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Online dating is BRUTAL


Nothingtolose

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Nothingtolose

I've only been back on it for about 3 weeks, after ending a very problematic 3 year relationship 2 months ago.

 

Although I don't regret breaking up with my ex as it was absolutely the best decision and we were incompatible, I find myself more sad over the break up now than I did at the beginning, likely because reality has hit and I've realized how absolutely brutal it is to date in your mid 30s.

 

I've been on 5 dates: guy 1 was nice but extremely serious and treated the date like an interview, guy 2 had no direction in life, or goals, guy 3 ordered my meal on my behalf without asking me what I wanted (I still had to pay for it at the end, which I don't mind - but it would have been nice to choose my own food), guy 4 was lovely but disappeared after I asked his last name (likely has a partner and doesnt want to be found out), guy 5 was great but apparently met another girl around the same time and 'wanted to see how things go with her'.

 

I'm super busy with trying to start a business and doing things for myself, which is great...but I still would like to find my life partner and start a family, and the experiences so far have been nothing but discouraging.

 

I live in a city that is notoriously known for having a terrible dating scene - with everyone already in a relationship, and guys who are single being very entitled, because they have so many women to choose from (way more women than men here). I've always been told I'm attractive, smart etc and would have no trouble finding a man, but it seems guys on these dating apps are constantly looking for the next best thing.

 

I want to be forward about what I want so I can avoid the time-wasters, but also don't want to come across as bitter or jaded.

 

Any words of advice or hope? :)

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I'm super busy with trying to start a business and doing things for myself, which is great...but I still would like to find my life partner and start a family, and the experiences so far have been nothing but discouraging.

 

* * *

 

Any words of advice or hope? :)

 

Get off OLD. Throw yourself into every networking event you can find for your business: Every entrepreneurial Meet Up group; every business card exchange; the chamber of commerce etc. While at those events promoting your new enterprise, scope out the room for other singles. First I met a group of single women my age so viola I had people to go out with. Eventually I met my husband at a business card exchange. It was so much less awkward to make small talk about business development then purely social stuff. Added advantage: even when I wasn't getting dates, I was getting customers.

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I laughed to myself....you only have been at it for 3 weeks. You think you are going to meet someone decent in 3 weeks? These things will take time. 30 years ago when I was dating...I had plenty of crap ass dates, and remember hating ever min of it. Nothing has changed. You have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. My advice....keep at it, that is all you can do.

 

Everyone come on here asking how to screen people better before going out on a date. basically you can't until you meet them in person.....people lie on their profiles, are married, etc. There's no stopping that. Stay calm, march on.

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:D Yup. Sometimes I'm shaking my head and wondering if I could have stuck it out with my ex! Sometimes........:rolleyes: I always remind myself that I am better off out of THAT relationship and would do it again.

 

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and that is what happened with me and my ex. The more I knew about her (that I didn't before getting involved), the more it turned out that she was messed-up. On the flip side, it turns out that some people would rather be with what they are comfortable with than venture out there to discover the unknown.

 

Yeah, it can be difficult and in my late-40s, it is simply horrid. :D I'm in an area where women are expected to be domesticated, have many children and put education to the back-burner. They divorce like everywhere else, have too many children, under-educated, lacking fitness and very provincial in their mindset. Also, financially, unstable. Ugh.

 

I have taken a break from OLD dating. Waiting for new people to join the sites. I simply do not have the energy nor inclination to frequent bars or social groups. I've also tasted some success, so no need to change for now.

 

Oh, well...

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5 dates in three weeks. That's the kind of brutality I enjoy. Where do I sign up? ;) Back when I was dating I'd be lucky to meet 5 single women in a year, much less date them. My experience was the exact opposite. Online dating, then new, brought me more single women than I'd ever dreamed of. It was like dating nirvana. It brought me a wife too.

