating someone in this state of ongoing change, but in Scandinavia everyone is so carrier-minded and expects you to have your life in check. That is someone commonly mentioned on dating profiles: "I'd like to find someone who's done studying and has been working for a few years now". It's like they're looking for an employee. Ummm wow. They say that on the profiles there?! That's so tacky! Wouldn't go near them. I think I wasted a huge portion of dating years with my head in the books getting my degree. Afterwards I went to cosmo school because that was my passion. I have hairdresser friends and professional friends and one thing I've noticed: The hairdresser friend with her hair and style on fleek who is bubbly and outgoing has way more luck with men than my cousin who is a doctor. She has always had a bfs and now she's engaged to a pretty successful guy. My cousin who just got out school/fellowship and just into dating, I think it's been challenging for her... but she's quiet and not so flashy. She was dating this guy for awhile and everyone thought she was too out of his league lol. Now she's single and has been for a bit. Anyway, my point is that it's not always about what you do but how you make them feel. I'd also date a guy in a 'transition' stage... as long as I knew he was working hard toward his goals, that'd be sweet Edited November 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I couldn't edit. My cousin is a GP and was a work/study constantly sort of person like me. Now maybe my professional friends just have higher standards or they are just too formulatic and not laid back enough. Maybe they are too stressed. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not noticing any correlation between a woman's professional success and her success in dating 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I'd also like to fix my personal life as well and I'm afraid to lose more years on being single. But not having a stable job and incomes doesn't exactly make me a desirable partner either Not even sure what to prioritize If you were someone who can never maintain a steady job or income, then yes, those could be undesirable factors. If I met you and you were making life changes to better yourself and settle into a career that is more fulfilling to you, that will provide you with a stable future, your current situation wouldn't bother me a bit. BUT I think you should prioritize you and your life. Sort that out and get yourself in a happy place before you start looking for a partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) If that is true then how come the seemingly happiest couples I know are the sahm and the working husband aka nuclear set up? Usually they have a few kids and she's doing some side gig sometimes but otherwise her job taking care of kids. Which is a full time job. He's the main breadwinner. If he makes enough money to support them it's more cost effective to have her stay home than to send them to day care, not to mention better for kids imo Edited November 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Yes, by golly, yes. Please have your poopa-doopa together before heading out there again. I, for one, would not even consider dating someone who has the potential of becoming a liability b/c of their job situation, finances, etc. I am certain I am not alone in this. I really believe that people should be in a healthy, stable place in their lives so that others are not burdened. It simply seems unfair to have to deal with a partner's bologna when one is trying to present oneself in the hopes of complementing or accentuating a relationship, not to add additional complications. When people don't have their crap together, they tend to bring their negative energy into the relationship and not putting the needed effort to establish and sustain a fledgling relationship. I don't understand this post. Why would a woman who is maybe on the financially challenged end of the scale have "the potential of becoming a liability?" It seems like you're taking on way too much responsibility with a statement like that. As somebody who is debt free, and I do mean ZERO debt, not even rent or mortgage, I prefer somebody who is similar. However, that doesn't mean I would rule out a woman who has some debt or has been struggling. It also doesn't mean I'm going to pay her bills, and she would be a fool to think I would. If she was a sinking ship, I would help her figure out a path to sustainability, which could even include bankruptcy if it were the best course of action, but I don't see her as a burden to my finances, they are separate issues entirely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 If that is true then how come the seemingly happiest couples I know are the sahm and the working husband aka nuclear set up? Usually they have a few kids and she's doing some side gig sometimes but otherwise her job taking care of kids. Which is a full time job. He's the main breadwinner. If he makes enough money to support them it's more cost effective to have her stay home than to send them to day care, not to mention better for kids imo The dual income model is a failure, in my opinion. There's even a book "The Two Income Trap" by Elizabeth Warren I've been meaning to read, but I spend too much time reading online and have gotten away from books. Life has essentially gotten so expensive that it takes two incomes now, whereas a single income used to cut it in the "olden days." That's not to say there aren't ways around it, I for one have found a way to live cheaply where most of my income is disposable, so I just choose to work less and do what I like vs slave for the machine, but I digress. My point here is that I think as we move forward more people, women specifically, will find the stay-at-home-mom model is much more appealing than the daycare, dual income, high stress full time job thing. I may be wrong, but I think there are a lot of unhappy people out there these days, and too many kids being raised by strangers rather than their parents. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) My point here is that I think as we move forward more people, women specifically, will find the stay-at-home-mom model is much more appealing than the daycare, dual income, high stress full time job thing. I may be wrong, but I think there are a lot of unhappy people out there these days, and too many kids being raised by strangers rather than their parents.[ So true. I was thinking back to my grandparent's day. It was so different. They were in their 80s, 6 kids, married for like 60 years and you could still see the love in their eyes for each other. They loved and respected each other for different reasons. They were a team who had different roles with equal strength. I'm not having children, but I completely agree about too many kids spending too much time being raised by strangers. There is no substitute for being raised by your parent!!! I'm so glad my mom didn't send me to daycare. back on topic. Sorry Lorenza. I think you should date as long as you are not too stressed out not to. Anyone who judges you for not being where you want to be but working hard towards getting there isn't someone you should want to date anyway Edited November 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 The dual income model is a failure, in my opinion. There's even a book "The Two Income Trap" by Elizabeth Warren I've been meaning to read, but I spend too much time reading online and have gotten away from books. Life has essentially gotten so expensive that it takes two incomes now, whereas a single income used to cut it in the "olden days." That's not to say there aren't ways around it, I for one have found a way to live cheaply where most of my income is disposable, so I just choose to work less and do what I like vs slave for the machine, but I digress. My point here is that I think as we move forward more people, women specifically, will find the stay-at-home-mom model is much more appealing than the daycare, dual income, high stress full time job thing. I may be wrong, but I think there are a lot of unhappy people out there these days, and too many kids being raised by strangers rather than their parents. Single income households are unrealistic for people who want a family unless maybe the sole earner is pulling down close to six figures and they live in flyover country. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Do you think they will not mind me not being to go on fancy restaurant dates etc? I don't know... Don't really want someone to pay for me all the time either I would much rather date a girl with no money who doesn't feel comfortable with me paying for everything, than go to fancy restaurants with someone who feels self-entitled. A date at home cooking a meal together, or a cheap local restaurant followed by a nice walk can be just as romantic as an expensive night out. The important thing in my opinion is your attitude, not your current life situation. Someone who doesn't have a stable job/education because they are direction-less or lazy is not at all the same as someone who knows what they want to achieve and is simply on the path to getting there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) Single income households are unrealistic for people who want a family unless maybe the sole earner is pulling down close to six figures and they live in flyover country. That's true. Most of the people in the single earner models have the earner making close to 6 figs at least these days. Maybe a little less if only have 1 child. That may be why they are happier than those where both (must) work because they have a large family to take care of. Thanks for answering my q Edited November 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I don't think you should avoid dating unless your job search is so stressful you feel you can't focus on anything else, or if you are struggling to make ends meet. If you have enough to see people for the occasional dinner and coffee then go for it. Life doesn't respect your ideal timing. The right person will want to stick by you regardless. (Also, this talk about living off of a single six-figure salary...sure, maybe in Alabama, in 1985.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Single income households are unrealistic for people who want a family unless maybe the sole earner is pulling down close to six figures and they live in flyover country. It's about priorities. Most people want the latest iPhone with data plan, new car, nice house, excessive clothing, dining out, expensive hobbies, etc. The reality is, most of it's not needed at all. I know a guy who bought a $500 car and has been driving it for 10 years. He's not impressing people, but he doesn't give a f*** because he's married and has a small child. Most people in this country are financially illiterate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 It's funny how some people think that wanting someone who has their crap together is somehow asking for perfection. Nonsense. There are certain expectations that can and should be met before selecting a partner and everyone has their own wish-list. Don't be unemployed. Check...and reasonable. Don't have exes that are violent/abusive/obstructive around. Check...and reasonable. Don't be in absurd debt b/c you cannot live within your means. Check...and reasonable. Don't live an unhealthy lifestyle. Check...and reasonable. Why should I have to accept your crap?! I shouldn't and won't. I don't bring crap into a relationship, so I am entitled to expect the same. It's not asking for perfection, it's asking for someone who has been and is responsible and compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amazonrambo Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I'd also like to fix my personal life as well and I'm afraid to lose more years on being single. But not having a stable job and incomes doesn't exactly make me a desirable partner either Not even sure what to prioritize I worked myself up to Manager of my own retail store and I'm still seen as undesirable. It's like people ask where I work and they get turned off like I'm a disease. I have a University degree but unfortunately couldn't get the desired job for it. Thinking of joining the police, least that might seem desirable. Link to post Share on other sites
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