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Ex wants to see me but he has a baby now


Lattes4Days

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3 years ago I lost what I consider to be a soulmate in my life. I broke up with him because he was rushing me into marriage (because he's military) and I wasn't ready at all for that commitment so I broke up with him. He ended up marrying someone else shortly thereafter and we had a huge fight about it, we blocked each other. He knew I regretted my decision in breaking up with him but he said it was too late because he had already proposed to her, hence the fight then the blocking.

 

 

They were married for about 2 1/2 years and I had moved on for the most part. This week he texted me saying they're getting divorced, how he owed me an apology saying things like he didn't see it before and now he does. How he hurt a lot of people when he was married and how he feels like a failure. We agreed to meet this Wednesday to talk about everything but then he cancelled saying he's going through a lot right now with the divorce and just needs time to "sort everything out".

 

 

I asked him if he had any kids now (a few days after our initial conversation) and he said yes, he has a 3 month old baby boy now. 3 months old! I said "Why are you getting divorced then??" he said "Our marriage has been over for a long time, I think we thought he could save it." (omg, so ridiculous)

 

 

I said "I've been heartbroken over you for 2 years, until I met someone this year. I don't know if I can handle you having a kid with her." he said "I get that. I'm sorry." He told me he didn't realize how badly he hurt me.

 

 

He cancelled our meeting and said, "I think we should wait to meet up. I just want to make sure I can still see my son and she doesn't screw me over in the divorce. You're also kinda seeing someone now and I know I need some time. Especially if I hurt you that badly before, its not fair to you. I'll let you know when things settle down for me." I said "Ok just let me know then." He said "I promise I will."

 

 

That was the end of our conversation. I agreed to meet him face to face just to see if the connection was still there, but he cancelled, so now I can't. I don't know if I'll ever see him now. The fact that he has a child changes everything. I was sure I was going to give him another chance, but now I really don't think I can. It's going to be too painful for me to see them all together as a family.

 

 

Not only that, but he doesn't have much to offer me anymore. I mean child support fees aside, I will always be number 3 on his list if I get back together with him. It'll be the baby and her before me. He said he still needs to have her in his life because she's the mother of his son and he said he will still need to talk to her and be nice to maintain a good relationship for the baby. I said I understand that.

 

 

I said "Are you sure you don't want to be with her?" He said "I'm sure it's over." he said she already had been with another guy.

Its just sad because he showed me a pic of the baby and it looks exactly like him. What am I supposed to do?

 

 

It took me so long to get over him. I don't think I can put myself through anymore pain but part of me still wants to see him in person.

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What's the point of meeting him? There is nothing else to say.

 

He has a 3 month old baby too.

 

He either is lying and is still married but wants ego boost/easy sex so he calls up on you, or he is telling you the truth. Regardless, what is there to gain by meeting with each-other?

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The fact that you even agreed to meet him up tells me you weren't over him.

 

But hey, your life. If you want to get back with him and get involved with the inevitable baggage and drama, your choice.

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Never a good idea to get involved with a recently divorced man, especially one who carries as much unresolved baggage as this guy does...

 

I would cancel the "date" and wish him well.

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This isn't the same guy you were with 3 years who. Way too much baggage and now he's just looking for comfort from someone he's familiar with. I'd leave this alone. I don't see you being happy with him now.

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He's a couple years out emotionally from being available for any new healthy relationship. Even if he's over her (which, who knows), he's DEFINITELY not over the failure of the relationship and that is a big deal in the baggage department. It isn't even about him having a baby, it's his emotional state and the timing of everything happening in his life at once. He needs to learn how to be a dad, learn how to be single again, learn how to regain his confidence, learn from whatever he did wrong that contributed to the failure of the marriage... so don't worry about it for now. Because, seriously, if you ever did want something real with him it is still so far off that you don't know where you'll be and you don't want to wait for a maybe.

 

Focus on your current relationship. If some day, way down the line, you're single again (for reasons unrelated to your ex) and so is he, then check it out if you're still curious and more comfortable with him having a toddler. But right now, he's just going to unintentionally using you to start healing, because his life is flipped so upside down he will be too unstable to give you anything in return.

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Cookiesandough

No one can tell you what to do, OP. People are often there to tell you after it's over what mistakes you made. What they don't say is that a lot of life's toughest choices are double edged sword anyway. Super cliche, but follow your 'heart'.

