Did I over react? ***Updated*** Exclusive but not her bf

[Mjm1014]

To give some background, I've been going out with this girl a little over a month. We usually hang out/go on dates a few times a week. We are both 30, she lives with a roommate, and I live by myself.

 

Here's the situation...I'm ALWAYS the one driving to see her (she lives about 35-40 minutes away). Anytime I come up with an idea out my direction she always acts totally uninterested and comes up with ideas of things to do out her way, or she tells me to come over and sleep at her place for the night. Weird thing is, her parents don't live too far from me (10 minutes), and when she does go to see them and I offer for her to come over, or do anything near me, she doesn't seem to want to.

 

Literally the past 15 times I've seen her (possibly more), it's always been out her direction...she's never seen my place, and again, even when she is out this way she doesn't seem to want to.

 

I find this behavior very weird. I feel like there is maybe someone else in the picture she doesn't want to run into? Not really sure how I should handle it or if I'm thinking too much into it...all I know is I'm racking up so many miles, and I feel like I'm not home half my days off because I'm always out her way.

 

She always says, "I'm so sorry for making you drive to see me, I'll come your way next time" but she never does. Ugh

[RecentChange]

Wait.... You have been dating for a month but have gotten together 15 times?

 

I agree it sounds weird that she makes no attempt to go to your place. Add the "I don't know what I want right now" I would say her interest is pretty low.

 

Don't be surprised if she bails when someone else comes along.

[Cookiesandough]

You're clearly more interested than she is. Why would she invest time/energy/$ to come when it's just a temporary distraction until she finds whatever she's looking for. That would not be efficient on her part when you come to her

Edited November 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[kassy]

I'd just straight up ask her about it. Seems weird to me. Maybe there is something else behind it.

 

Like just out of curiosity not wanting to see your place even once is unusual.

 

If it doesn't change I would move on. She seems to be making no effort

[loveletter56]

Tell her you want to take her out round your way. If she declines don't go on a date with her round her area. Ask her again a few days later if she wants to do something round your way. If he declines again then i would think about moving on.

 

You're doing the leg work, it's meant to be give and take in a relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think you are on to something. She has someone or something going on where you are and she wants to avoid it or him/her.

 

I would find out what is going on. As her straight-up why she wont see you where you are? Is she trying to avoid someone?

[kgcolonel]

How long has she lived where she does now? I dated a girly once who did exactly this....the difference was that she had an ex that hurt her terribly and he lived in the town that i lived. She was terrified to run into him. Not necessarily a deal breaker for me other than the fact that she lived 3 hours from where i was.

 

KG

[Highndry]

All the information is right here, in your other two threads about this gal. Nothing has changed, she's just not that into you. You're like plan B or C.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/640541-best-way-handle-being-strung-along

[Mjm1014]

I've been dating this girl I met on Tinder for the past month and a half. Literally every time we get together, I drive 45 minutes to see her (she has yet to ever drive my direction). I can't even count how many times I've driven to see her. This past week we finally "slept together" and she told me over and over it was amazing, by far the best she ever had, and she really seemed to open up with me.

 

Yesterday she was at work, and all day I got a cold vibe from her all day..She told me yesterday morning that she wanted to get together when she got off work though.

 

Anyways about an hour from the time she got off work I sent her a text asking her if we were still going to get together, and she said "no prob not, I'm tired and I want to go to the mall" then making all sort of other excuses that didn't add up. Now this mall she was going to is only 5 minutes from me (anytime she is out my direction she never wants to get together)...you would think she would stop by for a minute since she lives 45 minutes away and is going to be right near me almost walking distance. Do I think she was really out at the mall, not really since her story didn't make sense...oh and she pulled this same thing last week saying she would be out my way, and we would hang out after, then acting wishy washy about seeing me...

 

I sent her a long nasty text calling her out, basically telling her I feel like she's playing games, telling her I was mad for blowing me off last minute for the second time this week when I could have made plans, and also telling her it's bs she couldn't even stop to see me when she's so close by-since she never has! Basically told her I don't have time for this anymore since I'm always the one putting in all the effort and am tired for her going hot and cold..I even told her I'm starting to feel like there is either someone else in the picture or she isn't interested. While I was super upset, I know I should have never sent that text since it came off so needy and insecure (ugh!!)

 

She basically called/texted me telling me I'm crazy, she had a long day at work, she's tired, had a headache, and basically making me feel like crap yet she felt good enough to go to the mall at 9pm at night on a Saturday night? We really haven't talked since but I feel like I'm wasting my time on this girl. Maybe I should take everyone's opinions from my last thread

[Highndry]

Why do you keep starting new threads about the same thing? This is your 4th thread. The first two were merged here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/640541-best-way-handle-being-strung-along

 

Then the third:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/642297-odd-situation-girl-i-m-dating

 

Rather than starting a new thread every time, you need to stick to one and update it.