 

However, since you live in a city, far more real-life opportunities can be developed out of social activities. If OLD seems brutal, I'd go for the real-life stuff and see how that pans out. Cities condense people so, even if it seems difficult, which I can understand it might to someone fresh out of a LTR, more time equals more opportunities and one never knows what's around the corner. I noted, once I was willing to travel from rural to urban, real-life dating opportunities expanded simply due to more people being around. Since you've got LTR experience, you know how to be with a man and be a good dating/relationship partner. I doubt you'll have significant difficulties. Keep at it. It took me a good ten years to find a dating partner I wanted to marry.

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Nothingtolose
Get off OLD. Throw yourself into every networking event you can find for your business: Every entrepreneurial Meet Up group; every business card exchange; the chamber of commerce etc. While at those events promoting your new enterprise, scope out the room for other singles. First I met a group of single women my age so viola I had people to go out with. Eventually I met my husband at a business card exchange. It was so much less awkward to make small talk about business development then purely social stuff. Added advantage: even when I wasn't getting dates, I was getting customers.

 

That's pretty good advice - I need to do more networking anyways, so think I'm just going to sign up for a bunch of events, and if I don't meet any guys, at least I'm progressing my business, which right now is even more important to me than meeting a guy haha

 

@smackie9 - lol yes I know 3 weeks isn't a very long time and 5 dates isn't bad for 3 weeks, but I'm starting to realize how people were totally right! I've been living in this city for 4 years and was with my ex for most of that time, didn't do a whole lot of dating here before him (and he and I met at work). I was warned by friends that guys here were obsessed with themselves, entitled, flaky etc...I did notice that on some of these dates, the guy just wanted to talk about himself, not to mention the ones who start conversations and then stop replying for no reason etc...it's all tiring, and it takes a lot of effort.

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I know 3 weeks isn't a very long time and 5 dates isn't bad for 3 weeks...

 

You could probably be going on 4-5 dates a week if you're thinking more is better. Seems unsustainable to me though, unless you have a lot of nervous energy, money to burn, and love kissing frogs.

 

 

I was warned by friends that guys here were obsessed with themselves, entitled, flaky etc...I did notice that on some of these dates, the guy just wanted to talk about himself...

 

Well, that settles that then.

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It sounds like you just need to be patient. You haven't even been at it for long at all. Do you really think you're going to find your future husband that quickly? You seem to be attracting plenty of men considering the multiple dates over the course of only a few weeks so I'd imagine it won't be long until one of them "sticks," so to speak.

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Do the networking and also online dating. Forget what people say about it being hard and whatever. People say that everywhere. You aren't trying to find a million good guys just 1, and I'm sure there are a few of those floating around in the bad eggs.

 

Dating can be crap, it can be fun, it can be lonely and it can be tiring. But it can also change in an instant.

 

If you don't keep trying to date be it online or in real life or ideally both then you might get lucky but you might not. Try and lead your life to the full without dating so that if you meet someone it's a bonus to your already awesome life.

 

I've been on probably 150-200 dates with different guys before I met my current boyfriend. He's well worth the wait. We couldn't be more compatible.

 

Good luck and just perservere

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I've been on probably 150-200 dates with different guys before I met my current boyfriend. He's well worth the wait. We couldn't be more compatible.

 

Good luck and just perservere

 

That sounds exhausting, 200 dates over how long?:)

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That sounds exhausting, 200 dates over how long?:)

 

About 18 months. I don't drink alcohol so most were coffee or activity dates. And most were lots of fun. I only did a few second dates and very few third dates in that time (usually my call). No 4th dates till my boyfriend.

 

I don't chat for ages before a date, if we seem to get on then we go for a date. I keep it very much a fun casual get to know you kind of thing. I don't think I would have survived 200 boozy all night sort of dates. It was wonderful to meet my boyfriend, and very nice not to have to keep dating hahaha

 

I'm a bit of a weird person and have learnt what I need in a partner to have a fulfilling relationship. So it's easy to pass on a great person when those things aren't there. My boyfriend had a similar dating history over the last 18 months funnily enough

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I've realized how absolutely brutal it is to date in your mid 30s.