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Perhaps in the future, you two could reconnect. But not now, and not for a long time to come. He has too much on his plate and far too much unfinished business. He is right to tell you that now is not the time to meet.

 

I think you would be best to stop communicating with him. He is in a totally place in his life now and not the carefree guy you once knew. The dynamic would be completely different, forever.

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The guy sounds like he can't be alone and it has to be marriage. In three years, you broke up, he married someone else pretty fast, and now he's back to you when that marriage is failing, and now there's a child. You will be raising that child should you move forward. The ex doesn't have to be a major staple in your life. Beyond parenting, they really don't have to see or talk to each other, hang out, do holidays or birthdays or anything. Just coparent. I don't know what you're expecting. Some ex relationships are different, maintained friendships and holidays, etc., but it's not going to be like some polyamorous or polygamous situation. She'll have her life, he'll have his. The situation can be nasty, it could be cordial...you don't know.

 

I think this guy is a mess, from leaping into serious relationships terribly fast and this (what seems like) fear of being alone, not having a spouse...it's like he can't just date, it has to be all or nothing. That wedding ring is like a guarantee she'll be around and everything will be rainbows and unicorns, but personalities don't mesh and marriages take work. This is what dating is for - to figure out if you're compatible before blending everything. Running at warp speed straight into a marriage is just not healthy, and it gets so much more complicated when having to deal with children.

 

In three years, we've had a breakup, quick marriage, quick failure of this marriage, and contacting the old girlfriend to rekindle something because he's staring at being alone in the face...with a baby...dealing with the baby as a single father, no spouse, no help...and he can't be alone.

 

Just not good, OP.

 

This guy needs to learn to function alone. He needs to not be so needy. Women/wives will not complete him or fill some void. That void has to be filled by him. He has to be complete on his own before a wife can offer and be what he wants.

 

I think this backing off is the best. You're walking straight into a minefield otherwise. At least wait for the paint to dry. You'd merely be a rebound and a crutch while he pursues divorce and custody/parenting issues, gets back on his feet, and then what? He'll want to marry you in six months? The divorce was final last Tuesday, let's get hitched? Even though he hasn't worked through his stuff? Even though you don't necessarily really know each other enough with all the drama and pain to know if this is long-term?

 

Consider him a rebound, consider yourself a rebound and transition girlfriend. The guy needs to be single for awhile. Maybe in a few years, you'll collide again; that is, if this guy you're seeing doesn't work out or another guy...concentrate on available men who have healthy and realistic ideals and boundaries. This guy has a level of desperation that is a bit scary, and he needs to grow.

 

Side topic - several men I have dated had that quick marriage before shipping off to the military, young marriage that didn't work out...seemed like a great idea at the time. I don't know how young you two are, but they do mature, and they make mistakes, and they're good men, but this guy is in just too much of a messy place right now to be considering dating. He's hanging onto old feelings and this need to be married.

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The irony here is that you are punishing him twice for your own stupid decision. He was the love of your life and you rejected him because he wanted to marry you? Then you get butt hurt because he married and had a kid with someone else after you rejected him? Being in the military, it is quite normal to have a different timetable for wanting to settle down and have children. And to all the responders who say he has too much baggage? He's a jerk because he didn't sit around and wait for his first love []? Fine. He made a mistake and had a kid with someone he no longer loves. At least he knows what he wants and has the courage to go after it...

 

Why would you presume his is ex will always be first before you? It doesn't sound like it from his actions. And of course his baby would always come before you. That's called being a good parent. You make it sound like a bad thing. Your whole attitude about this seems pretty self centered. I don't really see anything wrong with what he has done other than acknowledging a mistake and trying to move on - something you don't seem to have done. Have you told him it was a mistake dumping him??? He certainly seems to respect your needs as he cancelled the meeting to sort things out on his end first. I don't really see the harm in meeting him later on if he really is your soulmate...

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Why would you presume his is ex will always be first before you? It doesn't sound like it from his actions. And of course his baby would always come before you. That's called being a good parent. You make it sound like a bad thing. Your whole attitude about this seems pretty self centered.

 

Of course it is a bad thing from her POV, as she is single and she doesn't want to be lumbered with a new born baby he had with someone else and an ex who will always be hanging around somewhere...

She wants to be his no 1, she wants her kids to be his no 1 too, not back in line after he pays child support for his special "first born".