[act00]

The writing is on the wall.

 

Read it.

[KBob]

You shouldn't have said anything about anyone else being in the picture, but I get why you blew up at her. I've been through the same situation. Beware of the ones who don't make an effort, it will translate into bigger issues down the road.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You shouldn't have said anything about anyone else being in the picture, but I get why you blew up at her. I've been through the same situation. Beware of the ones who don't make an effort, it will translate into bigger issues down the road.

 

This is great advice.

[coolheadal]

I've been dating this girl I met on Tinder for the past month and a half. Literally every time we get together, I drive 45 minutes to see her (she has yet to ever drive my direction). I can't even count how many times I've driven to see her. This past week we finally "slept together" and she told me over and over it was amazing, by far the best she ever had, and she really seemed to open up with me.

 

Yesterday she was at work, and all day I got a cold vibe from her all day..She told me yesterday morning that she wanted to get together when she got off work though.

 

Anyways about an hour from the time she got off work I sent her a text asking her if we were still going to get together, and she said "no prob not, I'm tired and I want to go to the mall" then making all sort of other excuses that didn't add up. Now this mall she was going to is only 5 minutes from me (anytime she is out my direction she never wants to get together)...you would think she would stop by for a minute since she lives 45 minutes away and is going to be right near me almost walking distance. Do I think she was really out at the mall, not really since her story didn't make sense...oh and she pulled this same thing last week saying she would be out my way, and we would hang out after, then acting wishy washy about seeing me...

 

I sent her a long nasty text calling her out, basically telling her I feel like she's playing games, telling her I was mad for blowing me off last minute for the second time this week when I could have made plans, and also telling her it's bs she couldn't even stop to see me when she's so close by-since she never has! Basically told her I don't have time for this anymore since I'm always the one putting in all the effort and am tired for her going hot and cold..I even told her I'm starting to feel like there is either someone else in the picture or she isn't interested. While I was super upset, I know I should have never sent that text since it came off so needy and insecure (ugh!!)

 

She basically called/texted me telling me I'm crazy, she had a long day at work, she's tired, had a headache, and basically making me feel like crap yet she felt good enough to go to the mall at 9pm at night on a Saturday night? We really haven't talked since but I feel like I'm wasting my time on this girl. Maybe I should take everyone's opinions from my last thread

 

I am like you in so many ways my friend we men do so much for these women and yet we get nothing in return. Sure she's making up excuses and sure your gut is telling you she could be with someone else. If the sex was that good and she was totally into you like you said she wouldn't make anything stop her she would be with you no matter what. This is not happening with her and you. You drive 45 mins each way to be with her that's 90 min total around-trip drive. Make the 3 hrs each way I use to do that for my 2015 chick. Same bunch of excuses. But we both know where it will end up. You are doing all the work. She's not that tired to go to the mall she's not that caring about you. Stop texting her nasty messages as she called you crazy saying ok he knows I am up to no good, let me blame this on him with more excuses.

 

It's the game she plays, but you can play your game back at her by not contacting her and move on. Keep her on the back burner, you look into other options with other women. Stop beating yourself over this one chick she's not worth it. The sex might have been great but not great enough for her to drive to see you even near you too when she goes tot he mall shame on her.. She'll never a guy like you ever again if she doesn't change her ways. She won't do it..

[basil67]

I very much understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm confused as to why you think you'll be seeing her again. That text didn't show you as being needy and insecure - it showed you has having significant anger issues. It would have been a MASSIVE red flag to her.

 

At any rate, that was a breakup text you sent. You probably will not have to deal with seeing her again anyway.

[coolheadal]

I very much understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm confused as to why you think you'll be seeing her again. That text didn't show you as being needy and insecure - it showed you has having significant anger issues. It would have been a MASSIVE red flag to her.

 

At any rate, that was a breakup text you sent. You probably will not have to deal with seeing her again anyway.

 

He was hurt and she made too many excuses. No one perfect of course the nasty text not needed but what does she say after that text. No sorry but called him CRAZY. That means she's not really into him so much even after the great sex act. her acting was to convincing but how she ended things wasn't right. He said what he had to say. Even though it didn't make any changes she's still acting like biatch to put it mildly.

[KBob]

I very much understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm confused as to why you think you'll be seeing her again. That text didn't show you as being needy and insecure - it showed you has having significant anger issues. It would have been a MASSIVE red flag to her.

 

At any rate, that was a breakup text you sent. You probably will not have to deal with seeing her again anyway.

 

Everyone has a right to feel anger about things. It doesn't mean they have anger issues. From what information he provided here you're jumping the gun by claiming he does.