 

If you think its bad now, try dating in your late 40s. It's a f*cking s#itshow out there.

 

Up next? Paying for sex.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
If you think its bad now, try dating in your late 40s. It's a f*cking s#itshow out there.

 

Up next? Paying for sex.

 

I think dating in your forties is probably a lot easier than mid-thirties without kids and wanting them someday.

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l was married a long time and after divorce went on it a few mths so hardly an expert.

Met someone else later. God help me though that hasn't worked out and l just joined up on my old site again, yikes.

But l dont get why people even bother meeting 95% of them.

 

My little stint the first time l talked must've been 40 or 50 girls but l only went and met 3. Waste of time even bothering the rest.

l know it goes against what people recommend but l found a bit of chit chat first helped you sort the out the frogs and a whole lotta trouble bothering further.

having just gone through divorce too, it was a lot easier on me mentally to just talk to people a bit first , suss em out, things come to the surface and you find out they're a waste of time so much easier to me.

 

The 3 l did meet pick of the crop but nothing there, met some nice girls though and had some fun too so not all a wast.

 

Seems a bit soon for you anyway only a few mths out of a 3yr thing.

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I've only been back on it for about 3 weeks, after ending a very problematic 3 year relationship 2 months ago.

 

Although I don't regret breaking up with my ex as it was absolutely the best decision and we were incompatible, I find myself more sad over the break up now than I did at the beginning, likely because reality has hit and I've realized how absolutely brutal it is to date in your mid 30s.

 

I've been on 5 dates: guy 1 was nice but extremely serious and treated the date like an interview, guy 2 had no direction in life, or goals, guy 3 ordered my meal on my behalf without asking me what I wanted (I still had to pay for it at the end, which I don't mind - but it would have been nice to choose my own food), guy 4 was lovely but disappeared after I asked his last name (likely has a partner and doesnt want to be found out), guy 5 was great but apparently met another girl around the same time and 'wanted to see how things go with her'.

 

I'm super busy with trying to start a business and doing things for myself, which is great...but I still would like to find my life partner and start a family, and the experiences so far have been nothing but discouraging.

 

I live in a city that is notoriously known for having a terrible dating scene - with everyone already in a relationship, and guys who are single being very entitled, because they have so many women to choose from (way more women than men here). I've always been told I'm attractive, smart etc and would have no trouble finding a man, but it seems guys on these dating apps are constantly looking for the next best thing.

 

I want to be forward about what I want so I can avoid the time-wasters, but also don't want to come across as bitter or jaded.

 

Any words of advice or hope? :)

 

You have sum up all this and you know now that the men online are not what you have expected. Not coming across cold or jaded. Just what you found out is the truth. The worst of the worst have found their way to online dating. They do have no goals and for me the woman have so many kids from prior husbands, boyfriends it's just a huge mess. Those that string me along with false hope and still married or have some ex bf in their life still. You are lucky you had dated so many men as I have dated so many women. In the end you need to get off online dating scene. I know its easier to do but look at the quality of men you face. Trash needs to be placed in the trash bin.

 

Look for someone at your job before you start looking else where. Really not easy to find someone. I made the move to ask a co-worker female from work out for breakfast. That was several months ago. We talk on cell not so much text she's like me doesn't like to text and doesn't like to talk on the phone but for me she tries. She's ready to come back home to me. 3 more days she's here. I've taken care of all the arrangements flight and anything else. But this is me I can do provide the means to get here. Now the wait is over. She had family issues to take care of now completed. 3 months worth. But you might bet lucky too. Just can't do it online sorry to say that. Some here might have met their partner online but those days are gone. A chance encounter is hard as well in person.

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Eternal Sunshine

For me OLD goes something like this:

 

I meet someone and go "hell no". (the guy might be going "hell no" too but to me that's irrelevent if I decide I am not interested). Game over.