Some men do not want to bring up other men's kids and some women do not want to bring up other women's kids either.

It is not self centred, it is all about self preservation.

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Of course it is a bad thing from her POV, as she is single and she doesn't want to be lumbered with a new born baby he had with someone else and an ex who will always be hanging around somewhere...

She wants to be his no 1, she wants her kids to be his no 1 too, not back in line after he pays child support for his special "first born".

Some men do not want to bring up other men's kids and some women do not want to bring up other women's kids either.

It is not self centred, it is all about self preservation.

 

I'm not endorsing getting back together. I just find it ironic that she calls him the love of her life yet seems completely unwilling to even acknowledge she has some culpability in both of them ending up where they are now. BTW It's usually WAY different being a single dad than a single mom. Most dads only have their kids every other weekend or one week a month. It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid. But who knows the answers to any of these questions if she refuses to meet...

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I'm not endorsing getting back together. I just find it ironic that she calls him the love of her life yet seems completely unwilling to even acknowledge she has some culpability in both of them ending up where they are now. BTW It's usually WAY different being a single dad than a single mom. Most dads only have their kids every other weekend or one week a month. It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid. But who knows the answers to any of these questions if she refuses to meet...

 

HE cancelled the meet.

 

He cancelled our meeting and said, "I think we should wait to meet up. I just want to make sure I can still see my son and she doesn't screw me over in the divorce. You're also kinda seeing someone now and I know I need some time. Especially if I hurt you that badly before, its not fair to you. I'll let you know when things settle down for me." I said "Ok just let me know then." He said "I promise I will.

 

That was the end of our conversation. I agreed to meet him face to face just to see if the connection was still there, but he cancelled, so now I can't. I don't know if I'll ever see him now.

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HE cancelled the meet.

 

That's misrepresenting what happened. She stated that he cancelled only after her understandably strong reaction to discovering he had a baby. He realized it was too soon and promised to reconnect with her AFTER he sorted out his divorce and other personal affairs... She stated she's not going to agree to meet him again...

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It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid.

 

Maybe; maybe not, but it's more likely that she will end up having to deal with a psycho babymama who will use the child as a pawn in her vindictive game and Lattes wants to avoid wading into that cesspool, which I don't blame her.

 

Dude needs to clean up his messy, messy life before asking anyone to join him in it.

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I wonder if the wife knows they are getting divorced......

 

Yep, this guy is NOT getting a divorce. []

 

Come on now. Who the hell is getting a divorce with a 3 month old?

 

The ex is undersexed at the moment due to the new arrival. And as opposed to many of us who would love a chance at fatherhood and everything that it entails(this is one of my life's few regrets, that I never had kids), he just wants [sex with] OP. Because he thinks she will keep her trap shut about it if he can pull it off. So he doesn't have to keep masturbating in the shower like he is now.

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All this negative speculation and character assassination about him is uncalled for. All we know is that OP dumped him, he rushed out and found a wife and had a kid. She regrets dumping him. He regrets getting married and having a kid so quickly. He may or may not be lying about actually getting a divorce etc... but it really doesn't matter at this point. He reached out to her, they talked and HE was the one that decided it was too much too soon until AFTER he divorced. So I don't see all the need to project this duplicity about his intent unless he doesn't keep his word. I would meet again, because to me it's not a commitment to anything. Maybe she will feel nothing and get closure. It seems like she is afraid that meeting him will just get her entangled in an emotional mess she's not prepared to deal with. If so, that's fine. But again, not need to drag the guy through the mud...

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After doing some cleanup and removing the posting privileges of a couple members for language violations, I'll add a directive here to adopt a more collaborative and civil tone to interactions in this thread, as well as to cease and desist with the inflammatory language. Thanks!

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Thank you everyone for your input. To clarify, I did apologize to him many times on the phone a week ago for breaking up with him when I was 22 and emotionally unavailable. He apologized to me for "being immature and obviously rushing things." I do feel like this was all my fault. I could have changed the entire outcome of this situation had I stayed, and looking back now, I only wish there was a time machine.

 

 

However maybe I was saved from ending up in her shoes. I still don't know what he may have done to cause the divorce, considering it ended so abruptly. I also think maybe she knew the marriage was going downhill and might have trapped him with getting pregnant, but that's just a theory, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

 

 

I'm going to focus on the guy I'm currently seeing, and if my ex ever reaches out to meet, I'll just meet him for coffee and maybe I'll get my real closure then. If not, then I need to close that chapter.

