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Online dating is BRUTAL


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Old 10th November 2017, 3:54 PM   #1
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Online dating is BRUTAL

I've only been back on it for about 3 weeks, after ending a very problematic 3 year relationship 2 months ago.

Although I don't regret breaking up with my ex as it was absolutely the best decision and we were incompatible, I find myself more sad over the break up now than I did at the beginning, likely because reality has hit and I've realized how absolutely brutal it is to date in your mid 30s.

I've been on 5 dates: guy 1 was nice but extremely serious and treated the date like an interview, guy 2 had no direction in life, or goals, guy 3 ordered my meal on my behalf without asking me what I wanted (I still had to pay for it at the end, which I don't mind - but it would have been nice to choose my own food), guy 4 was lovely but disappeared after I asked his last name (likely has a partner and doesnt want to be found out), guy 5 was great but apparently met another girl around the same time and 'wanted to see how things go with her'.

I'm super busy with trying to start a business and doing things for myself, which is great...but I still would like to find my life partner and start a family, and the experiences so far have been nothing but discouraging.

I live in a city that is notoriously known for having a terrible dating scene - with everyone already in a relationship, and guys who are single being very entitled, because they have so many women to choose from (way more women than men here). I've always been told I'm attractive, smart etc and would have no trouble finding a man, but it seems guys on these dating apps are constantly looking for the next best thing.

I want to be forward about what I want so I can avoid the time-wasters, but also don't want to come across as bitter or jaded.

Any words of advice or hope?
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:29 PM   #2
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I'm super busy with trying to start a business and doing things for myself, which is great...but I still would like to find my life partner and start a family, and the experiences so far have been nothing but discouraging.

* * *

Any words of advice or hope?
Get off OLD. Throw yourself into every networking event you can find for your business: Every entrepreneurial Meet Up group; every business card exchange; the chamber of commerce etc. While at those events promoting your new enterprise, scope out the room for other singles. First I met a group of single women my age so viola I had people to go out with. Eventually I met my husband at a business card exchange. It was so much less awkward to make small talk about business development then purely social stuff. Added advantage: even when I wasn't getting dates, I was getting customers.
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:21 PM   #3
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I laughed to myself....you only have been at it for 3 weeks. You think you are going to meet someone decent in 3 weeks? These things will take time. 30 years ago when I was dating...I had plenty of crap ass dates, and remember hating ever min of it. Nothing has changed. You have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one. My advice....keep at it, that is all you can do.

Everyone come on here asking how to screen people better before going out on a date. basically you can't until you meet them in person.....people lie on their profiles, are married, etc. There's no stopping that. Stay calm, march on.
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:29 PM   #4
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Yup. Sometimes I'm shaking my head and wondering if I could have stuck it out with my ex! Sometimes........ I always remind myself that I am better off out of THAT relationship and would do it again.

Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt and that is what happened with me and my ex. The more I knew about her (that I didn't before getting involved), the more it turned out that she was messed-up. On the flip side, it turns out that some people would rather be with what they are comfortable with than venture out there to discover the unknown.

Yeah, it can be difficult and in my late-40s, it is simply horrid. I'm in an area where women are expected to be domesticated, have many children and put education to the back-burner. They divorce like everywhere else, have too many children, under-educated, lacking fitness and very provincial in their mindset. Also, financially, unstable. Ugh.

I have taken a break from OLD dating. Waiting for new people to join the sites. I simply do not have the energy nor inclination to frequent bars or social groups. I've also tasted some success, so no need to change for now.

Oh, well...
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:45 PM   #5
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5 dates in three weeks. That's the kind of brutality I enjoy. Where do I sign up? Back when I was dating I'd be lucky to meet 5 single women in a year, much less date them. My experience was the exact opposite. Online dating, then new, brought me more single women than I'd ever dreamed of. It was like dating nirvana. It brought me a wife too.

However, since you live in a city, far more real-life opportunities can be developed out of social activities. If OLD seems brutal, I'd go for the real-life stuff and see how that pans out. Cities condense people so, even if it seems difficult, which I can understand it might to someone fresh out of a LTR, more time equals more opportunities and one never knows what's around the corner. I noted, once I was willing to travel from rural to urban, real-life dating opportunities expanded simply due to more people being around. Since you've got LTR experience, you know how to be with a man and be a good dating/relationship partner. I doubt you'll have significant difficulties. Keep at it. It took me a good ten years to find a dating partner I wanted to marry.
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:06 PM   #6
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Get off OLD. Throw yourself into every networking event you can find for your business: Every entrepreneurial Meet Up group; every business card exchange; the chamber of commerce etc. While at those events promoting your new enterprise, scope out the room for other singles. First I met a group of single women my age so viola I had people to go out with. Eventually I met my husband at a business card exchange. It was so much less awkward to make small talk about business development then purely social stuff. Added advantage: even when I wasn't getting dates, I was getting customers.
That's pretty good advice - I need to do more networking anyways, so think I'm just going to sign up for a bunch of events, and if I don't meet any guys, at least I'm progressing my business, which right now is even more important to me than meeting a guy haha