 

I meet someone and think "meh", he is not horrible, maybe give it couple of more dates. One of us fades out before date 4. Game over.

 

I meet someone and we both like each other. We keep dating, it progresses to a relationship then at around 4-8 month mark I find out something huge (like he lied about a major aspect of his life, he is an alcoholic, he is moving permanently to another continent). I end it. They linger for another few months trying to get me to change my mind. Nope. Game over.

 

200+ first dates here, but I am really fussy and I also use OLD to make friends. I got 2 decent long term friends out of it.

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Nothingtolose
I think dating in your forties is probably a lot easier than mid-thirties without kids and wanting them someday.

 

I have to agree with you. I have a friend from work who just recently got divorced, she is 45, has 2 kids, but really beautiful, smart and fit. She wants a partner again but is in no serious rush since she's already 'been there, done that', doesn't want any more kids etc.

 

Me on the other hand...33, never married, definitely ready to settle down and start a family. This can really scare some guys away. Unfortunately I just don't have too many biological years ahead of me, and having a child is very important to me, way more than getting married. If a guy has no plans to start a family in the near future, then I basically need to find out as early as possible so as not to waste my time, but it's really hard to bring up these things without coming across as desperate....it's a very fine line.

 

I meet too many guys my age (or even older), who still seem to want to live their lives like they're 21 and have no interest in settling down any time soon. They are all over these dating sites too. I often see profiles of guys who are like 39, 40, and their profile is something along the lines of "not looking to rush into anything/ just want to have some fun and see what happens" etc...I'd understand having that kind of approach when you're early-mid twenties, but when you're nearly 40, it's just a bit of a turn off for me. I'm not saying it has to be "meet today, get engaged tomorrow", but I definitely want to ensure the guy is ready to meet a life partner and start a family, if it feels right, and these guys are so rare to find these days, it's like most men are avoiding real commitment like the plague.

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mortensorchid

Countless people are in the same boat as you. This forum (or others like it) would not exist if the whoa did not exist and all have the same story or are asking the same question, which is either "Why can't I attract someone" or "What are good places to meet men/women?". If there was an answer, I would tell you or anyone else what the answer is, but I don't have it to give you. Like no one else does either.

 

With that being said ... Some things that I can tell you are this ...

 

Don't meet someone in a bar / rock club and expect to have a relationship with them. Some that I met in those days in my early 20s (and a few today in my early 40s) I never even see in the daylight. OLD for the most part SUCKS. Why does it suck? It's a product that is being sold to us which promises one thing but the end result is something else (ex. tooth whitening strips don't get your teeth as white as they promise - to get your teeth truly white again you have to get it done professionally by a dentist). You will meet this person in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, then they will walk away and you will never see or hear from them again. It's just random meetings that last a few hours and then ... It ends.

 

Places or means in which you SHOULD do to meet people? I don't know. All I do know is that it won't happen in above two situations, if that helps you at all.

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Nothingtolose
Countless people are in the same boat as you. This forum (or others like it) would not exist if the whoa did not exist and all have the same story or are asking the same question, which is either "Why can't I attract someone" or "What are good places to meet men/women?". If there was an answer, I would tell you or anyone else what the answer is, but I don't have it to give you. Like no one else does either.

 

With that being said ... Some things that I can tell you are this ...

 

Don't meet someone in a bar / rock club and expect to have a relationship with them. Some that I met in those days in my early 20s (and a few today in my early 40s) I never even see in the daylight. OLD for the most part SUCKS. Why does it suck? It's a product that is being sold to us which promises one thing but the end result is something else (ex. tooth whitening strips don't get your teeth as white as they promise - to get your teeth truly white again you have to get it done professionally by a dentist). You will meet this person in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, then they will walk away and you will never see or hear from them again. It's just random meetings that last a few hours and then ... It ends.

 

Places or means in which you SHOULD do to meet people? I don't know. All I do know is that it won't happen in above two situations, if that helps you at all.