[basil67]

He was hurt and she made too many excuses. No one perfect of course the nasty text not needed but what does she say after that text. No sorry but called him CRAZY. That means she's not really into him so much even after the great sex act. her acting was to convincing but how she ended things wasn't right. He said what he had to say. Even though it didn't make any changes she's still acting like biatch to put it mildly.

 

If I'd received that text I probably would call the sender CRAZY too. Then block them.

[basil67]

Everyone has a right to feel anger about things. It doesn't mean they have anger issues. From what information he provided here you're jumping the gun by claiming he does.

 

Of course everyone has the right to feel anger. The OP has the right to feel anger over what happened with his girl. The "anger issues" come into play when a person deals very poorly with their anger. A person who doesn't have anger issues will deal with their frustrations in a manner which is conducive to resolving the problem.

[dumbass2]

This girl isn't as interested as you are and after that text to her, I doubt you'll be seeing her again or at least not progressing in any type of relationship. Best when you're emotional to not put it in text....ever.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think you'll have to worry about what to do over this anymore - that was a break up text.

Feeling annoyed/angry is one thing but sending a 'nasty'/'angry' text as you did is a huge red flag.

[KBob]

If I'd received that text I probably would call the sender CRAZY too. Then block them.

 

I agree his text was an over reaction and he said some things that didn't need saying, but the woman was clearly deserving of being called out on her behavior. Sure, if you received a text like this you would block him, but would you have treated someone the way she treated him in the first place? Probably not. If you treat someone in a negative way, you will receive a negative reaction, just like her reaction to that text was to call him crazy, also negative. Are we now to say she has anger issues? People aren't robots programmed to never outwardly display their anger or frustration.

 

OP, isn't solely to blame for this and the red flags aren't only his own. The text was definitely a break up text, but all for the better for him. Next time keep the text short and to the point of dumping her, not so much verbal diarrhea.

[Mjm1014]

I very much understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm confused as to why you think you'll be seeing her again. That text didn't show you as being needy and insecure - it showed you has having significant anger issues. It would have been a MASSIVE red flag to her.

 

At any rate, that was a breakup text you sent. You probably will not have to deal with seeing her again anyway.

 

Thanks for the response, I knew I would see her again because she's been pulling all kinds of weird stuff since we started seeing each other. She actually called me up last night out of the blue to ask if I would come over to hang for a bit, and acting all flirty. Stupid me went over, and she seemed once again so into me...but..it was because she had been drinking. When I got there she took a shot and said jokingly, "I like you much more when I've been drinking" and tried to make out with me. I ended up leaving, kept getting flirty texts, and today she's as cold as a turkey again. Blocking her number and being done.

 

I'm over this girl...def was out of line for the text the other day though but couldn't help I was so upset. She constantly going hot/cold and playing with my emotions.

[dumbass2]

Hopefully you are done. Again, if you're not, you only have your self to blame.

[some_username1]

I very much understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm confused as to why you think you'll be seeing her again. That text didn't show you as being needy and insecure - it showed you has having significant anger issues. It would have been a MASSIVE red flag to her.

 

At any rate, that was a breakup text you sent. You probably will not have to deal with seeing her again anyway.

 

Anger issues?! Psssh, he gave her a verbal 'smack on the beak with a rolled up newspaper'* to show her she wasn't treating him with respect and he won't stand for it.

 

Of course he could have replied with: "sorry honey, you get back to me when you are free" and deleted her number and left things open. Unfortunately for men we don't have the options that women do so even if you do leave the door open they won't circle back round even if in 3 months time she is going through hell with her latest Chad Thunderpants. The most satisfaction OP is going to get is *maybe* a passing thought of "maybe i shouldnt have messed that guy about and given him a chance" but OP isn't going to know about it even if she does.

 

So to him, sending a cool text has the same net gain as dousing it in gasoline and setting it on fire. If it feels right to him the last option can even be better as he has drawn a line under it making it easier to move on whilst also asserting himself and showing the girl that he is a man who has too much respect to be all passive when he is jerked about.

 

I've tried both approaches and experienced that net gain for myself. I think it depends on the nature of the excuses which one to use. In my case on one occasion where a girl told me that she couldn't make our date (after I rushed back 3 hours from visiting family) because she "didn't feel like getting dressed up" I blew up at her and do not regret it. You have to stand up for yourself when you encounter poor behaviour in all walks of like, including dating. In fact I wonder if guys being too passive and not demanding higher standards contributes to the flakiness that we see from girls on apps like Tinder. Being meek and chill about things may put a guy in a cool light but it doesn't make a girl look in the mirror and make her ask whether she has acted with class and maturity. The girl I admonished even came back and apologised because she could see how embarrassing her reasoning was, the damage was done by then but at least I had made her question her behaviour if nothing else so I took a moral victory from that even if she privately thinks I'm a dick. It was all done by then so what she thinks of me really has no bearing on the rest of my life.