@smackie9 - lol yes I know 3 weeks isn't a very long time and 5 dates isn't bad for 3 weeks, but I'm starting to realize how people were totally right! I've been living in this city for 4 years and was with my ex for most of that time, didn't do a whole lot of dating here before him (and he and I met at work). I was warned by friends that guys here were obsessed with themselves, entitled, flaky etc...I did notice that on some of these dates, the guy just wanted to talk about himself, not to mention the ones who start conversations and then stop replying for no reason etc...it's all tiring, and it takes a lot of effort.
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:32 PM   #7
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I know 3 weeks isn't a very long time and 5 dates isn't bad for 3 weeks...
You could probably be going on 4-5 dates a week if you're thinking more is better. Seems unsustainable to me though, unless you have a lot of nervous energy, money to burn, and love kissing frogs.


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I was warned by friends that guys here were obsessed with themselves, entitled, flaky etc...I did notice that on some of these dates, the guy just wanted to talk about himself...
Well, that settles that then.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:06 PM   #8
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It sounds like you just need to be patient. You haven't even been at it for long at all. Do you really think you're going to find your future husband that quickly? You seem to be attracting plenty of men considering the multiple dates over the course of only a few weeks so I'd imagine it won't be long until one of them "sticks," so to speak.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:49 PM   #9
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Do the networking and also online dating. Forget what people say about it being hard and whatever. People say that everywhere. You aren't trying to find a million good guys just 1, and I'm sure there are a few of those floating around in the bad eggs.

Dating can be crap, it can be fun, it can be lonely and it can be tiring. But it can also change in an instant.

If you don't keep trying to date be it online or in real life or ideally both then you might get lucky but you might not. Try and lead your life to the full without dating so that if you meet someone it's a bonus to your already awesome life.

I've been on probably 150-200 dates with different guys before I met my current boyfriend. He's well worth the wait. We couldn't be more compatible.

Good luck and just perservere
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:52 PM   #10
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I've been on probably 150-200 dates with different guys before I met my current boyfriend. He's well worth the wait. We couldn't be more compatible.

Good luck and just perservere
That sounds exhausting, 200 dates over how long?
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:02 PM   #11
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That sounds exhausting, 200 dates over how long?
About 18 months. I don't drink alcohol so most were coffee or activity dates. And most were lots of fun. I only did a few second dates and very few third dates in that time (usually my call). No 4th dates till my boyfriend.

I don't chat for ages before a date, if we seem to get on then we go for a date. I keep it very much a fun casual get to know you kind of thing. I don't think I would have survived 200 boozy all night sort of dates. It was wonderful to meet my boyfriend, and very nice not to have to keep dating hahaha

I'm a bit of a weird person and have learnt what I need in a partner to have a fulfilling relationship. So it's easy to pass on a great person when those things aren't there. My boyfriend had a similar dating history over the last 18 months funnily enough
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:17 PM   #12
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I've realized how absolutely brutal it is to date in your mid 30s.
If you think its bad now, try dating in your late 40s. It's a f*cking s#itshow out there.

Up next? Paying for sex.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:25 PM   #13
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If you think its bad now, try dating in your late 40s. It's a f*cking s#itshow out there.

Up next? Paying for sex.
I think dating in your forties is probably a lot easier than mid-thirties without kids and wanting them someday.
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Old 10th November 2017, 11:28 PM   #14
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l was married a long time and after divorce went on it a few mths so hardly an expert.
Met someone else later. God help me though that hasn't worked out and l just joined up on my old site again, yikes.
But l dont get why people even bother meeting 95% of them.

My little stint the first time l talked must've been 40 or 50 girls but l only went and met 3. Waste of time even bothering the rest.
l know it goes against what people recommend but l found a bit of chit chat first helped you sort the out the frogs and a whole lotta trouble bothering further.
having just gone through divorce too, it was a lot easier on me mentally to just talk to people a bit first , suss em out, things come to the surface and you find out they're a waste of time so much easier to me.

The 3 l did meet pick of the crop but nothing there, met some nice girls though and had some fun too so not all a wast.

Seems a bit soon for you anyway only a few mths out of a 3yr thing.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:25 AM   #15
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Agreed Iím in the same boat

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