 

I have to disagree with you there. I actually have quite a few friends who are now married to people they met at a bar or a concert (in their 20s, so different situation/age, obviously), and even more people who met their current partner online dating (many of them in their 30s). There's recent research/evidence on how online dating is changing the nature of society, and how many marriages today are formed from people who met online: https://www.technologyreview.com/s/609091/first-evidence-that-online-dating-is-changing-the-nature-of-society/

 

Sure, it can be a **** show, and you often have to put in a lot of time and effort, and go on many dates before you meet someone worth pursuing (unless you get lucky early on, which also happens for some), but it's completely possible to meet a partner via online apps, although it isn't my preferred way by any means.

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Countless people are in the same boat as you. This forum (or others like it) would not exist if the whoa did not exist and all have the same story or are asking the same question, which is either "Why can't I attract someone" or "What are good places to meet men/women?". If there was an answer, I would tell you or anyone else what the answer is, but I don't have it to give you. Like no one else does either.

 

With that being said ... Some things that I can tell you are this ...

 

Don't meet someone in a bar / rock club and expect to have a relationship with them. Some that I met in those days in my early 20s (and a few today in my early 40s) I never even see in the daylight. OLD for the most part SUCKS. Why does it suck? It's a product that is being sold to us which promises one thing but the end result is something else (ex. tooth whitening strips don't get your teeth as white as they promise - to get your teeth truly white again you have to get it done professionally by a dentist). You will meet this person in a bar/restaurant/coffee shop, then they will walk away and you will never see or hear from them again. It's just random meetings that last a few hours and then ... It ends.

 

Places or means in which you SHOULD do to meet people? I don't know. All I do know is that it won't happen in above two situations, if that helps you at all.

 

Events are the key.. What your into might have the answers you seek. OLD yes it does suck because years ago things where different. Today all sorts of creeps on there both men and women. Behavior issues, still married, faker who just want to steal your money. It's a new type of addiction abuse. I say at you job there might be someone you know and interested in. Or maybe that drive-thru fast food place you see he same guy there. Things you take for granted might lead you to the love one of your life.

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For what it's worth I met my husband through OLD, one of my friends also met her husband on OLD, my husband's best friend met his wife on OLD. But it doesn't take 3 weeks and yes it is tough. It took me 18 months to meet my husband. I only went on 30ish dates. I didn't attract as many men as you seem to attract. I was in my early 40s when I started and almost 46 now.

 

You need to work at it there is no way around it. Do the events too but discounting OLD is very bad advice. People at events are the same as online you only go on less dates and thus have less dissatisfaction.

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Sure, it can be a **** show, and you often have to put in a lot of time and effort, and go on many dates before you meet someone worth pursuing (unless you get lucky early on, which also happens for some), but it's completely possible to meet a partner via online apps, although it isn't my preferred way by any means.

 

Absolutely. I don't understand why some people claim that OLD never works. It does. I met and married my ex via EH. I have met some great ladies that I could, in hindsight, have had a long term relationship provided some things fell into place at the times they needed to.

 

It's not fun and can be very frustrating, but OLD is a norm and works for some, many.

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Dating IRL is also brutal. The difference is that OLD makes it easier to lie, misrepresent yourself, or use a dating site purely for a hookup site. People can do that in IRL too of course, but OLD makes it easier. I did OLD for 3 months, and you just gotta keep at it until something sticks. That's all you can do. I would have realistic expectations too. There is no guarantee that you will ever meet anyone with OLD. Don't pressure yourself, and just assume you won't find anyone.

 

Dating IRL is pretty hard once you get past your 20s though. In college, it was easy because everyone was single, and you're thrown into a situation that does not reflect the real world. There are so many opportunities to meet people in that environment. What are the chances you will randomly meet someone you want to date IRL at this point? Probably not very good. By the time you hit your 30s, everyone around you is getting married and having kids. So it really cuts down on the number of single people you meet, and people also have more emotional baggage by that time. So you meet a lot of damaged, nonfunctional people :p

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