 

 

I keep thinking there was something I could have done. Maybe I could have called him up before he had the baby? But all of these what-ifs are pointless and I'm tired of him haunting my heart.

 

 

It hurts knowing she'll have him in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years but hopefully I'll find my own happiness and forget about them.

 

 

Thanks everyone!

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Thank you everyone for your input. To clarify, I did apologize to him many times on the phone a week ago for breaking up with him when I was 22 and emotionally unavailable. He apologized to me for "being immature and obviously rushing things." I do feel like this was all my fault. I could have changed the entire outcome of this situation had I stayed, and looking back now, I only wish there was a time machine.

 

 

However maybe I was saved from ending up in her shoes. I still don't know what he may have done to cause the divorce, considering it ended so abruptly. I also think maybe she knew the marriage was going downhill and might have trapped him with getting pregnant, but that's just a theory, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

 

 

I'm going to focus on the guy I'm currently seeing, and if my ex ever reaches out to meet, I'll just meet him for coffee and maybe I'll get my real closure then. If not, then I need to close that chapter.

 

 

I keep thinking there was something I could have done. Maybe I could have called him up before he had the baby? But all of these what-ifs are pointless and I'm tired of him haunting my heart.

 

 

It hurts knowing she'll have him in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years but hopefully I'll find my own happiness and forget about them.

 

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Well, coparenting as divorced parents isn't usually very fun so I don't know that she feels great having him "in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years." I don't know that I would feel badly about that, if I was you...

 

Do you really want to feel badly that you didn't call a married man and insert yourself into his marriage before he had a baby... I don't think so.

 

Who knows what happened in their marriage... My guess, they are getting divorced because they rushed into marriage and had a child without really developing a strong foundation for their relationship. Bad decision, after bad decision, after bad decision...

 

You, can't go back so don't even try. Look forward and build a good life for yourself. Closure is something you find for yourself... You won't find it during a coffee date with your ex.

 

Just my .02 cents. Good luck.

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I think a major point is getting missed here, in that there is a pattern. This guy could have accepted a continued committed relationship without full out marriage. The OP was 22. I see his approach as "all or nothing," as he shipped off to boot camp (?). It's a "mistake" that has gotten made a lot in my experience with my stepdad and some men that I have dated, married too young, and he's not really around a lot, and when he's home there is getting used to each other again, and what about combat and issues surrounding that? Toss in kids that eat up your time and money. It's TOUGH to be a military couple. Getting married too young, too fast does not make matters easier.

 

This guy runs head-strong at warp speed to level 10, completely bypassing important stages. In THREE YEARS - that's 36 MONTHS - we had a break up, marriage, another breakup, attempted rekindling with the old girlfriend...because he's facing being alone.

 

Pattern.

 

The OP feels she ended the love of her life. At 22, marriage and military is huge, and I think she was right to say no, I can't do this right now. He could have accepted that. For the OP, it HAD to be all or nothing because HE would not accept anything less...HE was all or nothing.

 

It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to fear and not know what to do with an infant. If she jumps into this relationship, it's instant motherhood. It's frightening, and we have no idea how this ex-couple will interact with co-parenting. We have no idea if this ex-wife will be a shrew or if he will be a deadbeat. The OP will have to raise this child, pick him up from daycare, drop him off, stay home with a barfing child, and hopefully Mom isn't a complete nightmare. During divorce and custody, things get ugly. It's not a good judge on how things will play out in the future, but it can be an indicator.

 

This guy shouldn't be "wh*ring it", and yes, this will come up in court when the ex learns he's dating. Unfair? Yes. Divorce can be an ugly beast. The guy has too much on his plate to consider developing a bond with a future wife. His focus should be his child and his income...end of story....NOT quickly replacing the wife/mother...which is his pattern.

 

And I agree with an earlier post that perhaps he's looking for that easy life, easy sex, no babies, no sleep deprivation, tired wife, diapers, feedings, wife feels ugly and is tired, possible postpartum, stinks like milk and can't walk in a room without the baby screaming for a boob...babies are tough on marriages too. He could very well be bailing because fatherhood and marriage aren't the rainbows and kittens he built up in his head...she could be doing the same.

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